Date: 30 Jul 93 16:42:12 PDT (Friday)
Subject: Life A.5
----------------------------------------------------
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--------------------------
From: s30831r@taltta.hut.fi (Jussi-Pekka Sairanen)
Two lords, brothers, live in a castle. One morning the butler,
James, comes to wake up the other lord. He draws off the curtains
and opens the window.
"Time to wake up you stupid old git. What the hell have you been
eating? Jesus, you smell like a junk yard. Here's your tea, and
this time, please, try not to spill it all over the sheets".
The lord takes the tea cup and drinks some. Then he says. "Thank
you James. Just a few things I'd like to say, if you don't mind.
First, I want to be woken up at seven, not six o'clock. Second, I
want honey in my tea, not sugar. And third, I'm not deaf, my
brother is.
--------------------------
From: hodgen@ozzy.uni-koblenz.de (Wayne Hodgen)
[Editor's Note: Pommy is Australian slang for Brits]
How do you know when a 747 full of Poms has just landed at Sydney
Airport?
The whineing doesn't stop when they turn off the engines!
--------------------------
From: APUCORLE@IDBSU.IDBSU.EDU
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water
in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is.
Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the swimming pool."
--------------------------
From: kissel@unix-ag.uni-kl.de (Rolf Kissel)
Actually there are a lot of Belgian jokes too...
Belgians are said to be quite hmm.. brainless... So, one day the
Belgian king wrote a letter to the Grand-Duke of Luxemburg,
complaining about the bad Belgian jokes in Luxemburg...
The Grand-Duke who cared a lot for the diplomatic entente between
Belgium and Luxemburg ordered to build a bridge, just without any
reason over dry landscape to give the Belgians something to laugh
about the Luxemburgers too to improve relationships.
The Belgians laughed and laughed about the stupidity of the
Luxemburgers. But after two years the Belgian king wrote to the
Grand-Duke that now they had laughed enough and the bridge could be
destroyed again.
The Grand-Duke replied that he couldn't do such a terrible thing
and remove the regular meeting place for the 20 Belgian fishers
that met daily on that bridge.
--------------------------
From: Marty [MEARLE@UGA.BITNET]
Arriving at the Philadelphia International Airport, I was greeted by a man
carrying a sign which read, "THE WAGES OF SIN ARE DEATH." (I guess that was
his way of welcoming me to town!) I walked up to him and said, "You know,
I suppose the wages of sin ARE death, but after they take out taxes, it's just
kind of a tired feeling, really."
(I heard a comedian use that years ago...)
--------------------------
From: "John M. Danskin" [jmd@CS.PRINCETON.EDU]
From: Connie_Kleinjans@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
carpe diem........sieze the day
carpe deum........God is a fish
carpe carpe.......sieze the fish
crape diem........bad day
carpe diem........complain daily
carpe per diem....sieze the check
carpe canem.......sieze the dog
carpe devo........sieze the record
carnivore carpe....RUN!!
carpe calypso.....sieze the DAY-O
or sieze the dance
or sieze the boat
carpe Teva........sieze the sandal
carpe noctum......sieze the night
carpe horribilis..sieze the ugly bear
--------------------------
"No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware
of what it's doing; but most of the time, we aren't either."
-Marvin Minsky
--------------------------
Cynthia Melcher [cmelcher@FSCVAX.FSC.MASS.EDU]
In the town I live in the kindergarten is housed in the high
school. A friend had arranged to have someone who participates in
Revolutionary War (American Revolution, that is. . . sorry)
reinactments come talk to his daughter's kindergarten class. The
principal of the high school asked the person to come talk to one
of the high school history teachers whose area of expertise
happened to be colonial America. So into this classroom unannouced
walks this man in full minuteman gear, holding a musket etc. and he
and the teacher have this little conversation that becomes quite a
heated debate over who fired the first shot at Concord, blah, blah
blah.
When the man left a student said, "How could you argue with him?"
and the teacher responded that it was an argument but a scholarly
exchange of opinions, blah, blah, blah and the student said, "But
he was *there*! Don't you think you should believe *him*?"
--------------------------
From: APUCORLE@IDBSU.IDBSU.EDU
From today's Calvin & Hobbes comic strip, by Bill Watterson:
Calvin: "I watched an old movie with mom last night.
It didn't have any violence, explosive action,
or swearing. There was nothing shocking about
it at all."
Hobbes: "Did you like it?"
Calvin: "It's hard to say. Not having my emotions
manipulated is such a weird experience."
--------------------------
From: Brad Pardee [bradp@UNLLIB.UNL.EDU]
If you go to the Amtrak station and you see a schedule for the Bubble Gum
Express, I think it's safe to say that it's probably a chew-chew train.
--------------------------
From: "Sammie L. Foss" [SLF@UGA.BITNET]
q: Do you know how to get a small business going in under the
Clinton Admin?
a: Start with a BIG one.
--------------------------
From: Les Pourciau at Memphis State [POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU]
Marcel Marceau was traveling through New Guinea when he was captured by a
group of cannibals. They immediately set about placing him in a large pot
filled with a mixture of herbs and water, and started a fire underneath.
As the water and herb mixture began to heat up, they took large leaves and
began to brush the liquid onto Marceau's upper torso. Just then, their
Chief, who had been away, came upon the scene, saw what they were doing
and shouted, "Take that man out of there. A mime is a terrible thing to
baste?"
--------------------------
What goes VAROOM - SCREECH, VAROOM - SCREECH, VAROOM - SCREECH?
A blonde trying to make it through a flashing red light.
--------------------------
From: DAN DEANGELIS [DDEANGEL@PSUHMC.BITNET]
Q: What do you call a Volkswagon full of blondes?
A: Farfromthinking.
--------------------------
From: Mike Novak [NOVAKMJ@SLUVCA.SLU.EDU]
During a story about US Air's losses this quarter:
"low ticket demand is blamed for the lack of business"
Hmmmm, who's the MBA that figured that one out?!?!?
--------------------------
From: APUCORLE@IDBSU.IDBSU.EDU
Michael Jordan, Chicago Bulls superstar, when asked why he
majored in geography at the University of North Carolina:
"I knew that I would be going places, and I just wanted to
know where I was when I got there."
--------------------------
From: Yeroon van den Berg [j.p.vandenberg@WB.UTWENTE.NL]
Billy is in the bar and he has had quite a few already. At two o'clock,
another round is offered, and although he knows he shouldn't, he takes another
beer, simply because they taste just too well.
Anyway, after the final beer, he gets up from his stool and immediately drops
on the floor. That was not what he had expected. He knew he had had some,
but this...
All right, he tries to get up but again he falls. After some more attempts,
he gives up and decides to crawl home. At the door of his house he assumes it
is better not the stand up, since he will almost certainly fall over again and
wake up his wife. So he crawls quietly to his bed and slips in without his wife
noticing it.
The next morning his wife speaks to him furiously.
"Have you been drunk again last night?"
Billy is surprised and asks her how she knew.
"Well", she says, "they just called from the bar that you
had forgotten your wheelchair!"
--------------------------
From: "Joel L. Seber ... CH210" [JLS2013@TNTECH.EDU]
Always remember,
He who goes forth with a fifth on the Fourth
may not come forth on the Fifth.
- unknown
--------------------------
From: Tommy Hughes [HUE@USCN.BITNET]
/Idioms and dead metaphors are among my favorite forms of
/humor. Do you have any favorites to contribute?
Mind your Ps & Qs
Uppercase and Lowercase letters
When mechanical printing was accomplished (90+ years ago), the printing
press master was created by arranging individual letters onto a plate
and locking them into place. You'd have all the As in one bin, all
the Bs in another bin, etc. so you had 26 bins + punctuation.
There were 2 cases of bins of letters, one case contained Capitals,
the other didn't. The capital letters were in the upper case, the others
were in the lower case (bin). Since the printing machines
forced the letters to be arranged upside down to the viewer, and
since the letters were in mirror writing, it was easy to confuse
an upside-down, backwards p with an upside-down, backwards q.
Source - Montgomery AL TV interviewed an elderly gentleman who
currently owns/runs a turn-of-the-century printing press.
--------------------------
From: Dan Brill [DBRILL@UGA.BITNET]
I had heard that p's and q's referred to pints and quarts.
As men were going out to the pubs in the olden days (or as they still do
if they are lucky enough to live in the UK), their wives would remind
them to watch their p's and q's -- i.e., not to drink and spend too
much.
--------------------------
From: Yves Delphin [YVES@JCSVAX1.BITNET]
A bumper sticker reads like this:
Jimmy Carter is no longer our worst President.
--------------------------
From: Grady Lacy [glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU]
Herb Rotfield's evaluation post reminds me of a comment a colleague in the
math department here at Valdosta State got on one of his evaluations a
good number of years ago. (He kept it on his office bulletin board until
he retired.)
"Dr. Xxxxxx in a fair teacher, but his testes are too hard."
--------------------------
From: Bill Edwards [BEDWARDS@UGA.BITNET]
The primary goal of political humor is to defuse uncomfortable
issues that will not respond to facts and figures. In 1980 and
through the early years of his Presidency, Reagan's people were
convinced that the biggest problem he had to overcome was the
perception that he was too old to be president. And so at every
opportunity, Ronald Reagan did age jokes.
Reagan quoted Thomas Jefferson's comment that a person's
chronological age should be no barrier to his service to his
country. Then he would pause and say, "And when Tom told me that
. . ."
Speaking to the Washington Press Club, Reagan mentioned its
founding in 1919 and added, "It seems like only yesterday."
"I share with you the honor of this special occasion, the 105th
annual meeting of the great American Bar Association. It isn't
true that I attended the first meeting."
Reagan said, "Well, Andrew Jackson left the White House at the
age of seventy-five and he was still quite vigorous. I know
because he told me."
Said Reagan to a group of doctors, "We've made so many advances
in my lifetime. For example, I have lived ten years longer than my
life expectancy when I was born--a source of annoyance to a great
many people.
"Mr. President," asked Henry Trewhitt, a veteran reporter, ". .
. you already are the oldest President in history, and some of your
staff say you were tired after your most recent encounter with Mr.
Mondale. I recall that President Kennedy had to go for days on end
with very little sleep during the Cuban missile crisis. Is there
any doubt in your mind that you would be able to function in such
circumstances?"
"I want you to know that I will not make age an issue in this
campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my
opponent's youth and inexperience." After that joke, age was never
a serious issue during Reagan's Presidency.
--------------------------
From: Nate Ravid [S29831%21518@UTRCGW.UTC.COM]
While watching Nightline last night, I was amazed to hear Ted Koppel come out
with this DOOZY!
He was talking about the floods along the Mississippi River and stated:
"When Bill Clinton visited the flood-ravaged state of Iowa, the people there
thought they had seen the worst that nature could throw at them."
Ted finally wings a winner!
--------------------------
From: "John R. Garrett" [0004716758@MCIMAIL.COM]
A friend swears that this happened in his freshman math principles class,
many years ago.
One of his fellow students got very frustrated with the highly abstract
discussion, and said to the teacher, "can't we please have some
examples with real numbers in them?"
The teacher frowned, furrowed his brow, and said "let alpha be one
real number, and let beta be another real number..."
--------------------------
From: Peter Greenberg [AISPG@CUVMC.BITNET]
A close friend had a dog named Tina and a parrot named Petey when he was
growing up. Tina the dog would bark wildly whenever someone rang the
doorbell and members of the household would scream for Tina to shut up.
Petey the parrot has now out-lived poor Tina by ten years, but to this
day when you ring my friends doorbell, Petey the Parrot shouts out,
"Shut up, Tina!"
--------------------------
From: "A.G. Peppelman" [A.G.Peppelman@STUD.FAR.RUU.NL]
Q How many superheroes does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A Three. One to change into a stairs, one to change the bulb and one to save
the universe at that time.
--------------------------
From: "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858" [KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU]
Q. Why did the turtle cross the road?
A. To get to the Shell station.
From: Tommy Hughes [HUE@USCN.BITNET]
"If there were four flies on the table and I killed one, how many would
be left?" asked the teacher.
"One." answered the student. "The dead one."
--------------------------
From: Sally & Jim Gates [GATES@USCN.BITNET]
As the Broadway showgirls were dressing for a performance, one of
them noticed her friend was no longer sporting a flashy engagement
ring. "What happened, Lily?" she asked, pointing to the bare finger.
"The wedding off?"
"Yeah," Lily admitted. "I saw him in a bathing suit last week and he
looked so different without his wallet."
--------------------------
From: John Bastian/Johnny [johnny@ITIBANG.ERNET.IN]
An Indian firm and a Japanese firm were in the business of
exporting live crabs to the west. The Japanese guys packed the
crabs in strong wooden crates sealed with metal straps, with
just a few, small holes for air. One day a guy from the Japanese
guy saw the Indians shipping the crabs in cheap, open baskets.
"How on earth do you mangage to do that, when we spend nearly
a fortune on packing technology !?" . To which the Indians
replied, "You see, yaar, these are Indian crabs. If one tries
to climb higher, the others will pull him(her) down!"
--------------------------
From: Evelyn Clement [ECLEMENT@ADMIN2.MEMST.EDU]
John Adams, in the play "1776", "I have come to the conclusion that one
useless man is called a disgrace, two are called a law firm, and three
or more become a Congress."
--------------------------
From: "William A. Reitwiesner" [wrei@SEQ1.LOC.GOV]
As you can imagine, the right wingers have been having a field day with the
Clintons. The following are some bumper stickers and t-shirts which are
being offered for sale:
If you voted for Clinton
YOU must have inhaled
If Clinton was the answer
It must have been a stupid question
America Held Hostage
1993-1997
Impeach Hillary
Don't blame me
I didn't vote for Hillary
Smoke dope, dodge the draft,
Cheat on your wife, become President,
It's the new American way
How long 'till '96?
Bill and Al's Big Adventure
Commander & Cheat
Hold the Liberals liable
Happiness is Clinton's face
on a milk carton
"Hope" ain't in Arkansas
It's in 1996
Reagan -- the great communicator
Clinton -- the great fabricator
Clinton-Gore
Gone in four
One Term
Or Less
"Contribution" -- Taxes
"Investment" -- Spending
"1996" -- Republican
If you voted for change
Better start counting it
The Lord giveth
and Clinton taketh away
A Democrat and your taxes
Are both soon wasted
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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