Date: 17 Aug 93 16:35:56 PDT (Tuesday)
Subject: Life A.B
----------------------------------------------------
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--------------------------
From: Arturo Efrain De Luna [txmaels@TXM.ERICSSON.SE]
************************************
** CAUTION!!!! **
** Make shure the brain **
** is connceted before **
** startting the tongue. **
************************************
--------------------------
From: Dani Mudge [DANI@USCN.BITNET]
From *Frank and Ernest*
People used to live lives of quiet desperation--now they go on
talk shows.
Midwest flood humor:
Missouri has a new state motto: Row-Me State
Des Moines, Iowa has a new zip code: 50H2O
The Department of Argiculture is now proposing that corn be sold
by the gallon.
--------------------------
From: "Sammie L. Foss" [SLF@UGA.BITNET]
CLINTON BASHING BUMPER STICKER
'JAN 1993....THE BEGINNING OF A NEW ERROR'
--------------------------
From: HOGNE SANDVIK [Hogne.Sandvik@ISF.UIB.NO]
The extremely beautiful girl walks up to the post counter:
Is there any mail for me?
The postmaster looks at her, with eyes as big as China-plates:
Sure, miss, You may have any male you want!
--------------------------
From: Phil Corless [APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET]
Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle
was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish.
They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines and reeled in their
catch.
A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked
the man in the middle if he knew the other two.
"Oh yes," he said. "They're my friends."
"In that case," warned the officer, "you'd better get them out
of here!"
"Yes, sir," the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.
--------------------------
From: Bernadette C Himaras [bch@SEMCOR.COM]
Subj: On a coffee mug
I'm 40
(too bad my hair couldn't be here to share this great day)
--------------------------
From: Les Pourciau at Memphis State [POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU]
Seen behind a secretary's desk:
Of course
I don't look
as busy as
the men....
I do it
right the
first time.
--------------------------
From: Patti Johnson [johnson@MICRONET.WCU.EDU]
Coffee mug: (a Larson creation)... 'angel' sitting on a cloud, complete
with halo & wings. The thought bubble reads: "I wish I'd
brought a magazine"
--------------------------
From: Sara Rummelhart [RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET]
If you could get some Jews to wander in the desert for forty years by
dropping dimes, what would it take to get twenty million Australians
to do the same?
A case of beer buried in the same desert.
---
The Australians have replaced "God Save the Queen" with a new national
anthem: It goes "A hundred bottles of beer on the wall, a hundred
bottles of beers ..."
---
What do you call an Australian with an IQ of twenty?
Tasmanian.
---
And with an IQ above one hundred?
An aborigine.
--------------------------
From: Marty Kuhrt [marty@SPISYS.TTISMS.COM]
Why do they call them shaggy dog stories? The explanation I heard stated
that that style of story (the long winded tale with the groaner ending)
originated with the following.
---
For context, this story dates from the depression era.
---
A hobo is walking from the soup kitchen to the railroad yards to catch a
freight out of town. Wedged in the floorboards of the boxcar he is riding
is a flyer for a lost dog. The flyer states that the prized family sheepdog
has gone missing, and there is a five hundred dollar reward offered for the
return of this dog. ($500 then would be about $10k now, roughly) The flyer
is about a month old and from a city over 600 miles down the line, so
he thinks nothing of it. Just then a sheepdog matching the description
wanders through the railyard just as the train the hobo is on starts to
leave. He jumps off the train, runs across the yard, narrowly misses getting
hit by another freight, dives on the dog, sprints back across the yard, and
barely catches the last box car on the train out. Days and weeks pass as the
hobo struggles across state after state, mile after mile of cross country
travelling with the sheepdog in tow. { at this point in the story, the person
telling the story adds volumes of detail about the various harrowing
experiences the hobo encounters on the way } Finally arriving in the
destination city the hobo locates the address mentioned on the flyer.
It's a huge mansion in the upscale side of town. The hobo walks to the front
door, and rings the bell. The butler opens the door, looks down at the dog
and says, "Heavens No! He wasn't _THAT_ shaggy." and slams the door.
--------------------------
From: Steve Davis [S77175DS@ETSUACAD.BITNET]
Not too long ago my brother and I were discussing our junior high-school
days. The topic of our conversation varied as we covered the likes and
dislikes about it. I love my brother and I'm not saying this to be
malicious towards him, but as far as kids go, he had to be one of the
most "physically challenged" person I knew, without actually being
handicapped! When the good lord passed out coordination my brother
must've stepped out for a drink or something. :-) My brother said that
without a doubt he disliked P.E. (Physical Education) classes the most.
I'm sure most of you are aware of how the coach/teacher "randomly"
selects team-captains who then get to take turns choosing their team-
mates from the remaining class members. Since he was rarely chosen to be
a team-captain and therefore one of the last to be chosen, this was one
of my brothers least favorite "pre-game" activities. He said it wasn't
so bad after the game actually started since then he could wander about
the field and do as he pleased. Since P.E. was a mandatory class and he
HAD to be there the other players would continue their game and just
avoid and overlook him like he was a moving telephone pole or something.
One day (after they had gone through the "player pick" ritual) they were
outside playing football and my brother proceeded to do his thing (which
was nothing). After a while my brother had gotten bored of just roaming
and decided to participate in the game. He walked over to and then stood
near the goal line and began waving his hands and shouting "I'm open I'm
open!" At first the quarterback ignored him and continued looking for
another open receiver, but everyone was being covered by opposing
players. The only person that WAS open (for obvious reasons) was my
brother who was still waving and shouting. Partly out of desperation and
the simple fact he had no alternative receivers, the quarterback threw
the ball. I guess he figured that either that my brother would drop the
ball and they'd only lose one play or catch it and they'd get a quick
touch-down. To the quarterback's delight my brother actually caught the
football, however, he was surprised to see that my brother started
running in his direction! The quarterback started shouting, "You're
running the wrong way! You're running the wrong way!" Nevertheless, my
brother disregarded these helpful words and continued running. Just as
he reached the quarterback who was still shouting "Your running the
wrong way!" my brother replied as he passed, "No I'm not. I'm on the
other team!"
--------------------------
From: Joe Mole [JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET]
One day Nasrudin was walking along a deserted road. Night was
falling as he spied a troop of horsemen coming toward him. His
imagination began to work, and he feared that they might rob him,
or impress him into the army. So strong did this fear become that
he leaped over a wall and found himself in a graveyard. The other
travelers, innocent of any such motive as had been assumed by
Nasrudin, became curious and pursued him.
When they came upon him lying motionaless, one said, "Can we help
you? And, why are you here in this position?"
Nasrudin, realizing his mistake said, "It is more complicated
than you assume. You see, I am here because of you; and you, you
are here because of me."
-----
EVEN THE INNOCENCE HAVE GUILT
One day he disagreed with the prior of a monastery at which he
was staying. Shortly afterward, a bag of rice was missing. The
prior ordered everyone to line up in the courtyard. Then he told
them that the man who had stolen the rice had some grains of it in
his beard.
"This is an old trick, to make the guilty party touch his beard
involuntarily," thought the real thief, and stood firm.
Nasrudin, on the other hand, thought, "The prior is out to
revenge himself upon me. He must have planted rice in my beard!"
He tried to brush it off as inconspicuously as he could.
As his fingers combed his beard, he realized that everyone was
looking at him.
"I knew, somehow, that he would trap me sooner or later," said
Nasrudin.
-----
The Mulla Nasrudin once walked in his garden with one of his
servants. The servant cried that he had just encountered Death,
who had threatened him. He begged his master to give him his
fastest horse so that he could make haste and flee to Teheran,
which he could reach that same evening. The Mulla consented and
the servant galloped off on the horse.
On returning to his house the Mulla himself met Death, and
questioned him, "Why did you terrify and threaten my servant?"
"I did not threaten him; I only showed surprised in still finding
him here when I planned to meet him tonight in Teheran."
-----
BORROWING MONEY
One day Nasrudin asked a wealthy man for some money.
"What do you want it for?"
"To buy an elephant."
"If you have no money you will not be able to maintain an
elephant."
"I asked for money, not advice!"
-----
ON THE ACT OF EATING AS COMMUNION WITH NATURE
One day Nasrudin saw a strange-looking building at whose door a
contemplative Yogi sat. The Mulla decided that he would learn
something from this impressive figure, and started a conversation
by asking him who and what he was.
"I am a Yogi," said the other, "and I spend my time in trying to
attain harmony with all living things."
"That is interesting," said Nasrudin, "because a fish once saved
my life."
The Yogi begged him to join him, saying that in a lifetime
devoted to trying to harmonize himself with the animal creation, he
had never been so close to such communion as the Mulla had been.
When they had been contemplating for some days, the Yogi begged
the Mulla to tell him more of his wonderful experience with the
fish, "now that we know one another better."
"Now that I know you better," said Nasrudin, "I doubt whether you
would profit by what I have to tell."
But the Yogi insisted. "Very well," said Nasrudin. "The fish
saved my life all right. I was starving at the time, and it
sufficed me for three days."
-----
EATING TOO MUCH SUGAR
When Nasrudin was a magistrate, a woman came to him with her son.
"This youth," she said, "eats too much sugar; I cannot afford to
keep him in it. Therefore I ask you formally to forbid him to eat
it, as he will not obey me."
Nasrudin told her to come back in seven days.
When she returned, he postponed his decision for yet another
week.
"Now," he said to the youth, "I forbid you eat more than such and
such a quantity of sugar every day."
The woman subsequently asked him why so time had been necesary
before a simple order could be given.
"Because, madam, I had to see whether I myself could cut down on
the use of sugar, before ordering anyone else to do it."
--------------------------
From: Alex Tsekhansky [TSEKHANSKY@SCSUD.CTSTATEU.EDU]
Hi, Folks!
This is the next one, -[ Product Announcement ]-
Do you REALLY think, it's about computer system?!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
World Wide Product Announcement
LAFAYETTE, IN -- November 9, 1991 -- After nine months of intense
development, Curry & Curry are proud to announce the newest model in their
product line, the Sean Mason.
FEATURES
The Sean Mason represents the current state of the art, including such
advanced features as a neural-network-based central processing unit (CPU),
short- and long-term on-line data storage (memory), and a self-learning,
self-teaching operating system with automatic heuristic development, error
detection, and error correction.
The Sean Mason also comes equipped with a variety of peripherals including
two five-digit manipulators which can also function as small arithmetic
processing units (APUs); an input port that will accept data in liquid
formats (solid formats are under development); two output ports for liquid
and solid data formats; one variable-volume, variable-pitch audio output
device; two audio input devices with 20-20,000 Hz frequency response; two
video input devices which may be used independently or combined for stereo
vision tasks; and self-propulsion.
The initial operating system shipped with the Sean Mason is primitive, and
will require a good deal of instruction from the end user. Fortunately,
most end users find this instruction process very self-rewarding. As the
neural network becomes more adept at simple tasks, the operating system
rapidly becomes capable of self-modification, resulting in a greatly
increased rate of development. During this time, the operating system will
devise and conduct numerous experiments, some of which may be hazardous or
otherwise undesirable. When the unit enters this mode, the TIMEOUT and SPANK
debuggers may prove useful for correcting the problem.
DIAGNOSTICS
CRY, an audible alarm indication, is triggered upon input queue underflow
or output queue overflow. As the operating system accumlates more data, it
eventually develops automatic input and output queue length regulation.
SMILE, a visible alarm indication, is triggered upon underflow or overflow
rectification, and also as a general sign of the unit's proper functioning.
BURP, another audible alarm, indicates successful processing of available
input.
OPERATIONAL NOTES
When the video input peripherals are covered, this indicates that the unit
is in its idle loop, used for automatic recharging. Initial recharging
periods are short and irregular, but gradually they become regular, lasting
for approximately 8 of every 24 hours. Termination of recharging mode may
raise the CRY alarm condition.
After inital unpacking, the unit will require input every two to three hours.
After input processing has been completed, one or both output devices may be
activated. Presence of output may be signalled by the CRY alarm condition.
CAUTION
The appearance of the unit, which reflects the current state of the art in
exterior packaging, may cause irrational behavior in adults. This behavior
is typified by "oohs", "aahs", and incomprehensible utterances commonly
referred to as "baby talk".
SPECIFICATIONS
Length: 19.5 inches
Weight: 8 lbs 1 oz
AVAILABILITY
The prototype Sean Mason unit began functioning at 1:22pm EST today.
STATUS
The production staff, although tired, are well and happy.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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