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Date: Tue, 10 May 1994 06:38:18 -0700
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199405101338.GAA17118@netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life A.G
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 25 Aug 93 11:14:06 PDT (Wednesday)
Subject: Life A.G
----------------------------------------------------
The following are from the humor list:
HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu (Or HUMOR@uga.bitnet)
To add yourself send to LISTSERV@UGA.bitnet the command
SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname, as the first line in the message
--------------------------
From: HOGNE SANDVIK [Hogne.Sandvik@ISF.UIB.NO]
The extremely beautiful girl walks up to the post counter:
Is there any mail for me?
The postmaster looks at her, with eyes as big as China-plates:
Sure, miss, You may have any male you want!
--------------------------
From: S Ramchandran [S.Ramchandran@REA2102.WINS.ICL.CO.UK]
Subj: bumpersticker
LETS NOT MEET BY ACCIDENT
--------------------------
From: "Michael S. Sekoni (X8593) PROFS (MSS)" [AC00MICH@UCSBVM.BITNET]
A guy from the middle east was visiting California
and he was driving up north on highway 101 and the
guy saw 101 sign on the freeway as he was driving.
He was driving at about 90 miles/hr and was stopped
by highway patrol for speeding. He said to the officer
you must be joking because i have not done anything
wrong, the sign says 101 and i am only making 90,
so what's the problem ?
--------------------------
From: Katie Buller [KTBULLER@MACC.WISC.EDU]
"Vandalized" road sign seen near Chicago:
Interstate 90
Northwestern 0
--------------------------
From: tfd@CUNYVMS1.GC.CUNY.EDU
Q) Who were the most embarassed people in the world in 1966?
A) Mick Jagger's parents
Q) Who are the most embarassed people in the world in 1993?
A) Mick Jagger's children.
--------------------------
From: Bhushan Lakhe [B.C.Lakhe@BRA0801.WINS.ICL.CO.UK]
1. In England & Wales it is still illegal if you are a male over 16, NOT to
practice archery on a Sunday.
2. Drivers of London Hansom Cabs (ie Black Cabs) are obliged to enquire whether
you are suffering from diphtheria, bubonic plague, the pox etc. They are
also required to carry straw for their horses (?).
--------------------------
From: KondrotasS [kondrotass@RFERL.ORG]
During the Soviet years in Lithuania, there was a guy Romas Kalanta who burned
himself to death in protest to the Communist regime. The official reaction at
that time was that the guy's insane. Now, with Communists gone, a special
commision was formed to prove that Kalanta (who has become a national hero) was
sane and all right. So the commision (made of psichiatric experts) unburried
the 10 years old remains, examined them, and presented a official report that
Kalanta was in his own mind when he passed away. No problem.
--------------------------
From: Sharon Rondeau [SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET]
Subj: Lines from Stand-up Comics
Rita Rudner: In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Jay Leno: In Connecticut, a prisoner on death row has gone on a hunger
strike...here's a problem that pretty much takes care of itself.
Richard Belzer: You know you're at a 90's party when someone says, "I heard
this great book."
--------------------------
From: David Gamble [dgamble@GWYNE.NLU.EDU]
This sign is posted at the check out stand of a convience store at my school.
"Need a penny, take a penny, need two pennies, get a job."
--------------------------
From: Ron Chibnik [chibnik@REACH.COM]
]From: ykk1@Ra.MsState.Edu (Yury K. Kryschenko)
Gorbachev came to one Siberian village. The only one he saw there was
old, very old man. He asked this old man, where all the people were.
Old man answered that all of them are it taiga. Gorbachev asked him
to call people back, because he wants to talk to common people.
Old man took his gun and fired into air. In a half of an hour
several men appeared and asked old man:"what's the matter, did
somebody brought vodka"-"No, Gorbachev came". All men , disappointed,
go back to taiga. But Gorby was not satisfied with this and asks
old man to fire again. He did it and again, in a half of an hour,
several man appeared
"What's happening, did somebody brought vodka?"
"no, Gorbachev came"
"Did you missed the first time?"
-----
Q: What would happen if communists conquered the Sahara?
A: Nothing for the first five years, and then they would run out of sand.
--------------------------
From: Ed Johnson [EJOHNSO3@UA1VM.BITNET]
Did you hear the President's speech last night where he was promoting his new
budget? Great stuff. He balances it by taxing us retroactively, and the tax
cuts don't come until 1997. (Didn't I see this done in Time Square with a pea
and three shells?) Hey, I like this Clinton stuff. Let's apply it to Congress
as well. My incumbent can count on my vote, as long as it's not counted before
the tax cuts take effect in 1997, otherwise he can take his retirement, retro-
actively.
--Ed Johnson
University of Alabama
--------------------------
From: "S., James" [JAMES@UCRAC1.UCR.EDU]
Monday morning God decided that the world had reached the point of no return.
So, he called Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates to the gates of
heaven. He informed them of his decision and told them to go back to their
people and prepare them for the end of the world on Thursday.
Boris Yeltsin gets on state television and tells his people that he has bad
news and worse news. After decades of telling the Soviet citizens that there
is no God, he now realizes that he was wrong. He has seen God with his own
eyes. Worse yet, God has decided to destroy the world and each person needs to
prepare for Thursday as each sees fit.
Bill Clinton calls a press conference and says that he has good news and bad
news. After centuries of telling the US citizens that there is a God, he has
proof that we've been right. He has seen God with his own eyes. But the bad
news is that God has decided to destroy the world and each person needs to
prepare for Thursday as each sees fit.
Bill Gates calls an all-hands meeting. He says that he has wonderful news and
even more wonderful news. God, by calling him to the gates of heaven with the
leaders of the two most powerful nations in the world, has just confirmed how
important Bill Gates really is. The even better news is that on Thursday, IBM
will stop shipping OS/2.
--------------------------
From: David Gamble [dgamble@GWYNE.NLU.EDU]
Subj: Bumpersticker
Saw this one on a car the other day.
"Defeat Hillary in '96"
--------------------------
From: Chester Hodges [CHESTER@OJC.COLORADO.EDU]
Garth Brooks and Billy Ray Cyrus are captured by terrorists.
They are brought up in front of a firing line. The head terrorist asks
Billy Ray Cyrus for any last requests. To which Billy replies "Well, I sure
would like to sing _Achy Breaky Heart_ jus' one more time!" The head terrorist
says "fair enough".
The head terrorist then asks Garth Brooks the same question. And Garth answers
"shot me first!"
--------------------------
From: "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858" [KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU]
"Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your
temper or your self-confidence."
Robert Frost
--------------------------
From: "Jim Mica (Jimbo)" [JMICA@ITHACAOA.BITNET]
I have always loved truth so passionately that I have often
resorted to lying as a way of introducing it into the minds
which are ignorant of its charms. ---Casanova
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely
obnoxious."
--William Feather
--------------------------
From: Michael Ligas [ligas@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA]
* A hypocrite in someone who complains *
* about the sex and violence on their VCR. *
--------------------------
From: THE UNICORN [S_YECK@TWU.BITNET]
Here are a couple of jokes that my sister told me a long time ago:
Did you hear the joke about the bed?
--it hasn't been made up yet!
Did you hear the joke about the airplane?
--it's over your head!
--------------------------
From: KondrotasS [kondrotass@RFERL.ORG]
While browsing older archives, I found a Beth Woodel's message with the
following line:
Founder and charter member, Maryland Grammar Police (our slogan: "Misplace that
comma and you're booked.")
You may not know, however, that in Lithuania they indeed have Language Police.
That's a fact, not a joke. Language cops can fine a business' owner (or even
give him/her a small jail-time) for putting out signs and adds that contain
grammatically incorect sentences or foreign words. The range of potential
offences is quite wide. And they even can close businesses if they persist
braking language laws. A most recent example: a businessman was charged for
naming his product "ravioli" when there is an original word for Lithuanian
dumplings - "koldunai".
--------------------------
From: Tommy Hughes [HUE@USCN.BITNET]
Subj: Idioms [mildly amusing]
*Egg on*
To egg someone on is to encourage a person to keep doing something,
usually something not quite nice. It has nothing to do with eggs, but
is a corruption of the word "edge."
*Flash in the pan*
This is a classic dead metaphor. It means a spectacular beginning
that is quickly followed by failure. The allusion is to the action of
the old flint-lock rifles. Occasionally after being all primed (loaded)
to fire, the gun would misfire--there would be a big flash of the gun-
powder going off in the lock-pan, but the projectile would not be shot.
*Ax to grind*
A person who has a selfish reason for wanting something to be done
in a certain way or to a certain person is said to have an ax to grind.
Benjamin Franklin once told a story about how a man came to him asking
Ben to show him how the grindstone worked. He handed Ben an ax he had
brought with him, and then pretended not to understand exactly how it
worked until Ben had illustrated so often, the man's ax was thoroguhly
sharpened!
*Dyed-in-the-wool*
This phrase has come to mean genuine, true friend, one who sticks
with you in good or bad times. If wool yarn is dyed before it is woven
into cloth, the dye will penetrate completely, and the color will
last, whereas if the cloth is woven before it is dyed, it will only
color the surface and, as the cloth becomes worn, the color will
disappear.
*Fish or cut bait*
There is no place for an idle person on fishing boat, so if you
don't have something more useful to do even a child can cut bait for
the others. It's easy to see how this applies in other situations.
*Mealy-mouth*
This is derivation from a Greek expression meaning "honey-mouth."
It is used to describe a person who uses sweet, honeyed words
hypocritically in order to curry favor with those more popular or
more powerful.
--------------------------
From: Les Pourciau at Memphis State [POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMST.EDU]
... heard this on NPR on the way home from work:
Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton watch?
It's $14.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, ...
--------------------------
From: Ed [EJOHNSO3@UA1VM.BITNET]
ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.
ACADEMY, n. (from academe). A modern school where football is taught.
--Ambrose Bierce
--------------------------
From: Ed [EJOHNSO3@UA1VM.BITNET]
Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their
food, and tyrannize their theachers. --Socrates
--------------------------
From: Lee Bradley [lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU]
All these postings about fascinating town names remind me of this old
joke.
Two new assistant professors in linguistics at Auburn University were
traveling across the state to a meeting. As they passed a road sign, the
passenger read out the sign: Arab - 25 miles. [He pronounced it AY-rab.]
The driver corrected him: "No, not even in Alabama. It's got to be
pronounced AIR-ab." "No," repeated the passenger, "I'm sure it's AY-rab!"
"AIR-ab!"
"AY-rab!"
"AIR-ab!"
"AY-rab!"
And so the argument continued. They bet $10 and agreed to stop and ask.
When they got to Arab, they pulled into the first hamburger joint, and the
driver went up to the window.
The lady slid up the glass and in her flat local accent asked, "Kin I he'p
yew?"
"Yes," answered the professor. "My friend and I have a bet about the
correct way to pronounce the name of this place. Would you, very slowly
and very clearly, pronounce it for me?"
"Well, aw-right. It's day.......ree......... QUEEN!"
--------------------------
From: LRICHARDS@EWU.EDU
In northern Idaho there is a small town called Hope. As you drive down the
road you come to an even smaller town. Its name is Beyond Hope (really!!).
--------------------------
From: Allyn Lord [ALORD@SATURN.UARK.EDU]
Arkansas has some classic place names. A few of my favorites....
Numbers: Fifty-six, Figure Five, Number Nine
Descriptions: Best, Coy, Delight, Dowdy, Flippin, Hasty, Okay, Prim,
and the ever-favorite Republican
Towns: Beverage Town, Bragg City, Dogpatch (yes, a real Arkansas
town), Gin City, Greasy Corner, Gum Springs, Hicks Station
And some others: Back Gate, Blue Ball, Blue Eye, Eros, Grubbs,
Hogeye, Lake Dick, Needmore, Oil Trough, Overcup, Smackover,
Tomato, Twist, and Weiner
Also note that Evening Shade REALLY IS an Arkansas town. Actually
there are 2 Evening Shades, 2 Evening Stars, and 2 Morning Stars.
--------------------------
From: David Hinz [hinz@MEMPHIS.MED.GE.COM]
The notes about strange city names reminds me of a story my uncle tells.
He was travelling on business, in New Mexico. He needed to cash a check,
and went to the bank (strangely enough). He gave his check to the bank
teller, and she looked at it and said "O-co-no-co-mo-co-woc" (actually
'Oconomowoc') "Gee, that's a funny name for a city!"
My uncle's response was "And Albuquerque isn't?"
--------------------------
From: Julia Stevens [JULIA@GLOOM.LIB.PDX.EDU]
Mitch decided to go fishing, and set off walking along the bank of
a wild scenic river. He'd walked for a couple miles and hadn't seen
even the hint of another human being. Shortly, he came across a sign
that said "NO POACHING" and warned that violators would be fined $500.
Mitch looked at the sign, shrugged and walked on.
About midday, he found the perfect fishing hole. He put down his
pack, took up his fishing pole and cast the line. In no time at all
he was hauling in these huge trout.
Not wanting to be greedy, Mitch decided to stop at 5 fish. He
cleaned 2 of them, built a fire, got a frying pan out of his pack and
went about cooking a meal.
As the fish were frying, a Game Warden approached.
"Howdy," said Mitch.
"Been fishin', I see.." said the Warden.
"Yep. Caught some real beauts," Mitch agreed.
"Uh huh. Tell me, did you happen to see a 'no poaching' sign
down stream a ways?"
"Sure did. Big sign. Couldn't miss it."
"Well, looks like you're gonna have to pay a $500 fine."
"What for?" Mitch asked, puzzled.
The Game Warden nodded toward the frying pan full of fish "For
poaching, of course!"
"Poaching?" said Mitch glancing first at the fish and
then at the man " Officer, you don't know a lot about cooking, do
you!"
--------------------------
From: Amy Ward [cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU]
Subj: Heaven's UNIX directory (prob only funny to the truly nerdly)
Heaven login: root
Password: ********
[...]
OmniShell$ ls -l
total 13
drwx------ 19 root 512 Aug 5 10:52 Mail/
drwx------ 8 root 1024 Aug 3 17:14 News/
drwxr----- 2 root 512 Jul 22 15:11 appointments/
drwxr----- 2 root 512 Jun 15 15:04 calculations/
drwx------ 3 root 1024 Jun 24 16:01 creation/
drwxr-x--- 3 root 512 Jun 15 15:08 eternity/
-rw-r----- 1 root 5810 Jul 22 15:39 faq-How_to_be_a_God
drwx------ 3 root 512 Jul 7 22:54 listings-of-Bad-People/
drwx------ 4 root 1024 Jul 14 21:52 listings-of-Good-People/
-rwxr-x--- 1 root 3532 Jun 28 14:31 readme
drwx------ 7 root 512 Jun 15 15:21 z-modem/
OmniShell$ cd creation
OmniShell$ make
You must select one of these options:
make universe (warning, it really takes time)
make galaxy
make star (you need lots of He & H)
make planet
make asteroid
OmniShell$ make star
make: changing directory
make: collecting He & H
make: compiling
make: linking
Segmentation Fault
Black Hole dumped
OmniShell$ rm Black Hole
rm: Black: No such file or directory
rm: Hole: No such file or directory
OmniShell$ logout
Heaven login:
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