Return-Path: [cate3@netcom.com] Received: from netcom.com by piccolo.cco.caltech.edu with ESMTP (8.6.7/DEI:4.41) id HAA11347; Thu, 12 May 1994 07:24:45 -0700 Received: by netcom.com (8.6.8.1/SMI-4.1/Netcom) id GAA11888; Thu, 12 May 1994 06:39:33 -0700 Date: Thu, 12 May 1994 06:39:33 -0700 From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate) Message-Id: [199405121339.GAA11888@netcom.com] To: JWry.dl@netcom.com Subject: Life A.H Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com Status: R --------------- Date: 26 Aug 93 15:59:32 PDT (Thursday) Subject: Life A.H The following are from rec.humor: ---------------------------------------------------- The following were sifted out of rec.humor by: Bill Nickless [nickless@mcs.anl.gov] -------------------------- From: ajmiller@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Arkayn) "To speak, or not to speak, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to leave a message after the beep, or to take arms against a sea of answering machines, and by opposing, end them. To dial, to speak, no more. Thus answering machines do make cowards of us all." A little long, but I have less dial tones. -------------------------- From: (lien@bucknell.edu (David Lien)) When I was at Michigan State University, I remember seeing an ad for a position at Beirut University that said something to the effect of .. we expect there to be a vacancy in the next few months for the position of Dean of ... At least they were thinking ahead! From: gspncm@ritvax.isc.rit.edu (Minister of Misinformation) As the plane was landing, the stewardess on the intercom actually said: "Ladies and gentlemen, we are approaching the arrival gate. Please note that federal regulations require that you remain seated until the plane has come to a complete stop and the captain has turned off the Seatbelt sign. However, for those of you who choose to disobey, I would like to inform you the flight attendants are equipped with water pistols and will squirt the first one up right between the eyes. You will also have to stay and clean out the toilets, which today are no prize." -------------------------- From: kunnath@leland.stanford.edu (Ajay Kunnath) A friend of mine used to like to harass interviewers who were very boring, especially if he was not interested in the job. When the interviewer got around to the inevitable, "can I answer any of your questions", my friend would proceed to ask some really difficult ethical questions, of the If-you-found-a-hundred-dollar-bill-in-the-road-would-you - -keep-it kind. You can imagine the surprised interviewer who must answer whether or not he would knock on doors to try and find the owner of the cat he had just run over, and so on. -------------------------- This isn't all that funny, but a friend of mine told me she was interviewing and when asked where she saw herself in three years, she panicked and blurted, "I want to work in a great big office building!" -------------------------- I was being interviewed by a large electronics company. Well, the interview went on longer than we expected, so we had to continue it over lunch in the works canteen. Trying to be interesting, open and demonstrative, I'm afraid I made too much use of hand and arm movements. I hadn't noticed that my knife had slipped under my fried egg - when I brought my arm down, it caught the knife and hurled the egg (sunny side up) onto my chest. It stayed there for a moment before slipping down into my lap. The interviewers looked at me in silence for a few awful seconds, and then both burst into hysterical laughter. (Despite the embarrassment, I think this incident actually broke the ice and helped me get the job). A few years later, working for a software house, I was in a position to interview someone else. At a pause in the discussions, the interviewee looked around the room. "You know?" he said, "it must be great being a cleaner in a place like this." "Why's that?" I asked. "Well, just think of all the software you could steal when the office is empty!". "NEXT!" -------------------------- I work as a recruiter (headhunter). One time I sent a candidate in for a position as a software engineer. I called up the manager the next day to ask him what he thought of the candidate. I was stunned to hear that the guy had brought his mother to the interview, and left her in he waiting area while he had his interview. He didn't get the job. -------------------------- A man went for an interview with a large corporation. When he went in he was asked to take a seat. He was standing in front of the chairs and he very confidently placed his hands on the arms of two separate chairs and without looking behind him sat on the floor between them. -------------------------- I once went on a job interview, and anxious to make a good impression, I sat in the waiting room for about 15 min. reviewing my personal data, experience, education, etc. so that I could call up instant answers to any question I was asked. Eventually, I was called into the office. The interviewer glanced at my resume, and asked me, "What is your name?" I wasn't expecting that question. Reams of personal and professional data streamed through my mind, blocking my long-term memory, as I stuttered, "Uh...Uh..." The panic did nothing to alleviate the situation. Eventually, he looked back at my resume, and read "Mark?" That triggered me, and I responded excitedly "Mark Johnson! That's it!" No, I didn't get the job. -------------------------- When interviewing for med schools, the candidate was asked where he saw himself 15 years from that day. The candidate looked at his watch and said "well, today is Wednesday, so I'll be out on the golf course." He didn't get in. ---------------------------------------------------- The following were sifted out of rec.humor by: Christian.Peter@uluru.aus.sun.com (Christian Peter - SUN Sydney) -------------------------- Q: What team is Bill Clinton rooting for in the World Series? A: The Blue-Jays...He's trying to keep the Toronto votes for the election. -------------------------- From: kpm@hpuerca.atl.hp.com (Kaushik Mehta) Heard this on local radio station (day after the last debate). Perot: Let's fix the old car Bush: There is nothing wrong with the old car Clinton: Let's fix the back seat of the old car -------------------------- From: smith@ctron.com (Larry Smith) How many Norwegians does is take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to tell a _long_ story about it... ---------------------------------------------------- The following were sifted out of rec.humor by: James R Davidson:Wbst128 -------------------------- From: [C7wDr8.591@ecf.toronto.edu] A friend of mine went to the States on holiday. He went to the post office to mail some postcards back home to Canada. When he asked the clerk how much it would cost for the postage, he said, "The same for any other state!" -------------------------- From: stevec@unssun.scs.unr.edu (Stephen A. Cloutier) A few years ago I hit on an idea that has given me and a few other people a laugh on several occasions. I was reminded of this while reading some of the articles posted about users and the problems they have/cause when trying to use floppy disks: Write a note on a small (say 3x5) piece of paper with red marker in large enough letters to be noticed easily and ending with two or three exclamation points. Something like: SYSTEM DISK - DO NOT LOOSE OR ERASE !!! IMPORTANT DATA !!! . Then staple the note to the disk (through the media) and leave it somewhere in a lab or office and watch people. Just be sure to stop anyone who tries to insert the disk into a drive and read it, which in some environments is a distinct possibility. -------------------------- The following newspaper headdlines and quotes were collected by Rick Anderson and printed in the Seattle Times: Editor's death recalls fond memories -Seattle Post-Intelligencer First black mayor, 5 races still undecided -The Seattle Times "An item in Thursday's Nation Digest about the Massachussetts budget crisis made reference to new taxes that will help put Massachussetts 'back in the African-American.' The item should have read 'back in the black.'" -The Fresno Bee Ralph Steiner Dead; A Still Photographer -The New York Times "Hafen is an enthusiastic reader and clains 'Lame is Rob' by Victor Hugo as her favorite book." -The Scroll, Rexburg, Idaho Death of Bette Davis Brings Flood of Praise -Gainesville, Fla., Sun "This is the third marriage for the groom. He has also been through Word War II." -Norman County, Minn., Index "His parents became suspicious when his dog returned home alone and reported him missing." -Chicago Tribune "Weather: Cloudy with a chance of this morning." -Pasadena Star-News ---------------------------------------------------- The following were sifted out of rec.humor by: Nancy L. Crawford:wbst129 -------------------------- From: [giese.739809007@k9.dev.cdx.mot.com] (Bruce Giese) Subj: Some spinoffs and sequels to Jurassic Park Rumor has it, Hollywood is considering some of these movies... Jurassic Bork He's back in the Senate to get revenge for the confirmation hearings. Geriatric Park Old people escape from a nursing home and terrorize the suburbs of Miami. Jurassic Punk Dinosaurs with attitudes and their story. in addition to Gymnastic Park, Juristic Park, and Germanic Park -------------------------- From: mmccall@emory.edu (Malinda McCall) Subj: Re: Some spinoffs and sequels to Jurassic Park Jurassic Borg Barney is kidnapped by the Borg and assimilated. He stops singing his sweet little songs but begins to assist the Borg in their plan to destroy the Federation. -------------------------- From: al@escom.com (Al Donaldson) "Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was the suspect." -Steven Wright From: tom@tatertot.com (Tom Lemos) "Before I came here I was confused about this subject. Having listened to your lecture I am still confused, but on a higher level." --Enrico Fermi -------------------------- From: chatham@utkvx.utk.edu (Doug Chatham) A computer programmer was asked by her boss to teach the boss how to use a popular business program. The programmer took one look at the boss' screen and said "I don't do Windows!" ---------------------------------------------------- The following were sifted out of rec.humor by: danieln@sybase.com (Daniel Nitschke) -------------------------- From: sbeattie@pro-babbage.cts.com (Shawn Beattie) My sister is a doctor and married and got the name Love. So her name is Dr. Love. (Her husband is a doctor also). But, she is in practice with another doctor named Dr. Struck. For a while they considered using the name Love-Struck for their practice. :) -------------------------- From: avrom@Csli.Stanford.EDU (Avrom Faderman) A philosopher was walking across campus one day when he bumps in to a physicist friend of his. "You HAVE to come to my lab," says the physicist. "I have finally managed to construct a PERPETUAL MOTION MACHINE!" The philosopher is a bit dubious. He vaguely remembers having heard somewhere that perpetual motion machines are supposed to be impossible...something about the Law of Conservation and friction, but he figures that, after all, the physicist is an expert in his field, and besides, he might as well humor his (sometimes eccentric) old friend, so he comes along to the physicist's lab. He is certainly impressed by what he sees there. Gleaming silver pipes and huge gears, pulleys, and undescribable widgets line every wall and spill into a gigantic mass in the middle of the room. However, he's also a bit bewildered, as nothing seems to be moving. "What do you mean, a perpertual motion machine?" he asks the physicist. "I don't see anything moving." "Well," admits the physicist, "when I said I had already constructed the machine, I spoke a bit hastily. It's _almost_ finished. All I have to do is find an attachment that wiggles back and forth for ever, and I'll be done!" -------------------------- From: mehta@sis.bms.com (Prej Mehta) The Irish declare war on the Russians one day. The Russians thought that it would be a good idea to have a conference before war breaks out. At the conference the Russians start to explain why the Irish should not go to war with the Russians. A Russian general points out: RG: We have 1 million men in our army. RG: We have 500 nuclear subs. That could blow up any of part of Ireland in an instant. RG: We have 500 warships that could bomb the hell out of Ireland from a safe distance. RG: We have 5000 fighter jets that could bomb any part of Ireland. This Russian general continues to point out all the reasons why the Irish should not declare war on Russia. In wrapping up the Russian general informs the Irish that: RG: Do you know that we have 10 million reserves in our Army that we could call upon at any time? No sooner had he finished his sentence an Irish general jumps in and says: IG: The war is called off! The Russian general is rather please with himself thinking that he prevented the war. RG: Why have you called off the war? IG: We don't have room for all the prisoners we will take. ---------------------------------------------------- The following were sifted out of rec.humor by: Thompson Sara L. R.:Wbst205ul -------------------------- jparker@mail.boi.hp.com (Contract Richard H.) How do you catch an elephant? 1 milkbottle 1 pair of binoculars 1 pair tweezers Go out and find an elephant. Lookat at him through the wrong side of the binoculars. pick him/her up with the tweezers and pop him in the milk bottle. ----- How do you find an elephant? How do you lose one in the first place? -------------------------- From: webdw@cbnews.cb.att.com (bruce.d.woods) Did you hear about the Minnesota blonde who got a pair of water skis for her birthday and looked over all 10,000 lakes for one with a slope on it? How about the blonde who built a crate fifty feet long to ship a garden hose. A blonde was asked why she was pulling a chain down the street and she answered, "Did you ever try pushing one?" -------------------------- From: ford@decatl.alf.dec.com (Jeff Ford) ] "I've got an honor student at XXXXX High School" where XXXXX is any school ] around I just saw the following: ] "My kid just beat up ] your honor student!" I saw one the other day: "My kid is on academic probation at [xxxxx] university." -------------------------- From: alrobins@vela.acs.oakland.edu (Amanda Robinson) Meteorologists have finally figured out why Buffalo, NY is so hard hit during the winter. It's because the city is at the precise point where all the cold air from Canada meets all the hot air coming up from Washington. -------------------------- From: tom@inferno.UUCP (Tom Sherwin) [Your favorite ethnic] goes to doctor complaining that he hurts everywhere... Guy: Doctor I hurt everywhere. No matter where I touch, I'm in pain. Doc: Oh, really. Guy: (touches chest) I hurt here. (touches arm) I hurt here. (touches leg) I hurt here. What can I do? Doc: By any chance, are you [Your favorite ethnic]? Guy: Yes, but what does that have to do with it? Doc: Because your finger is broken... -------------------------- From: bonsai@netcom.com (Mark LaPolla) "This world is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel." - Horace Walpole -------------------------- From: kurka@bmcw.com Recently, a company was doing marketing tests on a new toilet seat design. The concept was that everytime someone would sit on the seat, it would determine the person's nationality and start playing that person's National anthem. The first person to test the seat was a frenchman. After he finished, the marketing person asked 'Sir, how did you like the new toilet seat?' to which the frenchman replied 'It is the greatest thing invented since TP, Viva la France!'. The next person to test it was an englishman. After finishing, the marketing person asked him, 'Sir, how did you like the new toilet seat?' to which the englishman emotionally replied 'It is the best thing invented since indoor plumbing! God save the Queen!'. The next person to test the seat was and american. After about ten minutes, the american emergered very red in the face and very flustered. The marketing person asked him, 'Sir, how did you like the new toilet seat?' to which the american said 'I hated it! Every time I sat down, the national anthem started to play, and I had to stand back up!'
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