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From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199405191333.GAA16340@netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life A.J
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 31 Aug 93 17:24:26 PDT (Tuesday)
Subject: Life A.J
The following are from
Miles O'Neal [meo@pencom.com]
----------------------------------------------------
From: Clinton tee shirt slogan
If Hillary
can't trust him,
how can we?
--------------------------
From: karn@qualcomm.com (Phil Karn)
Here's one I saw recently:
"Don't steal. The government hates the competition."
--------------------------
At the annual Computer Trivia show (a fundraiser in San Jose which gets
a lot of industry bigwigs together to compete on obscure computer questions
with a lot of money being raised for charity), Jean Louis-Gassee, formerly
of Apple, got Bill Gates big-time. Gates acted as moderator for the event
which was done in Hollywood Squares-style, and he asked the question "There
is a long-running contest on the Usenet to write the most confusing or
bizarre but working C program. Name this contest." Gassee, without a
hesitation, responded "Microsoft Windows". He got a big laugh out of
that one :-)
--------------------------
|From: ibmpa!etnsed.COM!hohle@ibminet.awdpa.ibm.com (Paul Hohle )
| FATHER
|
|Father, don't I have to work?
|No, my lucky son.
|We're living now on Easy Street,
|on dough from Washington.
|
|We've left things up to Uncle Sam,
|so don't get exercised.
|No-one has to give a damn.
|We've all been subsidized!
|
|But if Sam treats us all so well,
|and feeds us milk and honey,
|please, Daddy, tell me what the hell
|He's going to do for money?
|
|Don't worry, Bub, there's not a hitch
|in this-here noble plan.
|We merely soak the Filthy Rich
|and feed the Common Man.
|
|But, Daddy, won't there come a time
|when they'll run out of cash?
|And we'll have left, then, not a dime
|and things will go to smash?!
|
|My faith in you is shrinking, son,
|you nosey little brat!
|You do too damned much thinking, son,
|to be a Democrat!
--------------------------
While Miles was on vacation:
I am investigating prehistoric swimming pools in hitherto
unexplored parts of the Country Of Texas until Monday,
August 1, 1993.
In an emergency, you may leave a message for me at Pencom
in Austin at 1-512-343-6666.
-Miles (if Texas secedes, I'll make the celebration!)
What constitutes an emergency? Dave Barry's defection to
El Salvador. Plagues of lawyers. Friends being eaten by
space aliens. My CDs being infested with a Barry Manilow
virus. Thawing of the entire Roadkills-R-Us frozen foods
warehouse. That's about it. Enjoy the X concert for me.
--------------------------
Jan Falcona said...
|
|Q: what is the difference between Jurassic Park and Microsoft
|Computer company?
|
|A: one is a high-tech theme park filled with dinosaurs, and the
|other is a steven spielberg movie.
--------------------------
Kristina D. Kachulis said...
| IMPORTANT INFORMATION!!!
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|
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--------------------------
This needs to be anonymous, thank you very much...
A customer asked:
]we plan to install your [X product] software at our computer pool.
]We have 10 NeXTstations turbo.
]How much does a license for our computer pool cost?
Base Package: $1500
Gunnite Option: $1200
Diving Board: $300
Xfish: $450
Diving Bitmask: $200
Underwater Windows: $1000
Waterproof Mouse: $250 ea.
Heavy Duty Resource
Converters & Filters: $1000 [recommended with turbo-powered boats]
Order before 4/1 and we'll throw in a free copy of xgas with 200 MB
of chlorine.
--------------------------
Steve Sanford, Jr. said...
Here's a list of bumper-sticker sayings that was printed in
the Denver Post today (the paper had previously requested that readers call
in with their favorites). They're of varying degrees of humor, and I admit
to censoring out some that were just plain distasteful (like "Nuke Gay
Whales for Jesus").
Some are pretty funny, though.
-----
Making fun of New Age:
"Visualize Whirled Peas"
"Visualize ... Using Your Turn Signal"
Politics/ other-party-bashing:
"Impeach the Clintons"
"Friends Don't Let Friends Vote Republican"
"Vote Republican -- It's Easier Than Thinking"
Miscellaneous:
"Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway"
"Husbands Are Proof That Women Have a Sense of Humor"
"Forget the Whales. Save the Cowboy"
"I'm From the Government. I'm Here to Help You."
"Old Skiers Never Die. They Just Go Downhill.
"Money Isn't Everything, but It Sure Keeps the Kids in Touch"
"My Mother Was a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips"
"If You Love Jesus Tithe -- Any Fool Can Honk"
"Black Holes Suck"
"This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random"
--------------------------
From: dhouse@itsmail1.hamilton.edu (Denes House)
More from the mad maven of mayhem, Mary House, my sister:
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more
laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can fin in the
comics strips (and editorials).
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair,
rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8, and fur collar.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take
home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it
equally repellant.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale - eight puppies from a German Shepard and an Alaskan Hussy.
Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh
vegetables, salads, quiche.
7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered
with golden fried onion rings.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
Cemetary. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and
Chopin.
Mt. Kilamanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in
the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other
athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically
burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots
of women wear nothing else.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and
Gardens.
For Sale - Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.
See ladies blouses. 50% off!
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and
be willing to get hands dirty.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross
and salary.
Wanted: Widow with school-age children requires person to assume general
housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please cook with round bottom for efficient
beating.
Semi-annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
--------------------------
The Politically Correct Vacation
by
Sweetness and Light Ecovangelical Industries
Have YOU been feeling guilty because your vacation might
consume precious fossil fuels (remember - a dinosaur died
for your transportational sins)?
Worried about what the Encino Eco Terrorist Cell will say
when they find out you paid hard-earned proletariat dol-
lars to a tax- avoiding pox on society like Michael Eiss-
ner?
Hoping to teach your kids your values (not that you would
want to stifle them and keep them from experimenting and
creating their own, unless, Sun Ra forbid, they become
republicans), yet provide an exciting, relaxing, memorable
vacation?
Take a Politically Correct Eco Tour! Or better yet, DON'T
take one! Camp out right in your own living room, fast
the whole week in honor of the dying ferns in a rain
forest, and give the dinosaurs a break!
(We recommend leaving your doors and windows open so that
our lesser fellow beings, such as flies, mosquitos, and
wasps, aren't deprived of the nutrition they gain from
your usual vacation.)
We have already taken your vacation for you! Our
ecologically-minded crews, made up of one of every minori-
ty known to personkind, has been to all the scenic global
hot spots, as well as the most endangered ones. Wearing
environmentally sealed suits to keep from upsetting the
delicate bacteriological balance of nature with perspira-
tion or poisonous carbon dioxide, we used special- pur-
pose, all-natural video cameras, movie cameras, and still
cameras to take videos, movies, and slides. Only the
finest quality all-vegetable film was used. You tell us
the location - we send you the pictures on the media of
your choice! (Some watering and fertilizing is required
for best results.)
All posters, tee shirts, etc, tell the world that YOU care
about the ecology with a slogan such as "I vacationed at
home, and 3,000 ants survived!"
We have plans to fit every budget:
$20 : 10 photos and a poster
$50 : 20 photos, poster, tee shirt
$100 : 30 minute movie, tee shirt, poster
$500 : 1 hour video, 2 tee shirts, 2 posters
$1000 : 3 hour video, 50 slides, 5 tee
shirts, 5 posters, set of coasters
$5000 : all of the above + a real native
American dances on your lawn for
1 hour, and we carve your name in
a California Redwood
$9999+ : all of the above + we start a strip
mine shaped like your name so that
ecologically minded astronauts and
extraterrestrials know who you are!
We promise, this is one vacation you WON'T forget! Be the
envy of the neighborhood! Start a trend today! Save our
planet!
All money beyond that to cover expenses goes to help
preserve *our* environment! To improve it, even! We
promise! Trust us!
S&LEI is an independent operating unit of Roadkills-R-Us,
a company dedicated to recycling as high up the food chain
as possible. Look for RRU products in a frozen foods sec-
tion at a store near you today.
--------------------------
From: ganz@maspar.com (Jonathan E. Ganz)
Three kids are fishing at the edge of a lake. In the middle of the
lake is a boat with a guy fishing as well.
All of a sudden, the kids notice the man stand up, fall overboard,
and start flailing around...obviously unable to swim.
The three kids plunge into the water and save the man, dragging him
to shore.
Amazingly, it turns out to be Bill Clinton, the President. (He's
from Arkansas and, naturally, can't swim.) Needless to say, he's
extremely grateful.
He says to the oldest boy, "If there's anything you want, tell me
and it's yours." And, the boy replies that he always wanted a red
Mustang convertable. "Done," Clinton replies. "It's be in your
driveway in the morning."
He turns to the second oldest boy and asks the same thing. The boy
says, "I've always wanted a golden retriever," to which Clinton
replies, "It'll be on your doorstep tomorrow."
Finally, he looks at the youngest boy and asks, "What can I get for
you son?" The youngest boy says without hesitation, "I'd like a
white tombstone with gold letters spelling out my full name."
Clinton is stunned. "Why would such a fine young man such as yourself
want such a thing," he drawls shaking his head.
"Well," replies the youngster, "when my father finds out what I did,
he'll kill me."
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