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Date: Wed, 1 Jun 1994 06:24:14 -0700
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199406011324.GAA08015@netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life A.M
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 10 Sep 93 17:20:08 PDT (Friday)
Subject: Life A.M
First half is just random pieces from various sources:
The second half is Clinton jokes
----------------------------------------------------
From: Harold Reynolds [harold@atm.dal.ca]
You can have too much of a good thing, but since most people think puns are not
good things, they can't get too many of them!
---A punster's justification
--------------------------
From: Vincent.Cate@furmint.nectar.cs.cmu.edu
Telling the future by looking at the past assumes that conditions
remain constant. This is like driving a car by looking in the
rear-view mirror.
- Herb Brody
--------------------------
From: jimiii@nimbus.com (Jim Warford)
Want to fix the US economy?
Make welfare as hard to get
as a building permit!!!!!!!
--------------------------
From: CT Hart [cth@cs.itc.hp.com]
In an Orkin Exterminating Co. survey
of what pests Pittsburghers fear most,
1.3% named their spouses and kids.
--------------------------
From: msb@sq.com (Mark Brader) sig file
"Inventions reached their limit long ago,
and I see no hope for further development."
-- Julius Frontinus, 1st century A.D.
--------------------------
Dani Zweig forwarded this to me from
From: Monica_Cellio@transarc.com
-----
"The Annual All Time Best of the Worst Country Song Titles"
as printed in the "Pittsburgh Post-Gazette"
1. Do You Love as Good as You Look?
8. I Don't Know Whether To Come Home or Go Crazy
11. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
14. I'm Gettin' Gray from Being Blue
15. I'm the Only Hell That Mama Ever Raised
19. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself or Go Bowling
20. If the Jukebox Took Teardrops, I'd Cry All Night Long
29. She Made Toothpicks Out of the Timber of My Heart
30. The Last Word in Lonesome Is "me"
32. Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
--------------------------
From: "Louise Cate" [catel@vnet.ibm.com]
Q: What do you get when you cross Lee Iaccoca with a vampire?
A: An autoexec bat
New Kindergarten Reader for the Computer Age:
C: C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN \RUN\DOS\RUN
--------------------------
From: gandalf@fnalo.fnal.gov (Steve Baginski)
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf &
enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer,
he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake
off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says,
"I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself
in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think
you could keep your head down that long."
--------------------------
From: Adam Colby [alecks@u.washington.edu]
Q: what did the snail say when it was riding on the turtle?
A: WEEEEE!
--------------------------
Forwarded by: Nancy L. Crawford:wbst129
Sender: Letitia L Turner:Wbst129:Xerox
Note: There was a great ad recently in the pet section of the Swap Sheet.
Thought Iıd repeat it for those of you who may be interested.
FOR SALE: Miniature Datsun. AKC registered. $350. Call xxx-xxxx.
--------------------------
From: phz@cadence.com (Pete Zakel)
In response to a discusion of malapropism's, listing:
]a sledge and reindeer
Interestingly enough, and as strange as it looks, "a sledge and reindeer" is
NOT a malapropism. Don't believe me? Just look up "sledge" in any decent
dictionary -- it is British English for "sleigh", and also means "a strong,
heavy sled" in American Engish (which could be drawn be reindeer).
I know this because when I was in the Boy Scouts in Ohio we would have sledge
races every year.
--------------------------
From: James R Davidson:Wbst128
The local farm market had had a sign out front that apparently said:
CIDER
$2.29 / gal
Without thinking, they had covered just the first line with a sign that said
ŞHELP WANTED.Ş
With the result:
HELP WANTED
$2.29 / gal
--------------------------
The following are some postings from HIGHLA-L [HIGHLA-L@psuvm.psu.edu]
A Highlander mailing list, mostly about the TV series
-----
Subj: The movie-we-do-not-name
From: Katherine McKelvey [mckelvey@avocet.ma.iup.edu]
Anyone out there have some nasty rips on HL II? I'd like to hear these..:)
"The action scenes were good, but it lacked something...like a plot.."
-----
From: Rene Gibson [Rene_Gibson@dl5000.bc.edu]
[sigh] Not only was it inconsistent with the first movie, it was
inconsistent with itself...
-----
From: Terrence Howard [THOWARD@miamiu.acs.muohio.edu]
If this movie were a steak the dogs wouldn't even eat it! or
If this movie were a Tuna, StarKISS would take Charlie first.
-----
From: Larry Yaeger [larryy@atg.apple.com]
"I am Dunkin Donut, of the clan Donut. Born 400 years ago in the hot oils
of Scotland. I am Inedible, and I am not alone. For centuries we have
waited for the time of the Banqueting, when the roll of a pin and the
rising of a yeast will release the power of the Leavening. In the end,
there can be only crumbs."
--------------------------
From: syshtg@gsusgi2.gsu.edu (Tom Gillman)
My father-in-law used to be the lead operator on the night shift at Fort
McPherson Army Base in Atlanta, Ga. He related to me the following story:
In early 1978, the Army had a new IBM mainframe installed at the base. This
model put out a lot of heat, and air conditioning of the entire room was pro-
vided to keep the equipment from overheating. About two weeks after installa-
tion, a horrible smell began to permeate the machine room. He checked out
everything that he thought might be causing it, and finally gave up and called
in the CE. Together they tried for several days, without success. Finally,
they decided to put a 24 hour watch on the machine. Around 5:30 AM the next
morning, in comes the cleaning woman. She opens the front panel on the new
machine's cabinet and puts something inside, then starts cleaning the machine
room. They immediately rush over and open the cabinet to find out that she's
been heating up her breakfast every morning by placing it on top of the
power supply in the cabinet. The smell?? Kippered herrings and bagels!!
--------------------------
From: djor!rubin@apple.com (Owen Rubin account)
OK, as long as we are on stupid food 'jokes:, true story:
There is a Buger King near my house. Late one night on the way home
from work (about 11:30 PM or so), having worked all day with no break, I
was hungry enough to stop at 'The King'. I walked in and that place was
empty. There was one employee (I could see) standing in the kitchen cleaning
up. They close at midnight.
He walked out front to the counter and did the usual 'Can I help you?'
I gave him my order, during which he repeated EVERY ITEM into the
microphone on the counter. He took my money and as I headed for a table,
I noticed that HE walked back into the kitchen and prepared my food. There
was nobody else working at that time!
Do you suppose the microphone records all orders for inventory or something?
Or am I giving too much credit here!
Next story:
I was in a car with 3 people and the driver stops at a Jack-In-The-Box for
a soda. He pulls up to the drive-though speaker and after being asked if
they can take his order, he says "yes, I want a large Coke, no ice". He
turns to the people in the car and asks if we want something. "Large Orange
soda" is yelled out, followed by a "small Sprite."
There is a small pause, the guy in the 'box' says, "Large coke, no ice."
"Will there be anything else?"
The driver, annoyed, says "Didn't you get the other orders?" He asks them to
be repeated, we do.
The voice in the box then says "... ok, thats three sodas, would you
like any fries or drinks with that?"
The driver, not to be outdone, says "No thanks, and could you pack that
order to go!" (We just assumed that guy might get the humor here.)
The voice in the box replies "Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to ask you if you
wanted it for here or to go. I'll pack it to go, thanks."
----------------------------------------------------
The following is a batch of jokes about President Clinton:
----------------------------------------------------
From: David B. Neely:ES M1
Whatıs the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
Some people still believe in David Koresh...
--------------------------
From: Nancy L. Crawford:wbst129
Bill Clinton got off the Presidential helicopter with a little
puppy under his arm.
One of the Marine Guards said, "Nice puppy, Mr. President."
Clinton responded, "Thank you. I got him for Hillary."
"And a very good trade it was, sir," said the Marine Guard.
--------------------------
From: bazgan@pyramid.unr.edu (Corvin Bazgan)
Something I read:
"Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the Children of Israel,
'Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels and I will
lead you to the Promised Land.' Nearly 5,000 years later,
Roosevelt said, 'Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses and
light up a Camel. This is the Promised Land.'
Now, Bill Clinton is going to steal the shovels, kick your
asses, raise the price of Camels and mortgage the Promised Land.
If you are one of the fortunate people who has anything left
after paying taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this
worthwhile project."
Folks, you've got to admit, this is beautiful, prophetic,
and accurate.
--------------------------
From: lpb@daisy.swdc.stratus.com (Len Bucuvalas)
Well tit for tat here friend....
THE TOP !) THINGS THAT CLINTON EMULATES
1. Rothschild Family
2. Kissinger Dictates
3. Rockefeller Interests
4. Head of the UN Tribe in USA
5. Liquor Interests
6. Tobacco Interests
7. Doing what Caesar and Stalin were accused of doing
8. Implementing facist economics
9. Violating Constitutional rights (eg: due process)
10.A glutonous power-pandering hegemonial sellout
11. All of The Above
DISCLAIMER: My opinions not my employer(s).
--------------------------
From: Schwartz_Victor@tandem:com
(From "TibBITS", an electronic newsletter published by Adam & Tonya Engst:)
Of course, the most publicized Internet arrival is that of the
President and Vice President of the United States, Bill Clinton
and Al Gore. To increase communication with the White House, the
Clinton administration has set up an Internet site,
whitehouse.gov, along with addresses for both Clinton and Gore.
Now, it's a good bet that neither of them reads the email sent to
those accounts. I have trouble keeping up with the my own email,
and that's only in the range of 30 to 70 messages a day. When you
consider the hundreds if not thousands of messages that must pour
in every day, I'd rather not have the leaders of the country
spending their time reading email, and heaven forbid, becoming
Usenet junkies or spending hours trying to create a saxophone with
ASCII graphics.
--------------------------
From: David B. Neely:ES M1
By the way, on the way in this a.m. I was listening to a few minutes of
Limbaugh. He had a great line. He suggested that Clinton's explanation
last week of why he dropped the Grunier (sp?) nomination like a hot rock
was because he really hadn't taken the time to read her academic writings.
Limbaugh suggested he could use the same excuse for his budget. As he put
it "Mr. President, read it. Then you could explain to the American people
that you hadn't really read through your stupid economic program before
and now that you have, you will get something more appropriate!"
--------------------------
Subj: Clinton Stickers
From: Alexandra Haropulos:McLean CSD
IMPEACH CLINTON
(AND FIRE BILL TOO)
DONıT BLAME ME, I DIDNıT VOTE FOR HILLARY
HOPE ISNıT IN ARKANSAS, ITıS IN ı96
IMAGINE IMPEACHMENT
CLINTON/GORE
GONE IN 4
CUT THE MILITARY BUDGET: FIRE THE COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF
DODGE THE DRAFT, COMMIT ADULTERY, GO TO THE WHITE HOUSE
$30,000/YEAR=RICH
CUT TAXES=TAX INCREASE
ı96=REPUBLICAN
IF CLINTON IS THE ANSWER, IT MUST BE A REALLY STUPID QUESTION
REMEMBER WHEN AMERICA HAD A REAL PRESIDENT?
--------------------------
The following selections are from a list of Bill Clinton jokes forwarded to me by:
blally@eniac.seas.upenn.edu (Phiber Optik):
34. Which is worse, a Vice-President who can't spell or a
President who can't add?
47. When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs,
I didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors.
51. Q: What do the Titanic and the Clinton Administration have
in common?
A: .........going down fast
68. Lyrics to "I am Hillary Hear Me Roar"
I am Hillary, hear me roar
I'm more important than Al Gore
I could run this country if I had the chance
I've got an office down the hall
so Bill can't fool around at all
in this White House family, I wear the pants
Oh, yes, I'm his wife
But I'm in love with politics
Oh, yes, this is the life
I might run in ninety six
If I have to, I will say anything
I am strong
I'm un-divorceable
I am Hillary!
Oh, yes, this is the life
I might run in ninety six
If I have to, I will say anything
I am strong
I'm un-divorceable
I am Hillary!
--------------------------
Forward by: lsil!mhost!hsv3!mvp@fernwood.mpk.ca.us (Mike Van Pelt)
from alt.music.filk.
Slick Willie
Words: Joe Ellis
Music: Sir Arthur Sullivan ("Titwillow" from "The Mikado"
G C/G G
In Arkansas once a young governor sat.
G/D D7 G
Slick Willie, Slick Willie, Slick Willie.
G C/G G
He thought, "To be President! That's where it's at!"
D/A A7 D
Slick Willie, Slick Willie, Slick Willie.
Dm/B E7 Am
"But there's things in my past that I just cannot hide,
Dm/B E7 Am
I have to deny them, I can't let them slide,
F C A9 D
But I know I can win with the press on my side!"
G C/G G
Slick Willie, Slick Willie, Slick Willie.
G C/G G
Now he gathered around him his Democrat flacks,
G/D D7 G
Did Willie, Slick Willie, Slick Willie.
G C/G G
He talked about giving the budget the axe,
D/A A7 D
Did Willie, Slick Willie, Slick Willie.
Dm/B E7 Am
But with one hand he gave while the other took back,
Dm/B E7 Am
He said "Tax the rich, cut the poor folks some slack!"
F C A9 D
But your budget's in need of a logic attack!
G C/G G
Slick Willie, Slick Willie, Slick Willie.
G C/G G
Now, he said he once smoked pot, but didn't inhale,
G/D D7 G
Did Willie, Slick Willie, Slick Willie.
G C/G G
And he hasn't breathed since, 'cuz his brain cells have failed.
D/A A7 D
Slick Willie, Slick Willie, Slick Willie.
Dm/B E7 Am
His stories keep changing from this time to that,
Dm/B E7 Am
He can't keep them straight, just pull one from the hat!
F C A9 D
His own wife can't trust him, that smooth Democrat.
G C/G G
Slick Willie, Slick Willie, Slick Willie.
Words (c) 1992 Joe Ellis
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