Date: 11 Oct 93 15:18:59 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life A.V
The following are from random places
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From ba.politics
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From: dasher@netcom.com (D. Anton Sherwood)
"It took about 150 years, starting with a Bill of Rights that reserved
to the states and the people all powers not explicitly delegated to the
federal government, to produce a Supreme Court willing to rule that
growing corn to feed to your own hogs is interstate commerce and can
be regulated by Congress."
David Friedman, THE MACHINERY OF FREEDOM (p.146)
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From: stratos@netcom.com (Steve Fischer)
Reminds me of that paragon of social virtue, Martin Sheen, who had
Malibu declared a haven for the homeless. Then when a few of them
camped out on his beachfront property, he had the cops haul them off.
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The following is from misc.invest
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In, Don's sig file
From: epur01@email.mot.com (Don Burns)
It's not the return ON the money that worries me.
It's the return OF the money.
-- Will Rogers
--------------------------
From: vos@helix.nih.gov (Peter Vos)
sig file
If knowledge is power, and power corrupts,
What does education lead to?
----------------------------------------------------
From: Joan D. Young:SCB3 Versatec
These are taken out of an article in a PC mag. (Sept. 1992). The title of the article is: The Comedy (And Tragedy) Of Our PC Errors
(Here are out favorite anecdotes):
It wasn't my goof, of course, but while I was trying to explain to a highly paid senior executive how to use a mouse by clicking on the appropriate icon, he picked up the mouse, held it right up to the screen, and clicked. I love it when they do as they're told.
-- Computer systems analyst
A blue line appeared down the side of my screen a week after I purchased it. Technical support said the company would send me a new monitor, but the new one had the same blue line. Technical support then told me to return the entire system because the line was still there. Fortunately, my son said, "Why don't you try one of the knobs on the side, Mom?" The monitor simply needed to be adjusted.
-- Clerical worker
WORDS FROM THE WISE
Woe befalls those who operate PCs on insufficient sleep or while taking cough medicine. PCs should be considered heavy machinery.
-- Graduate student
When the computer asks you, "Are you sure?" ponder for a moment.
-- Secretary
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The following three are from Netwit, and humor mailing list maintained by:
Jeff Knodel [knodel@cis.ohio-state.edu]
--------------------------
--Potato Juice: [APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu]
Subject: Medical Humor
"In medical news, researchers now say that beer, wine
and hard liquor can help to keep your heart healthy.
That's good to know 'cause your heart is under a lot
of strain when you're getting a liver transplant."
- Jay Leno
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From: jcnpc!n8emr!uunet.UU.NET!bsw!eddy (Eddy Sumardy)
An Intuit software customer called technical support with the complaint
that her Intuit Personal Finance software [Quicken] had locked her out
for not knowing a password - yet she had never activated the password feature.
When Intuit's engineers were able to remove the password, they found
the last transaction to be a transfer of the entire checking account
balance to a burglar who had broken in, written a check to himself,
then added a password to the file.
--------------------------
--A Note from the Net: rec.humor
From: alrobins@vela.acs.oakland.edu (Amanda Robinson)
Smitty is interviewing for a new bartender. He asks the guy applying for
the job how he became interested in tending bar.
"Actually," says the guy, "I learned to appreciate the value of mixing
drinks when I was a forest ranger. Before I went off into the wilderness
on my first assignment, my fellow rangers gave me a farewell party. As a
going-away gift, they gave me a martini-making kit, a bottle of gin,
vermouth, a mixer, a stirrer, and a bottle of olives. I was confused.
Why would I need a martini set in the woods? A more experienced ranger
set me straight."
"`You'll find this could be the most important piece of equipment you
have. You may be out there in the wilderness totally alone for weeks,
maybe months. Soon you'll remember your martini set. You'll take it out
and begin to make yourself a martini, and within thirty seconds there will
be someone at your side saying, "That's not the way to make a martini."'"
--------------------------
--Fortune Cookie: lyn@anchor.esd.sgi.com (Lyn Dearborn)
Now and then, an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.
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[This was posted to several places, I don't know where it came from origionally]
This is an actual essay written three years ago by an applicant to New York University. Mr. Hugh Gallagher, the author, now attends NYU, and may possibly have a future career as a writer of fiction.
------
ESSAY: In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HELP DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
------
REPLY: -- I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. Th
e laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken
with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
----------------------------------------------------
The following selections are from a collection built up by:
Chad Hughes [chadh@nafohq.hp.com]
--------------------------
"What is your worst sin?"
"My vanity. I spend hours before the mirrow admiring my beauty."
"That isn't vanity, my dear, that's imagination."
--------------------------
You know the definition of "bigot", don't you?
It's someone who wins an argument with a liberal.
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PATIENT:: Doctor my stomach keeps disagreeing with me.
STOMACH:: No I don't.
--------------------------
In Madison, NJ a new store that sells used CDs opened up last year.
Their shoplifting-deterrence policy is simple: this sign is hanging
from one of the display cases:
CD CASES ARE EMPTY!
Shoplifters will be prosecuted and laughed at.
--------------------------
Two guys in a Yugo were arrested last night in
Oakland following a push-by shooting incident.
The new Yugo has an air bag. When you sense an
impending accident, start pumping real fast.
--------------------------
Too good to not forward... these come from the book THE 776 STUPIDEST THINGS
EVER SAID, by Ross and Kathryn Petras.
-----
--"Sure, I look like a white man. But my heart is as black as
anyone's here." George Wallace, during a presidential campaign
speech to a largely black audience.
--"This portion of `Women on the Run' is brought to you by Phillips'
Milk of Magnesia." Harry Von Zell, radio announcer in the 1950's.
--------------------------
An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a
roadside inn, with a sign reading: "GEORGE AND THE DRAGON." He knocked.
The innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.
"Could ye spare some victuals?"
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted. The
vagabond knocked again.
"What now?" the woman screeched.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
--------------------------
A Norwegian friend of mine told me that a Swedish chainsaw manufacturer
began marketing thier product in the US, with an English language manual
noticeably larger than the Swedish or Norwegian versions. News commentators
explained with great humor in a report that this was because of all the
additional warnings, including (they pointed out specifically) "Do not
attempt to stop the chainsaw with your hand."
This was made even more humorous a couple of years later, when they were
saved a pile of money in a lawsuit brought by a US citizen who was injured
stopping the chainsaw with his hand. He was unable to collect, since the
manual specifically warned against it.
Rune surmised that the warnings were legally unnecessary in the Scandinavian
manuals, since no Scandinavian would publicly admit to doing anything that
stupid.
--------------------------
Here's some Apple humor regarding the layoffs etc...
========================
The Night Before Layoffs
'Twas the night before layoffs, and all through the shop,
Not a person was working, their jobs at full stop.
The employees were wrung out, too mindless to care,
Their chances of staying hadn't a prayer.
The investors were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of profits danced in their heads.
When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my cube to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But Michael Spindler, oblivious to fear.
More rapid than eagles, his pink slips they came,
And he whistled and shouted as he called out each name;
Out Johnny! Out Mary! Out Freddy! Out Pete!
On Outsources! On Closings! On Price we Compete!
His eyes were glazed over, his face rather mean,
]From weekends and nights haranguing his team.
A wink of his eye, and a nod of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had something to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Outsourcing my job, he stopped with a jerk.
Then he pressed the "Return" on his Powerbook with glee,
And the business ran profitably as investors could see.
The margins were up there, the expenses, they dropped,
While the Mercury inquired, if the firing had stopped.
He let go the managers, and the employees as well
With nary a gunshot and all had gone swell.
The layoff was finished, the firing concluded.
No worker's opinion was ever included.
And the Workforce exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
"When fattened for two years, how many more will you want?"
----------------------------------------------------
From: CT Hart [cth@cs.itc.hp.com]
MANGLING MODIFIERS
(Collected by Richard Lederer)
* Yoko Ono will talk about her husband, John Lennon, who was killed in an
interview with Barbara Walters.
* After years of being lost under a pie of dust, Chester D. Thatcher III found
all the old records of the Bangor Lions Club at the Bangor House.
* Please take time to look over the brochure that is enclosed with your family.
* I wish to express my thanks to the Post Office for the great, kind service
they give and for the patience they have with little old ladies in mailing
packages.
* Plunging 1,000 feet into the gorge, we saw Yosemite Falls.
* CALF BORN TO FARMER WITH TWO HEADS
* CHURCHILL LEAVES WIFE LEANING ON PLANE
* Two cars were reported stolen by the Groveton police yesterday.
* As a baboon who grew up wild in the jungle, I relized that Wiki had special
nutritional needs.
* In 1979, he bought majority control of the company's stock, along with his
mother.
* Locked in a vault for 50 years, the owner of the jewels has decided to sell
them.
* Breaking into the window of the girls' dormitory, the dean of men surprised
10 members of the football team.
* The judge sentenced the killer to die in the electric chair for the second
time.
* Farmhand Joe Mobbs hoists a cow injured while giving birth to its feet.
* Here are some suggestions for handling obscene phone calls from New
England Telephone Company.
----------------------------------------------------
From: Donald P Grantham:DlosLV300
True story.
One of my customers several years ago had a problem where their VT-IIA Visual Type system would not boot - it had disk errors. They had copied the systems disks, but they, also, failed with disk errors. The disks were the old Diablo 2.5 meg rigids. They had racks and racks of data disk, and quite a few (now bad) systems disks. These errors occurred irregularly, it seemed, until I began researched when we had shipped them replacement disks. These were always shipped the first Monday of the month.
Unable to think of WHY the disks failed on the first Monday of the month, I finally went to the account the Friday before, to see what transpired over the weekend. I put a power meter on the system, several other monitors.
Nothing. Come Monday, bingo, three systems disks, all crashed. Fortunately, I had a spare, so they were back in business.
Next end of month, I spent the entire Friday night there, and was leaving for breakfast Saturday morning when the clean-up crew came trudging in. I ate, returned, headed for the WP center. The cleaners were just putting wax on the tile floor, and there was a large industrial buffer plugged in.
The systems disks, being the least-used disks, were on the bottom shelves of the cabinets. The buffers were erasing enough to cause errors.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life humor collection maintainer, selections from the internet
From: "Patrick Ryan" [p.ryan@uws.edu.au]
"Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
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