Date: 29 Oct 93 16:02:10 PDT (Friday)
Subject: Life B.3
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From the GIGGLES Digest
From: BENK [BENK.IAT@MHS.UNC.EDU]
Two cows are standing around in a paddock. One of them says, "MOOOO" and the
other says, "I thought you'd say that"
------------------------------
From column by Joe Creason in the Louisville Courier-Journal
There once was a nasty and mean man, a baseball umpire by profession. He was
so mean that he used to beat his wife and son and kick the dog all the time.
One day, however, he realized the evil of his ways and decided to reform. He
came home from a busy day at the ballpark. He took his wife in his arms and
kissed her. She was so shocked that she fainted. He bent over to pet the dog,
but the dog ran away with its tail between its legs. He then sat down in his
favorite chair and called his son to come sit on his lap. The son, trembling,
refused his father's request. MORAL: The son never sits on the brutish
umpire.
------------------------------
From: "Jill A. Albert" [BEACHNUT@VTVM1.BITNET]
A big lean 6'2", 220 lb. Texan came storming down the street of this Western
town. He crashed into the saloon and demanded, "Who the heck painted my
horse's butt red?" Slowly...a 6'6", 350 lb. cowboy stood up and gruffly said,
"I did...what about it?" After thinking for a minute, the Texan replied,
"Uh...Um...Er...I just wanted to let you know that the first coat is dry."
------------------------------
From: Charles Pecheur [pecheur@MONTEFIORE.ULG.AC.BE]
Q: What's the difference between a dollar and a rouble ?
A: A dollar.
Q: What's the relation between a dollar, a rouble and a pound?
A: A pound of roubles equals a dollar.
------------------------------
From: "Michael D. Meyer" [MDMEYER@CORPSB.REMNET.AB.COM]
A lion was hunting for his dinner when he came upon two men setting in a
clearing. On man was reading a book and the other was busy typing a letter.
The lion pounced on the man with the book and ate him up because every lion
knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
------------------------------
From: herb rotfeld [ROTFELD@BUSINESS.AUBURN.EDU]
Truth funnier than the jokes:
The following are actual complaints from faculty members' student evaluations
over the past few years (here and at other universities):
"My grade was unfairly hurt by my in ability (sic) to write."
"I was not motivated by always having my ideas challenged."
"I would recommend this course only to a friend who likes to read."
"I did not like being asked about the readings before the instructor told me
the answers of what parts we should know for exams."
"It was unfair that my grade was not as high as it might have been if I had
scored better when writing answers on test exams or typing the writing for
doing term papers. I think not that my grade might be pulled down if the
instructor has difficulty understanding what I meant to say."
------------------------------
From: Richard Hudson [rhudson@SYSTEMA.WESTARK.EDU]
Early in the century in south Arkansas three contenders were vying for the
office of sheriff. They gathered on the courthouse lawn for the annual evening
of political speeches.
One candidate, an amputee, explained to the audience that he had given a leg
for the south during the battle at Vicksburg. Another, with an empty sleeve,
declared, "My arm lies on the battlefield at Jacksonburg where I fought with
Gen. Robert E. Lee!" When it was his time to speak, the third man said,
"Folks, I didn't fight in the Civil War, but I was with Teddy Roosevelt when we
attacked San Juan. We struggled up that hill, men dying right and left. When
we were about 50 feet from the top, Teddy turned to me and said, 'Joe, the man
that leads the charge over that hilltop will be president of the United States
some day.'" I said, "You go ahead, Teddy.
.....All I want is to be the Sheriff of Calhoun County!"
------------------------------
From: Steve Hoffman [steveh@ESKIMO.COM]
Jewish mother's medical ID bracelet: In case of accident, I'm not surprised.
------------------------------
From: Steve Hoffman [steveh@ESKIMO.COM]
Hospitality is making people feel at home when you wish they were.
------------------------------
From: TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU Subj: STORIES: Various (G, Clean humor)
In order to get out of debt, I set strict spending limits for myself.
Eventually my efforts paid off, and I was able to afford a trip with my
mother. When we checked into our hotel, I presented my credit card. Looking
concerned, the clerk handed it back and asked if I was sure I wanted to use
it.
I was puzzled until I turned the card over. There on the back was a note I'd
written to myself months earlier: "Touch this and die."
------------------------------
From: TKENNETT@BENTLEY.EDU Subj: STORIES: Various (G, Clean humor)
My husband's uncle thought he had conquered the problem of trying to remember
his wife's birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with the
florist, provided him with the dates and instructions to send flowers along
with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well
until one day, many bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and
said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"
------------------------------
From: "Michael D. Meyer" [MDMEYER@CORPSB.REMNET.AB.COM]
A zoo acquired gnu and due to lack of space had to put it in a section that was
not completed. Three quarters of the cage had already been tiled, and the rest
of the tile was stacked in a corner awaiting installation. The next day the
zoo keeper was amazed to find the job completed apparently buy the gnu. The
zoo keeper, thinking somebody was playing a joke on him, moved the gnu to
another unfinished cage. The gnu immediately began to lay the tile and
finished the job in a half hour.
The zoo keeper called a press conference to announce his amazing discovery.
One of the reporters asked him how he would describe something so
extraordinary. He thought for a moment then said, "He's a typical gnu and a
tiler, too."
------------------------------
From: Gorycki Janusz - UE92 [kalamon@MUGGY1.GUMBEERS.ELKA.PG.GDA.PL]
A Russian caught a goldfish. It says: "Let me go and I will fulfill Your three
wishes" The Russian says: "It's OK with me, here are my wishes:
-I want all water in all lakes turn into vodka,
-I want all water in all rivers turn into vodka,
-and give me a bottle of vodka."
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Mark R Panitz [mpanitz@EIS.CALSTATE.EDU] pulled these from rec.aviation
From: glennw@cbnewsm.cb.att.com (glenn.r.wesley)
What's the difference between God and pilots? God doesn't think he's a pilot.
------------------------------
From: glennw@cbnewsm.cb.att.com (glenn.r.wesley)
Newsgroups: rec.aviation
A student was having difficulty with his landings. Seems like he would bounce
it in every time. However, on the first night lesson, the student greased in
all of his landings.
Puzzled, the instructor asked, "How are you doing that? You have so much
trouble during the day?"
The student replied, "It's easy, I continue the approach until you stiffen up,
then I just pull back."
------------------------------
From: glennw@cbnewsm.cb.att.com (glenn.r.wesley)
On my first solo cross country, I was flying north through the San Fernando
valley and trying to keep track of traffic callouts. Apparently there was a
controller with a similar problem.
He had managed to confuse a commercial jet on approach to Burbank with a
private plane that was transitioning south across the valley. For a period of
about 90 seconds he was calling out instructions to them that weren't quite
what they wanted ... and finally the commercial jet pilot enquired as to where
he was being sent.
There was a brief exchange about intentions, followed by an "oops" and 30
seconds of silence. The next voice I heard on that frequency said:
"Attention all aircraft. Previous controller no longer a factor.
------------------------------
From: glennw@cbnewsm.cb.att.com (glenn.r.wesley)
Scene: Student and instructor are on a dual, night cross country.
Instructor: (Turns down the panel lights) "OK, you've just lost your lights,
what are you going to do?"
Student: (Pulls out a flashlight) "I get out my flashlight."
Instructor: (Grabs flashlight) "The batteries are dead, now what are you going
to do?"
Student: (Pulls out another flashlight) "I get out my other flashlight."
Instructor: (Grabs next flashlight) "The bulb is burned out on this one, now
what?"
Student: (Pulls out yet a third flashlight) "I use this flashlight."
Instructor: (Grabs this one too) "ALL your flashlights are dead. Now what?"
Student: "I use this glow stick."
Instructor: "Sighhhhhh, just fly the plane without any lights, OK?"
------------------------------
From: glennw@cbnewsm.cb.att.com (glenn.r.wesley)
Story I heard when I was getting my private on Long Island:
Local fellow working his way up had padded his logbook with extra twin time.
For a couple of these "flights" he'd used the tail number of a twin he'd seen
passing through his airport -- it looked like it was from far away, and headed
back there. The checkride was at a bigger airport nearby. After the ride the
examiner was looking at the logbook and checking the totals.
"Nice plane, that N12345" says the examiner.
"Sure is," says the candidate.
"I don't suppose you know that I own that plane?" asked the examiner as he
motioned out the window to where it was parked, just down the line.
------------------------------
From: glennw@cbnewsm.cb.att.com (glenn.r.wesley)
A true story (from the latest edition of Australian Aviation magazine):
After a particularly lousy landing by the co-pilot of an Australian commercial
airline, that co-pilot heard the Captain announce "Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX
airlines wishes to apologize for that rough landing provided today by our first
officer".
Some months later the same crew were together and, you guessed it, the Captain
did an even worse one. The First Officer immediately jumped on the intercom
announcing "Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologize for that
rough landing provided today by our Captain".
The Captain immediately responded angrily, "What did you say that for?".
The First Officer replied "Remember a couple of months back? I owed it to
you!".
"But I never keyed the mike!", responded the Captain.
------------------------------
From: glennw@cbnewsm.cb.att.com (glenn.r.wesley)
Q. Why did Santa Claus ask Rudolf to lead his sleigh team?
A. Rudolf was the only one who was IFR current.
------------------------------
From: glennw@cbnewsm.cb.att.com (glenn.r.wesley)
Here is a joke that I read in a cartoon in Air Force magazine a while back. I
can only paraphrase and the animation is helpful too, but:
Lt. Green was out on his first solo flight in a T-38 and was feeling a bit
cocky. He decided to see what ballistic flight was like and pulled the jet into
a vertical climb. After a few seconds he got a call from the tower as follows,
"Ghost 53Z, tower. Say heading," to which the pilot responded "Uh, up, sir."
------------------------------
From: glennw@cbnewsm.cb.att.com (glenn.r.wesley)
(Heard on the radio - _really_)
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the
airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel
truck is."
------------------------------
From: glennw@cbnewsm.cb.att.com (glenn.r.wesley)
(This one really happened - the FE was suspended:)
On some air carrier operations, a video camera was installed in the cockpit so
that passengers could watch the pilot land the plane. On one flight, the FE
decided to have some fun with the passengers and purchased part of a gorilla
costume; more specifically, just the left arm. When the plane came in to land,
the camera was turned on, and the FE had his gorilla arm on. Since from the
position of the camera all you could see of the FE was his left arm, whenever
he went to reach up and flip (a) switch(es), all the video showed was a hairy
arm! So the passengers were given the illusion that a monkey (or whatever
their imagination wished to conjure) was operating some of the controls!!!
------------------------------
From: glennw@cbnewsm.cb.att.com (glenn.r.wesley)
This T-38 pilot ran out of fuel and decided to put it down on a road. He
managed to coast into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!"
The attendant just looked at the pilot. "Bet you don't get too many airplanes
asking for a fuel," said the pilot. The attendant replied, "True, most pilots
use the airport over there."
------------------------------
From: glennw@cbnewsm.cb.att.com (glenn.r.wesley)
This story was told to me by a friend who "swore" he heard it on an IFR flight
in Germany. It seems a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130
reserve pilot was in the (that day very crowded) instrument pattern for landing
at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this:
Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three
miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."
Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred
and thirty knots fur ya."
Cont (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2
miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."
Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"
Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile
ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"
Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here
C-130 is?"
Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."
------------------------------
From: glennw@cbnewsm.cb.att.com (glenn.r.wesley)
A friend of mine in my unit in Germany used to tell this story on himself
and I thought it was hilarious. Seems he was flying an Army UH-1H, Huey,
one day somewhere up around Chicago. As has happened to all of us,
probably, at one time or another, he just couldn't seem to get his tongue
coordinated at all and was fumble-tonguing everything he said.
Center asked him some simple question and his reply went something like
this. "Uh, this is Army helichop...uh, helicopter 15789...uh 15987. We'd
like to climb to... uh we'd like to descend to 5000 and then practice a
shoot approach....uh shoot a practice ILS blackcourse, uh, backcourse at
Grandview Navy...uh, Glenview Navy..." He said that after finally getting
the transmission completed, and feeling like a dang fool there was a short
period of silence over the radio before someone (who he said you could tell
was some Captain on a commercial airliner in the vicinity) came back with a
very short comment of "Hire the handicapped". He said that he never felt
so stupid in his life as he did about then.
------------------------------
From: glennw@cbnewsm.cb.att.com (glenn.r.wesley)
Controller sitting next to me is trying to change Mooney 45Q to my freq, but
gets no response. Thinking that the Mooney may have already switched to my
freq accidentally, since he's a local pilot who knew it was coming, he asks me
to check.
Me: "Mooney 45Q, on you on this frequency?"
45Q: "Negative. But I should be any time now."
------------------------------------------------------------
1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved
The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use
as long as the signature file below is included
The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by
the individual contributors who should be contacted
if you wish to forward their entry.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
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