Date: 16 Nov 93
Subject: Life B.8
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Sifted out of rec.humor by Keijo V{h{hyypp{ [keijovh@mdata.fi]
From: ESETIAWAN@KUHUB.CC.UKANS.EDU (EKO SETIAWAN - DUDE!)
I was in the subway today when I felt a hand in my pocket. I turned to the
owner of the hand and asked, "What are you doing?" He said, "Looking for a
match." I asked, "Why didn't you ask for one?" He said, "I don't talk to
strangers."
------------------------------
From: ESETIAWAN@KUHUB.CC.UKANS.EDU (EKO SETIAWAN - DUDE!)
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding. The man insisted he was not
speeding. "Just ask my wife," he said. The policeman looks at his wife and
asked, "Was he speeding?" The wife replied, "No, but I never disagree with him
when he's been drinking."
------------------------------
From: butina@netsun.mdc.com (Tony Butina)
The story I heard about Einstein that I like is:
One day a reporter asked Einstein if he knew Ohms Law. Einstein replied that
he didn't. The report went on about how could it be that the famous Dr.
Einstein did not know one of the basic laws of electricity. To which Einstein
replied: I may not what it is, but I know were the book is that contains it.
------------------------------
From: reid@ucs.indiana.edu (Frank Reid)
A teacher in Chicago public schools was out for two months with a broken
ankle. On the day that she returned to work, she wore 3-inch spike heels.
Someone remarked with surprise to see her wearing heels so soon.
"My doctor told me to," she said.
"What do you mean?"
"He told me to keep my foot elevated."
[No, she was not blonde.]
------------------------------
From: cam@castle.ed.ac.uk (Chris Malcolm)
Working late one evening the office phone rang. We didn't answer. It kept
ringing. My colleague signed to me to pick up my extension and listen while he
picked up his (same line). We picked them up together and he said
"Look, will you please stop ringing this phone, there's nobody here!"
"Oh. I'm terribly sorry, I thought someone might be working late," said the
caller, and put the phone down.
------------------------------
From: cs884@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Steven Lam)
Since we're talking about Super-morons encountered over the phone, here's one
that actually happened (TRUE)! Names have been changed to protect the FOOL!
Customer: Where can I get a BIOS upgrade for by 286 computer?
Tech: The unit should have been shipped with the latest bios.
Customer: Well I upgraded the processor myself, and my computer doesn't seem to
work.
Tech: What did you upgrade the processor to?
Customer: I upgraded it to a 486DX-50.
Tech: Sir... The 286 chip is soldered on the motherboard!
Customer: I know, I took out my handy soldering iron and took it out and put
the 486 on myself.
Tech: Sir, the 486 is bigger than the 286.
Customer: I know, I had to use quite a bit of solder to solder the extra pins
together.
Tech: Sir I have to put you on hold for a second.
The Tech laughed so hard he almost fell out of his chair.
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Sifted out of rec.humor by:James R Davidson:Wbst128
From: neil@Smallworld.co.uk (Neil Pawson)
There are four kinds of people - those who talk about things and do things,
those who say nothing but do things, those who say nothing and do nothing and
those who talk about doing things but do nothing.
[There are two kinds of people in the world: those who divide all people into
two kinds, and those who do not.]
------------------------------
When he was a kid, comedian Jerry Seinfeld says, any time he'd ask his mother
to buy him something, she'd reply, "What do I look like? A bank?"
He ruminates, "If you think about it, when you're ten, your parents *are* the
bank. That's the only place you can get money when you're ten. If I'm ten
years old, can I walk into Chase Manhattan? The teller's just going to say,
`What do I look like-- your mother?'"
------------------------------
True story:
My brother-in-law was talking with some German students on a train who were
making fun of the geographic knowledge of Americans. One of them said "I'll bet
most Americans don't even know there are 48 states in the United States."
------------------------------
From: chris@siemens-can.com (Christian v. Normann)
Seen in a cartoon:
At a car rental counter in Florida: "What kind of car would you like? Compact,
mid-size, full-size or armored?"
------------------------------
I used to work for an Australian company. They loved to bash Americans. One
day several Ozzies and I were engaged in a "frank and open discussion of the
issues" when one of them told the old saw:
What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Trilingual. Two
languages? Bilingual. One language? American.
After their guffawing died down, I asked each of them how many languages they
spoke. All initially claimed two, although when pressed, they were each unable
to speak the non-English language (or English very well, for that matter ;-)
).
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Sifted out of rec.humor by: krisna@cs.wisc.edu (Krishna Kunchithapadam)
From: bk@hopper.ACS.Virginia.EDU (Brian Knatz)
While we're picking nits: it wasn't Groucho's friend who was Jewish, but
Groucho himself. Groucho's SON was only half jewish.
So Groucho was told that he himself wasn't allowed into the club's pool, to
which he replied "My son's only half jewish -- can he go in up to his waist?"
------------------------------
From: anil@cessna (Anil V. Narwani)
Another incident I remember froma a few years ago when I worked at the computer
center of the University: a student came in and complained that she saved a
file (Mac) earlier that day, but now she can't find it.
Computer assistant: And which Mac did you use earlier when you saved it?
Student: Oh, this same one.
Computer assistant: Perhaps it's on the harddrive...
Student: No, some other assistant saved it on my disk for me.
Computer assistant: (Looks for disk icon, looks in drive, can't find the
disk) Where's the disk?
Student: In my bag...
------------------------------
From: ed@bcvms.bc.edu (Edmund C. Greene)
And one I was not involved in but heard. Someone wanted to use a PC that had a
high density 5.25" drive but all they had were double density, so she stapled
two double density disks together then wondered why they wouldn't fit in the
drive.
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From: rdictus@vnet3.vub.ac.be (Roy Dictus)
Man comes in, in a panic. He had typed a document the day before, and now it
was all gone. "Have you saved it properly?" was of course my first question.
Yes, he said, it was saved properly. But all the text had mysteriously
disappeared.
On his disk, I found a completely empty document. Indeed it was saved,
apparently, and indeed it did not contain text. Of course, he had saved the
document right BEFORE he started typing. When it was finished, he took out his
disk and shut down the computer. And now all that text
was gone, even though he had SAVED!!! .......
To top it all off, he got mad at ME when I told him the only thing he could do
was retype the whole thing.
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From: rpeterson@cc.weber.edu (Ron Peterson)
Most people think that Stephen, the first Christian martyr after Christ, was
killed by stoning, but actually he was run over by a Honda automobile. Act 7:57
says they "ran upon him with one Accord."
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From: plobel@kean.ucs.mun.ca
A powerful person in England was constantly pressuring Disraeli for a Baroncy
(to be made a Baron). Finally, Disraeli told him "Sir, I simply cannot give you
a Baroncy. However, if you would like to say that I offered you a Baroncy and
you refused it, that is OK"
------------------------------
From: $johannesonp@news.brandonu.ca
"Relax boys, they couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--"
(last words of some general (I think it was Sedgwick) at the battle of
Spotsylvania)
------------------------------
From: nacokar@acs.ucalgary.ca (Nadeem Ahmed Cokar)
I was walking down the street when I saw an actor carrying a cigar box. I told
him that he must be doing really well to be carrying a cigar box, and asked if
everything was going great.
He replied, "No, I'm moving"
------------------------------
From: barry@temss2 (Barry Hollander)
On my previous job a user needed a program but didn't have a modem, so I told
him I'd overnight him a diskette. He then asked me if I could *fax* the
diskette to him! If I didn't need my job I would have told him I would, but
dominos was faxing me a pizza and he'd have to wait a bit. :)
------------------------------------------------------------
1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved
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--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
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