Date: 22 Nov 93 15:10:06 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life B.9
fido.humor was forwarded to me by: Robert Dolan:wbst129UL
------------------------------------------------------------
Selections are from fido.humor
Mrs. Weinstein - "Is there a doctor in the house? Please, I need to know, is
there a doctor in the house?"
Dr. Goldberg - "Yes. I am a doctor. How may I help you"
Mrs Weinstein - "Oh Doctor. Thank God. I'd like you to meet my daughter."
------------------------------
A fish walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Sorry we don't serve fish
here." The fish replied, "Good, I'll stay."
------------------------------
Did you hear about the woman who poured margaritas in her birdbath? -It was
enough tequila mockingbird.
------------------------------
Subj: Anti-Barney League - Barney Must Die New
From: HELLRAISER [STUHAVEN%EKU.BITNET@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU]
To: Multiple recipients of list RELUSR-L [RELUSR-L@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU]
"Barney is more insidious than Dianetics!"
-- Gumby, '60s animation star
------------------------------
TOP TEN TRANSPORTER MALFUNCTION EPISODES WE HAVEN'T SEEN (YET):
10.An away team disappears, and the mystery isn't solved until it is discovered
that ensign Scott, who entered the coordinates into the transporter is
dyslexic.
9. During an ion storm, Worf is beamed up, but finds himself a long time ago in
a galaxy far, far away---"Star Worf"
8. Worf is accidentally beamed through an improbability field and turns into a
bowl of petunias. Troi can sense only one thought from him (which also happens
to be the episode title):"Oh no,not again".
7. A short circuit causes the transporter system to shrink the away team to
microscopic size and transported into Geordi's visor-- "A Beam in Geordi's
Eye".
6. Static interference with the transporter system causes the away team to
instantly age 50 years. Since de-aging people is now standard procedure of the
enterprise, this episode is fixed before the credits start. The rest of the
episode consists of a discussion on why shields always fail--"Staff Meeting".
5. A subspace disturbance affects the transporter, causing a genetic alteration
in Captain Picard which makes his nose grow even longer--"Picarnocchio".
4. While testing a new transporter system, O'Brian doesn't notice a fly on the
transporter pad with him. The Enterprise is then boarded by a horde of
copyright lawyers.
3. A power surge as Data is being beamed sends him back to 1985 on Earth. It
also short circuits his positronic circuits, so he believes that he must kill
a woman named Sarah Conner--"Termidata".
2. Data, Troi, and Riker have their signals scrambled together by a computer
error and become one being: A logical first officer with psychic
power--"Mindmeld".
AND THE NUMBER ONE TRANSPORTER MALFUNCTION EPISODE WE HAVEN'T SEEN (YET):
1. Troi and Worf are beaming up from a planet when an ionic pulse disrupts the
beam. Troi is okay, but Worf is split into seven small, bearded men, each with
a different dominant trait--"Troi White and the Seven Worfs".
------------------------------
The best thing on TV now is the OFF switch
------------------------------
Bill Clinton lines:
Arkansas figured out a way to get rid of Clinton.
------------------------------
Asked for an audience with Clinton but only got to meet Bill.
------------------------------
Bill Clinton is attempting to UNzip your wallet.
------------------------------
Bush, Perot, Clinton: Do nothing, Say nothing, Nothing
------------------------------
Clinton defense #17: Aliens ran my campaign while I was with Elvis.
------------------------------
Clinton for President? Sure, but what about her husband?
------------------------------
Clinton is like Odo. They both change before your eyes.
------------------------------
Clinton is to Washington as 'Pong' is to a Cray.
------------------------------
Clinton may not have inhaled but Brown has never exhaled.
------------------------------
Clinton the best hope? That's like saying Moe was the smart stooge.
------------------------------
CLINTON.SYS Installed DODGE.EXE Running.
------------------------------
Clinton/Gore for a kinder, gentler Communism.
------------------------------
Clinton/Gore: Divide by ZERO error - not allowed!
------------------------------
Clintonism: One who allows their purse snatched = patriot.
------------------------------
Error opening CLINTON.LIE Cannot recover COUNTRY.USA.
------------------------------
Is that a real yes or a Clinton 'Yes'.
------------------------------
President Clinton: America gets the Bill.
------------------------------
There was this frog on a lily pad, in the middle of a pond, surrounded by
alligators. He didn't want to be eaten but he couldn't think of a way to get
to edge of the pond without being gobbled up. Then, as he was about to give
up, he looked up. Up in a tree was an owl.
He called to the owl and asked, "Mr. Owl, I am stuck on a lily pad in the
middle of this pond, surrounded by alligators. How can I get to the edge of
the pond without being eaten?"
The owl looked down at the frog and said, "Well Mr. Frog, it is obvious. You
should fly off your lily pad to the edge of the pond."
Hearing this the frog began to flap his arms frantically. He then leaped
into the air so as to fly to the edge of the pond. But instead he fell right
into the open mouth of a nearby alligator.
Just before the alligator closed his mouth, the frog shouted up to the owl in
the tree, "Mr. Owl, didn't you know that frogs can't fly?"
The owl responded, "I do concepts, not implementation."
------------------------------
Reverend Endicott died and went to heaven. Strolling through the clouds on
his first day, he went hours without seeing another soul. At the end of the
day he found only three other men. They didn't seem to be too happy. One
explained that his afterlife was dull. He read all day, he napped, and once
in a while he exercised. Puzzled, the reverend asked Saint Peter if a
scouting trip to hell was possible? Saint Peter waved an okay.
The reverend found himself in a fiery region, but as he walked on, he heard
music coming from the distance. He walked faster, almost breaking into a
run, and soon arrived at a strange scene. He seemed to be in some kind of
cabaret. People sat at the tables drinking and carousing. On the huge dance
floor, thousands, perhaps millions, of people danced to a rock-an-roll
ensemble with twenty guitarists, a dozen men at synthesizers, and drummers
too numerous to count.
Now even more puzzled, the reverend asked to be returned to heaven. He asked
Saint Peter, "How come Hell is dancing and music, and up here things are so
quiet?"
Saint Peter answered, "Do you think we'd hire a band for just three people?"
------------------------------
The line for the bowl game was endless. It wound clear around the
stadium. A late arrival walked up to the front of the line and tried to
push his way in. A burly fan who'd been waiting for the gates to open since
ten growled at the late arrival and heaved him fifty feet back into the
line.
A second time, the man tried to edge his way into the front. Again, he was
tossed back.
After the third time, the late arrival picked himself up and said,
"If you don't stop throwing me out of line, nobody's getting in today. I have
the key!"
------------------------------
It's customary in pro football to greet a new hotshot with some special
attention. One new running back was put in the game. On the first play he
was knocked down and eleven opposing players plopped down on him with all
their weight and more. When they were finally pulled off, the new hotshot
shook the cobwebs out of his head, got up, looked around, and said, "How'd
all of those eighty thousand folks get back in their seats so fast?"
------------------------------
Two drunks found themselves on a roller coaster. One said, "We're making
great time, but I'm not sure this is the right bus!"
------------------------------
Al went into a New York cafe and asked for a Manhattan. The bartender was
an Indian and charged him twenty-four dollars!
------------------------------
He never drinks when he's driving. He doesn't want to spill any!
------------------------------
One day he saw a sign: "Drink Canada Dry." He went!
------------------------------------------------------------
1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved
The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use
as long as the signature file below is included
The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by
the individual contributors who should be contacted
if you wish to forward their entry.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
To learn how to get a MS Windows 3.1 Application with
15,000 jokes from the Life Humor collection, send E-Mail
to life@netcom.com with "Info" in the Subject.
Or check out http://www.offshore.com.ai/lifehumor
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page