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Date: Thu, 21 Jul 1994 07:19:45 -0700
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199407211419.HAA15187@netcom13.netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life B.C
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 29 Nov 93 12:53:54 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life B.C
The following are from the humor list:
HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu (Or HUMOR@uga.bitnet)
To add yourself send to LISTSERV@UGA.bitnet the command
SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname, as the first line in the message
----------------------------------------------------
From: SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET
Subj: Bumper Sticker
Coal Miners Dig Their Work
--------------------------
From: Rick Dahm [dahm@CVAX.IPFW.INDIANA.EDU]
Five hundred years ago, two arab countries were at war. The king of one
country called for his finest spy and told him to steal the enemy's battle
plans. That night, the spy sneaked into the enemy camp and eventually
found out where the plans were. He stole them but, on his way out, he saw the
guard had been increased. Needing a distraction, the spy set fire to the
camp's prayer tent, or zigurrat, and stole out of camp. He hadn't gone
more than a few paces when a squad of heavily armed guards captured him
and dragged him before the enemy leader. The spy was more appalled at having
been caught.
The leader smiled and said,"we could smell the smoke from your cloak."
The spy was horrified. "You mean...?"
The leader nodded."Smoking zigurrats is dangerous to your stealth."
--------------------------
From: "Dawn M. Shotts" [dawns@ALPHA.ACAST.NOVA.EDU]
An Easterner who walked into a Western saloon was amazed to see a dog
sitting at a table playing poker with three men. "Can that dog really
read cards?" he asked.
"Yeah, but he ain't much of a player," said one of the men. "Whenever he
gets a good hand he wags his tail."
--------------------------
From: Steve Gorelick [smg@AQUILA.GC.CUNY.EDU]
A old man in Miami Beach gets hit by a car.
A policeman approaches him lying on the ground and asks: "Mr., Mr. are you
comfortable?"
The man think for a second and responds: "I make a good living."
--------------------------
From: Phil Corless [APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET]
A golfer's ball had landed just left of the fairway.
As he searched for it in the weeds, he noticed a police
car parked across the road. "I don't know where your
ball went," the police officer yelled to him, "but for
what it's worth, it was going 42 miles an hour!"
--------------------------
From: Steve Bell [BELL_SW@BRUTUS.VOUGHT.COM]
Recent bumper sticker:
It's now official:
Jimmy Carter is no longer the worst president the U.S. ever had.
--------------------------
From: "Rich.Carl" [ADP3S@MSU.BITNET]
Q: I know the first thing a man notices about a woman is her figure. But
what's the first thing a woman notices about a man?
A: His eyes -- they show her whether he notices her. That report with
analysis is from the hidden-camera researchers.
Q: If a mouse gets into a beehive, how do the bees get it out?
A: They sting it to drive it out. But if stings kill it before it can escape,
they coat it with propolis, or "bee glue." It hardens into a tough brown
coating so it's tightly sealed in its own varnished coffin. Just another
piece of hive furniture.
In only one society worldwide are the people known to be entirely free from
cancer: the Hunzas of northwest Kashmir. That has been reported repeatedly
over the last couple of decades. But the why of it remains a mystery.
--------------------------
From: "d.parkin" [dhp@CAD-CEN.CO.UK]
A dog walks into a JobCentre and says to the assistant:
"Excuse me pal, you got any jobs for me?"
The assistant picks himself up off the floor and recomposes himself -
"Um, yeah, leave it with me, come back in an hour and I'll see what I can do
for you."
The dog leaves. The assistant rings Billy Smart's Circus.
"Hey Billy - you interested in a talking Dog?"
"Of course, send him along! If he's any good there'll be a few quid in it
for you!"
An hour later, the dog pads back into the JobCentre. The assistant gushes
"Great news! You've got an interview tommorow at Billy Smarts Circus!"
The dog looks puzzled.
"What does a circus want with a bricklayer?"
--------------------------
From: "Shirley D. Kennedy (813) 446-2858" [KENNEDS@MAIL.FIRN.EDU]
Enjoyed the jokes about the inept bank robbers... Had a silly incident in
that vein happen right in front of me numerous years ago. I edited an
employee publication for one of the telephone companies, and worked in the
downtown headquarters building. On the bottom floor, was a "public
office," where folks could come in to arrange for service, pay bills, etc.
I was headed out of the building to grab a hotdog and soda from the vendor
on the corner, when two guys wearing ski masks ran into the public office
and started demanding money from the payment tellers. One carried a
sawed-off shotgun. My heroic gesture was to cower in the lobby's public
phone booth.
At any rate, these guys took the loot and headed back out the front door.
By this time, of course, the alarm had gone off. Police cruisers began
arriving out front.
The robbers were arrested two blocks away...at a bus stop, where they were
patiently waiting for a bus, ski masks tucked in jacket pockets, money
stuffed into backpacks.
--------------------------
From: LRICHARDS@EWU.EDU
Little Sally comes home from Sunday school and her mother asks her what she
learned.
"The teacher told us the story of Moses leading his people out of Egypt", Sally
said.
Her mother asked Sally to tell her the story.
"Well", said Sally, "Moses led his people away from Egypt and the Pharaoh
starting chasing them. When they got to this big lake, Moses called up his
engineers and they built this pontoon bridge over the lake and Moses and his
people started across. When they got to the other side, they waited until
Pharaoh's army was on the bridge and then Moses called in his helicopters and
artillery and they bombed the bridge and blew up the Pharaoh's army and they
all drowned and Moses and his people got away."
Sally's mother was horrified. "That can't be the way your teacher told the
story!"
"Well, no" said Sally, "but you would never believe it the way she told it."
--------------------------
From: "Amy L. Ward" [cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU]
Top Ten Signs the Guy Mugging You Has Never Mugged Before
10. After taking money, asks if you want receipt
9. In addition to wearing a ski mask, he's got skis and poles
8. Asks you to hold his gun while he puts on some chapstick
7. When he's done, he says "That was fun! Now you mug me!"
6. You're a policeman in full uniform, standing right in front of the station
house, surrounded by fellow officers carrying assault rifles
5. When you yell "Stop thief", he does
4. During police line-up, he waves to you and shouts "Remember me?"
3. Tells you he wouldn't be doing this if "Love Boat" hadn't been cancelled
(A man is laughing excessively and the camera cuts to the audience. The
laughing man is Gavin MacLeod, Captain Stubing of the Love Boat, making
his fourth appearance in a row)
2. He keeps saying, "You understand I'm doing this for the baby and Marla"
1. Accepts IOU's
--------------------------
From: David Pace [DWPACE00@UKCC.UKY.EDU]
Seen on a bumper sticker:
Clinton . . .
A good reason why stupid people
shouldn't be allowed to vote!
--------------------------
From: "Musat, Bob" [bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU]
the poem by Ogden Nash about the centipede trying to figure out how to run,
reminded me of a way to drive your opponents absolutely nuts on bowling
night! as any of them are getting up to bowl, non-chalantly, but
interestedly, ask, "do you inhale or exhale during your approach?"
the results just might win you a game or two! :)
--------------------------
From: "Dawn M. Shotts" [dawns@ALPHA.ACAST.NOVA.EDU]
I saw a bumper sticker on my way home from work last night that I
could relate to:
HELP!!
I am having an out-of-money experience
--------------------------
From: Rick Dahm [dahm@CVAX.IPFW.INDIANA.EDU]
One of dowtown Chicago's best known landmarks is the Chicago Institute of
Art. A sort of conventional Greek revival in its architecture, it is
distinguished by a magnificent marble staircase, flanked on either side
by a huge bronze lion. Now, the Institute not only boasts one of the nation's
finest art museums, but also one of the largest and most prestigious art
academies. It is common, in good weather, to see students sitting on the
museum steps doing their assignments or reading. Often, they're joined
by philosophy students from the neighboring university and they discuss
the deeper, hidden meanings of art in its many forms. Thus, it is common to
visit the museum at any time and see the students reading between the lions.
--------------------------
From: Roger Drake [FAC_DRAKE@WSC.COLORADO.EDU]
It is taught in Social Psychology classes that the way to be most
attractive is to combine a) giving the impression that you are attractive
to others b) saying that you are selective and choosy and c) choosing
the person who is asking you out.
Once I met a beautiful woman at a party (using the most effective
pick-up line ever: "Hi"). When I called her the next week, she said "Lots
of guys call me up. But I won't go out with most of them. But I'll go out
with you." Now that really caught my attention. We're still married.
--------------------------
From: Lee Rhodes [SCP23014@NOVELL1.RTC-CARLOW.IE]
This one has to be said with a real Irish bend in the accent.
These two itinerants were sitting on O'Connel Bridge over the Liffey
in Dublin whilst eating sandwiches.
One of them suddenly starts screaming. This man walks over to him and
tries to calm him down.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"Me mate's fallen in de river" says the itinerant.
The man then jumps into the river and starts to look for the
itinerants friend but to no avail. He climbs back up onto the bridge.
"I'm sorry, I can't find your friend anywhere" he says.
"What d'ya mean? Sure t'was the mate outta me sandwich!" was the
reply.
--------------------------
From: Michael Greene [mikgreene@AOL.COM]
I don't know if this is true but there was a story about a Caltech undergrad
who returned to his dorm room late one Friday evening. Given
that the following day was a Saturday, he elected to park in the
administration parking lot next to his dorm. Come Saturday morning,
BANG BANG on his door at 8 am. It's a secretary who wants him to
move his car from ]her] parking spot. So he drags himself down to
the parking lot to discover that his car is the only car in an otherwise
empty lot.
He doesn't get mad.
Later that morning, he gathers a group of buddies and they rent an
oiler and re-oil the parking lot. They then repaint the parking spots
expanding each spot by a little bit. By the time they get to her slot,
there's no space left.
Come early Monday morning a mistified grounds crew and secretary are
standing around trying to figure out where the missing parking spot is.
--------------------------
From: Ellen Daleng [ed@FELLINI.NOCRC.ABB.NO]
Subj: STILL more harmless quotes...
The Law of Initiative: Initiative belongs to the one who takes it.
The shortest path between two points goes across the lawn.
--------------------------
From: Mazin Dabbagh [STUA472@SAUPM00.BITNET]
* Doing business without advertising is like winkink at a girl in the dark.
You know what you are doing, but nobody els does.!!
* Think like a man of action and act like a man of thought.
--------------------------
From: Michael Greene [mikgreene@AOL.COM]
John Vogel's insults reminded me of these two from Groucho Marx's
correspondence.
"The town was so boring the tide went out and never came back"
"Is your IQ still as low as it was when I first met you?"
--------------------------
From: JOHN VOGEL [JVOGEL@NHQVAX.HQ.NASA.GOV]
When I was teaching, I often tried to get the kids to step back and look at
what they wre doing. One young man was arguing that he didn't need to know
'this'. I asked him, "Is this as smart as you're going to get."
When he answered, "Yes," I was nearly ready to concede the point.
-----
One of our teachers separated two young men from fighting (these two were 7th
graders). They continued to lunge at each other, so the teacher told them to
do it right, Take off those coats, put your book bags down, give me your pens,
He even got them to take off their shirts. So the two boys are standing there
in t-shirts in January when he takes each by the arm and puts them out a side door with instructions for the winner to knock to get back in.
For a specially nice touch a very light snow was falling. The two looked at
each other and each began knocking to get back in, never making so much as
a fist.
--------------------------
From: Jan Kucera [kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CZ]
This urban legend is said to happen to the "King of Shoemakers" Tomas Bata.
(He was as important to Czech industry as Henry Ford I to the American one.)
Bata was driving through the country and suddenly he realized that something
was wrong with his car. Fearing that he might get stuck in the road he
stopped at a village and asked for help. The villains directed him to the
local blacksmith.
The blacksmith inspected the engine, did something and the car was OK. Then
he asked for 100 crowns. Bata was a bit discontent with paying so much money
for a minute's work, so he asked for a detailed bill.
The blacksmith took a pencil and a scrap of paper and wrote:
fastened a screw: 2.00
knew which one: 98.00
------
total: 100.00
--------------------------
From: Mike Shockley [MSHOCKLE@DREW.BITNET]
I work in the office at a local supermarket and frequently
people will tell us that a car has left the lights on. We get a
description and license plate number and announce the unfortunate
incident over the loudspeaker.
Well, last night, as I was walking across the front end by the
registers, I hear someone ask, "Is that your dog?". What! A dog in
the store!! I turn around and sure enough, this beautiful and LARGE
Irish Setter is frolicing and running around and through the
registers. I immediately apprehend the culprit and place him in the
lobby. Upon my return to the store, I made the following
announcement:
"Attention shoppers. The owner of a red Irish Setter, license
plate B-O-W.W-O-W, your dog is loose. Please come and secure this
animal. Thank you!!"
It recieved quite a bit of laughter, not to mention a quick
from the owner!!
--------------------------
From: Robert.D.Reynolds@ASU.BITNET
There was once a couple in their seventies who, nevertheless, had a
baby. Of course the newspaper sent out a reporter to take and picture and
write a story about this unusual event, but when he arrived the couple told
him that he would have to wait until the baby woke up before taking the
picture.
Meanwhile the local radio station sent out a crew to get a story of
the baby and his elderly parents. They, too, were told that they would have
to wait until the baby woke up before they could see the baby.
The news of this miraculuous event had, meanwhile, spread far and
wide, and CNN news sent a crew to get a story and take pictures of the baby
and his parents. This crew, also, was told that they would have to wait for
the baby to wake up before they could take pictures.
Then one of the group asked why they would have to wait; surely
they could see and take pictures of the baby even if he were asleed. Well,
the parents said, you will have to wait until the baby wakes up and cries,
because we have forgotten where we put him.
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