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Date: Tue, 9 Aug 1994 08:28:56 -0700
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199408091528.IAA03001@netcom5.netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life B.H
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 13 Dec 93 15:12:32 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life B.H
The following are from random places
----------------------------------------------------
The following is from a mailing list called Funnies,
which has since expired.
--------------------------
From: HERMES_EM@mcchord-lognet.af.mil
What did the hat say to the hat-rack?
"You stay here, I'll go on a-head."
--------------------------
From: CRF_WINKELA@CRF.CUIS.EDU
What do you call 593,457,234,516,345,794,502,846,201 giraffes?
A GIRAFFIC JAM!
--------------------------
From: nandu@cs.clemson (Nandakumar Sankaran)
!From: srisu@ecn.purdue.edu (Srisu)
A former Australian Prime Minister, Robert Menzies, was addressing an
election rally some years ago.
Menzies: ....I'll tell you a few things I know...
Heckler: Tell 'em everything ya know Bob....it won't take very long!
Menzies: I'll tell them everything we both know my friend, and it
won't take any longer.
--------------------------
From: 2CHRISTIANJD@citadel (Chris)
A Geneticist crossed a fox and a mink, creating a fink.
When the price of duck feathers increased, it
proved that even down is up.
In 1899, the first all white Dalmation dog was spotted.
----------------------------------------------------
From: breuer@pib1.physik.uni-bonn (Adelheid Breuer)
--------------------------
The following is a joke someone told me in German a few years ago.
I was told that Lacoste which is an expensive
T-Shirt brand is international. They have these little
crocodiles on the chest to recognize the brand.
-------
Two German tourists are traveling in Egypt on the
river Nil in their boats.
Suddenly a crocodile comes swimming along.
The one tourist says to the other one:
"Did you know that they had lifeboats from lacoste?"
--------------------------
The next one comes from: "Revue de la presse" (Dec. 1993, a newspaper
which is composed of many French articles from different French
newspapers.)
This fits into the time of the year so I'll try to translate it.
-------
Francois Caviglioli, journaliste of the magazine "Nouvel Observateur"
disguised himself as Santa Claus for an entire day. Accompanied by
a photographer he took a stroll through the world of Paris little
ones, the small children, in order to find out whether the myth
of Santa Claus still works. He found out that the kids of nowadays
have changed. Santa Claus? They dont care about him. It
would have been a lot better to dress up as a dinosaur.
----------------------------------------------------
From: Bart Schorsch [schorsch@plains.nodak.edu]
]From a friend at a certain Irish school in S. Bend, Indiana, while she
corrects undergrad exams.
Two gems from student exams I've been correcting: When asked what the prize
was for telling the best story in the _Canterbury Tales_, one student responds,
"A Caribbean cruise for two and a brand-spankin' new Dodge Caravan!" Another
student, trying to remember the line from Shakespeare's _Twelfth Night_ where
the king says, "If music be the food of love, play on," came up with, "If the
food of music is love, eat on." Don't ya think that's what Wild Bill really
meant to write?
----------------------------------------------------
]From sig file: Elliot Smorodinsky smorod15@newton.poly.edu
"The only acceptable substitute for brains is silence" -- Solomon Short.
----------------------------------------------------
From: John Swift [SWIFTY@MEDISENSE.COM]
Actually, it goes back to Lao Tzue who said "It is a wise man that
contends against noone, so that no one may contest against him, yield
and you will prevail!"
----------------------------------------------------
From: eric@parcplace.com (Eric Ching)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
From: sasbmt@jjoyce.unx.sas.com (Bruce Tindall)
Subj: Re: What happened to Morris the Cat? (was Re: Mikey)
My father got upstaged by Morris the N'th on a WAGA-TV interview show
in Atlanta in 1973. They were both guests on the program but somebody
had forgotten to brief Morris not to walk on the desk in front of the
camera during the other interviews. To this day, my father refuses to
eat Nine Lives cat food because of this incident.
----------------------------------------------------
From: Kevin W. McAuley [studly@cs.umb.edu]
* when sheep try and get to sleep do they count people?
* just found out, my innerchild is up for adoption.
----------------------------------------------------
From: Vincent.Cate@furmint.nectar.cs.cmu
"Invent a witty saying, and your name will live forever"
- anonymous
----------------------------------------------------
From: Darryl Hahn:OSBU North
If you love something, set it free. If it returns, you haven't lost it. If it disappears and never comes back, then it wasn't truly yours to begin with. And if it just sits there watching television, unaware that it's been set free, then you probably married it.
-----------------
Due to the current financial situation, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off until further notice.
----------------------------------------------------
From: David C. Ward:OSBU North
There are a list of things that I really don't understand about this company. Yesterday, they added a new one to my list when they installed a large 8ft by 4ft sign box in one of our break rooms.
The sign itself, printed on a large sheet of plastic, consists of translucent color graphics and text instructing all who see it to conserve electricity and shows the various types and percentages of pollution that is caused by electrical generation plants.
The sign is Lighted.
----------------------------------------------------
The following is stuff Mark Williams forwarded to me
--------------------------
[Taken from job newsgroup by moriarty@allegra.UUCP (Jeff Meyer)]
Join the dynamic team here at SoulWaste. We want people who
believe in the hi-tech religion and who are willing to work 60 hour
weeks under florescent lights in grey buildings with windows that
don't open. After all, the earth will stop rotating on its axis
if our product doesn't get out the door before the competition.
You must be a mindless zealot who's idea of a good time is
playing MacIntosh computer games on nights and weekends and who's
conversations with other people sound like a Wang commercial.
You must believe in the Yuppie vision of the world as shown in
Wang, H-P, and AT&T commercials where people are shown thinking
about their job while swimming or walking their dog and where
everybody is inadequate if they haven't purchased the latest
wiz-bang box or felt anxious guilt if their office system isn't
networked to everything more hi-tech than a Smith-Corona typewriter.
Yes, we don't just want your hours at SoulWaste -- we want
your soul!!
Qualifications: Must be willing to sacrifice any semblance of
real life for carrots held at the end of sticks
i.e. BIG BUCKS.
Must have huge repertoire of computer buzzwords
in vocabulary.
Must feel the same degree of mania as company
management when products are late getting out
the door.
Must have no social life -- 'cause we're gonna
fatigue you so much you ain't gonna have one
anyway.
Oh, yeah, must know the C programming language.
Direct inquiries to this dynamic and growing conspiracy, I mean, er,
company to:
Simon LeGree
SoulWaste Corporation
Telephone: 1-800-FAUSTUS
--------------------------
From: root@cit5.oz (Admin)
Newsgroups: aus.jokes
The following is true and does exist.......
(all spelling is written as it appears on the original card)
]From a guarantee card for a Hong Kong air compressor:
--------
This is an excellent equipment with very few noises and excessive
reliability. Though unfragile, it is also robust, and should not
be belted.
Circuit arrangements ensure environments and input current is
best at both temperatures, including snow and hot.
Very heavy fuses are supplied in plenty.
Stability is too good on full battery and this should be lowered,
but the input may be reduced to danger level if desired.
The negative will be and the positive will not if supply polarity
is incorrect, also, a humming noise will be introduced together
with smoke.
When setting up, the best angle has no smoke and slight smell.
For accessability without vandalism use the many entrances but
switch them all off afterwards and before.
When aligning, twiddle for strong current and prevent sparks.
The motor should be good for ever, but pregnant wear-out may
occur after a few summers if heat is applied.
DO NOT DOUBT THE GUARENTEE, IT IS BACKED BY MANY YEARS IN HONG
KONG WITHOUT ODOR, PATIENCE OR THREAT.
----------------------------------------------------
From: mark t. phillips:henr801c
True story for you to add to outgoing life postings:
===========
An elderly couple went to Las Vegas for vacation and booked a hotel room
over a casino. One night, the husband was tired of gambling, and went
upstairs to their room, leaving the wife in the casino to play "just one
more game." She won BIG. Lights flashed, bells rang, and the casino
awarded her $5000. The casino manager cautioned her about carrying such
a large sum of money, as there are muggers and thieves just waiting for the
oportunity to strike. "Don't flash it around, and don't talk to stangers",
he said.
She was so pleased and excited she could hardly wait to rush upstairs and
show her husband her winnings. She ran for the elevator, but when the
doors opened, she was surprised to see 3 black men in the elevator. Not
to look intimidated she got on the elevator, turned her back to the men,
and the doors closed.
One of the men said, "Hit the floor, lady!"
She fell to the floor, on her stomach, out stretched her arms, and cried
"Don't hurt me, you can have the money!"
The 3 men burst out in laughter! They calmed the lady and told her that
they meant "press the floor button" on the elevator. She was so relieved!
She explained of the warning she got from the casino manager and how she
was from a small town in the midwest where she had watched alot of cops shows
on TV.
At her floor, she went to her room, told her husband all that had happened,
and thought the incident closed.
Hours later, there was a knock at their hotel room door. Upon answering it,
she was surprised to find a delivery boy with a dozen red roses. Wrapped
around the stem of each rose was a $100 bill. (that's $1200!)
The card read, "Thanks for the best laugh I've had in a long time.
Signed
Eddy Murphy."
----------------------------------------------------
From: Dana C. Gleason:OSBU North
here is a collection of 'women engineer' jokes you may be interested in for your jokes column. these came from various women on another dl i'm on.
-----------
Real engineers wear jewelry made from discarded motherboards.
Contrary to popular belief, real engineers do put on nail polish;
they just never remove it.
Real engineers not only nurse and program at the same time, but they lull
their babies to sleep by the clacking of the keyboard.
Real engineers buy their husbands matching screwdrivers for Christmas,
but use them more than he does.
Real engineers get narcotics during labor, not for the pain, but to
stop them from taking the fetal distress monitor apart.
Real engineers don't shave their legs above the hemline, in the interest
of efficiency.
Also in the interest of efficiency, real engineers buy convertibles
so they can blow-dry their hair on the way to work in the morning.
Real engineers carry 2 cans of soup, a yogurt (and a spoon), a box
of Tricuits and a package of light Hostess Cupcakes in their purses at all
times, in case they pull an all nighter.
Real engineers only buy purses big enough to fit their laptops in.
Real engineers only wear slipon shoes (with or without heels) so
she can take them off to sit cross legged in her chair while programming.
Real engineers keep getting thrown out of Vicotia's Secrest because
they insist on knowing the exact tensile strength of their bras
before buying them.
Real Engineers carry a set of matched screwdrivers in their purses.
Real Engineers figure out how to nurse and fix the toaster at the same time.
Real Engineers figure out algorithms to minimize thread usage when
doing counted cross stitch.
Real engineers keep their key chains and pen pocket protectors on even
during labor.
Real Engineers look on having a baby as an opportunity to brush up on
biomedical and structural engineering in preparation for taking the PE exam.
Real engineers examine the inner workings of the fetal monitor between
contractions.
Real engineers never spell in front of the kids; they'd like
to, but they can't!
----------------------------------------------------
From: "Travers Naran" [Travers_Naran@spectrumsignal.bc.ca]
Found this one in the MINI-JIR [Mini Journal of Irreproducable Results]:
1993-01-05 NAFTA Update
Until very recently, the North American Free Trade Agreement
(NAFTA) was the subject of fierce debate among economists.
The remarkable sudden arrival at concensus within the
profession was due largely to a concept articulated by Paul
Krugman. Krugman delivered his remarks on October 7 at the
Ig Noble Prize Ceremony, in the form of a Heisenberg
Certainty Lecture.
Heisenberg Certainty Lecture #4.
Paul Krugman, Professor of Economics, MIT.
"The MIT Economics Department has now solved the riddle of
world economic crisis. It turns out that if you add up last
year's reported imports and exports for all of the countries
in the world, world imports exceeded world exports by more
than one hundred billion dollars. You know what that means.
It means that we are running a huge global deficit in our
interplanetary trade. So Ross Perot has it wrong. That great
sucking sound isn't coming from Mexico -- it's coming from
outer space. Space aliens are stealing American jobs."
----------------------------------------------------
From: "Wendy Swartz" [wjs@cs.arizona.edu]
From: 'FRIENDLY EXCHANGE' Winter 1993 issue, published by Farmers Insurance Company
Ubangi-Ufixee
-Florence Goodrich
Protland, Ore.
Life doesn't begin at 40 for those who went like 60 at 20.
-Mrs. Lucille Smith
Longview, Texas
I've been on a diet for two weeks, and all I've lost is 14 days.
-Millicent J. Sims
Columbus, Ohio
Teach your kids the value of money - borrow from them.
-Joyce Bowlby
Scottsdale, Ariz.
Early to bed and early to rise, 'til I make enough to do otherwise.
-Sandra Sturgeon
Phelan, Calif.
Work harder. Millions on welfare depend on you.
-Jannell Smedley
Poteau, Okla.
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