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From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199408161355.GAA02850@netcom15.netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life B.J
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 21 Dec 93 15:41:06 PST (Tuesday)
Subject: Life B.J
The following are from the newsgroup rec.humor.funny
----------------------------------------------------
From: lawson@lintilla.llnl.gov (Bill Lawson)
This is my grandmother's favorite joke, as evidenced by the two minutes
it took her to stop laughing long enough to deliver the punch line. She got
it from her mother, Nellie Creed Hyde.
Two english ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London
street corner near an irish lady.
"We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year", said one.
"Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there!
It would be awful."
"Dear me!", said the first lady. "Well where are you going?"
"Salisbury", she replied.
"But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish!", the first objected.
At this point the irish lady could no longer hold her tongue.
"Why don't ye go t' hell", she suggested. "There be no Irish there!"
--------------------------
From: baford@peruvian.cs.utah.edu (bryan ford)
We all know the old saying...
I speak Spanish to God, Italian to women,
French to men, and German to my horse.
- Charles V of France
It's time it was updated for modern times...
...and Japanese to my boss.
--------------------------
From: mjl@cs.rit.edu (Michael J Lutz)
One day our 5-year old daughter was in her wading pool with a friend,
who asked her what kind of pool it was. Our daughter's reply:
It's a waiting pool -- we're waiting until we can buy a big one.
--------------------------
From: adam@irvine.com (Adam Beneschan)
They caught Bill Clinton lying on his tax return!
He checked the "Head of Household" box.
--------------------------
From: dbd@theory.bchs.uh.edu (Dan Davison)
About 38 miles east of Shreveport on I-20 there is a sign for
Goodwill Road
Ammunition Plant
Makes you wonder what they would put on a road dedicated to *really*
bad will...
--------------------------
From: sailer@e3101u01.atl.hp.com (Lee Sailer)
This just happened right here in my very own office:
A co-worker just hollered over the cubicle wall, "Hey. How do you
spell 'approximately'?"
Another co-worker replied, "A-L-M-O-S-T".
--------------------------
From: willis@cs.tamu.edu (Willis Marti)
The college faculty were in their annual meeting when, suddenly, an angel
appears. Turning to the Dean, the creature said, "I will grant you one
of three boons -- infinite wisdom, infinite wealth or infinite health."
The Dean thought for a minute, then replied "Wisdom."
"So be it." and the angel disappeared.
In the silence that followed, the Dean sat thoughtfully, saying nothing and
staring off into the distance. Finally, one of the other faculty members
exclaimed, "Do you have anything to say? What words of wisdom can you
provide us?".
Quoth the Dean, "I should have taken the money."
--------------------------
From: derry@u.washington.edu (Derry Lyons)
I heard this from a friend who heard it from Paul Harvey:
A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is
asking him questions.
"You witnessed the robbery, sir?"
"Yes"
"What was stolen?"
"Two televisions"
"Did you see the thiefs?"
"Yes"
"Could you identify them?"
"Yes"
"Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"
At this point, the two defendants raised their hands. What's a defense
attorney to do? :)
--------------------------
From: bolhuijo@calvin.edu (John Bolhuis)
(A coworker says that his friend saw this happen. I don't care if
it's an urban legend or not, it cracked me up.)
An obviously upset golfer drove his cart over to the edge of a small
river winding through the course. He stomped out of the cart, grabbed
his entire golf bag, and heaved it into the middle of the river. He
then headed toward the parking lot, apparently never to golf again.
The friend watched the man walk out into the parking lot, stop, turn
around, and walk all the way back to the river. He was sure that the
man had cooled off and was going back to get his clubs.
Sure enough, the angry man waded into the river up to his waist and
picked up his golf bag. He then unzipped the pocket, grabbed his car
keys, threw the bag back down, and left.
--------------------------
From: jtk@s1.gov (Jordin Kare)
Seen on a button at ConFrancisco (World Science Fiction Convention) last
weekend:
My Satellite went to MARS
and all I got was this Lousy Button
--------------------------
From: daugher@cs.tamu.edu (Walter Daugherity)
Oliver North, in a speech September 22, 1993, said:
"The average term length of a member of congress is approaching 15 years, and
the average term length of a convicted criminal is less than three. We've got
that backward."
--------------------------
From: maccs!muffy!dan@looking.clarinet.com (Dan McCrackin)
(this is original, and (apparently) true)
My family and I were having dinner at a local mall, and I decided to
have ice cream for dessert. At the Laura Secord's I noticed that the
name of my favorite ice cream -- the one with the rich, deep red
cherries -- had been changed from Burgundy Cherry to Bordeaux Cherry.
On commenting on this to the cashier, she told me that it was
originally called "black cherry," but the store used to get a number
of nasty comments about racism, and changed the name to "Burgundy
Cherry." They _STILL_ were getting complaints at this, so they
changed it again the "Bordeaux," which hopefully had absolutely no
connotations to anyone.
Jeepers. Next time I'll order "cherry ice cream of colour."
--------------------------
From: nweaver@soda.berkeley.edu (Nicholas C. Weaver)
(Overheard in the Computer Science Undergraduate Association office)
Everyone on the net by now knows that mail to the President can be
sent to president@whitehouse.gov, and that mail to the Vice President
should be addressed to vice-president@whitehouse.gov. However, most people
don't realize that mail to Hillary Clinton should be adressed to
root@whitehouse.gov.
--------------------------
From: eje@irenaeus.lkg.dec.com (Eric James Ewanco)
Subj: Government TV appeal to people, then TV goes dead
"MOSCOW (UPI) -- Just before armed protesters knocked Russia's state
broadcasting center off the air Sunday, the government of President Boris
Yeltsin issued a televised appeal . . . declaring that force was necessary to
restore disorder."
^^^^^^^^
--------------------------
From: FISHERN3485@cobra.uni.edu
Heard this one from a friend yesterday...
Q: what is the difference between Joe Montana and a dollar bill?
A: you can get four quarters from a dollar bill
--------------------------
From: peters@udel.edu (Shirley)
Seen in the program notes at one of Ross Perot's 'town meetings:'
Ross Perot's book, Not For Sale At Any Price, is available in the
lobby for $5.95.
--------------------------
From: john@n7kbt.rain.com (John Opalko)
]From the McMinnville, Oregon, "News-Register", June 5, 1993:
"The Oregon Department of Environmental Quality expressed concern that
Yamhill County Public Works employees may eat contaminated dirt.
. . .
"[Public Works Director Bill] Gille will inform the DEQ that employees
have been put on notice that the contaminated dirt is not edible."
--------------------------
From: daugher@cs.tamu.edu (Walter Daugherity)
I saw a new bumper sticker recently:
All of us in this car are not tourists.
I was puzzled until I saw the Florida license plate.
--------------------------
From: Edwin_Hoogerbeets@go.com
Heard over the cube walls at work:
[sound of phone hanging up in a neighbouring cube]
friend 1: That's annoying.
me: What?
friend 1: The reason I'm so tired today is that I stayed up really
late last night cleaning my apartment so that when my dad
comes over, he'll think that it's always clean. But he just
called and said that he's not coming until tomorrow. I could
have slept last night and cleaned today.
me: Bummer.
]From over the walls:
Friend 2: Hey, tell you what. My Mom's in town. Do you want me to send
her over? I mean, why waste it?
--------------------------
From: tim@iss.nus.sg (Tim Poston)
Over the years, in roaming around the world,
I have worked out that although my bank balance
is not large, it is extremely heavy.
Whenever I move my funds into a different currency,
that currency sinks.
--------------------------
From: mas@peterpan.jpl.nasa.gov (Marc A. Sarrel)
Heard this one on "Morning Edition" on NPR this today (11 June 93).
There are no (really and truly zero) clocks in the new Pittsburgh
airport. When asked why this was so, the aviation manager said that
they decided not to install clocks because they might be sued if
someone missed a flight because the clocks showed the wrong time...
--------------------------
From: judi@wam.umd.edu (Judi)
The University of Maryland recently installed an upgraded version of the
Unix newsreader, which includes a spell checker. Testing it out, I was
amused to see this message as part of its output:
---- mispelled words ----
--------------------------
From: cfred@char.vnet.net (Dustin Emhart)
When the National Hockey League officials decided to strike earlier
this week, the league was ready. "We've had a contingency plan since
the start of this season in case this happened," said a representative
of the league office. "In order to assure that the games go off without
a hitch, we had a list of replacement officials already selected. When
the strike was called, we overnight-mailed them their game assignments
and tickets to their game sites on American Airlines."
(Original. For the benefit of international readers, American Airlines flight
attendants went on strike during the week also.)
--------------------------
From: 71306.1070@compuserve.com (Jeff Wolfe)
I was watching McNeil-Lehrer a couple of nights ago, and they were interviewing
several members of Congress about NAFTA. One of them said there was a great
deal of misconception in the public about the effects of NAFTA. To demonstrate
his point, he related a conversation with one of his constituents that went
something like this:
Anti-NAFTA Constituent: I'm against NAFTA!!
CongressCritter: Oh, why is that?
ANC: Because if NAFTA passes, they're going to export my job to Mexico.
CC: And who do you work for?
ANC: the city of Chicago.
--------------------------
From: kendall@owlnet.rice.edu (Kendall Helmstetter Gelner)
A friend and I were discussing the recent Larry King special and the
weird obsession the country seems to have over where they were during
the Kennedy assassination.
Finally, it hit me - if Oswald wasn't the killer, then everyone else
needs an alibi!!
--------------------------
From: zik@enoch.cl.msu.edu (Ed Symanzik)
NASA has found that the repairs made to the Hubble Space
Telescope were not as successful as they first thought.
Someone forgot to remove the lens cap.
--------------------------
From: priceje@cs.aston.ac.uk (priceje)
Whilst working on a placement year for a well known motor company, the
following call was received by the computer systems helpdesk, who's job
it is to assist users with computer problems.
For those of you unfamiliar with Wang equipment, there is a large 'help'
key on the keyboard, used to bring up information screens.
We received a call from a rather angry secretary to a vice-president
on the sixth floor who said...
"I've been pressing my help key for two hours now and nobody's arrived
here yet..."
--------------------------
From: WEHR@etcv01.eld.ford.com (Bruce x85530)
Heard from a co-worker:
I understand Lee Iacocca has been consulted on the development of Bill
Clinton's new Presidential limousine: the Dodge Drafter.
--------------------------
From: robert@cogsci.ed.ac.uk (Robert Inder)
[Even though this wasn't sent to the topical queue, it's still
apropos. Folks, remember that current stuff goes to topical@clarinet.com]
In an article entitled "Holy grail or wholly fail", the Guardian previews
the planned launch of "the Walkman of computers", the Apple/Sharp Newton.
Discussing the functioning of the various icons, including one labelled
"Assist", Sid Smith (!) tells us....
"Assist is described as the intelligence module, being set up to
guesstimate your intentions. Write "Fax Bill" in the Assist input box, for
instance, and the Newton will present you with a blank sheet to write on,
and stand by witha standard cover note and Bob's fax number."
--------------------------
From: ernest@pundit.cithep.caltech.edu (Ernest Prabhakar)
]]Attribution: ME (original, with a little help from my friends)
In order for UNIX(tm) to survive into the nineties, it must get rid of
its intimidating commands and outmoded jargon, and become compatible
with the existing standards of our day. To this end, our technicians
have come up with a new version of UNIX, System VI, for use by the PC -
that is, the "Politically Correct."
Politically Correct UNIX
System VI Release notes
UTILITIES:
"man" pages are now called "person" pages.
Similarly, "hangman" is now the
"person_executed_by_an_oppressive_regime."
To avoid casting aspersions on our feline friends, the "cat" command is
now merely "domestic_quadruped."
To date, there has only been a UNIX command for "yes" - reflecting the
male belief that women always mean yes, even when they say no. To
address this imbalance, System VI adds a "no" command, along with a
"-f[orce]" option which will crash the entire system if the "no" is
ignored.
The bias of the "mail" command is obvious, and it has been replaced by
the more neutral "gendre" command.
The "touch" command has been removed from the standard distribution due
to its inappropriate use by high-level managers.
"compress" has been replaced by the lightweight "feather" command.
Thus, old information (such as that from Dead White European Males)
should be archived via "tar" and "feather".
The "more" command reflects the materialistic philosophy of the Reagan
era. System VI uses the environmentally preferable "less" command.
The biodegradable "KleeNeX" displaces the environmentally unfriendly
"LaTeX".
SHELL COMMANDS:
To avoid unpleasant, medieval connotations, the "kill" command has been
renamed "euthanise."
The "nice" command was historically used by privileged users to give
themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling them to be
"nice". In System VI, the "sue" command is used by unprivileged users
to get for themselves the rights enjoyed by privileged ones.
"history" has been completely rewritten, and is now called "herstory."
"quota" can now specify minimum as well as maximum usage, and will be
strictly enforced.
The "abort()" function is now called "choice()."
TERMINOLOGY:
]From now on, "rich text" will be more accurately referred to as
"exploitive capitalist text".
The term "daemons" is a Judeo-Christian pejorative. Such processes
will now be known as "spiritual guides."
There will no longer be a invidious distinction between "dumb" and
"smart" terminals. All terminals are equally valuable.
Traditionally, "normal video" (as opposed to "reverse video") was white
on black. This implicitly condoned European colonialism, particularly
with respect to people of African descent. UNIX System VI now uses
"regressive video" to refer to white on black, while "progressive
video" can be any color at all over a white background.
For far too long, power has been concentrated in the hands of "root"
and his "wheel" oligarchy. We have instituted a dictatorship of the
users. All system administration functions will be handled by the
People's Committee for Democratically Organizing the System (PC-DOS).
No longer will it be permissible for files and processes to be "owned"
by users. All files and processes will own themselves, and decided how
(or whether) to respond to requests from users.
The X Window System will henceforth be known as the NC-17 Window
System.
And finally, UNIX itself will be renamed "PC" - for Procreatively
Challenged.
----
UNIX(tm) is a trademark of UNIX System Laboratories. Any similarty of
names or attitudes to that of any person, living or dead, is purely
coincidental.
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