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From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199408301337.GAA09248@netcom9.netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life B.N
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: RO
---------------
Date: 5 Jan 94 17:21:00 PST (Wednesday)
Subject: Life B.N
The following is from dsc.cuties, run by:
lindsay@dscatl.atl.ga.us (Lindsay Cleveland)
----------------------------------------------------
Contributed by: rabbit!ark
This story was culled from an NTSB accident report, and
originally printed in AVIATION MONTHLY.
A pilot returned home after dark from a long trip.
Exhausted, he taxied the airplane into its parking space,
shut down the engine, and went to sleep in the airplane.
Several hours later, he awoke. Groggy and disoriented,
he looked around and discovered that he was in an airplane,
everything was dark, and it was very quiet. He panicked,
thinking he was still on his long trip and that the engine
had quit. He reacted by starting the engine and applying full power.
The airplane, which was not tied down, bolted across the
ramp and finally came to rest with its prop embedded
in another airplane.
I wonder how the pilot explained that one!
--------------------------
Contributed by: smu!leff
In a recent article about two psychologists studying and treating
procrastination, they said that they were the first to study it.
"Guess, no one had gotten around it before."
--------------------------
Contributed by: sortac!tom
"MORE REASONS WHY THINGS GO WRONG"
(from "Murphy's Law Book 2")
"SIX PRINCIPLES FOR PATIENTS"
1. Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean
he knows what it is.
2. The more boring and out-of-date the magazine in the waiting room,
the longer you will have to wait for your scheduled appointment.
3. Only adults have difficulty with child-proof caps.
4. You never have the right number of pills left on the last day of
a prescription.
5. The pills to be taken with meals will be the least appetizing ones.
6. If your condition seems to be getting better, it's probably because
your doctor is getting sick.
--------------------------
Contributed by: smu!leff
Weekend: 1) the part of the week in which we worry about everything
we didn't get done the previous Monday thru Friday.
Workweek: 1) the part of the week in which we complain about not
being able to enjoy the weekend because of everything we didn't
get done in the previous week.
2) the part of the week in which we complain about not being able
to take the next weekend off because of everything we aren't getting
done during the week.
--------------------------
Minnesota goalie Don Beaupre is only five-foot-eight and 155
pounds. A reporter once asked how a man his size could play in
the National Hockey League.
"I just have to stop the puck," said Beaupre, "not beat it up!"
-- Your Olds Observer
Vincent Price made a mint acting in horror movies. "The end,"
he said, "justifies the meanness."
-- Adam Di Petto
--------------------------
]From the Miscellaneous File:
One of the oldest human needs is having someone wonder where you
are when you don't come home at night.
-- Margaret Mead
Blessed are they who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to
their diets!
-- Troy Gordon
The shortest distance between two points depends on who is
giving directions.
-- Morris Bender
--------------------------
The eight ladies of the Every Wednesday Bridge Club are
seventy years old or more. One day they decided to celebrate
the birthday of the oldest member by taking her out to lunch.
When the waitress came to take the order, one of the women
said to her, "This is a very special occasion. It's Elsie's
ninety-second birthday."
The waitress made seven instant enemies -- and one fast
friend -- by asking, "Which one is Elsie?"
--------------------------
Contributed by: byuadam!jayboo (Jay Geertsen)
I got back recently from a plant trip to Texas Instruments in
Dallas, and while I was there I heard a local radio DJ make a
well-phrased statement about an upcoming Dallas Cowboy football
game.
As you probably are aware, the Dallas ("America's Team")
Cowboys are not exactly performing like they used to, and the
folks in Dallas are getting somewhat disillusioned about their
once-great team.
Anyway, the Cowboys were to play in the traditional NFL
Thanksgiving Day football game tomorrow. While I was in
Dallas, I was listening to the radio and the announcer made the
comment, "Don't forget to watch those Cowboys on T.V. Thursday.
After all, what goes together better on Thanksgiving than
turkeys and the Cowboys?"
--------------------------
On Saturday mornings, the parking lot at our shopping center is
heavily congested. Once I watched a woman maneuver her fully
loaded cart from the store to the curb. Taking a Walkie-Talkie
from her purse, she deftly extended the antenna.
"Okay, Henry," she said into the device, "I'm out of the store."
In no time her husband drove up, apparently from some distant spot
in the car parking lot, loaded the groceries, and off they went.
-- Albert Patenaude
--------------------------
Contributed by: gcoac!gcpsc
"Live always, my friend, as if there is world enough and time.
---executive Health Report
"If only God would give me a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in
my name at a Swiss bank."
Woody Allen
"Every adult needs a child to teach; it's the way adults learn."
Frank A. Clark
"The hours that make us happy make us wise."
John Masefield
--------------------------
Contributed by: gatech!arnold
Saw this one some time ago.
********************************************************
* The American Society For the Conservation of Gravity *
* Don't Waste GRAVITY! *
********************************************************
--------------------------
Contributed by: idi!kiessig (Rick Kiessig)
From Reason Magazine, June/July 1984 (reprinted without permission):
A gunman entered a Florida prison dormitory and robbed an
inmate serving an armed robbery sentence of a stereo, a
radio, a TV set, and $30 in cash. "The whole inmate
population is still in shock", said the superintendent of
the minimum-security Pompano Beach Community Correctional
Center. "If you're not safe from armed robbery in prison,
where are you safe?"
--------------------------
Contributed by: eosp1!robison (Tobias D. Robison)
A nano-century, is surprisingly, approximately pi seconds.
--------------------------
Contributed by: uiucdcsb!mcdaniel
Another story (probably false): a firm sent a sample to a lab to get
its density. The lab sent back an answer in grams per cubic
centimeter. The firm sent back a very stuffy letter saying that they
used the English system of measurement and would the lab send back
IMMEDIATELY the equivalent value. (As if the firm didn't have a
calculator).
The lab sent back its answer in stones per royal firkin.
(1 stone == 14 pounds, royal firkin == usu. 1/4 barrel, which varies
depending on the commodity . . .)
--------------------------
Contributed by: ut-ngp!lsmith
I've come across a little book titled "Political Jokes of Leningrad."
These are jokes told in Leningrad (now St. Petersburg), the hippest
of Soviet cities.
Here are some of the funnier short ones...
Who invented socialism, the workers or scientists?
Workers, of course. Scientists would have surely tried it out first
on hamsters.
--------------------------
Contributed by: ism780!jeff
The great detective was explaining how he had finished off Count Dracula.
"It was really quite simple, I had him change his citizenship."
"But there must have been more to it than that!" exclaimed his
companion and biographer.
"No, actually, not. I sent him a series of travel folders, some
books on the history of England, and the estate advertisements from the
Sunday Times. He quickly leased a large manor in the lake district and
moved his household. Then he turned in his Transynvanian passport and
became a subject of the Crown. He then set his alarm clock, ready to
rise when the sun set, to go off in search of fresh blood. But when he
awoke, it was still day. He thought he had miscalculated, reset his
alarm clock for 12 hours later, and dozed off again. When the clock went
off, it was still daylight. He was shocked. He started setting the
clock for shorter and shorter intervals, until finally in frustration,
ignoring the danger, he leapt out of his coffin, and took off in search
of me, realizing what had happened. Of course, once in the sunlight, his
demise was assured."
His companion was still puzzled. "Well, what happened. It can't be
so simple."
"Elementary my dear chap. Hadn't you heard that the sun never sets
on the British vampire?"
--------------------------
Contributed by: smu!leff
From Daniel R. Rehak, L. A. Lopez
Computer Aided Engineering Problems and Prospects
We keep talking about it.
We say we want it.
WE say we are going to do it.
But we never make any real progress.
Maybe it is hard.
Maybe we are afraid of it.
--------------------------
Contributed by: smu!leff
Don't think about why you are doing what you are doing.
You may stop doing it!
Student : I have all these tests coming up.
Professor : Good excuse to learn the material!
--------------------------
Quotes from "Country" Magazine (Dec 1993):
Nothing is more exhausting than searching for an easy way to make a living.
--
When you get something for a song, watch out for the accompaniment.
--
A bird does not sing because he has an answer. He sings because he has a song.
--
The future belongs to those who create it.
--
We all admire the wisdom of people who come to us for advice.
--------------------------
Contributed by: smu!leff
from Parade magazine
When you ask someone to send something to you airmail and it doesn't arrive
in a week, tell him you didn't mean dirigible service.
--------------------------
Advertisements are now so numerous that they are very negligently
perused, and it is there become necessary to gain attention by
magnificence of promises and by eloquence sometimes sublime and
sometimes pathetick.
-- Samual Johns, "The Idler" (1758)
--------------------------
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. If that doesn't
work, look for a better solution.
-- Kelvin Throop III
--------------------------
A strong conviction that something must ve done is the parent of many bad
measures.
-- Daniel Webster
--------------------------
Quotes from "Country" Magazine (Dec 1993):
He who has little and wants less is richer than he who has much and wants more.
--
The impersonal hand of government can never replace the helping hand of a
neighbor.
-- Herbert Hoover
--
No matter how bad the situation, you can lose your temper and make it worse.
--------------------------
Contributed by: mathompson@crocus.uwaterloo.ca
Apparently, in the London, Ontario daily newspaper, the city was
advertising job offers for firefighters (I heard this on a Hamilton
radio station). At the bottom, they had the usual disclaimer:
'The City of London is an equal oppurtunity employer. We also
provide all of our employees with a smoke-free work place.'
--------------------------
Contributed by: csg@pyramid.pyramid.com (Carl S. Gutekunst)
A true story, from someone who was there at the time, circa 1980.
It seems that our favorite telephone company had a terrible problem:
employees were pilfering office supplies for their children. In par-
ticular, three-hole loose-leaf binder paper. It was decreed by the
powers that be that this sort of waste was unacceptable, and a long-
forgotten bureaucrat was assigned the task of discouraging theft of
three-hole paper.
The bureaucrat's solution was simple: the company would now use *four*-
hole paper, with the holes drilled differently so as to be incompatible
with the typical school-child's binder. Four-hole loose-leaf paper was
ordered, along with proper four-ring binders; new manuals, documentation,
and other papers were likewise printed on four-hole paper, so all binders
and paper would be happy and consistent throughout the company.
The result was, naturally, that employees stole both the binders *and*
the paper.
Since the company was now suffering larger losses than before, it was
decreed that the they would return to traditional three-hole paper and
binders. But there was the problem of an existing large inventory of
four-ring binders. Hence, with truly Solomonic wisdom, it was further
decreed that all new paper would have *seven* holes, and would thus be
both upward and downward binder-compatible. And, to this day, 8.5 by
11 documents from our favorite telephone company still have 7 holes in
them.
--------------------------
Contributed by: dgil@ipsaint.ipsa.reuter.com (Gillett, David)
My two favourite anecdotes on this subject demonstrate the difference
between renewable and non-renewable resources. First the non-renewable:
The congregation of a small stone church (in England?) decided that the
stone which formed the step up to the front door had become two worn by its
years of use, and would have to be replaced. Unfortunately, there were hardly
any funds available for the replacement. Then someone cam up with the bright
idea that the replacement could be postponed for many years by simply turning
the block of stone over.
They discovered that their great-grandparents had beaten them to it.
Now the renewable:
An entomologist at New College, Oxford ("New" because its only a few
centuries old), discovered beetles infesting the oak beams supporting the roof
of the Great Hall. It was fairly urgent that these be replaced before the roof
collapsed -- but anyone who has looked at the price of oak lately can tell you
that this was not something the college budget was prepared for.
Since oak from a commercial supplier was out of the question, someone
suggested that the college Forester be sent for. His job was to administer the
various scattered tracts of land that had been deeded to the college when it
was founded. The trustees hoped he might know of suitable trees on college
land.
It turned out that there was indeed a suitable stand of mighty oaks. They
had been planted when the college was founded, and down the centuries each
Forester had told his successor: "You don't cut those oaks; those are for when
the beetles get into the beams in the Main Hall."
--------------------------
Contributed by: dave@fluke.UUCP (Dave Van Ess)
Humor ala Kernighan
I'm not sure if this was done before but I have collected of bunch of
humorous C declarations and statements. If you have any to add, please do so.
I would like to thank Kurt Guntheroth for his contributions to this list.
It will be forgotten.
Dave Van Ess
John Flkue Mfg Co
Everett WA
Humor ala Kernighan
char broiled;
char package;
short changed;
short sheet;
short circuit;
short story;
short stuff;
short break; /* compiler bombs on this */
unsigned original;
long underwear;
long johns;
long jump;
long overdue;
long walk; (short pier;)
long fellow;
double trouble;
double dribble;
double bubble_bubblegum;
douple dip;
douple serving;
auto mobile;
static electricity;
register to_vote;
union pacific_railroad;
unsigned short story;
switch ( engine; )
case worker:
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