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From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199409061734.KAA09512@netcom5.netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life B.P
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 7 Jan 94 13:40:56 PST (Friday)
Subject: Life B.P
The following is from a humor archive was set up by Nathan Mates,
nathan@cco.caltech.edu, from material collected from various newsgroups,
ftp sites and mailing lists.
Sumbissions can also be sent via email to nathan@cco.caltech.edu
-----------------------------------------
Some aeronautical jokes:
1. For an aero, a good night`s sleep is like a job:
it`s something we all dream of getting, but few of us ever will.
3. Being a rocket scientist is a great way to launch a career.
5. The only restriction on the length of the landing gear is
that it should hit the ground first.
6. Orbital mechanics is really just a lot of circular reasoning
and roundabout proofs.
8. The departments of the AAE school:
--Advanced paper airplane design (structures)
--Archery (Arrow dynamics)
--Snowball trajectory analysis (dynamics & controls)
--Rubber band launching (propulsion)
9. The following courses will be added starting Jan 1992 to improve our
chances of finding a job:
--The aerodynamics of hamburger flipping
--Heat transfer in french fries
--Begging made easy
17. The space shuttle theory: if you put enough thrust behind it,
anything will fly.
18. The boosters for the space shuttle produce 3 million pounds of thrust each
and can barely lift their own paperwork into orbit.
21. We love sharing a building with the I.E.s (Imaginary Engineers).
22. Sign posted:
"In case of emergency (I.E., fire, tornado, etc) ..."
23. Enjoy your hours of sleep each week. Both of them.
25. We don`t have our heads in the clouds --
most of us haven`t been that down to earth in a long time.
32. The orbital radius of the satellite should exceed the radius of the earth.
34. Too bad Physics 152 has nothing to do with reality.
It would be great to make our planes out of massless rods
covered by frictionless surfaces.
35. Mechanical engineer:
someone who wanted to be an aero but also wanted to be employed.
41. "We shall neglect this term in the equation simply because
we have no idea how to deal with it." -- aerodynamics prof
43. You never get grades for landings -- all landings are strictly pass/fail.
Any landing you can walk away from is a `pass`.
46. Aero engineer job search techniques:
Stand out on a street corner holding a sign reading:
"Will build spacecraft for food."
47. We enjoy our 340 homework to no end -- literally.
48. Save a tree -- drop AAE 340.
49. If it`s stupid but works, it isn`t stupid.
51. Regardless of what the numbers say, it`s still amazing that planes fly.
Sent to me by: ozbrown@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Paul Raymond "OZZY" Brown)
-----------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------
- STUPID SLOGANS WAITING TO BE COPYRIGHTED -
- or -
- THIS IS AMERICA - IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, -
- GET IT OFF YOUR CHEST AND ONTO A BUMPER STICKER -
-----------------------------------------------------
* The world's so terrible that one can only make fun of it.
* Life's biggest question is whether or not you're happy -
not with others, but with yourself.
* If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.
* It's only hopeless if you walk away.
* Since when is talking a sign of thinking?
* I have crossed and recrossed the line between sanity and
madness so many times that I have all but rubbed it out.
* Life is recursive.
* Clever is getting out alive.
* Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.
* Don't compute and drive; the life you save may be your own.
* It's your right to be stupid, but it doesn't mean you should be.
* If you're gonna' panic, panic constructively.
* For him to get an idea, it would be a surgical process.
* Being good at being stupid doesn't count.
* Some have morals, some don't, most simply ignore them.
* You can't be late until you show up.
* If we don't know it already, chances are we're not interested in
learning it.
* I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
* A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
* Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
* If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
* If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
* No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
* A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
* The 100% American is 99% an idiot.
--------------------------
1. You can always tell a good idea by the enemies it makes.
3. It's never the technical stuff that gets you in trouble. It's the personalities and the politics.
22. Good client relations are the key to a successful project.
23. At some time in the project you're going to have to break down and finally define the problem.
24. Customer support is an art, not a science.
So are most other forms of torture.
25. Programming is like pinball. The reward for doing it is the opportunity of doing it again.
-----------------------------------------
I think therefore I create bugs."
Descartes
"Debug is human, de-fix divine."
"The bug is mightier than the fix."
Cyrano deBuggerac
"I have just begun to debug."
MS-DOS--Just say "no"
-- David Yolt
As I heard in the news today, the Americans have developed a now top-secret high-tech bomber.
It is called X11R5, it's codename is 'Windows'
-----------------------------------------
Dislexics of the world, untie!
Whining is anger through a small opening.
-- Stuart Smalley
Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
-- Kim Hubbard
Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories:
those that don't work, those that break down, and those that get lost.
-- Russell Baker
It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
-- Walt Disney
In some ways we are more confused than ever, but we feel that we are
confused on a higher level and about more important things.
Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
-- Agnes' Law
If you want to make enemies, try to change something.
-- Woodrow Wilson
"Diplomacy" is letting them have it your way.
-----------------------------------------
"C++" should have been called "D"
"The faster you go, the shorter you are" - Einstein
"Vote for Perot" - Bumper sticker attached with velcro.
(D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
1200 bps used to seem so fast
A Bugless Program is an Abstract Theoretical Concept.
A closed mind gathers no intelligence
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
An egotist thinks he's in the groove when he's in a rut.
Anger blows out the lamp of the mind.
Blessed are the pessimists, they make backups!
But what if I'm a figment of my OWN imagination?
Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
Computer: a million morons working at the speed of light.
Computers are useless; they can only give answers.
Confusion not only reigns, it pours.
Converse with any plankton lately?
Dime: a dollar with all the taxes taken out.
Do not disturb. Already disturbed!
Do steam rollers really roll steam?
Does the Enterprise use DOS v 2356.0?
Dogs crawl under fences, software under Windows.
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fools rush in where Fools have been before!
Four minus two is one and the same.
Going out of my mind, back in 5 minutes.
He's dim, Jed
Help endangered species - adopt a KGB operative.
How do you pronounce my name? With reverence.
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
I M a tru beleever in hour edukashun sistum.
I get mail........ I exist.
I keep my .BAT files in D:\BELFRY
I like to leave messages *before* the beep.
I think. Therefore I am DANGEROUS.
I'd love to, but I think you want the OTHER Luke.
I'm spending a year dead for tax purposes.
I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.
If truth is stranger than fiction, you must be truth!
If you can read this you have a modem.
If you can't make it good, make it LOOK good." B. Gates
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is it ok to use my AM radio after NOON?
It's smart to pick your friends, but not to pieces.
Lawyers: The larval form of politicians.
Liberal - a power worshipper without power.
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
Mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence
Never trust a man who can count to 1,023 on his fingers
Nothing recedes like success.
Oprah spelled backwards is Harpo!
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Paranoia is heightened awareness.
Perot/Bush/Quayle: The Milionaire, Skipper & Gilligan.
Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
REALITY.SYS Corrupted - Unable To Recover Universe
REALITY.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot universe? (Y/N/Q)
Silvester Stallone: father of the RISC concept.
Software means never having to say you're finished
Tact: making a point without making an enemy.
Talk is cheap because Supply exceeds Demand.
Unix and the world Unix with you; VAX and you VAX alone.
WOMAN.ZIP... Great program but no documentation.
Waiter, there's no fly in my soup! - Kermit
You can name your salary here. I call mine Fred.
----------------------------------------------------
The following are selections from Nathan's collection of Clinto jokes:
Clinton Jokes
Note:
This list is being maintained by Nathan Mates, nathan@cco.caltech.edu, or
MSC #850, Caltech, Pasadena, CA 91126-0001. Please send any submissions to
one of the two addresses. You can freely distribute this file as long as this
message remains intact.
--------------------------
[On the claim that "lying" should be grounds to nullify an election:]
"If that's the standard, President Clinton could get the death penalty
at this point." -- Jay Leno
--------------------------
Clinton was also asked to explain a remark he made to Russian President
Boris Yeltsin at their April 3-4 summit. He reportedly said,
``When the Japanese say yes to us, they often mean no.''
During a picture-taking session in the Oval Office, Miyazawa attempted
to defuse the situation by jokingly pointing out that ``every language
has its own pecularity.''
Smiling, Clinton told the news conference, ``I don't know what I meant
anymore.''
Gee, anyone think that sounds like something that our revered and
honored prez would say?
--------------------------
Seen on a bumper sticker this morning on I-285:
Honk if Bill Clinton says you're rich!
--------------------------
]From The Simpsons, April, 1993
[Bart] Didn't you think there was something wrong when you were
+getting checks for doing nothing?
[Grandpa] I thought it was because the Democrats were back in power.
--------------------------
[Somebody wrote:]
I saw a cartoon with Bill Clinton dressed as Barney (labeled Blarney)
singing:
"I love you,
and you love me,
send me all of your money"
--------------------------
VoiceFromWhiteHouse] Sorry, but we just have to cut all our
- non-essential staff here
(voice revealed to be Hillary)
Hillary] So, Bill, I'll give you 'til 5 to get out!
--------------------------
Didja hear that in response to Pres. Bill's habit of dropping
in on local McDonalds the McD's national management has annouced
a commemrative double cheeseburger, the McClinton?
Of course, when you get it, the price has doubled, and it's got
half the meat.
--------------------------
Which is worse, a Vice-President who can't spell or a President who can't add?
--------------------------
I've heard there's a new programming language out from
University of Tennessee. It's called Algor.
There are some problems with it though. The syntax is very
formal and inflexible. And it's not a very powerfull language either,
since it won't allow you to alter the operating environment.
Personally, I don't think it'll be even around in four years.
--------------------------
$100 bill sitting on the floor in the middle of a room, there are
three people in the room: a Clinton Administration official who tells
the truth, a Clinton Administration official who always lies, and the
Tooth Fairy. Lights go out, then come back on again; the $100 bill is
gone. Who took it? The Clinton Administration official who always
lies, coz the other two don't exist!!!
--------------------------
Some key definitions to help decode Clinton's speeches. More will be added
as the president's meaning becomes clear. Remember, do not attach
meaning to words, it's symbolism that is important.
all - Clinton's constituency. as: We ALL must make sacrifices
to restore America's economic health.
ask - Clintoneze for legislate. i.e. asking:legislating
courage - ability to perform a humanitarian act or deed without regard
to personal safety or welfare. as: America had the COURAGE
to elect Bill Clinton as president.
first lady - this term has been replaced by the title "co-president"
poor - what the middle class becomes after it makes
its contribution.
--------------------------
: For the record, the haircut was not a $200 one, but more like a $50K or $70K one,
: counting the expense for keeping AF1 idling. What it cost to the airliners
: circling around in the sky is anyone's guess.
Sorry to correct you dave, but the money spent by the private airlines to
keep their planes in the air for an hour will Bilzo got his haircut cannot
be considered an expense to the taxpayer.
No, it was an "Investment in America" on the part of the airlines.
--------------------------
"When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million
new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be
tax collectors." -- Jay Leno
--------------------------
Election night...
Bill: ``Honey, we won!''
Hillary: ``Honestly?!''
Bill: ``Let's not bring that up...''
--------------------------
Did you hear that the Clintons had Air Force 1 remodeled?
Now it's got two left wings.
--------------------------
Two birds flying over the White House...
``Say, are you for Clinton?''
``Why not? He's for us!''
--------------------------
Clinton is shaking hands with voters.
``Pleased to meet you,'' says one old man, ``I've heard a lot about you.''
Clinton laughs: ``But you can't prove any of it!''
--------------------------
Bill: ``Have you heard my last speech?''
Hillary: ``No, I didn't know it was the last one!''
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