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Date: Tue, 13 Sep 1994 07:18:05 -0700
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199409131418.HAA01512@netcom6.netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life B.R
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 14 Jan 94 16:40:28 PST (Friday)
Subject: Life B.R
The following are selections from a humor list maintained by:
Connie_Kleinjans@novell.com (Connie Kleinjans)
----------------------------------------------------
Subj: Life's lessons
o Cory's Rule
If people would listen to themselves more, they would talk less
o Sevareid's Law:
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
o Dean Martin's Definition of Sobriety:
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
o Ralph's Observation:
It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize you are
in a hurry
--------------------------
From: Connie_Kleinjans@novell.com (Connie Kleinjans)
So the question for the day..
what would happen if lawyers wrote nursery rhymes????
I think I can help......
Hmmm? What if Mother Goose had tendencies and propensities
toward verbosity and prolixity?
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Jack becomes dexterous,
Jack becomes able to attain high velocity,
Jack forms a trajectory over the illuminating apparatus of
ozocitereous structure.
Mary was formerly the owner and proprietor of a pygmy Ovis aries,
It possessed an outer wool covering which had the characteristic
pallidness much like that found in the appearance of crystalline
precipitation,
And to each point in space that Mary would venture to,
The aforementioned Ovis aries would participate with a high degree of
certainty.
Diminutive Jack Horner
Was seated at the perpendicular conjunction of three planar surfaces,
Ingesting his baked Yuletide pastry.
He inserted his opposable digit,
And excavated a specimen of genus Prunus,
And remarked, "What a benevolent adolescent I have become!"
Lilliputian damsel Muffet
Was rested upon a squatty seating apparatus,
Ingesting the lacteal substances in her possession.
At this point arrived an arachnid
Which inhabited the immediate vicinity of the maiden,
And, true to the fundamental principles of stimulus and response,
arose trepidation in the damsel with sufficient efficiency so as
to induce the aforementioned maiden to change locale.
--------------------------
The story goes that Mrs. Descartes was throwing a New Year's party to
celebrate the arrival of 1630 and had spent weeks preparing. She had
invited all the local jet- (equestrian?) setters.
Moments before the guests started to arrive she instructed Descartes
that the pastries on the table to the side were not to be eaten until
after midnight to make sure there was enough food to keep the guests
from leaving too soon. To make sure, she tasked Rene with the job of
guarding them until an hour or so after midnight at which time she
would invite the guests to help themselves. Though deep in thought, he
agreed to mind the table.
As the party got into full swing, Descartes found himself in an
absorbing philosophical discussion with Vandyke over why Titian removed
a church from the Venetian background in one of his paintings. To hear
each other better, the two wandered away from the crowd, in the
direction of the forbidden baked goods.
Without Descartes noticing, Vandyke starting munching thoughtfully on a
pastry. Suddenly Descartes snapped out of his thoughts and realized
what Vandyke was doing. His reaction surprised Vandyke who figured
that Descartes surely must have just thought of something of great
significance. Discretely, Descartes wrote a message on a napkin and
handed it to Vandyke so as not to attract his wife's attention.
However, just at that moment, they were interrupted, which meant
Vandyke could only stuff the napkin into his pocket for later.
The next morning he removed the napkin to see what
profundity his friend had bequeathed him and, sure enough, there,
scrawled in Descartes hand, was an expression of timeless insight, "I
think they're for 1 am."
--------------------------
[forwards deleted]
This is really something for a rainy day, so long as you're equipped
with the essentials. What you need is a microwave oven, some grapes,
a small measure of sunflower oil and some friends with which to
compete.
The idea is thus. Firstly, if the microwave is of the type that has
one of those silly rotating dish-like things, which rotates your food
to make sure it gets cooked evenly, then TAKE IT OUT and THROW IT
AWAY. You won't need it for this game and, if you get addicted
enough, you probably won't use your microwave for anything else, so
you won't need that dish thing ever again. OK, next, lightly cover
the floor of the oven with a SMALL amount of sunflower oil. Just
generally spread it about, to make a thin, lubricating layer, on which
a grape may skate about. Try it with a practice grape to make sure
you've got it right. Then, line up a number of grapes at one side of
the oven, with one grape corresponding to each player. Important tip
here - MAKE SURE THAT THE END WITH THE HOLE IN IT IS POINTING AT THE
WALL. This is really quite fundementally important. Next, lay bets -
or whatever - on your grape, that it will win/lose/finish in a
particular position or state/whatever. Then, set the microwave to
full power, and switch on. What happens is that the inside of the
grape heats up, liquifies, and acts as a jet propellant to push the
grape along the lubricated floor of the microwave as it shoots out the
hole at the back. Thus, each grape travels with varying degrees of
speed and/or success across the floor. The first to reach the other
side of the oven is judged to be the winner, or, failing this, the one
to travel the furthest. Some grapes don't make it even this far, and
either shrivel up or explode messily on the starting line, but this
just adds to the fun. Remember to switch off the microwave and remove
the competitors before replacing them for the next round.
The game can be varied according to players and their individual
tastes, like "Strip Grape Races" for example, or "Stunt Grapes" where
the grape must perform a task like jumping over other grapes, etc.
These, and other variations, should keep you and your friends amused
for hours.
--------------------------
A friend in Santa Barbara told me about a recent tactic that he tried
using to get a woman he was interested in to give me him call:
I didn't have her number, but she only lives a couple blocks from
me. I could never catch her at home, so left a note on her car with
my number and the following list:
Top Ten Reasons to Call [friend's name]:
10. Studies show frequent use of phone reduces chances of ear cancer.
9. Sometimes calls to me accidentally get routed to Tom Cruise's house.
8. If I'm not home, can talk to my roommate about his leech collection.
7. Good practice for the Speed-dialing event in '96 Olympic games.
6. Santa Barbara's hottest singles are waiting to talk to you. Call now!
5. A good chance to beat the Christmas rush.
4. Heh heh heh Not calling [name] sucks heh heh heh.
3. Answering machine message "Sounds from the electric chair" always
leaves 'em laughing.
2. Learned phone manners from "Hulk Hogan's Complete Book of Etiquette
and Chokeholds."
1. Lucky caller 20 gets registered for the trip to Acapulco and a
dinner for two.
I also have two other "reasons" that I thought of but elected not to
include in the list. I present them here for your enjoyment.
Rejects:
1. Throbbing in my head which says "Kill! Kill! Kill!" is eased by
sound of phone ringing.
1. Although 33 Indictments for obscene phone calls, there have been no
Convictions.
I am sorry to report that this strategy did not work with this
comedically challenged woman. Oh well, Such is life.
--------------------------
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A A drummer.
Q: How can you tell that there's a vocalist at your front door?
A: She doesn't know when to come in.
Q: How do you make a trombone really sound like a French horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and miss at least half the notes.
--------------------------
Based on a true story.
++++++++++
A Real Rochester
When I was a tech writer in Hawaii (originally relocating to Hawaii to
prepare the documentation for the ill-fated "Luau for Windows") I
noticed that one of the engineers didn't have a lot of enthusiasm for
his current project. One day, over lunch, I asked him the reason for
his apparent lack of energy and excitement about this assignment. He
sighed, as down-in-the-dump engineers tend to do, and told me about
this incredibly stupid project given to him by his incredibly stupid
manager which was the brain child of an incredibly stupid division
supervisor.
At the end of this little tirade he dropped the remark, "I tell you, it
is a real Rochester." I nodded knowingly, as I often do when someone
makes an obscure reference that I don't understand. "Albany," I said.
"Albany what?" came the reply, and I knew that I was in trouble. I
decided to confess my ignorance before this got out of control.
"I'm sorry. What is a `Rochester'?"
The engineer smiled wryly, and explained "Well, it comes from the old
Jack Benny show. Whenever Jack Benny came up with some hair-brained
idea, the butler, by the name of Rochester, would say `Are you sure
that you want to do that boss?' So, whenever any of the engineers
around here get handed a design project that we *know* will never make
it in the marketplace, we call it a Rochester. Did you ever hear of the
Microsoft project `Luau for Windows'? Now there was a real Rochester."
++++++++++
ckleinja@novell.com and leibig@sbitp.ucsb.edu
--------------------------
From: Scott_Schroeder@qm-server.INS.COM (Scott Schroeder)
]From INTERNET FWD]In the beginning....
IN THE BEGINNING
(To justify God's ways to the 21st century)
#In the beginning was the computer. And God said
:Let there be light!
#You have not signed on yet.
:God.
#Enter user password.
:Omniscient.
#Password Incorrect. Try again!
:Omnipotent.
#Password Incorrect. Try again!
:Technocrat.
#And God signed on 12:01 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
:Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again!
:Create light.
#Done.
:Run heaven and earth.
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:02 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Monday, March 2.
:Let there be firmament in the midst of the water and
#Unrecognizable command! Try again!
:Create firmament.
#Done.
:Run firmament.
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in string specification! Try again.
:Create dryland.
#Done!
:Run dryland.
#And God created Earth and Seas. And God saw there were
0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night.
#Unspecified type. Try again!
:Create sunmoonstars.
#And God created Sun, Moon, Stars. And God saw there were
0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54:00.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
:Create fish.
#Done.
:Create fowl.
#Done.
:Run fish'nfowl.
#And God created the great seamonsters and every living creature
that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and
every winged fowl after its kind. 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45:00.
#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Friday, March 6.
:Create cattle.
#Done.
:Create creepy things.
#Done.
:Now let us make man in our image.
#Unspecified type! Try again.
:Create man.
#Done.
:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it
and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over of the fowl
of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the
earth.
#Too many command operands! Try again.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
:Insert breath.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
:Move man to Garden of Eden.
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
:Create Gard.En.
#Done.
:Move man to Gard.En.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
:Copy woman from man.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
:Insert woman into man.
#Illegal parameters. Try again!
:Insert man into woman.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
:Create desire.
#Done.
:Run multiplication.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the
Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create freewill.
#Done.
:Run freewill.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the
Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Undo desire.
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
:Destroy freewill.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Help!
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Create Treeofknowledge.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the
Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create good'nevil.
#Done.
:Activate evil.
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning: System error in sector E95. Man'nwoman not in Gard.En.
#1 errors.
:Scan Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
#Man'nwoman cannot be located. Try again!
:Search Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
#Search failed.
:Delete shame.
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
:Destroy freewill.
#Freewill an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
:Stop!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Break
:Break
:Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR
REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE
SIGN OFF.
:Create new world.
#You have exceeded your allotted file space. You must destroy
old files before new ones can be created.
:Destroy earth.
#Destroy earth. Please confirm.
:Destroy earth confirmed.
#COMPUTER DOWN. COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME ON SUNDAY
MARCH 8 AT 6:00 A.M. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW!
#And God signed off at 11:59 p.m., Friday, March 6.
#And God he had zero funds remaining.
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