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From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199409201356.GAA15310@netcom2.netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life B.T
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 19 Jan 94 13:48:07 PST (Wednesday)
Subject: Life B.T
The following was sifted out of alt.humor.best-of-usenet
which is moderated by: best@cc.ysu.edu
----------------------------------------------------
From: joshua@sleepy.retix.com (joshua geller)
In article [1993Dec1620.08.15.9859@silverton.berkeley.edu]
djb@silverton.berkeley.edu (D. J. Bernstein) writes:
] Well, golly gee, have you never heard of universities? Some of us
] actually care about internal security. We can't just firewall ourselves
] off from the world and shoot users who don't cooperate.
firewalling may be a bit extreme for a university, I agree.
what's wrong with shooting users?
--------------------------
[moderator's note: comp.unix.wizards was recently voted to become moderated]
From: david@gl.umbc.edu (Dave Brookshire)
In article [2emdp1$p9l@hpscit.sc.hp.com],
Naseer Mohd [naseer@corp.hp.com] wrote:
] Now my question is can this group exist without an ego ?
Yes...but not without an ID.
--------------------------
From: tadman@ecf.toronto.edu (Scott Tadman)
[WEINTRAUBJ@delphi.com] wrote:
]LETS START A NEW ALT.NEWSGROUP CALLED ALT.ARTIFICIAL.INTELLIGENCE OR
]ALT.A.I., IF FIRST NAME - WHICH IS MUCH MORE DISCRIPTIVE - IS TOO LONG.
]If there already is an Artificial Intelligence Newsgroup, for news
]about Expert Systems, Natural Language, Neural Networks, etc. I would
]appreciate its NAME. Joe Weintraub, President, Thinking Software
I've figured it out. This is part of the process of comp.ai becoming self-
aware. Really! Usenet is going to start posting to itself very shortly.
The need for posters will be fully eliminated.
People won't have to spend the effort thinking up stupid questions to ask!
The BIFF quotient can be controlled by tweaking your news server software.
Folks, we are at The Big Event. Usenet will never be the same when it thinks
for itself. Let's just hope comp.ai doesn't like JP any more than the rest
of us.
--------------------------
From: jmw20@konichiwa.cc.columbia.edu (Joshua Michael Wolf)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.xbooks
Subj: The Mr. Sinister FAQ!
Well, I'm getting pretty damn sick and tired of people asking questions
about Mr. Sinister, so I've created the FAQ to answer all your questions.
THE MR. SINISTER FAQ
Part I- Who is Mr. Sinister?
The most ridiculously powerful and ridiculously dumb character in the
Marvel Universe.
Next question.
Part II- What are Mr. Sinister's powers?
Fill in the blank yourself. Be creative.
Part III- What is Mr. Sinister's origin?
Fill in the blank yourself. Be creative.
Part IV- Is he a hero or a villain?
Fill in the blank yourself. Be creative.
Part V- Why does he want the Summers DNA?
Fill in the blank yourself. Be creative.
Part VI- Is he really vulnerable to Cyclops's eye beams?
Fill in the blank yourself. Be creative.
There. Hope this has cleared up any questions. ;)
--------------------------
From: tjm@titan.ams.com (Tom Maloney)
In article [CI6z9x.B36@cvbnet.CV.COM] rbemben@timewarp.prime.com (Rich Bemben)
writes:
There was this former N.H. governor (Meldrim Thompson I think) that was a very
staunch conservative. One day he was driving South on route 93 toward the
N.H./Ma. boarder, cruising in the passing lane at a very conservative 55 mph.
Behind this very conservative Gov. was a very irate Ma. driver, who also was
a rather law abiding citizen who, in total frustration, planeted his car
directly on the bumper of of said governor. The Gov. was pissed but held his
ground all the way to the Ma. boarder at which point the Ma. driver blew past
The Gov., on the right.
I can't believe this. I don't think it's possible to get further right
than Meldrim Thompson.
--------------------------
From: IZZYZL2@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU
Newsgroups: alt.history.what-if
Subject: Re: nice people would rule the world
In article [s0763527.10.0@let.rug.nl],
s0763527@let.rug.nl (M. van Groesen) writes:
]What if just nice people would be allowed to rule the world. Would it make
]the world a better place?
I'd say that belongs under Fantasy, and not Alternative History.
:)
--------------------------
From: jjacobs@rs6000.cmp.ilstu.edu (James T. Jacobs)
Newsgroups: rec.sport.football.australian
Actually, the rules of footy are simple. Inside the ball is a "melee magnet".
Anyone holding on to the ball becomes the object of a mugging. Naturally, the
object of the game is not to have the ball, but to get rid of the bloody thing
before any of these murderous buggers get wise to the fact that you possess it.
Kick it. Drop it on the ground. Bat it away with your hand. Anything, but
don't hold on to it. The best thing is to bat it or kick it to an area where
one of your team mates (who don't want the ball any more than you do) can get
it. Then they can run like hell. But not very far. The sound of thundering
footsteps will remind them that..."Damn! I really don't want this bloody thing
after all!" AARRRGGHH!!!!!!! [sounds of a ball hog being driven into the
ground like a spike] Even the intention of possessing the ball can get you
seriously maimed. If the ball is flying through the air after a kick, don't be
the first one to jump for it. Wait until some other poor, stupid bugger jumps
for it, leap into the air and come down on his shoulders with both knees,
driving his head down so far that he must wear a V-neck shirt in order to be
able to see well enough to drive. If you and your team can play the game of "I
don't want this damn thing, YOU take it" with enough skill to avoid being
beaten into a bloody pulp, then you have the opportunity to *really* get rid of
it by kicking it through the two tall goal posts and into the stands, where the
melee magnet kicks in again, and the spectators have the chance to beat each
other to bloody pulps whilst the players take bets on survivors. See? Simple
game. *Go Carlton*
--------------------------
From: rkl@merlin.think.com (Robert Krawitz)
Subj: Longest Running RM/NEW Group War
In article [alex-301293200820@dialip-33.mr.net] alex@spiral.org (Dave Alexander) writes:
I just had this thought of some guy sitting down EVERY morning with his
coffee and hitting a single key on his keyboard to run a macro to create a
new group, and some guy on the other side of the world drinking his tea and
running the same type of macro, but rm'ing the group -- each one hoping the
other will just drop it one day.
Certainly not. That would be altogether too much work. Any Real Usenet
Weenie (tm) will automate the process. After all, with your method
there's the risk of spilling one's beverage into the keyboard.
--------------------------
From: rone@netcom.com (5150)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,comp.os.os2.misc
In article [60.13417.3067.0N18F2D6@canrem.com],
Andrew White [andrew.white@canrem.com] wrote:
]MI]THAN THE MOVIE ALIEN THREE (ALIENS THREE)
]Ho ho! If OS/2 is so good, then how come it doesn't have a line of
]action figures! Aliens does!
I can see it now. A small, plastic, anatomically correct Mike Dahmus
with a laptop. If you push his button, he says:
"Linux sux! Linux sux!
OS/2 iz g00d 4 U!"
--------------------------
From: moore@cs.utk.edu (Keith Moore)
Newsgroups: comp.org.usenix,comp.sys.sun.admin,comp.unix.admin,comp.unix.solaris
In article [1994Jan5.002956.12884@unet.net.com], stan@shakespeare.net.com (Stan Heller) writes:
] My favorite tool in AIX is SMIT. Here is a tool that writes to all kinds of
] hidden files and the only thing that YOU get is, when the process is running
] you get this cute little icon in the corner of a guy running. If the process
] completes successfully, he raises his hands in triumph- if it fails, the
] poor schmuck falls down. How's that for useful debugging info??
I hear that they worked hard on that, and they're real proud of it.
--------------------------
From: szielins@prodhp.us.oracle.com (Stephan Zielinski)
In article [1994Jan06.220234.700@taylor.wyvern.com] mark@taylor.wyvern.com (Mark A. Davis) writes:
]*DAMN* Is this CRAP appearing again. I wish someone would track that guy
]down and email him several hundred copies of proper and improper net
]uses!!!!
Actually, I always have a field day when one of these things gets
posted. It gives me more names for my IDIOTS files. You should
maintain such a file, so when your boss hands you a resume and says
"What do you think?", you whip out your trusty grep...
--------------------------
From: ECZ5RMS@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU (Robert Skinner- UCLA)
[Actually condensed from several postings]
]Karen Lofstrom wrote:
]: Our condo has ants. Cement block condo, ground floor, it has ants, no
]: use fighting it. However, the big red ones decided to nest in the laser
]: printer. We pick it up from the shop tomorrow. How do we keep the ants
]: from getting into the laser printer again? My husband suggests, only
]: half-jokingly, that we put it on a little table with the four legs in
]: tins of water. Does anyone have any other suggestions?
]Robert Skinner- UCLA writes:
]|] I think you're missing the big picture here: Maybe the ants were trying
]|] to fix your LaserJet...maybe they NEEDED it. I suggest leaving your
]|] computer and printer on when you go to bed...see what the ants are up to
]|] ....Hmmmm. Sounds like a plot on the X Files. If African termits can bui
]|] ld 15 foot rock hard mounds just think what red ants could do with a 486
Gerard Fryer writes:
]I think leaving things on is part of the problem. Carpenter ants are
]constantly investigating my Sun workstation, which stays on all the
]time (to receive mail and serve the network), but they have no interest
]in my Mac, which gets turned off every night.
It makes sense that the ants aren't interested in the Mac: 1. while a bu
nch of them could move the mouse they'd never be able to double click.
2. Of course they like the Sun, it uses UNIX. Ants invented UNIX. I'll
bet that if you had microphone and a really high gain amp you could hear
the ants speaking C++ (clearly not a human language). Seriously NYC has
a species of Cockroach that infest TV sets, the Brown Banded Cockroach.
It's tropical species that can't survive New York's cold winters, except
for the lucky ones that find a TV. That eat the insulation and enjoy the
warmth. Apparently that a attracted by the hum of the TV's transformer.
But still maintain that the ants are in the computer for a REASON.
--------------------------
From: charles (c.a.) hoequist [hoequist@bnr.ca]
Esteemed Editor,
This is a followup to my posting concerning the new 411 service in
Atlanta. In response to an e-mail request to post more details to the
Digest about subscriber requests which don't exactly fit the telco's
DA template, here is a selection.
Bear in mind that the operator doesn't dare just brush off the
subscriber. That may bring a complaint. But if the call takes too
long, the operator's AWT (average work time -- the average duration of
the calls at the operator's position) will go up, which is also evil.
So everything has to be either solved or at least properly redirected,
preferably in 20 seconds or less.
First, there are some frequent errors, such as subscribers asking for
DA in another area code. A subclass of of these are the telephony-
challenged. The operators usually read out the entire sequence for the
call to the subscriber ("Dial one, then [area code], then ..") and in
one case the subscriber obediently hit DTMF 1 ("ma'am?" "Yes?" "You
have to hang up first.")
Second, there are ambiguous or poorly-stated listing requests. These
can be mildly humorous:
"I'd like the number of X in Jefferson"
"Which one, ma'am? I have two Jefferson listings for that name."
"Well, it's the one on the main street."
"Neither is listed as having Main Street as an address."
"No, it's the main street, it runs right through the center of
town."
(pause)
"Ma'am, I don't know the name of that street."
"Hmm. Well, it's the one that turns into the state road a little
out of town ..."
This can go on and on.
Then there are some which are telephony-related, but not DA calls,
like the bozo who badgered the operator endlessly about whether he'd
get charged for a DA call made from his cellular phone. Or requests
for beeper numbers.
Finally, there are the miscellaneous requests:
- what time is it? Not, what is the number to get the time recording?
The subscriber was very explicit.
- when do the buses run?
- what zipcode is [X]?
- and the winner: "Could you tell me what research is going on
at Emory University?"
--------------------------
From: alaric@netcom.com (The Renaissance Man)
sarge@world.std.com (brian k short) wrote:
] While I was stationed at Ft Sill, Ok. we had an 3-6 who claimed this really
] happened in his unit:
] He had been in his unit for about a year and was an PFC.
] His unit was going out on an FTX (playing soldier in the woods)
] in Germany.....
Reminds me of a story told by a friend, also stationed in Germany. Seems
the locals didn't like the way that all-steel tracks tore up their roads,
and so insisted that they use road tracks (which have rubber "tread" pads)
all year round. One day, he was off tooling around the neighborhood in
an M-60, got half-way down an icy hill just outside of town, and started
to slide. He put it in neutral, and everyone just pulled their straps
tight, sat back, and waited for the noise to stop. After things were quiet
again, he put it back in gear, drove back through 100 yards of flattened
orchard, drove it through the new hole in the 400-year-old stone wall, and
drove the rest of the way into town.
The locals let them use steel tracks when it was icy after that.
--------------------------
From: tal@Warren.MENTORG.COM (Tom Limoncelli)
In [1993Dec21.140054.11810@walter.cray.com] tness@sedist.cray.com (Tom Ness) writes:
]][]We're going to HP's and SGI's. With the hassle of a radically different
]][]OS and software either way, why not get *different* hardware. Something with
]][]performance specs that aren't at the bottom of the scale.
]I am interested in what CPU's/Machines are seen as having a better bang
^^^^^^^^^^^
]for the buck than SUN.
EVERYTHING ELSE.
When you say, "are seen as" I think about the perception that customers
have about the machines. In that case, Sun is at the bottom.
Now if you want to talk about actual benchmarks the answer is less
clear, since most benchmarks tell me nothing.
Salespeople never give me the benchmark results I want:
1. The GreenStone -- "Will I spend more time unpacking this machine
then it took to have it shipped?" This is based on the number of
boxes, celophane, twisties, wraps, clips, jips, pips, dips and slips am
I going to have to cut, break, open, rip, etc. to get the damn machine
ready for use. This can also be measured as the weight of the refuse I
will generate by purchasing one machine. A DEC MIPS machine + monitor,
tape drive, and extra disk takes more time to unwrap than it takes
to drive from NYC to Washington D.C.
2. The CrashStone -- The number of minutes a day I spend running over
to the machine to reboot the machine.
3. The PatchStone -- How long after I call in a bug do I get a patch?
Bonus points are added for companies that refuse to admit their OS has
bugs. A factor in this formula is how many people I talk to before I
talk with someone that is technical enough to know what I'm talking
abut. For example, I was asked, "What a g-cos field?" by the engineer
at Sun that was assigned to fix a bug in NIS. I almost mailed him the
man page, and a history book on Unix. This also relates to the next
benchmark.
4. The FixStone -- Once I get a patch, how many revs of the operating
system do I have to wait until the patch is included in the OS. For
example, see my post in comp.sys.sun.misc about the 3 bugs in Solaris
2.1 that I reported, had bugids assigned, had patches made: and none of
them were in Solaris 2.2 or Solaris 2.3. Still nobody has promised me
that they'll be in Solaris 2.4.
5. The LieStone -- How many times has a salesperson lied to me in a
sales presentation. I'm technical enough that lies can't get past me
and I love to call them on the carpet. I remember being told flat out
that (1) Such a configuration would work, (2) they refuse to sell me
that configuration because it won't work. (This was all at the same
meeting). When I asked if those two statements are contradictory, I
was told, "Yes". However, they won't back down on either point.
6. The UpToDateStone -- Does the vendor ship the latest Sendmail?
Bind? awk? By some company standards, I worry about using cat!
7. The ManStone -- Does the vendor provide man pages on disk? Are
they in pre-formatted for a vt100, or can I troff them to my laser
printer? Do I get printed docs? Do I need to read the on-disk docs to
set up the machine so that I can read the on-disk docs? Sure, vendors
pay big license fee$ to ship them in electronic form, but they need
to look around and see that all of their competitors ship them
as a default.
8. The MarketingStone -- If I find a bug, will I be told that
it won't be fixed because someone in marketing has to approve
that it gets fixed, and nobody in marketing is competant enough
to understand the bug?
...I could go on for days...
Unix vendors, can't live with 'em, can't explain being "customer
oriented" to 'em.
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