Return-Path: [cate3@netcom.com]
Received: from netcom8.netcom.com by piccolo.cco.caltech.edu with ESMTP
(8.6.7/DEI:4.41) id HAA29575; Tue, 1 Nov 1994 07:06:23 -0800
Received: by netcom8.netcom.com (8.6.9/Netcom)
id GAA23338; Tue, 1 Nov 1994 06:28:05 -0800
Date: Tue, 1 Nov 1994 06:28:05 -0800
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199411011428.GAA23338@netcom8.netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life C.8
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 4 Feb 94 16:10:12 PST (Friday)
Subject: Life C.8
The fullowing are selections from the humor mailing list run by:
abennett@mit.edu [Andrew Bennett]
----------------------------------------------------
From: Steve Berczuk [berczuk@space.mit.edu]
...
] From ebromley@ea.com Tue Oct 5 16:58:51 1993
]
] A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a
] one-way street.
] Doug Linder
]
] As a wise programmer once said, "Floating point numbers are like sandpiles:
] every time you move one, you lose a little sand and you pick up a little dirt.
] And after a few computations, things can get pretty dirty.
] Kernighan & Plauger
] The Elements of Programming Style
]
] Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
] build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
] to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
] Rich Cook
]
] In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented
] six feet downward and covered with dirt.
] Blair P. Houghton, regarding C Code indentation
--------------------------
From: Philip Greenspun [philg@martigny.ai.mit.edu]
!
$50K!
! **
! ** *
$40K! ** * Any Questions?
! ** *
! ***** *
$30K! **** *
! **** *
! ***** *
$20K! ***** *
! ***** *
! *** *
$10K! *** *
!** *
! *
0 +--------+----------+-----------+------------+---------+--*---------]
no high some Bachelor's Master's Doctor
high school college Degree Degree of
school diploma Philosophy
diploma
--------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Dec 1993 20:39:30 -0700
15 December 1993
None other than the Wall Street Journal reported today that the nonprofit group
that produces the 1913 IRS Income Tax Form Christmas Tree Bulb is flooded with
orders following it's mention in Dave Barry's Gift Guide. Maybe next year
people will actually *try* to be included in the guide...
--------------------------
From: myshao@MIT.EDU
Hey guys! Got this from my roommate. Hope you enjoy it.
40 Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.
35 Italian cars don't start.
32 Water freezes.
30 You can see your breath. Politicians begin to worry about the
Homeless.
25 Boston water freezes.
Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you.
20 Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream.
You can hear your breath.
15 N.Y. City water freezes.
Politicians begin to talk aobut the homeless.
12 You plan a vacation to Mexico.
10 Too cold to snow
5 You need jumper cables to get the car going.
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
3 You plan a vacation in Houston.
0 Too cold to skate.
American cars don't start.
-5 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
-10 Too cold to think.
Politicians actually do something about the homeless.
-15 Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you.
You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-20 You plan a 2-week hot bath.
-25 The mighty Monongahela freezes.
Japanese cars don't start.
-30 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button...
Below -30 The kids call home from college.
End of the world...
--------------------------
Date: Mon, 25 Oct 93 13:02:37 -0400
From: tomatt@frosty.lerc.nasa.gov (Matthew Velazquez)
I found this in the Plain Dealer, copied from the Times.
MAKE HURRICANE NAMES FIT THE OCCASIONS
By Michael C. McGovern
Emily is the name of my 9-year-old niece, a girl who would not harm a
fly.
It is hardly an appropriate tag for the violent storm that loomed
threateningly in the Caribbean last month.
Likewise Bob.
No one is going to be frightened by a hurricane called Bob.
Hurricanes should have intimidating names that make people stay home
and batten down the hatches.
Bone Crusher, for example, would be a good name. The only problem with
Bone Crusher is that it doesn't capture the essence of a storm's particular
nature.
Here's a list of names that are not only scary, but also very descrip-
tive:
Hurricane Clinton - moves right, then left again.
Hurricane Gergen - Spins uncontrollably.
Hurricane Powell - heads directly for the White House.
Hurricane Nunn - travels in a straght line.
Hurricane Bush - completely missed Middle America.
Hurricane Perot - small but annoying.
Hurricane Dole - eliminates roads, bridges, and schools; spares only
Kansas.
Hurricane Madonna - leaves clothes strewn everywhere.
Hurricane Oprah - gets smaller, then bigger again.
Hurricane Letterman - appears an hour earlier than expected.
Hurricane Chevy - fades almost immediately.
Hurricane Wallace - hard-hitting, but lasts only 60 minutes.
Hurricane Heidi - blows the lid off Hollywood studios.
Hurricane Jordan - stops abruptly at its peak.
Hurricane Dykstra - devastates Atlanta and Toronto.
Hurricane Foreman - devours everything in sight.
Hurricane Steinbrenner - threatens to move toward New Jersey.
Hurricane Trump - uproots giant maples.
Hurricane Milken - leaves a trail of junk.
Hurricane Tailhook - leaves nothing untouched.
--------------------------
From: "Sharalee Field" [sharalee@planning.mit.edu]
from the October 1993 issue of SPY magazine, p. 22
- -------------
There's No Business Like Free Pumps Business
Some Post-Cold-War Company Names in the Former USSR
The cagey _biznizmen_ of the erstwhile Evil Empire may be having a hard time
moving on capitalism, but their knack for clever and useful company names
remains unimpaired. A look at _The Business Directory of the New Independent
States_, a new guide to Commonwealth of Independent States enterprises seeking
business abroad, reflects a spunky post-Communist diversity. Some good old
gulag-and-cardboard-suit-era descriptives remain, but other names range from
vague to the sinister to the virtually mystical. -Ed Moribus
TRADITIONAL: General Anti-Gusher and Spout Department; National Research
Institute of Device Building; Kharkov Plant of Self-Propelled Tool Carriers;
Sucker-Rod Free Pumps Special Design Bureau; Trade Warehouse of Production &
Trade Amalgamation of Canteens; National Research Institute of Hunting Camps &
Fur Farms Management Named After B. Zhitkov; Baikalsk Branch of the Ecological
Toxicology National Water Protection Research Institute of the USSR [sic] State
Committee for Natural Protection; Public Everyday Repairs and Other Services
Amalgamation; Electrojazhchimprojekt State Design & Development Institute for
Complex Electrification of Industrial Enterprises and Nonindustrial Projects
MYSTICAL/INCOMPREHENSIBLE: Association of Shaping; Air Inventors Rationalizers
Cooperative; Central Experimental Methodical Expedition; Code Cooperative
Enterprise of Broad Profile; Competent State-Cooperative Bureau; Lush
Cooperative Enterprise; Nominal Plant; Zooeks Small Enterprise; Elf Business;
Soyuzlegprompusknaladok National Starting and Adjustment Works Trust; Fond
Self-Supporting Center
SINISTER: Spectre Art and Decorative Works Cooperative; Spectre Moscow RIA;
Spectre RIA; Spectre Youth Scientific and Technical Creative Work Center;
Desintegrator [sic] RIA
CANDIDLY BLEAK: Business-Club Bankrupt
--------------------------
From: Steve Berczuk [berczuk@space.mit.edu]
] From Rod.Holland@East.Sun.COM Thu Oct 21 11:23:24 1993
] From: Andy.Rattigan@UK (Andy Rattigan - SunSolutions Nth Europe)
] Subject: Birdnest Spontaneity Imperfect
This is a real letter sent by a motorist to their insurance
company..
FYi there is a big movement in the UK to force the government, legal
and insurance companies to use real english not incomprehensible
jargon..
Andy
Dear Mrs Eldred
Re: policy no M0101 Certificate No: 153945
I acknowledge receipt of your letter dated 2 January
I am absolutely staggered by your entirely incomprehensible response,
which is based on a phrase of gibberish so inarticulate and
inexplicable not even a professor of Litigation English could fathom
any meaning from it whatsoever.
It must be entirely beyond even the highest intellect to understand or
accept an argument which consists of no more than the phrase 'free of
particular average'. I defy you to truthfully claim you have the
faintest idea of the origin or literal meaning of this random
collection of words, or to suggest to anyone that it has any specific
linguistic meaning whatsoever. The response 'free of particular
average' is a response as junk-riddled and nonsensical as 'birdnest
spontaneity imperfect'.
If I asked you whether or not you took sugar in your tea, and your
answer was 'birdnest sponaneity imperfect', I could be forgiven for
thinking you were in the final tragic stages of some rare mental
disease. If I asked you to give me a small sum of money, and you said
'No, because birdnest spontenaity imperfect,' I would then assume you
were endeavouring to obfuscate an issue premised on a fundamental
requirement to circumvent actuality. Which means, where I come from,
trying to pull a fast one.
I note that you highlighted the relevant points on the Certificate for
my easy reference. By that you mean putting a yellow box round the
letters F.P.A. I am touched by your evidently profound concern for my
full and clear comprehension, and suggest you have a talent for
explanation beyond that of any ordinary human being.
In turn, I would highlight a point for you: see the bit marked on the
copy of the certificate enclosed. It seems clear from that to people
who read ordinary English (rather then Free of Particular Average
English) that my vehicle would have been insured against the risks it
says it is insured against. Which includes theft of blasted mudflaps.
However, it is evident that your company is unwilling to consider
payment against a straightforward claim, made by a straightforward
customer, for an amount not appreciably different to the premium paid.
I do not propose to waste any more of my valuable time in trying to
waste any more of your valuable time, which is what I was trying to do,
since your company has done so well in wasting my time so far.
I would only say to you: A.P.S., which means Accordingly Particle
Statutory. A.P.S. is a standard phrase used by people in my
circumstances when encountering people who say FPA. APS means people
who insure mudflaps and then say they didn't, have to pay $100.00 every
time thy say FPA, until such time as they are stranded, sunk, burnt,
catch fire, are in a collision or go mad or broke, or preferably the
whole bloody lot at the same time. Thus your rejection of my calim is
automatically declined, and for your easy reference I have highlighted
A.P.S and trust that you will note this for your records accordingly.
Incidentally, a call to the company who arranged the insurance cover
for me reveals that they would have assumed that the wretched mudflaps
were insured against loss, as they were a component part of the vehicle
being shipped. I asked them what FPA meant, and the best explanation
they could summon was 'something average'. And they're a shipping
company.
I hope you all take it in turn to find yourselves driving behind my
truck on a muddy road in a rainstorm. I doubt I will let you past even
if you could see to try.
You people, you break my heart.
--------------------------
The folks at the MIT Media Lab should pay special attention to #3...
:)
t-gavs@microsoft.com ([ Dec 29) -Drew
From: sao@MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 28 Dec 93 11:03:17 EST
------- Forwarded Message (from alt.wired)
You know you've been working at Microsoft too long, when:
1. You stop caring about the stock price.
2. You lip-synch along with Bill's "vision" speech at the company meeting.
3. You no longer bother to reprimand pinheads who email an alias of 300
people to borrow a postage stamp or state controversial religious views.
4. You stop hating people who preface every remark with "Well, when I first
started at Microsoft..." because now all your friends talk that way.
5. You never get lost inside any Microsoft building.
6. You get a glazed smile and feign amnesia when newcomers ask you to
explain Burgermaster jokes.
7. You think costly sportscars, powerboats, and vacation homes are tacky,
but now all your friends have them.
8. Other people do things that you suggest, even when those things are
really stupid.
9. You cover your ears and chant "I can't hear you, I can't hear you!" when
people start talking about Stone Age Computers I Have Used.
10. All your original workmates went off to other groups. Then you all ended
up working together again. Then you dispersed again. Now you can't remember
any of their names.
11. You can testify from direct, personal experience that those who ignore
history are doomed to repeat it. On the other hand, there are worse things
than being paid truckloads of money to ignore history.
12. The distinction between "blibbet" and "biscotti" grows increasingly
fuzzy in your mind.
13. You're no longer gripped by an irresistible urge to savagely butcher
stringy-bearded geeks who ride unicycles and shoot nerf guns in the hall
outside your door. Now a bunch of them work for you, in fact.
14. You can't remember what people in offices actually *did* from day to
day, before there was email.
15. Your kid asks what you do at work, and you are struck speechless. Then
you say, "Well, basically I talk to a bunch of people and type on a
computer." The next day you go to a bar for lunch and get really drunk.
16. You make people take MIR and time management classes and believe
what you are saying.
17. Your mom asks if you are one of those Microsoft millionaires, and you say,
"Well, Mom -- even if I was, you know a million dollars really doesn't buy
that much any more." Then she tells you it's a sin to lie, and you break down
sobbing.
18. You call a sudden meeting and notice that everybody else in the room is
really nervous. You tell them to relax, there's nothing to be nervous about,
and then they go totally berserk.
19. You no longer bother correcting relatives when you explain your job for
the trillionth time and they say, "Oh-- you do something with computers."
20. You overhear the phrase "...just eff-grep aliases-dot-hass..." and can't
remember what any of those words mean.
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page