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From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199411031442.GAA09319@netcom3.netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life C.9
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 4 Feb 94 16:28:24 PST (Friday)
Subject: Life C.9
The following selections are from the Humor List Digest maintained by:
art@midnight.com (Art Mellor)
----------------------------------------------------
From: burke@Cayman.COM (Chris Burke)
I was watching the Computer bowl on channel 44 over the weekend. Mr.
William Gates ask the flowing question. " WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE WEIRDEST
UNIX PROGRAM THAT WRITTEN AND WORKS".
ANSWER:==== WINDOWS===== SAID OF CONTESANT.
--------------------------
From: art@midnight.com Art Mellor
"Success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your
hunger, but it won't taste good."
- J. Patero
--------------------------
From: gregp@arson.HQ.ileaf.com ( ~ Ancora imparo ~ cube 5088 )
]From a friend of mine who works at an Air Force Base
not all too far from here...
----- Begin Included Message -----
Here's something you'll find amusing. Here at Happy Hanscom we have
"Home Day"
It consists of various seminars given by staff members. One of them
being
"Team Buliding". Unfortunately this was cancelled due to lack of
participation.
What's wrong with this picture?
--------------------------
From: Jennifer Lawton [jlawton@nda.com]
My sister-in-law was robbed over the weekend, which is not funny at
all. They were in the house, sleeping, and the robbers took their
stereo, vcr, tv, car, $50, a Blockbuster video card and..............
all the meat from their freezer.
Hey it made my sister-in-law laugh.
--------------------------
From: ascent!ascent-west!ascent.com!erict@uunet.UU.NET
I heard from a friend of mine (who is a MD/PHD student at Columbia) that a
woman recently sued for loss of psychic ability after she had a CAT scan.
Apparently she claimed that she had not been warned that the scan might
destroy her "ability." She won in the neighborhood of $800K (which was
overturned on appeal).
You might wonder why she didn't know this was going to happen, if she was
such a good psychic.
--------------------------
From: hahn@anubis.network.com (Peter Hahn)
Eight percent of the nation's hot air balloon flights are eventually
featured in a _Rescue 911_ episode.
--------------------------
]From shapiro@robots.ox.ac.uk (Larry Shapiro)
shortest books ever written
Some further titles:
. Good English Cooking
. Great American Cars of the 1980's
. Blonde Thinkers through the ages.
. A Guide to Snorkeling in Norway
. A millenium of German humour
. Modesty, the American way
. Original Japanese designers
. Mountaineering in the Netherlands
. Successful applications of Artificial Intelligence
. Popular Lawyers
--------------------------
From: ficara@remus.rutgers.edu (Ken Ficara)
Newsgroups: comp.software.testing,alt.folklore.computers,rec.humor
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
SEVEN SOFTWARE COMPANIES ADDED TO "WATCH LIST"
New York, NJ, Sept. 24 -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Software
(PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been
added to the group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice
software testing.
"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies
like these can market new products," said Ken Granola, spokesperson for PETS.
"Alternative methods of testing these products are available."
According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthly
and arduous tests, often without rest for hours or days at a
time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means
necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about
"torturing" the software.
"It's no joke," said Granola. "Innocent programs, from the day they are
compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and 'crashed' for hours on end. They
spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are
unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore."
Granola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with
bugs.
"We know alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry giant
Microsoft Corp. as a company that has become extremely successful without
resorting to software testing.
PETS is a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the lives of software
programs and promoting alternatives to software testing.
--------------------------
From: khovanes@infonode.ingr.com (Mr. Pig)
Let me preface this...
Last weekend, we had a fairly large music festival here in Huntsville,
called the Big Spring Jam, where a lot of bands came and played music
late into the night - Friday, Saturday and Sunday. This was the first
fall festival of it's type in Huntsville, and the turnout was really
impressive, about 70,000 people showed up.
Anyway, in the spring Huntsville has another festival, and this one is
for the arts, you know, plays, dance shows, music and all that type of
stuff. Well a friend and myself were walking around the Jam, talking
about Huntsville, and she started to talk about Panople (the art thing).
She works for a local bank which sponsers a lot of this stuff. Well
this year the bank president got the idea of having Barney (tm) show
up at the 1994 Panople for all the kids. My friend was assigned the
job of getting in touch with the Barney main office, and getting him
to Huntsville for the weekend festival. (friday night, saturday and
sunday.)
Would you like to know how much they wanted for this 3 day visit?
$60,000.00
Yes, you read it right. Sixty Thousand Dollars.
--------------------------
From: hopkins@centerline.com
Subj: Re: Diehard III Ideas
|] --------------------------------DIE-HARD-III------------------------------
|]
|] [camera shows Willis standing in casual clothing in a busy airport. Bonnie
|] and the kids are milling about in background. Off-camera voice:]
|]
|] 'John McClane! You've saved the Nakatome Plaza and Dulles International
|] Airport! What are you going to do now?'
|]
|] "I'm going to Disneyworld!"
|]
|] What began as a simple family vacation...
|]
|] [close-up of McClane and family, smiling and laughing as they enter the
|] theme park]
|]
|] ...a time of peace and relaxation...
|]
|] [Bonnie Bedelia and Willis sitting on bed in hotel room, talking]
|]
|] "No more terrorists, John?"
|]
|] "I promise."
|]
|] ...turned into business as usual...
|]
|] [Well-organized terrorist team in back of van, readying weapons and other
|] accoutrements]
|]
|] ...for John McClane.
|]
|] [McClane running full tilt; a short distance behind him is the monorail
|] train. He is understandably panicked. :) ]
|]
|] [cue low-key music]
|]
|] [outside shot of DisneyWorld in daylight, many folks attending park. Off-
|] camera voice: ]
|]
|] "A single day's receipts alone would give us enough to retire."
|]
|] [inside shot: DisneyWorld at night, McClane sneaking around with gun and
|] wisecracking to himself]
|]
|] "What do you guys do, follow me around? 'Hey guys, what should we do
|] next?' 'Well, John's going to Disneyworld, let's all go!'"
|]
|] Now he must face his past...
|]
|] [McClane standing in area lit by heavy-duty lampposts, facing a PA speaker,
|] from which comes a somewhat...familiar...voice (no, it's not Hans): ]
|]
|] "Well, well. John McClane. It *is* a small world, after all!"
|]
|] ...chase the terrorists...
|]
|] [darkened shot of interior of President's Hall (whatever it is--the place
|] with the audioanimatronic Prez's) -- a lone terrorist scanning the room
|] carefully. Part of one of the exhibits comes to life behind him and
|] knocks him soundly over the head]
|]
|] ...and save his family.
|]
|] [close-up of McClane with hunted, desperate look as P.A. voice speaks in
|] background]
|]
|] "I'll bet you brought the wife and kids with you, didn't you, John?"
|]
|] [cue bombastic music, slowly building]
|]
|] This summer, join John McClane in a desperate race...
|]
|] [shot of terrorists mowing down Disney security with mostly-silenced
|] automatic weaponry]
|]
|] [McClane climbing outside rigging of roller coaster; above him, a
|] terrorist in a coaster car takes aim]
|]
|] ...against time...
|]
|] [audioanimatronic Goofy suddenly opens fire on terrorists]
|]
|] [McClane in access tunnel, looking grime-streaked and generally disheveled]
|]
|] "M-I-C...see you real soon."
|]
|] ...and against all odds...
|]
|] [McClane jumps off monorail track, arms flailing, as train car explodes]
|]
|] [McClane in access tunnel, pulls gun out and holds in front of him]
|]
|] "K-E-Y...Why? I'm gonna kill you."
|]
|] ...as he struggles to preserve his own "family values".
|]
|] [shot of frantic Bonnie Bedelia herding the kids down hotel hallway]
|]
|] [shot of grinning terrorist grabbing one of the kids]
|]
|] [McClane in access tunnel, loading the gun. His voice is cracking; he has
|] obviously been through hell.]
|]
|] "M-O-U-S-E...."
|]
|] [exterior shot of Epcot Center. A spectacular explosion; all the panes
|] of glass in the entire building shatter.]
|]
|] DIE HARD 3. It's a small world after all.
|]
|] [screen: Coming this summer to theaters everywhere]
|]
--------------------------
From: Brad Parker [brad@fcr.com]
From: Chris Caputo [ccaputo@microsoft.com]
A Politically Correct Holiday Wish
Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible,
low stress, nonaddictive, gender neutral, winter solstice holiday,
practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious
persuasion of your choice, and with respect for the religious
persuasions of others or their choice not to practice a religion at
all;
AND
a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year
1994, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other
cultures whose contributions to our society have helped make America
great, without regard to the race, creed, color, religious, or sexual
preferences of the wishes.
(This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies
no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
her/himself or others.)
--------------------------
From: "Don W Strickland, Schlumberger, Austin" [strick@austin.wireline.slb.com]
I was musing on similarities between Santa Claus and system
administrators. Consider:
1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are
infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves
make it for me."
5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work
themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
--------------------------
From: dan@cayman.com (Dan Colby)
LUCY: Dad, what are you watching. Is that the Superbowl? DAN: Yup. LUCY:
Are there any women on those teams? DAN: Nope. LUCY: Do any women play on
any professional football teams? DAN: Nope. LUCY: Do you know why not? DAN:
You tell me. LUCY: Because there isn't a woman in the world who is that
STUPID!
--------------------------
Sign I saw last night at the grocery store.
"Farm Fresh Firewood"
----------------------------------------------------
The following selections are from the Cool List Digest maintained by:
art@midnight.com (Art Mellor)
----------------------------------------------------
[Fascinating]
From: alex@ibs.msk.su (RusInform)
Dear collegues!
We are first CD-ROM publishing firm in Russia and are situated in Moscow.
We have in stock 4 CD-ROMs concerning Russia and are interested to develope
distribution net.
We are interested to get any advice how to proceed better or to get an
inquiry on our products from any person or an organisation.
You may call us directly or through our representative in New-York
Glen Granovsky (MCI mail: 0005536214, tel. 1718-998-1654, fax ..-6610).
If you decided to send the fax directly in Russia please better use MCI
channel (10222-011-...) or Sprint channel (10333-011-...).
CD-ROMs titles are:
GARANT - Economical Legislation of Russia
RFB - Russian for Beginners
100 Font Collection Russia
Directory of Russian Companies
Also are coming:
The Hermitage (tour on best museum)
1042 Russian cities' statistics
Thank you for the attention!
--------------------------
From: peter (Peter H. Schmidt)
,__ _,
\~\| ~~---___ , | \
| Wash./ | ~~~~~~~|~~~~~| ~~---, VT_/,ME]
/~-_--__| | Montana |N Dak\ Minn/ ~\~~/Mich. /~| ||,'
|Oregon / \ |------| { WI / /~) __-NY',|_\,NH
/ |Ida.|~~~~~~~~|S Dak.\ \ | | '~\ |_____,|~,-'Mass.
|~~--__ | | Wyoming|____ |~~~~~|--| |__ /_-'Penn.{,~Conn (RI)
| | ~~~|~~| | ~~\ Iowa/ `-' |`~ |~_____{/NJ
| | | '---------, Nebr.\----| IL|IN|OH,' ~/~\,|`MD (DE)
', \ Nev.|Utah| Colo. |~~~~~~~| \ | ,'~~\WV/ VA |
|Cal\ | | | Kansas| MO \_-~ KY /`~___--\
', \ ,-----|-------+-------'_____/__----~~/N Car./
'_ '\| | |~~~|Okla.| | Tenn._/-,~~-,/
\ |Ariz.| New | |_ |Ark./~~|~~\ \,/S Car.
~~~-' | Mex. | `~~~\___|MS |AL | GA /
'-,_ | _____| | / | ,-'---~\
`~'~ \ Texas |LA`--,~~~~-~~,FL\
\/~\ /~~~`---` | \
\ / \ |
\ | '\'
`~' -jorn
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