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Date: Tue, 8 Nov 1994 07:21:24 -0800
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199411081521.HAA21512@netcom14.netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life C.A
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 4 Feb 94 17:05:44 PST (Friday)
Subject: Life C.A
The following are selections from the Subgenius mailing list
To join, send a request to: Subgenius-request@mc.lcs.mit:edu
--------------------------
From: HsuEC@mt1.laafb.af.mil
|BARNEY DOES BREAKFAST AND CHARGED WITH MURDER
|
|Washington June 25, 1993 (PETER FUNK PRESS)
|
|Barney the dinosaur, star of the children's television show Barney, went
|berserk this morning during his show and ate three of his child
|co-stars.
|
|News of Barney's arrest shocked the show business world. Barney comes
|from a show business family. His grandfather did stunt work in the film
|King Kong and worked as technical advisor on the film King Kong Versus
|Mohammed Ali. Barney's father played in the movie 1,000,000 Years B.C.
|and its sequel 1,000,001 B.C. His mother ran an acting school, which
|became famous for teaching iguanas the Stanislasky methods.
Wasn't the sequel actually 999,999 B.C.? I think he's thinking of the prequel,
in which Barney's father's father is turned towards the dark side.
--------------------------
From: [rgardner@charon.mit.edu]
Recent stories in the media have been giving us
a graphical picture of how the Earth's temperature
has varied over the last 250,000 years. Enormous
ups and downs. With temerature reversals coming
about over just a few decades--or less! But then,
during the last 10,000 year period we see a long
stretch where there was very little variation. It
shows almost a flat line for 10,000 years with about
the same temperatures we know today. Now, I don't
want to cause some sort of global panic here, but it
seems to me that this flat line temperature data is
the clearest evidence todate, that aliens visited the
Earth about 10,000 years ago and started terra-forming
this planet as some sort of summer vacation home. I
suggest the skeptics look at the enormous number of
mostly abandoned, but large and luxurious, homes and
boats on the planet! Don't say you weren't warned
when they show up and announce they are taking over
and everyone has to move out by the first of the
month.
--------------------------
From: Jon Luckey [luckey@rtfm.mlb.fl.us]
Operation Rescue gruppenfuher and ardent antiabortionist Randel
Terry has said that the floods in the midwest are the result of
God's wraith over 20 years of legal abortion in America.
Now while the idea does seem bizzare, I'll give him one thing.
Everyday along the Missippi, there are hundreds of people considering the
the decision of 'Row verses Wade'.
--------------------------
From: Rex Black [rex@iquery.iqsc.com]
] It seems to me that it ought to be possible to
] determine in some sort of fairly rigorous/statistical
] way whether or not Tv and violence are related.
It's been done. We have a control group, thanks to the South African
gov't, which decided early in the TV era that TV was bad for
people--especially white people actively involved in oppressing
black people--so they banned it. Completely. Up until a few years ago,
there was NO TV in South Africa. Now, South Africa, like America, has
fairly liberal (in the true meaning of the term) gun laws. The laws
remain fairly liberal. However, with the advent of progressive white
gov't, South Africans now enjoy TV as well as the steady unraveling of
the social fabric. The result has been a clear increase in violence
when compared to Canada (which has strict gun control) and the USA
(which has less-strict gun control than Canada and SA).
I have yet to hear anyone refute the study.
--------------------------
From: "The Rt. Rev. Wor. Dr. Y. Foo" [dryfoo@mit.edu]
Subj: learned a new word today...
Aibohphobia: n. the fear of palindromes.
--------------------------
From: Eric Haines [erich@eye.com]
]From somewhere on the net (and if you've read it before you have my permission
not to read it again).
]From pg 19. of the January 10, Washington Business section of the
Washington Post
NOT THE APPLE OF HIS EYE
Famed scientist Carl Sagan apparently didn't cotton to Apple
Computer Inc.'s having borrowed his name for an [sic] new
computer.
After receiving a complaint from Sagan, Apple changed the
internal code name of an upcoming model from "Carl Sagan" to
"Butt-Head Astronomer," the San Francisco Chronicle reported.
The scientist asked the company to stop using his name after an
article about the new model appeared in MacWeek magazine, the
newspaper said.
The Butt-Head Astronomer--referred to as BHA for short--is one of
three Apple models that will use the PowerPC microprocessor, which
was developed by an alliance of Apple, Motorola Inc. and
International Business Machines, Corp.
--------------------------
From: Eric Haines [erich@eye.com]
]From the Christian Science Monitor, Jan 25 1994, p. 13.
People With Absurd Claims Seek Out This Texas County
Austin, Texas: America's Queen of Torts - that is the title Texas has earned
because of the growth of litigation here...
[...stuff deleted...]
When it comes to lawsuits, Matagorda County is to Texas what Texas is to the
world. Juries are so generous that plaintiffs go to great lengths to find a
pretext to sue there. Businesses have gone to even greater lengths to avoid
the county. After $10 million in lawsuit losses, Southern Pacific Railroad
removed its tracks there.
Everyone, it seems, wants a piece of the action. When a truck rammed a school
bus, killing 21 children, the truck driver, seven volunteer firefighters called
to the scene, a police officer, and a bystander were among those filing more
than 100 lawsuits.
Litigation costs Texas $25 billion each year, yet less than half of every
liability dollar goes to the injured party, according to Citizens Against
Lawsuit Abuse. Legal costs eat up the rest.
--------------------------
]From: an31984@anon.penet.fi (The Warren Commission)
The Whitewater scandal has claimed it's first casualty today as First Lady
Hillary Rodham Clinton announced she would resign, effective midnight
January 31, 1994. In a shocking statement, delivered to the National
Press Club, Mrs. Clinton stated, "There is much work to be done and I
don't mean to imply that it is nearly finished. But I feel that the
questions surrounding the Whitewater investigation overshadow the hard
work and committment of those trying to do whatever it is they're trying
to do in this administration. I quit. I'm finished. Good-bye." The often
rambling statement went on for nearly 20 minutes, in which Mrs. Clinton
made frequent references to Joan of Arc and Lorena Bobbitt, and finally
concluded with the statement, "How sad you'll all be when you don't have
Hillary to kick around anymore."
When asked if she were being forced out, Mrs. Clinton responded with,
"None of your beeswax, Miss Nosey Parker!"
President Clinton, out jogging, could not be reached for comment, neither
could First Daughter Chelsea. However, when questioned by ABC's Sam
Donaldson, Socks the First Cat gave made an emotional plea for
understanding, saying tearfully, "You people just don't understand.
You're animals. No, you're worse than animals. They don't eat their
own."
As a result of Mrs. Clinton's resignation, it is expected that First
Mistress Gennifer Flowers will assume the responsibilities Mrs. Clinton
leaves behind.
It is not known what Mrs. Clinton's future plans will be. Though she made
a veiled reference to her past as a performance artist in New York's
Greenwich Village, sources close to the First Lady claimed she was just
being nostalgic.
Chief Justice Earl Warren
--------------------------
]From kkoller@nyx10.cs.du.edu Fri Dec 24 13:30:08 MST 1993
The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it
was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.
On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I
need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is
a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person.
I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to
worry about people getting pissed at me.
ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."
IT: "Is that it?"
ME: "Yep."
IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"
ME: "No, it's *to* *go*." [I hate effort duplication.]
At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it
kind of funny and
IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The
following conversation occurs between the two of them.
IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
MG: "No. A what?"
IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL." [my emp]
IT: "Yeah, thought so."
He comes back to me and says
IT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
IT: "I don't know."
ME: "See here where it says legal tender?"
IT: "Yeah."
ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?"
IT: "Well, hang on a sec."
He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to
shoplift, and
IT: "He says I have to take it."
MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."
MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE." [my emp]
IT: "What should I do?"
MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."
IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
MG: "Just tell him."
IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."
The manager approaches me and says
MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [it was 8pm and
this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100
other stores.]
ME: "Well, here's a two."
MG: "We don't take *those* either."
ME: "Why the hell not?"
MG: "I think you *know* why."
ME: "No really, tell me, why?"
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME: "Excuse me?"
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME: "What the hell for?"
MG: "Please, sir."
ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
MG: "Would you please just leave?"
ME: "No."
MG: "Fine, have it your way then."
ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone
around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area,
and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this
45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a
whisper]
SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
MG: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."
SG: "Really? What?"
MG: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill."
SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous]
MG: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is
a fifty."
SG: "So, the fifty's fake?"
MG: "NO, the $2 is."
SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
SG: "Yeah..."
Security guard walks over to me and says
SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
ME: "Uh, no."
SG: "Lemme see 'em."
ME: "Why?"
SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"
At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so
I said
ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a
swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands,
and says
SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
MG: "It's fake."
SG: "It doesn't look fake to me."
MG: "But it's a **$2** bill."
SG: "Yeah?"
MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"
The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it
dawned on the guy that he had no clue.
My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon
things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see
what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of
people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food.
--------------------------
]From: megatest!bldg2fs1!sfisher@uu2.psi.com (Scott Fisher)
Six or seven years ago, I worked with a fellow with the very British
name of Ken Appleby. He had a Spitfire, I had my '74 B, and we used
to motor out to Pickwick's Pub and throw darts after work on occasion.
Ken used to work for Lucas in the UK, specifically for a division
of Lucas that did military electronics. My favorite of his stories
was about the time he had been working on a computer-controlled
torpedo. It used magnetic core memory to store the programs, which
had the advantage of being very non-volatile as well as not susceptible
to EMP discharge.
So Ken got to ride on the boat for the first test of the torpedo that
used the computer with his program in it. Somewhere out in the North
Sea, on an R. N. cutter, Ken and his crew launched the first ever run
of this new weapon, and Ken learned a new respect for debugging...
The program was supposed to make the torpedo shoot off the boat, dive
to a depth at which it couldn't be easily detected, then circle
toward the target, climb to striking depth, and hit the target. There
were on-board sensors to detect sea level, and the torpedo was supposed
to travel at a preset distance below sea level, with constant feedback
keeping it on track.
Somehow, somewhere, Ken had multiplied one of the 3D coordinates by
a negative number, and this error soon propagated through the
transformation matrix (the mathematical construct that models 3D
space), with predictable results.
Within instants of hitting the water, the torpedo -- instead of
sinking out of visible range -- blasted up and out from the water in
a great silver fountain, then continued skipping across the surface of
the blue like some sort of deranged wingless flying fish. Worse yet,
instead of circling toward the target, it circled all right, but began
to return to the ship that launched it. Fortunately it was not armed,
but they still detonated the self-destruct on it rather than let it
slice through their ship at 50 knots or whatever rate it travelled.
Because of the non-volatile core memory, Ken was able to debug the
program from what the Royal Navy frogmen could recover from it, and
he fixed the problem for Rev 2.0.
But I must admit that the image of the torpedo, splashing happily
above the surface of the water like an aroused porpoise, is one that
returns to me in idle moments such this. What else would a Lucas
torpedo do but try to fly?
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