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Date: Tue, 10 Jan 1995 11:08:57 -0800
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199501101908.LAA17169@netcom13.netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life C.L
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 8 Mar 94 12:08:00 PST (Tuesday)
Subject: Life C.L
The following was sifted out of alt.humor.best-of-usenet
which is moderated by: best@cc.ysu.edu
----------------------------------------------------
~Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
~From: renee@netcom.com (Renee)
~Subj: Kids at play
---Rock!
---Paper covers rock, Waldo.
---Damn.
---Paper!
---Scissors cut paper, Arthur.
---I know I know.
---Rock!
---Superluminal scissors.
---Huh?
---Never mind him, Waldo, you win.
---Rock crushes scissors into paste. I win, I win!
---These are superluminal scissors. You lose, big time.
---Huh?
---He doesn't know what he's talking about, Waldo. You can't win
rock paper scissors with a thought experiment.
---Bull. If a fist can be a rock, then these can be superluminal
scissors.
---Superluminal?
---He doesn't get it, Waldo. Even if the blades were a light-year
long, and your rock was somewhere out there, between them, and
he closed them, it would still take at least a year for the
message to propagate to the tips. Ask Mom.
--------------------------
From: derek@nezsdc.icl.co.nz (Derek Tearne)
from Derek's sig file:
Some of the more environmentally aware dinosaurs were worried about the
consequences of an accident with the new Iridium enriched fusion reactor.
"If it goes off only the cockroaches and mammals will survive..." they said.
--------------------------
From: tomb@bedford.progress.com (Tom Barringer)
Ellie Aghili (aghili@bcarh171.bnr.ca) wrote:
: ********** MOVING SALE ******** MOVING SALE ******** MOVING SALE ******
[snip]
: - Ikea book case (white, 120m X 50cm ...................$ 30.00
[snip]
:
: AND LOTS MORE, CALL FOR MORE INFORMATION
That's a helluva long bookcase!
--------------------------
From: kschnitz@encore.com (Kevin Schnitzius)
psicop@pipeline.com (Riley G) writes:
]Yes I did, but remember the Phone traps I have on my phones.
I believe phone trapping is illegal in NY unless you use those
humane traps that don't cause phones to chew through their own
cords to get away.
--------------------------
From: fchloupe@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Frank R Chloupek)
Tim Pierce [twpierce@unix.amherst.edu] wrote:
]Is it tacky to put my e-mail address under my snail-mail address on my
]resume?
]
Well, I have it on my business cards, so I would think it would be alright
to put it on your resume.
Unless you don't want people saying, "Oh, you're *that* Tim Pierce." :-)
--------------------------
From: Steve Pope (spp@zabriskie.eecs.berkeley.edu)
Mike (mkpavek@tiny.computing.csbsju.edu) writes:
] Does anyone know of a good adult internet?
Surely this qualifies for the "malformed question
of the week" award.
--------------------------
From: Joel Furr [jfurr@acpub.duke.edu]
From: vacsc02n@vax.csun.edu (snopes)
Now, I used to have a "friend" who engaged in the delightful hobby of sending
anything and everything obtainable via U.S. Mail on a "bill me later" basis to
my post office box, suitably addressed to some famous historical figure or
movie star. For reasons that were never made clear to me, the post office
would refuse to hand over to me any mail that was addressed to a dead person,
while mail for equally famous (and just as obviously not me) living persons was
somehow acceptable. Every day the box clerk sorted through my mail as she
handed me the typical box overflow, calling out "George Washington -- no,
Thomas Jefferson -- no, Candice Bergan -- okay, Lucille Ball -- oops, you just
missed this one" (Ms. Ball had died a week or so earlier). One day I received
a little yellow slip in my box telling me there was a package (a box of CDs from
a new Columbia House enrollment, as it turned out) addressed to one "Al K.
Bong" waiting for me to claim. The name was a pun on the old QuickDraw McGraw
character El Cabong, but the notable scholars temporarily in the employ of the
Postal Service did not discover the ruse. Instead, the studious box clerk
glanced at the package and said, "Al K. Bong? Who's that?" Before I could
form a reasonable response, she declared, "Oh, Al Capone! Is he still alive?"
Eager to obtain yet another box of free compact discs, I hastily replied, "Yes,
I think so." She stood still momentarily, a puzzled look on her face, and then
quickly called a huddle with the other clerks to settle the matter. I don't
recall their final decision, but I think I did end up with the CDs.
--------------------------
From: garison@hns.com
Newsgroups: alt.culture.hawaii
From: gerard@soest.hawaii.edu (Gerard Fryer)
In article [CJMrED.EMs@news.Hawaii.Edu], bob@kahala.soest.hawaii.edu (Bob Cunningham) writes:
|]
|] The state's top police officers and attoryneys general will propose
|] a ban on almost all handgun sales to the legislature.
|]
Yup, the specter of legislators with handguns is really chilling...
--------------------------
From: acb@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (Andrew Bulhak)
From: ig25@fg70.rz.uni-karlsruhe.de (Thomas Koenig)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers
Peter da Silva (peter@sugar.NeoSoft.COM) wrote in article [2gpb7u$ed8@sugar.NeoSoft.COM]:
]At least for one version of DOS, it said:
] Insert floppy in drive C:
I've had that happen to me when running TeX without a
FILES=20
line in CONFIG.SYS. This has to be one of the most confusing error
messages of all time ;-)
--------------------------
From: Pete Young [pyoung@fmg.bt.co.uk]
From: dtansik@bpa.arizona.edu
Newsgroups: rec.scuba
Okay, my tongue is firmly pressed against my cheek............
REMARKABLE BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY
OWN YOUR OWN DIVE SHOP!!!!
You now have the opportunity to get in on the ground (so to speak) floor
of a remarkable business opportunity. Developers are now planning the
new Vista del Mar residential and business area in Yuma, Arizona.
Located just across the Colorado River from California, Yuma is
well-positioned on Arizona's soon to be West Coast. Many believe that
when THE BIG ONE does hit, the Yuma area will become the new southwest
corner of the U.S. What an opportunity to buy your property now and
have YOUR new DIVE SHOP up and running, ready for this great opportunity!
COMPARE PROPERTY PRICES IN LOS ANGELES AND YUMA! Where else can you
buy (potential) ocean front property at these low, low prices?
Call 602-555-DIVE and find out just how YOU can realize your dreams
and own your own Pacific Ocean dive shop at low, low prices you will
never again see in this lifetime. Operators are standing by!
--------------------------
From: spencer@rogue.princeton.edu (S. Spencer Sun)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.current
From: andy@pemcom.demon.co.uk
In article [1994Jan15.093102.1@kean.ucs.mun.ca] dlbutler@kean.ucs.mun.ca writes:
]In article [1994Jan12.122553.3673@Princeton.EDU], vikasa@phoenix.Princeton.EDU
]] how old is wesley supposed to be in the first season of TNG?
]According to the first casting call in 1986, Wesley was supposed to
]be an "appealing 15 year old".
Ah, that explains it. Wil obviously misread the brief and thought he had to
be an "appalling 15 year old".
--------------------------
From: acb@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (Andrew Bulhak)
From: ig25@fg70.rz.uni-karlsruhe.de (Thomas Koenig)
Mike Dahmus (mike@schleppo.bocaraton.ibm.com) wrote in article [CJxzvw.rwD@sernews.raleigh.ibm.com]:
]I asked you that, if linux is so wonderful, why so many people still have DOS
]partitions.
Lemmings.
--------------------------
From: phayes@tamu.edu (Pat Hayes)
From: a_rubin@dsg4.dse.beckman.com (Arthur Rubin)
In [2i3vau$e43@news.duke.edu] rcml@acpub.duke.edu (Robert Lonon) writes:
]I'm looking for a utility that will slow down my 486 enough that
]I can run some of the older games I've got that are simply
]too fast to play on a 486. Does anyone out there know
]of a site I could download such a program from?
Windows. :-)
--------------------------
From: David Savitt [dsavitt@unixg.ubc.ca]
From: larpjb@selway.umt.edu (Philip J Bowman)
Seen on the net somewhere:
Hear that Troy Aikman bought some land outside of Buffalo. He was quoted as
saying, "When I retire, I want to get as far away from professional football
as possible."
--------------------------
From: nola@cats.ucsc.edu
For the unitiated, YKYAPW is an acronym for You Know You're a Parent
When.... and what follows is something that the poster never would
have dreamed of doing before he or she had kids.
From: gavin@summer.cv.com (Dave Gavin)
Subject: YKYAPW
First a little background: Dave is six and is in first grade. His teacher gives
lots of homework and Dave was sick two days last week so last night he had
around ten pages of homework.
Last night Dave and I sat down and he did every page. (amazing how fast kids
can go from only knowing how to read/spell their own name to reading/writing
a lot more). We then put the papers in his backpack and hung it over the back
of a kitchen chair. The backpack was open so I wouldnt forget to put his lunch
box in.
Fast forward to six a.m.
I am roused out of my slumber by the sound of my wife saying "BAD GIRL
BAD GIRL" . The only other females in the house are the dog and the cat.
I get up and go out to see whats wrong and YOU GUESSED IT, The dog pulled
all of Daves homework out of the backpack and ate it. Two pages were salvagable.
You Know you are a parent when you have to write this note:
Dear Ms. Gould,
please excuse Dave not having his homework this morning....
The Dog Ate It....
--------------------------
From: Jim Jewett [jimj@eecs.umich.edu]
From: bcash@bnr.ca (Brian Cash)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Poker night
[Order] Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
[Chaos] I am here, but my opposite is you.
[Order] Huh?
[Evil] Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.
[Truth] My opposite is not here.
[Good] Is your opposite "Lies"?
[Truth] My opposite is "Void". He couldn't make it.
[Evil] ]snicker[ Figures!
[Order] Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!
[Evil] Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
[Good] I have the cards.
[Evil] I've got the chips.
[Truth] I have the beer.
[Chaos] I have the cards!
[Order] Shut up.
...
[Order] Whose deal is it?
[Evil] Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
[Truth] It is Good's deal.
[Good] OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild.
[Evil] How can anyone win if everything is wild?
[Good] No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
[Order] I like this game.
[Evil] This is pointless.
[Truth] It is time to deal.
[Good] Here we go! Your bet, Truth.
[Truth] Five.
[Order] Five and raise you five.
[Evil] Don't you morons get it? It doesn't matter how much you bet!
[Order] I like ten better.
[Evil] ]sigh[ Call.
[Chaos] I fold.
[Evil] YOU CAN'T LOSE!
[Chaos] I still fold.
[Good] OK, I'll call. How many, Truth?
[Evil] What's the point in taking more cards?
[Truth] I will keep the cards I have.
[Order] I will take two.
[Evil] Why?!?
[Order] I didn't like those.
[Evil] None for me.
[Chaos] I'll take six.
[Good] Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets?
[Evil] Oh, just get this over with.
[Order] But now we have to bet!
[Evil] Any money you put in, you're just gonna get back!
[Truth] I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards.
[Truth] I have five aces.
[Order] I have five ace of spades.
[Chaos] I have a three.
[Good] Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win.
[Evil] Hold it, bub. Six aces, read'em and weep.
[Good] Where did you get that card?
[Truth] He stole it from Chaos.
[Evil] You know the rules, boys. The pot's mine.
[Good] That was a stupid game.
[Order] Whose deal is it?
[Truth] The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals.
[Chaos] Whee!
[all but Chaos] ]groan[
[Chaos] Eleven card stud-hold'em with threes, eights, jacks, and
kings wild...fives count as fours, fours count as nines,
and queens don't count unless there is a prime numbered
spade showing...
[Order] I fold...
--------------------------
From: Joel Furr [jfurr@acpub.duke.edu]
From: stankow@aludra.usc.edu (George Stankow)
Newsgroups: alt.shenanigans
Subject: Spur-of-the-moment thing
Yesterday, a bonehead friend of mine needed me to drive him to a
sheriff's station in some random L.A. County community to get back
his impounded car (note: if you ever let your tags AND insurance
expire while driving on a suspended license, don't let them catch
you speeding). I agreed on the condition he buy me lunch. We hit
a Mickey D's en route, and I just barely had time to wolf down my
double Quarter Pounder before arriving at said sheriff's station.
As I watched my friend go in (I had a book I needed to finish for a
class and figured it would be quieter in my car), I looked down at
the McD's bag and saw that I had not yet eaten my fries.
Flash.
I walked into the station and, without acknowledging my friend, put
the box on the desk, stepped back and said,
"Hail, officer of the peace. I bring you fries."
And walked out.
My friend said the hardest thing he's ever done is avoid laughing his
head off as the deputy looked at them, called in another deputy, with
whom he debated the wisdom of eating said fries and finally sent them
to the back room with the other deputy to toss them into a biowaste
container.
He might as well have busted up -- they didn't release his car.
--------------------------
From: gheim@eng.auburn.edu (Greg Heim)
Subject: alt.test FAQ
This message is pseudo-automatically posted monthly to inform new
readers and remind old readers what alt.test is all about. It was
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---
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misspell
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phenolphthalein
3) Am I pregnant?
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