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From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199501121856.KAA24013@netcom13.netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life C.M
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 28 Mar 94 17:20:45 PST (Monday)
Subject: Life C.M
The following selections are from a mailing list run by:
Mark D Baushke [mdb@cisco.com]
Submissions go to: mdb-humor@cisco.com
For List additions/deletions to: mdb-humor-request@cisco.com
----------------------------------------------------
From: Timothy.Cramer@eng.sun.com (Timothy Cramer)
The thought of acquiring Sun Microsystems Inc has occurred to
DEC, one of its vice presidents told us.
and on the lighter side...
Burglars in Holland were disturbed by police as they loaded a
Sparcstation 10 pizza box stolen from a Sun Microsystems Inc
customer service lab into their getaway car. The thieves
eventually eluded police in the ensuing chase by throwing the
Sparcstation out of the window at some 60 mph. The Sparcstation's
top was ripped off and some of its plastic melted on impact with
the pavement, but Sun says when it was returned to the lab and
hooked up to a monitor the thing booted-up the first time.
--------------------------
Heard on the radio this morning:
At Stoneridge Mall last night Police were called because sounds of movement were
heard coming from a car trunk in the parking lot.
When the Police arrived they also heard the noises, but there was no definite
response to their calls "If you can hear us, knock."
A bystander who spoke Spanish gave it a try, there was an immediate "Knock,
Knock."
The Police then popped the lock, only to find one of those new motorised bouncy
balls.
They left a note explaining the situation, but no one has called in to complain
yet.
--------------------------
From: connie.davis@amail.amdahl.com
A woman sued the manufacturers of 'The Clapper' (you know..... that stupid,
noise sensitive thing that turns your appliances on/off when you clap your
hands) because she claimed she hurt her hands by clapping so much! She said
the appliance didn't turn on/off so she kept clapping and eventually broke a
bone in her hand or something.
Anyway, the judge threw her out on her ear. "You should have turned the
sensitivity button up" the judge said. *Whack!* NEXT CASE!
Ya just gotta love our legal system!
--------------------------
From: pault@stonehenge.nextwave.com (pault)
Sports commentators can get carried away sometimes.... David Coleman, a
famed English sports commentator, seems to get carried away more than most -
here are some of his best moments.
1. That's the fastest time ever run - but it's not as fast as the world
record.
2. Don't tell those coming in the final result of that fantastic match, but
let's just have another look at Italy's winning goal.
3. For those of you watching who do not have television sets, live
commentary is on Radio 2.
4. This is a truly international field, no Britons involved.
5. Both of the Villa scorers - Withe and Mortimer - were born in Liverpool
as was the Villa manager Ron Saunders who was born in Birkenhead.
6. He's 31 this year - last year he was 30.
7. He won the bronze medal in the 1976 Olympics so he's used to being out
in front.
8. We estimate, and this isn't an estimation, that Greta Waltz is 80 seconds
behind.
10. The late start is due to the time.
11. He's got his hands on his knees and holds his head in despair.
12. He's even smaller in real life than he is on the track.
13. This could be a repeat of what will happen in the European games next
week.
14. It's a battle with himself and with the ticking fingers of the clock.
15. Here are some names to look forward to - perhaps in the future.
16. In the Moscow Olympics Lasse Viren came in fifth and ran a champions race.
17. He just can't believe what's not happening to him.
18. One of the great unknown champions because very little is known about him.
19. There'll be only one winner now - in every sense.
20. He is accelerating all the time. The last lap was run in 64 seconds and
the one before that in 62.
--------------------------
From: Michael Wallis [mwallis@wwg.com]
THE GOVERNMENT'S 23rd PSALM
The Government is my shepherd, I shall not work.
It maketh me to lie down on good jobs.
It leadeth me beside the still factories. It destroyeth my initiative;
It leadeth me in the paths of the parasite for politics sake;
Yea, though I walk in the valley of Deficit Spending, I will fear no evil,
For the Government is with me; its doles and its vote-getters
they comfort me.
It prepareth an Economic Utopia for me by appropriating the earnings
of my grandchildren.
It filleth my head with baloney, my inefficiency runneth over;
Surely the Government shall care for me all the days of my life
And I shall live in a Fool's Paradise forever.
-author unknown-
--------------------------
From: Timothy.Cramer@eng.sun.com (Timothy Cramer)
"Al Gore is so boring that his Secret Serice code name is Al Gore." - Al Gore
--------------------------
From: "Amy L. Ward" [cecalw@GWUNIX2.GWU.EDU]
A woman approached the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter asked for her social
security number. The woman told him, and Saint Peter typed on his workstation:
pearly-gates:~/peter] grep 212-53-6432 /earth/human/status
The computer responded:
212-53-6432 Cindy Smith cms@dragon.com!earth naughty
pearly-gates:~/peter]
Saint Peter then told her she was eternally damned, and that a minivan to hell
would be arriving shortly.
Cindy began to protest "but what did I do wrong? I loved my fellow neighbor
as I loved myself, I was a kind, warm, gentle person! Surely there must be a
mistake!"
So, Saint Peter looked up on the files, and saw, lo and behold that she truly
was a kind, warm, gentle person...until he saw the entry for jan 7, 1992-earth,
which read:
***DAMNABLE VIOLATION #69*** Posted irrelevent article to newsgroup.
After probing a little more, Saint Peter explained to the woman "It seems that
on Janurary 7, 1992 you posted an article to Alt.religion.computers. This
article gave no praise of Emacs, no snide remarks toward Microsoft, and not
even a comment on the proper definition of 'hacker'! In fact, the article
was not even relating to computers at all, and discussed, of all things,
human religion! There wasn't even a reference to Bob or Discordianism, Zen,
or the Tao of programming. Oh dear, this is terrible."
"You see, heaven is a perfect place, and we only have room for the most
perfect people. Ever since we ran the T-3 line up from New Jersey we've been
particularly harsh on breakers of netettiquite. Didn't you read RFC-23654?
The one proposing commandments 11 through 15?"
He opened up an XTerm window and searched for some files. After a few
moments, the laser printer spat out a crisp sheet of paper. It read:
11: Thou shalt not flame spelling or grammer.
12: Thou shalt not have a .sig file longer than 3 lines.
13: Thou shalt not send "All fags must die" messages to 19 random groups.
14: Thou shalt not request post a frequently asked question.
15: Thou shalt not post to a group without first reading a week's worth of
posts, thereby avoiding irrelevent articles.
16: Thou shall not post administrative requests to the main list.
When she was done, she began to stammer, but Saint Peter stopped her, saying
"I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do. To register a complaint, you'll have
to send mail to status-change-request@godvax.heaven.com. We have a group of
cherubum who manage such requests. But don't send it to status-change@godvax.
heaven.com, otherwise your request will be distribute to the whole mailing
list. They *hate* that! In fact, there's some discussion about making that
the 16th commandment..."
At that point, a Dodge minivan drove up and came to a stop. Satan, in the
form of an IBM salesperson, stepped out. "Welcome!", she said. "We've been
waiting for you..." Cindy, almost in a trance, stepped into the minivan
and was wisked away to the netherworld, a world of COBOL, System 36's, punch
cards, incompatible network standards, and irresponsible news posters.
Satan turned to Cindy, and smiled. "You'll like it here", she said, "We have
netnews, but we've greatly simplified it. We have only one group, it's
alt.talk.sci.comp.soc.rec.misc!"
--------------------------
Newsgroups: comp.protocols.tcp-ip
Subj: FORTCOMING INTERNET BOOKS
FORTHCOMING INTERNET BOOKS
The initial dribble of Internet books has become a torrent, and few
of us have the energy (or interest) to keep up with them. As a
service to the Net, we are providing the following sneak-previews of
books due for release in early April, 1994:
LeVitus, Bob and Morris, Robert. Stupid Internet Tricks. Hayden,
Carmel, Indiana, 1994.
Thirty-Seven really annoying things you can do on the Internet, by
the author of Stupid Mac Tricks, Stupid PC Tricks, and Incredibly
Stupid PC Tricks. Includes complete source code for an updated
version of the Internet worm, as well as the full text of a CERT
advisory written especially for this book.
Kapor, Mitch. A Thousand and One Ways that You Can Save the Internet.
EFF, Washington, DC, 1994.
From recycling your IP address to "just saying no" to the clipper
chip, this book is your guide to the little things you can do to save
the Internet.
Gore, Albert. Internet in the Balance. Forward by Tracy LaQuey
Parker.
Another tour de force by the Vice President, who in this book
develops a convincing case for a linkage between the problem of
global warming and the depletion of the IP address space. If the
current growth in Internet books continues, the Vice President
predicts that by the year 2001, every human on earth will have
written a book on the Internet, and the resulting deforestation will
have resulted in an environmental catastrophe.
Hahn, Harley. The Complete Harley Hahn, Osborne/McGraw Hill, 1994.
Forward by Harley Hahn.
"The most complete book on Harley Hahn ever written." - Harley Hahn
Another thorough treatment from the self-congratulatory author of A
Student's Guide to UNIX. Comes with clip-out coupons for Harley Hahn
posters, coffee mugs, and memorabilia. Reviews of this book are
regularly posted to misc.books.technical by (who else?) Harley Hahn.
Leech, Robin. Internet Addresses of the Rich and Famous.
Did you know that Barbara Streisand resided for a while at
128.57.147.10? That Todd Rundgren briefly inhabited the "data
cottage" at 192.100.148.10? That the Sun IPC at 128.64.125.74 resides
on a luxurious yacht? This book is your guide to IP addresses of the
rich and famous.
Smolan, Rick. Riding the Internet Camel. Against all Odds
Productions, 1994.
In this photo essay, Rick Smolan convincingly compares using the
Internet to riding a camel across the Australian outback. Like the
Internet, the Camel provides somewhat uncomfortable transportation.
And, like the Internet, camels behave somewhat unpredictably at
times, and are easier to deal with once you "get over the hump."
Discussion of this book is found in alt.internet.analogies.camel.
Stern, Howard. Internet for Jerks. Howard Sams, 1994.
Now in its twentieth week on the New York Times Best seller list,
Howard Stern's comprehensive guide to the Internet for the
sensitivity challenged appears to have hit a responsive chord.
Twain, Mark. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Internet Edition,
Howard Sams, 1994. Forward by Dr. Vinton Cerf.
The classic adventure story brought up to date; our heroes travel
down a virtual "data river" in search of adventure.
--------------------------
]From Thomas_M_Cronin@ccm.ch.intel.com
]From young children, about Love
==========
CONCERNING THE ORIGINS OF LOVE
"One of the Greek lady gods got a crush on one of the Greek man gods. He
tried to hit her with lightning and thunderbolts, but he just couldn't
get her away from him ... After a while, they became the first married gods."
Robbie, age 8
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has
freckles too."
Andrew, age 6
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with
how you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
Mae, age 9
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
John, age 9
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want
to do it. It takes too long."
Glenn, age 7
ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family,
it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
Anita C., age 8
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like
anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
Brian, age 7
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
Christine, age 9
REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE
"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty
good too."
Greg, age 8
HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?
"Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails
nearly as much."
Arnold, age 10
"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they
don't get up for at least an hour."
Wendy, age 8
"All of a sudden, the people get fever movies so they can sit together
in the dark."
Sherm, age 8
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid
good money for them."
Gavin, age 8
"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the
aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."
John, age 9
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is
on television."
Jill, age 6
"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime."
Floyd, age 9
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been
trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
Dave, age 8
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
Regina, age 10
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
Del, age 6
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
Alonzo, age 9
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she
likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
Bart, age 9
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