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Date: Tue, 17 Jan 1995 07:36:05 -0800
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Message-Id: [199501171536.HAA15999@netcom7.netcom.com]
To: JWry.dl@netcom.com
Subject: Life C.N
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
---------------
Date: 30 Mar 94 12:11:50 PST (Wednesday)
Subject: Life C.N
The following are from the humor list:
HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu (Or HUMOR@uga.bitnet)
To add yourself send to LISTSERV@UGA.bitnet the command
SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname, as the first line in the message
----------------------------------------------------
From: Elizabeth Bolyard [BOLYAR_E@CC.DENISON.EDU]
a professor of mine told me a story of the missouri state legislature in 1905
trying to elect 2 senators before their session ran out (this was pre 17th
amendment when senators were chosen by the state legislatures)...it was
nearing 11 pm on the last day of the session, and the legislature had not yet
agreed on the senators...the republicans moved to stop the clock so that the
day would not end (this was and is commonly done to give more time)...the
democrats refused and a verbal fight ensued...then, one republican produced a
ladder and leaned it up against the clock...the democrats pulled him down
before he could tamper with it and then proceded to pitch the ladder out the
window...then fist fights broke out...the representatives were wrestling and
fighting...throwing ink bottles at one another, and at the innocent
clock...then the republicans began winging law books at the clock while the
desks were being torn free from the floor and thrown at the
representatives...finally, at 5 minutes until midnight, the poor clock gave
way to the onslaught and stopped...
--------------------------
From: SKR2@PSUADMIN.BITNET
Mount Lebanon, PA --Since he put a $35,000 violin in the mail and it
disappeared, musician Bernardo Katz feels like he's been strung along
by the U.S. Postal Service.
The instrument was shipped by Express Mail three weeks ago. It never
arrived at the Connecticut address he put on the package.
"They don't know where it went to, they don't know where it is. They
don't know anything," the suburban Pittsburgh man said. "The only thing
we know is that it's probably on the planet."
--------------------------
From: Jerry Carson [jcarson@MCGH.ORG]
I attended my college Abnormal Psychology final wearing a clown
costume. Halfway into the exam a small alarm clock (in my pocket)
went off. I put my exam aside, and produced from my many pockets and
hiding places a small lunch, consisting of a sandwich, chips and
juice. After a lesuirely lunch, I rested a few minutes before
returning to the exam. I got an A.
--------------------------
From: Tom Welbers [twelbers@PEPPERDINE.EDU]
Headline in same day's Times' Metro Section (I'm not kidding!):
"OFFICIAL SAYS ISRAEL IS 'SAFE LIKE L.A.'"
"Only in L.A." column, same day, tells of a West L.A. auto-detailing
shop that advertises: "We now custom-design compartments for concealed
weapons." (Is that funny or what . . .?)
--------------------------
From: Wendell E Gragg [wgragg@TENET.EDU]
I teach in a computer lab in an elementary school and today one of my 3rd
graders produced a gem. As he was inserting the disk into an Apple drive,
he said, "Open wide and say ahhh!" I got a kick out of it anyway.
--------------------------
From: JOHN STONE [JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL]
Subj: CLEAN DEFINITION
LAN MASS: THE WEIGHT OF YOUR NETWORK MANAGER.
--------------------------
From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" [MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK]
Extracts from "Only in Hong Kong" by Nury Vittachi from his
newspaper column Lai See, which published stuff sent in by
readers:
toy store; "STUFF SANTA CLAUSE"
on a piece of paper: "Rush fiercely along the periods"
(presumably a literal translation of "Tear along the dotted line".
sign on a South Pacific airline door: "EMERGENCY EXIT Crew Use Only"
On an Indian restaurant: "WE NEVER CLOSE! Business Hours: 12.00-
2.30pm 6.00-10.30pm"
Advertisement for an assistant architect: "CAD is preferred but
not essential"
Outside a watch shop: "Our watches go fast."
--------------------------
From: Ann Smith [ABSMITH@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU]
When baseball great Ty Cobb was 70, a reporter asked him, "What do you
think you'd hit if you were playing in this era?"
Cobb, a lifetime .367 hitter, said, "About .290, maybe .300."
The reporter nodded. "That's because of the travel, the night games,
the artificial turf and all the new pitches like the slider, right?"
"No," said Cobb, "it's because I'm 70."
--------------------------
From: Dana Goodrich [dgoodrich@METRO.MCCNEB.EDU]
In an earlier life in Texas, the topics of humor often turned to "How hot
was it?" Of all I've heard, my favorite was "It was so hot, I saw a robin
use a potholder to pull a worm out of the ground."
Now that I'm a neo-Plainsman, Nebraska-variety, I understandably hear more
"How cold was it?" jokes. Given my distaste for barratry, my favorite is:
"It's so cold lawyers are keeping their hands in their own pockets."
--------------------------
From: Jennifer Lee Dockstader [jldock@MAIL.WM.EDU]
I started student teaching about a week ago, so I'm now getting
up at the ungodly hour of 5:30 a.m. To keep me company, I turn on
the local TV (WAVY TV 10 from Norfolk, VA) news show while I'm getting
ready to go to school. Our weatherman has what he call "Your Guess"
trivia questions every day, and sometime last week he was talking
about the best way to store bananas. It turned out that, according to
his trivia book, if one places one's bananas in the refrigerator, they
will keep for up to two weeks. Well, he tried it, and a couple of
days later, told the viewing audience that this didn't actually work --
the banana got all brown and mushy. (Bear with me, I know it's kind
of a long set-up.)
So, anyway, yesterday, this weatherman comes on and says he has
the real scoop -- he KNOWS the best way to store bananas now because
someone called and told him. He said the BEST way to store bananas
was to keep them in the fridge in a paper bag, and he justified this
scientifically: bananas are ripened by light, and placing them in a
paper bag would block out the light, thus keeping them longer. I
heard this and kind of nodded, and didn't really think anything of
it...until after the commercial break, when the weatherman came back
on and rather sheepishly told the audience that he had just gotten a
call from a viewer who reminded him that the light goes out when the
refrigerator door is closed!!
--------------------------
From: Clarity Hands [CLEAN@USCN.BITNET]
Subj: Humor: An effective law which has stood the test of time
If you need proof that man and kings could more effectively govern themselves
by incorporating the laws of God, read the following:
In 1404, English alchemists were forbidden to use their knowledge to create
precious metals. The compliance rate with this law has been fairly high.
--------------------------
From: David Christian [DCHRISTI@NDSUVM1.BITNET]
A few years ago, I was driving through Montana on my way to the coast, and I
read some of the strangest road signs I believe I've ever seen. Of course,
some of them led to interesting conversations...(when you're in the middle of
Montana at night, and you can't get any radio stations in, and the tape player
is busted, you need to talk to keep from falling asleep!) Anyway...here are
a few of the ones I remember...
"ROUGH PAVEMENT Interpretation: It's cheaper to put up a sign than it is
AHEAD" to rebuild the road...besides, it helps
our economy because it keeps the people
who do autorepairs in business.
"BEAR CANYON ROAD" This was an exit sign along the freeway, with the camping
"CAMPING" part underneath...one of those blue information signs. I
don't know about you, but if the place is called "BEAR
CANYON" it is most likely for a reason. I don't know if
I'd want to camp there...with my luck, a grizzly would
stumble across me in the night and think, "Cool, a burito
Once ya get past that dry stuff on the outside, they're
pretty tasty! Pass the salsa!"
And the last one, spanning the west bound lane of I-90, some 40 miles before
you hit Idaho...
"WELCOME TO MONTANA, DRIVE SAFELY"
It doesn't seem all that funny at first, until you realize you've pretty much
driven through the entire state at this point, and as I said, almost to Idaho.
Maybe the contractor had a faulty compass..."Hey, Gus, what's the Sun doing up
there to the north of us? It ain't suppose to be there!"
--------------------------
From: Bill [BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU]
"The World's Worst Puns" (Reader's Digest article, 7/82)
(Condensed from the book by John S. Crosbie)
Much has been written about helping plants to grow by playing music or
singing to them. Success has now been reported by a man who has been
experimenting with obscene fern calls.
Rabbit is a favorite dish in Paris. They raise them in the hutch back of
Notre Dame.
An inexperienced butcher in northern Canada was asked by a hunter to cut up
and package a huge moose. Never having seen one before, the young man
nonetheless managed to get it cut into pieces and to parcel and label the
obvious parts: steaks, chops, ribs, etc. He had a lot of pieces left over,
however, that he couldn't identify. So he parceled each of them as well
and marked them "Mooselaneous."
--------------------------
From: Love Gun [DSRADER@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU]
I don't remember all the details, but we also had a humorous incident
show up in the police blotter. A professor received a package, and then
became alarmed because he realized he wasn't expecting a package. So he
called security, who called the bomb squad, who evacuated the building,
stopped traffic on the adjacent street, and detonated the package with a
small explosive.
Complimentary textbooks went flying everywhere.
True story!
--------------------------
From: "Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437" [IRVINMJ@WSUVM1.CSC.WSU.EDU]
A tourist arriving at London's Heathrow International Airport was asked
what he thought of the IRA's mortar attacks on the airport. The tourist
replied, "Well, I'm from Miami, and I thought that was just a welcoming
salute!"
Told by Simon Hogarth (sp?) of the London Observer newspaper on
National Public Radio's Weekend Edition, Saturday, March 12, 1994.
--------------------------
From: David Christian [DCHRISTI@NDSUVM1.BITNET]
If you watched the Olympics, you may have seen a piece on the moose that live
throughout the country. While I lived there, I learned an interesting tidbit
of Norwegian driving laws. If you are in an area bracketed by Moose Crossing
signs (large triangluar signs with a picture of a Moose on them), and you hit
a moose with your vehicle, the insurance company does not have to compensate
you. Why? Because you were warned and should have been aware of the fact
that there were moose in the area!
That was background info for the funny stuff. Right down the road from the
school I attended, there was just such an area, and at one point the road
necks down to where only one vehicle can make it through. On each side of the
road are very high rock walls. One day, a man was driving his new (at the
time) 1990 Nissan along this road, and when he got to this spot, hit a moose.
To tell the truth, it was the moose that hit him. Fell over the cliff right
smack dab into the hood of his car. Totalled the car, but the moose walked
away. The insurance company says they won't pay, but the case goes to court
soon. Can't you just hear Perry Mason with this one? "Paul, I want you to
get as much as you can on that Moose. See if he had a history of falling over
cliffs or bungee jumping."
--------------------------
From: Tim Biddle [tim@TBIDDLE.NAWC-AD-INDY.NAVY.MIL]
On the way home from Basic Training about 10 years ago, my parents and I stopped
at a rest area somewhere in Virgina/Tennesee, I am not sure exactly where. We
saw two signs side by side that looked like this:
+-----------+
| |
| RESTROOMS |
| |----------+
| -----] | |
| | |
| | PLEASE |
+-----------+ USE |
| SIDEWALK |
| |
+----------+
It was so funny, I took a picture, and I still have it.
--------------------------
From: "Musat, Bob" [bmusat%oscs@IBM4381.ONET.EDU]
one is on the highway, and the other no longer exists:
just inside the michigan border, coming up from ohoho:
state prison ahead:
do not pick up hitchhikers!
--------------------------
From: Tom Purcell [GE0110@SIUCVMB.BITNET]
When I was growing up in southern Illinois, just W of my hometown,
on Illinois route 149, was a sign proclaiming....
WATER ON PAVEMENT IN HEAVY RAIN
I always wondered how they knew where to put the sign.
--------------------------
From: "Jeff Fowler" [fowler@PALRES.DNET.SANDOZ.COM]
Have you guys heard about Webster Hubbell, until yesterday the 3rd-in-
command at the justice department? Seems he was forced to resign
yesterday, so that he could concentrate on countering charges that he
over-billed the government when representing a failed savings-and-loan
institution, while a lawyer in Arkansas. I gather that the problem he
faces is an investigation by the American Bar Association, who demand to
know why he only billed the government twice. :-)
--------------------------
From: Andrew Wagner [afwagner@STUDENTS.WISC.EDU]
Sign at a McDonalds in Milwaukee:
DRIVE THRU PARKING ONLY
--------------------------
From: Adina Sobo [adinas@AOL.COM]
I lived on a street where was a sign that said:
Cross
CHILDREN
Walk
I found out Ogden Nash's rebuttal to this was:
Cheerful
CHILDREN
Ride
Another sign, here in San Diego on the I-5 Freeway, says:
Cruise Ships Use Airport Exit
I've always wondered how cruise ships make it under the overpasses....
--------------------------
From: Love Hate [DSRADER@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU]
What's the difference between an atheist, a Jew, and a Baptist?
Atheists don't recognize God, Jews don't recognize Jesus, and Baptists
don't recognize one another in the liquor store.
--------------------------
From: Adam BJ Quantrill [adam@KBSS.BT.CO.UK]
In Italy, road signs thoughtfully warn the motorist of an impending
layby on dual carriageways. The usual speed of the traffic is about
70 m.p.h. However, the sign is placed ten yards ahead of the layby!
The result is at least one, and usually serveral, thick black skid
marks at the beginning of the layby!
--------------------------
From: Jeffry J Simpson [Jeffry@WORDPERFECT.COM]
I had to reply to this one. At WordPerfect we have toll free
support and up until lately anyone could call in with any problem.
One day a lady called in with printer problems. The technician had
her make sure it was on. (She said it was) He had her check the
cords. (all were connected). He had her check the installation (She
had a print driver). They checked everything he could think of
finally he begain to get suspious and ask her to describe her
printer.
She replied by describing the CPU and Monitor. She didn't have a
printer and assumed it was part of the computer.
--------------------------
From: Pete Plassmann
[imo%lan3.kaiserslau-emh1.army.mil@KAISERSLAU-EMH1.ARMY.MIL]
John Vasse said: ]
]There's a front page article in the 7/30/91 Wall Street Journal
]about an Englishman who has built a full-scale trebuchet which he
]uses to hurl dead hogs and grand pianos across his fields. The
]accuracy is not very high, but imagine the "stopping power" of a
]grand piano arcing in from overhead..........
Not only that, Car and Driver hired this man to fling a car. They
managed to throw a Mini Cooper about 100 yards. This genius's next
project is building a Crossbow capable of firing telephone poles!
--------------------------
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