Lifec U

Date: Thu, 9 Feb 1995 07:58:17 -0800
Message-Id: [199502091558.HAA21911@netcom19.netcom.com]
Subject: Life  C.U
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
From: "cate3@netcom.com" [Henry_Cate_III@netcom.com]
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R


---------------------------------------

Date: 1 Apr 94 17:32:31 PST (Friday)
Subject: Life  C.U





The following are selections from rec.humor.oracle

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line.

----------------------------------------------------

Selected-By: David Sewell [dsew@lion.ccit.arizona.edu]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

] What can I do to help?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Plant a tree. Call your local branch of Big Brothers and volunteer.
} Quit hogging the blankets. Smile when you say that, stranger. Take
} their keys and call them a cab. Make a tax-deductible donation. Turn
} the damn thing off and for God's sake READ something! Lead, follow, or
} get out of the way. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of
} the problem. Use your head. Give him a dollar; maybe he really needs
} it. Read the Bible/Torah/Koran/Bhagavad-Gita/Kama Sutra/All I Really
} Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten/Stranger in a Strange Land/Life
} 101/laundry instruction tag. Practice random kindness and senseless
} acts of beauty. Rub her feet. Always store beer in a cool dark place.
} Call your parents and thank them. Don't talk -- organize! Blow up your
} TV, throw away your paper, go to the country, build a little home;
} plant a little garden, eat a lot of peaches, and try to find Jesus on
} your own. Don't pay people back; pay them forward instead. And
} remember, when all else fails, x=5.
}
} You owe the Oracle your best effort.

--------------------------

Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

] Hey, big Dude, we all know that you aren't human, but what are you?
] Can you tell us what you look like? Do you have a tail or antlers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Grumble, grumble -- Babs, get me the Pole on the phone . . .
}
}     Right away, sir . . . [phone connection noises] . . . Okay, line 2
}
} Thanks. [picks up] Hi, it's me --
}
}     Morozhenoj w potrzebie? Wlosz y --
}
} Um . . . sorry, your Holiness. [Hang-up] Babs, get me the *North* Pole,
} . . . okay . . . [mumble *@$#% temp secretaries $%#@$] Ah, there we go.
} Kriss?
}
}     Look, I said you'll get your check Monday -- I'm dealing with a
}     major elf crisis here . . .
}
} Uh, Kriss, it's me, Oracle. You know, Mt. Olympus, third house on the
} right, big red chimney, constant glow of omniscience . . . Right, well
} the postman screwed up again.
}
}     You got a Dear Santa letter? Hell, I've got enough problems dealing
}     with the letters I *got*, what with the creditors breathing down
}     my neck, and half the elves running off to work for those bastards
}     at Keebler, and --
}
} No, you don't understand --
}
}     Look, just give the kid a lump of coal -- coal's cheap, and a hell
}     of a lot more useful than some Nintendo gadget --
}
} No, no. I didn't get a letter addressed to you, I got one for one of
} your *reindeer* . . .
}
}     Hmm . . . well, most of them are in Lapland right now, for the
}     '94 Reindeer Games . . .
}
} This one's for Rudolf. See, it was addressed to "Big Rudy", but the
} guy's handwriting is bad, and the idiots at the post office read it as
} "Big Dude." Here, lemme show it to you. [Holds letter up to phone.]
}
}     You call that an R?
}
} Hey, *I* didn't write it.
}
}     *Sigh*. Okay, I'll pass it along . . . the guy should get a response
}
} ----------------
} Memo:
} City of New York,
} Office of Mayor.
}
} Thank you for your question of _January 31_. In fact, I do have antlers
} and a tail, but I feel it is more important to emphasize that I also
} have a very shiny nose -- and, if you ever saw it, you would even say
} it glows. In these trying times of economic crisis and ethnic tension,
} I think the people of this great city should focus more on my nasal
} luminescence, and less on my categorization as a Reindeer-American.
} Thank you again for your concern, and my son Andrew says to say "Hi."
}
}                                          Rudolf Giuliani,
}                                          Mayor of the City of New York
} ----------------
}
}      along with your reply to his message -- maybe even mixed in with
}      it, somewhere near the end.
}
} Thanks. [Click.]
}
} You owe the Oracle a package of New York Minute Rice.

--------------------------

Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

] Philosophy or Economics?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am, therefore I pay taxes.

--------------------------

Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

] Oh most incredible edible oracle...
]
] How can I get a good-looking babe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Breed with a good looking woman, and hope that looks are genetically
} dominant.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pea.

--------------------------

Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

] Why can't I find anyone to join my Wesley Crusher
] fan club??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try asking Andorians, Wesley !

--------------------------

Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

] why is everyone telepathic but me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}

--------------------------

Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

] Oh mighty Oracle, WHO would never SELL OUT!
]
] Me and my brother were talkin' to each other 'bout what makes a man
] a man.  Was it brains or brawn or the month you were born.  We just
] couldn't understand.  So me and my brother borrowed money from
] mother, we knew what we had to do.  We went downstairs to the
] barber and gymnasium and got our arms tattooed.  My dad beat me
] because mine said mother but my mother naturally liked it and beat
] my brother cause his tattoo was of a lady in the nude and my mother
] thought that was extremely rude.
]
] What kind of tattoo does the Oracle have?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A short one that says "DE PLANE!!  DE PLANE!!"

--------------------------

Selected-By: "Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab" [ewhac@shell.portal.com]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

] If God is all-powerful, can he create a stone so large that he cannot
] lift it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a question often brought up by people arguing against the
} existence of an omnipotent God. I tried it out once.
}
} Oracle: Hey, God, you can do anything, right?
} God:    This is true.
} Oracle: Well, I bet you can't create an immovable stone.
} God:    Oh yeah? How much?
} Oracle: Ten pints and a packet of peanuts.
} God:    You're on. [Creates an immovable stone]
} Oracle: That's pretty impressive.
} God:    You bet it is.
} Oracle: How about a double-or-nothing bet?
} God:    Sure, why not?
} Oracle: I bet you can't move it over there.
} God:    That's not fair! You're playing with semantics and petty logic.
} Oracle: So? If you can move it, you owe me the ten pints and a packet
}         of peanuts. If you can't, then I still don't owe you anything.
} God:    Let me think about this one... Got it. [Disincorporates
}         universe, and reconstructs it with the stone in a different
}         place] You see, I can play games with logic and semantics too.
}
} You owe the Oracle twenty pints and two packets of peanuts.

--------------------------

Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Michael Scott Forbes +1 708 979 5170)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

] money?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} yes, please

--------------------------

Selected-By: Darkmage [davis@licre.ludwig.edu.au]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

] If all the world is in fact a stage, what can we do if we really screw
] up our lines?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's use this supplicant's life as an example:
} [The Director aka God has summoned the chief writer aka the USENET
} [ Oracle to a review meeting.]
}
} G: We got a guy here who keeps blowing his lines. I want you to take a
}    look at this. [shouts off stage: okay replay today]
}
}         [Scene one, this morning]
}         Cute Cheerleader: Hi, could you help me a second?
}         Supplicant: Sorry, I got a class right now.
}
} O: Damn, he blew that. Well I guess I can scrap that hot sex scene I've
}    been working on all afternoon.
} G: Thats not all, keep watching.
}
}         [Scene two, lunch time]
}         Supplicant:[busting up in line at the local deli] Excuse me
}                     mister, I'm kinda in a hurry here.
}         Businessman1: Isn't that Joe's kid?
}         Businessman2: Yeah, looks like the photo he sent when asked me
}                       to give him a job.
}         Businessman1: You gonna do it?
}         Businessman2: No way, I got enough rude kids working for me
}                       already.
}
} O: Well, I can scratch writing the car buying scene for this clown,
}    too.
} G: One more.
}
}         [Scene three, evening. An A and R man for a major record label
}          knocks on the supplicants door]
}         Record Exec: Son, I heard you playing your guitar all the way
}                      down in the lobby when I came in and I...
}         Supplicant: I'LL PLAY HOWEVER FRICKEN LOUD I WANT. IT AIN'T
}                     QUIET HOURS YET JUST GET OUT OF MY DAMN FACE.
}         [slams door]
}
} O: Oh no, now I have to rescript this guy's whole life. This was the
}    start of the big rock star thing we were planning for months.
} G: Well write him something simple. Make him a janitor or something.
} O: The hell with that. I'm going to write him out.
}         [Lightning crackles in the distance. A major storm is brewing]
}
} You owe the Oracle a last request.    (Watch him blow this line too)

--------------------------

Selected-By: Darkmage [davis@licre.ludwig.edu.au]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

] O Magnificent Oracle, whose knowledge is truly all-encompassing, who
] never needs a spell-checker to write even the word "inestimable" with
] confidence, and who could spend an hour on the stairmaster without
] breaking a sweat (if he wasn't so perfectly in shape that Ah-nold
] gnashes his teeth at the very thought of that physique), please help
] your humblest of supplicants out with the following Really Nasty
] Problem:
]
] Today, I received my World History final.  Everything was going fine
] until I reached a problem that my limited little brain simply could not
] answer.  So I left a full-size wax dummy of myself in my chair and
] rushed off to ask you to help me out.  Please answer the question for
] me, and quickly, since I'm not sure how long Professor Spluttenfern
] will be fooled by my simulacrum.  Here's the question:
]
] "Please recount the entire history of the world in a rhymed verse of 86
] words or less."
]
] Help me, Usenet Oracle, you're my only hope.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's half your answer.  You'll have to write the other 43 words
} yourself.  If you're lucky, Spluttenfern won't notice that my part
} wasn't written by a member of homo sapiens.
}
}  Indus Valley, Land of Sumer,
}  Egypt, China, Greece and Rome.
}  Thought and intrigue, plot and rumor,
}  Sailors straying far from home,
}
}  Ages dark and ages light,
}  Vandals, Vikings burn and rape.
}  Follies, forces, foes to fight,
}  Lo! The works of Man, Great Ape.
}
} You owe the Oracle your technique for figuring out in advance that
} you're going to need wax dummies for your exams even when you think
} they are going to go well.  Also your recipe for making them.  And, oh
} yes, you owe Prof. Spluttenfern the secret formula for getting that
} horrid wax off his fingers.  He thinks he killed you when he tried to
} wake you up, and he sent the dummy to the infirmary.  I'm patching
} things up best I can.  You really owe me a lot for this one.

--------------------------

Selected-By: The Gabungmeister

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

] Wise and kind Oracle, tell me why the moon is made of green cheese,
] and how can I get some of it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You do realize that the Moon was not always made of green cheese.  In
} fact, until quite recently it was made of rock.  What happened?
} Simple.
}
} Agricultural price supports.  You see, in order to keep the U. S. dairy
} industry healthy, the U. S. Federal government set up a system whereby
} it would buy any excess milk that dairy farmers produced and could not
} sell.  This began during the Great Depression, continued through WWII,
} and went on and on...
}
} Some of this milk was dehydrated, but the most practical way to store
} it proved to be to make it into a hard cheese.  It was an
} undersecretary of Agriculture who hit on the idea, and he suggested
} that the Feds kill two birds with one stone by using the excess herbs
} (mostly basil, oregano, and chives) bought through the herb price
} support program to flavor the cheese.  The result: a hard,
} herb-flavored cheese, tolerably palatable and capable of being stored
} for long periods.
}
} By the mid-1950s, the Feds had accumulated an incredible amount of this
} cheese.  Almost all of it was still edible; in fact, it aged
} beautifully, the herbal flavors mellowing, and cheese over twenty years
} old was usually a delicacy.  But what to do with it?  Selling it or
} giving it away was out of the question: one bureaucrat calculated that
} the huge stockpile contained enough protein to fill the needs of the
} entire planet for several years -- though, of course, not everybody
} likes cheese, and some people cannot tolerate dairy foods.
}
} By 1952, the U. S. had a practical nuclear-powered space rocket -- all
} very hush-hush, of course.  The solution seemed obvious once Wernher
} von Braun himself presented it to President Eisenhower in 1954: send
} the cheese to the Moon, and as the amount of cheese grew, remove parts
} of the Moon and send them into the Sun.  Through a crash program far
} surpassing the legendary Manhattan Project, a fleet of spaceships,
} designed to resemble the popular conception of flying saucers so that
} anyone seeing one would think it an alient craft, began making Lunar
} trips within the year.  Untold tons of green cheese were loaded aboard
} the atomic saucers and sent to the Moon, and as the cheese accumulated,
} fleets of earth-moving -- or rather Moomoving -- equipment were sent up
} as well, to bulldoze the Moon into chunks that could be sent hurtling
} off towards the Sun.
}
} Oh, it took work, and bribery, and swearings to secrecy.  Nobody but a
} few thousand incredibly loyal government employees knew about Project
} Cheddar, as it was called, and when in 1957 the Soviet Union launched
} its pitiful little Sputnik I, it was a sore trial to the men and women
} who were shipping untold tons of green cheese to the Moon, and scooping
} out untold tons of Moon rock and hurling it towards the Sun with
} solar-powered mass-drivers.  Thousands of scientists had to be bribed
} or silenced; many were replaced by surgicallaltered doubles --
} admittedly, a dark page in an otherwise glorious endeavour.
}
} You can see that the entire U. S. space program is a coverup.  Who
} would suspect that vast amounts of surplus cheese were being shipped
} into space, if all he saw were such pitiful efforts?  The Apollo moon
} landings took place on some of the few remaining patches of original
} moonrock -- just beyond camera range were great false moonscapes
} sculpted with care out of cheese.
}
} Anyhow, during the 1980s, the Moon's last sections of rock were
} entirely replaced with green cheese.  Why do you think that the
} government started giving away cheese then?  Note that the altered Moon
} has about the same mass as the old, because the cheese dehydrated in
} vacuum and compacted to rocky hardness and density under its own weight
} -- hence there's been little change in the Lunar tides here on Earth.
}
} The documents pertaining to all this are so secret that you'll never
} see them under the Freedom of Information Act, so don't even try.  The
} old nuclear-powered saucers are now considered unsafe, and are buried
} under the Nevada desert in one of those secret areas of government
} land.  The Oracle can't think of how you can get any of that green
} cheese -- perhaps the senior Senator from Wisconsin would let you have
} some of his private stockpile of the "vintage" 1935, but it's not
} likely.  All the excess milk nowadays gets made into the sort of yucky
} bland gluey cheese they gave away in the Eighties, and dairy-price
} support programs are being phased out.
}
} You owe the Oracle a twenty-pound wheel of five-year-old Canadian raw
} milk cheddar, and none of that lousy Black Diamond crap, understand?
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