From cate3@netcom.com Tue Feb 14 09:51:40 1995
Subject: Life C.V
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
From: "cate3@netcom.com" [Henry_Cate_III@netcom.com]
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 5 Apr 94 10:32:33 PDT (Tuesday)
Subject: Life C.V
The following was sifted out of rec.humor:
----------------------------------------------------
From: funnygrl@netcom.com (Peace)
selections from COMEDY AND CAFFEINE BY THE BEACH
I was born Jewish, but about a year ago I converted. To
metric. - Dana Snow
I grew up in an ultra conservative town. They only
allowed Birch trees to grow there. - Karen Maurise
My ex-husband threatened to kill himself if I left.
Which is really sad, because if he killed himself, I
probably would have stayed. - Charisse Savarin
--------------------------
From: ez040955@hamlet.ucdavis.edu ()
A UC freshman goes to see his advisor.
Jim: Mr. Wells, I really need to talk to you about my future.
Mr. Wells: Let's see Jim, what are you interested in doing?
Jim: Well, I think that I would enjoy making a lot of money
without doing real work.
Mr. Wells: I'm sorry Jim but the UC Regents positions are all filled.
--------------------------
From: kaye@festival.ed.ac.uk (Kaye Brewster)
A friend of mine got talking to an American tourist in Edinburgh. The tourist
was saying what a lovely place it was etc etc, and how lovely the castle
was and that he didn't know why it had been built so close to the ever so
noisey train station!
--------------------------
From: z_sponheimjc@ccsvax.sfasu.edu (John C. Sponheimer)
Hey all....
Here is a small list that I have compiled with some friends of mine...
Alot of people wanted it so I decided to post it...
Have fun and mail me if you do come up with more..
I really wnat to hear your ideas....
John
2) Eskimos have a thousand words for ICE, but no words for the word HELLO.
6) All Cheetahs are genetically the same.
7) Bats are not rodents, but are marsupials.
13) You can freeze bacteria for over 1000 years and still grow cultures from it
there after.
30) The width of your mouth is exactly the same as the distance from pupil
to pupil.
34) A slight tax increase can cost you $500, and a drastic tax cut will only
save you $.05.
47) Combing your hair, stimulates brain waves.
51) The succesion of notes in Bethoven's 5th symphony is morse code for the
letter V, which is 5 in Roman Numerals.
53) Hamlet is Shakespeare's longest play, 5 and a half hours uncut.
55) When gum is set on fire, the sugar burns out and turns to wax.
60) The US goverment spends $18 million dollars on mulit-colored pipe cleaners.
71) There are a thousand registered ways to eat a peanut.
72) There are five hundred ways to eat a potato.
79) All portraits of Napolean were done with his hand in his jacket, the
reason is to hide his finger disformity.
130) Bill Clinton is president contrary to popular belief.
140) Mockingbirds can immitate any sound from a squeaking door to a cat meowing.
141) Mockingbirds are the state bird of Arkansas and Texas.
153) 20% of oxygen comes from your skin.
165) The 3rd and 4th pass of Halley's Comet were the days on Samuel Clemens
birth and death.
179) The Trump Tower was marketed and sold saying it was 68 floors, but in
actuality it has only 58 floors.
180) The Sears Tower is not a building by architechtural law, but is an aerial
antenna tower due to the massive 180 foot antenna on top.
*******************************************************************************
This list has been compiled by John C. Sponheimer. He has used many sources
to compile this large index of facts.
Feel free to distribute this list to others, but please leave the credit to me.
Z_sponheimjc@ccsvax.sfasu.edu (John C. Sponheimer) aka... LORD_SOTH
*******************************************************************************
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted by an anonymous sifter
--------------------------
From: grimya@discovery.ksu.ksu.edu (Lyn/Grimya)
A pastor went to a church to put up a sign, but forgot what he
was supposed to put up. He called his wife and said, "Fax me the motto
and dimensions of the sign." A few minutes later, the fax came in. It
read, "Unto you a child is born, eight feet long and three feet wide."
--------------------------
From: mike@vishnu.eco.twg.com (This space intentionally left blank)
Guy is driving down a country road and comes to a flooded section. There is
a farmer standing nearby with a flock of geese, so the driver asks, "Is this
puddle very deep?" and the farmer says, "Nope, don't think so." They guy
procedes and the car floods and sinks. The ex-driver is treading water and
shouts at the farmer, "I thought you said it wasn't deep!" and the farmer
replies, "Didn't think it was!" (he holds his hand horizontally across his
chest) "Only came up to here on my geese!"
--------------------------
]From: jonathan.pulman@synapse.org (Jonathan Pulman)
I was four years old; my grandfather left me in his brand-new '51 Chevy pickup
truck as he went into the post office. As he left he pointed at the
floor-mounted starter switch, and said, "Don't touch that!"
"Why not?" I said.
"It'll turn the truck over!" was his response, and off he went. I didn't
touch that switch! No way did I want to turn the truck upside down...
Years later, my grandfather is dead, and I'm thinking about this incident.
It's the only time I remember him not telling me the truth, I'm thinking; but,
at least it kept me from messing with the starter switch.
More years go by and I'm recalling the incident again and FINALLY I realize he
WAS telling me the literal truth. The starter DOES turn over the truck
(engine)! My childhood misinterpretation stuck with me for thirty-five years.
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
lear@cp10.es.xerox.com (Russell Lear)
--------------------------
From: hli@s.psych.uiuc.edu (Hua Li)
A graduate student was performing an operation in a rodant. He was fully
dressed up w/ white lab coat, a pair of surgical gloves, and a mask because of
the it is required that such operations should be aseptic. When he got a
break, he walked into next door, sit by the computer, and started to read
email. The lab technician walked in and said to him, "I don't think you need
a mask to play your computer." To that the student paused a second and
replied, "Well, consider the computer viruses ..."
--------------------------
From: ab396@FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Marcel Lemay)
A woman tells her friend: "My husband is an angel",
her friend replies: "You're lucky, mine is still alive".
--------------------------
From: sdean@cc.weber.edu (Stanley Dean)
I recently read about a sign in Tokyo that said "Vertical Parking Only".
Also, a Pet Shop owner in Japan looked up "pet" in an English dictionary
and, wanting to use a longer word that might impress people more, had
a large sign made that said "Fondle Shop".
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
Christopher Neufeld [neufeld@physics.utoronto.ca]
--------------------------
From: mw004c@uhura.cc.rochester.edu (Eleven of Clubs)
near my school, there's a store called "Healthy Choice". It's basically a
deli-type place. the sign outside in big letters says "HEALTHY CHOICE" and
the in smaller letters on the side reads "Beer" "Ciggarettes" "coffee"
--------------------------
From: abbe@bronze.lcs.mit.edu (John C. Abbe aka Rademir)
There is no problem which a sufficient application of brute force
can't make infintely worse.
I have no idea where this came from.
--------------------------
From: fnord@cs.mcgill.ca (Andrew KUCHLING)
One form to rule them all, one form to find them, one form
to bring them all and in the darkness rewrite the hell out of them.
- Sendmail Ruleset 3: comment from DEC
--------------------------
From: e_p@unlinfo.unl.edu (edgar pearlstein)
My favorite, from the Pogo strip about 40 years ago:
"Look alive. Here comes a buzzard."
--------------------------
From: D.A.G.Gillies@bradford.ac.uk (DAG GILLIES)
And some other Cambridge college (apocryphal):
American tourist to gardener:
"Say, how do you get this lawn so good?"
"Simple, Madam. You roll it, and weed it, and roll it, and weed it, for five
or six hundred years."
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
Thomas L. Luekens:LAX1B
--------------------------
From: stahl@ariel.iex.com (Kevin Stahl)
]|] Looking for a list of Foghorns one liners.
"If that boy don't stop talkin' he's gonna get his tongue sunburned"
"She's like the hiway between Ft Worth and Dallas...no curves"
--------------------------
From: nbishop@liverpool.ac.uk (Mr N.W. Bishop)
Just a few lists of funny books:
Make lots of money by Robbin Banks
Haunted House by U. Go. First
Going shopping by Mark Et. Place
Falling off a cliff by Eileen Dover
Keeping fit by Jim Nastics
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
LBennett:El Segundo
--------------------------
From: mikek@tsh.com (Mike Klecka)
Taken from my Joke Calendar:
Ernie and his dad ventured into the woods to bring home a Christmas
tree. They walked for hours in the snow, examining every tree they
found. As the afternoon turned into evening, the temperature dropped
ten degrees and the wing began to blow. Still no tree. Finally
Ernie piped up:
"Listen, Dad, I really think we'd better take the next tree
we see, whether it has lights on it or not!"
--------------------------
From: sanduku@oak.circa.ufl.edu [Paul Box]
About 10 years ago I was an exchange student in Costa Rica. For part
of the time I was there I played in a band that played for dances, etc.
One day we were rehearsing the song that starts off
"If a picture paints a thousand words
" then why can't I paint you?
" ... "
etc....
The person who was singing at one point asked me to look over the
lyrics that he had transcribed and correct them, seeing as I know
English. The song sounded ok the way he was singing it, but it
couldn't hurt to have the lyrics corrected. When he gave me the
sheet, it read such:
IF A PEACH CHU PAIN SHU THOUSAND WERKS
THEN WAIKEN SAY THEN YOU
THEY WORKS WOL NEVER SHOU
THEY YOU AIV GONT TO NO
IF A MAN COPLI TO PLAY SEE SET
WELL TAIL THEN I MET YOU
TOMORROW AND TODAY
THERE IS NO WANT HOME THAT YOU
AND WHEN TAIL OLD
FOR LIFE IS RUNNING RAIL
YOU COME AND WON
YOUR SELF FOR ME
I tried for a couple of minutes to correct the song, but eventually
was laughing too hard. I gave it back to him, told him it was fine,
and asked if he would mind making a copy for me. He sang it beautifully!
--------------------------
Des Moines
Register's Stupidest Dog contest
First place:
"'Sparky came to live on our farm about two years ago. Sparky was raised in a
fenced-in yard to be protected from traffic.'
"'Sparky somehow learned to chase cars on the road...by running along the fence
inside the yard. Now Sparky is allowed to help his master outside the confines
of the yard fence.'
"'Sparky can hear a car coming down the road and immediately runs *inside* the
yard to chase cars as he has learned.'"
Second place:
"'Cassie[a golden retriever] was in our back yard last fall and apparently
watched the kids swinging often enough that she thought it looked like fun.
Next thing I knew she was barking and whining by herself and when I came out
to see what was the matter there she was caught in not one, but *both* swings
and couldn't get free.'"
Also rans:
"Misty ducks when she's in the pickup as they drive under an overpass."
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
Dawn M. Matschke:HENR801A
--------------------------
From: ssriv@casbah.acns.nwu.edu (Sanjay Srivastava)
Q. What does it mean when a drummer drools on both sides of his
mouth?
A. The stage is level.--
--------------------------
From: cl@nde.unl.edu (carlene lanham)
Hey, have you heard the latest from Bill Clinton? No? Me either.
---
"You can never be lost. You're always directly above the center of the earth."
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
Miles O'Neal [meo@pencom.com]
--------------------------
-From: rlbell@sunee.uwaterloo.ca (Richard Bell)
Q: What is the difference between bagpipes, and onions?
A: Nobody cries when bagpipes are chopped up.
--------------------------
From: snbdr@alaska@orca (Brian Rogers)
When I needed to have a well drilled on my rural property in Fairbanks,
Alaska, I asked around to see who was best locally, and was directed to Roy
Ice. His company -- Ice Water Well Drilling Co.
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
From: "Kelly Hall" [hall@leopard.cs.byu.edu]
--------------------------
From: babar+@pitt.edu (Jonggu Moon)
Yep, IRC is VERY MUCH like a drug addiction.
1 - You can't get enough of it.
2 - You spend the time off it counting the hours till you
can get back on.
3 - You need a daily "fix"
4 - While you are doing it, time flies unnoticeably.
5 - It started simple and innocent
6 - But gradually you need more and more.
7 - You start to lie to those around you about it.
8 - When you travel, you look for ways to get it there or
bring some with you.
9 - You choose your acquaintances by your common addiction to it.
10- When you've finished a session, you feel guilt and
self-loathing for all that's been wasted on it.
And promise yourself you'll never do it again.
But we know better.
--------------------------
From: masc1596@ucssun1.sdsu.edu (Avoid normal situations.)
Q: Why is a false friend like the letter P?
A: Because though always first in pity, s/he is always last in help.
--------------------------
From: bacz@tellurid.dr.att.com (NB7240D00-BaczynskyMA(DR2510)214)
Why do so many Arkansas parents walk their kids to school?
answer: Because a lot of them are in the same grade.
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of rec.humor by:
dani@netcom.com (Dani Zweig)
--------------------------
[ Author was Marissa Ratcliff ]
I don't work on a computer help-desk, but I do work at something just as
good (or bad :)).....a library.
Real life reference question: a person calls the reference desk and asks
the librarian if they "have that book with all the words in it?" On a hunch,
the librarian asks, "you mean, a dictionary?" The reply...."Yeh! that's the
one!"
--------------------------
From: krueger@cs.hope.edu (John Krueger)
In article 6d4@sunb.ocs.mq.edu.au, jshepher@laurel.ocs.mq.edu.au (Jonathon) writes:
] Well, Mark, the term "Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle" is originally
] derived from an Austrian gentlemen of the same name, who lived in Vienna
Who would name their kid Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle?
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