From cate3@netcom.com Tue Feb 21 08:47:15 1995
Subject: Life D.2
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
From: "cate3@netcom.com" [Henry_Cate_III@netcom.com]
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 5 Apr 94 19:33:29 PDT (Tuesday)
Subject: Life D.2
The following selections are from AuMuE, a mailing list run by:
John Mechalas [john@jg.cso.uiuc.edu]
Send all submissions and requests to be added to or deleted from this list
to amuse-request@jg.cso.uiuc.edu.
----------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Jody Frederick:
My husband's parents settled in Southwestern Ontario after fleeing war-torn
Europe. Thus, my mother in-law learned English as her second language
and at times, she uses the language improperly and confuses common figures of
speech. Because she was a farmer for over 40 years, the weather is of
interest and importance to her. Discussions about the weather are
commonplace. Anyways, while she was visiting her son (my husband's
brother) in California, she wrote us a long, detailed letter about her trip.
As usual the subject of weather came up: she told us that San Diego had had
about 1/4 inch of rain, then added with complete sincerity, "But that's
nothing to write home about." Needless to say, we had a good laugh....
--------------------------
From: pypbf@csv.warwick.ac.uk (D M Procida)
_The Independent_ (London) 13th October 1993:
A motorist who had her hand-bag snatched by thieves when she stopped at
traffic lights in Birmingham [no, *not* the one in Alabama] gave chase until
they threw down the bag. The woman leapt out to retrieve it, and was left
stranded as they stole her #48,000 Mercedes.
--------------------------
From: michaelf@cpsc.ucalgary.ca (Michael Fullerton)
My first experience with artificial life came about when I mistakenly walked
into a singles bar.
--------------------------
From: thomasc@athena.mit.edu (Thomas Wallace Colthurst)
Yesterday in my Harmonic Measures class, I was so bored that I started
taking notes in LaTeX. That is, instead of copying the symbols the prof
wrote on the board for, say, the integral of e to phi(x) d mu, I wrote down
"$\integral e^{\phi(x)} d\mu$".
And so on, for the last half hour of the class. I was really surprised with
how much longer it made the notes.
--------------------------
From: t9116ts@tech.mis.cfc.com (Todd M. Swan)
Canada has two months: Winter and July 11
--------------------------
From: jlp@bnr.co.uk (Jeff Pratley)
My daughter had a badge (you colonialists would probably call it a button,
which is what we use to keep our shirts on) for her 2nd birthday, bearing
the lyrical but precise inscription "I am 2". On the back, another
inscription informed us that the item was "Not suitable for children
under 36 months"
--------------------------
From: ewesley@pts.mot.com (Eric Wesley)
Sweatshirt (with appropiate graphics, including umbrella) seen in WA:
Seattle Rain Fest - 1/1 through 12/31
--------------------------
From: dbellamy@r-node.io.org (doug)
IMPORTANT NOTICE: The entire physical universe, including this
message, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small
space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the
existance of this message in that universe cannot be guaranteed.
--------------------------
From: boutell@netcom.com (Drinks All The Water) writes:
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: For Sale: Mini TV Set
mlokit@ic.ac.uk (Mr M. Lokitsangtong) writes:
]Dear Netters,
]
] F O R S A L E
]
] *ALBA* Portable MW/FM Radio with 5" Black and White TV
]...
] E-MAIL: mlokit@cv.ic.ac.uk (24 hrs.)
^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^
This is my favorite post of the month.
--------------------------
From: page@brahma-client.cs.odu.edu (d.)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Scene: Hampton Boulevard. Several indignant protesters are milling
around 'ODU Unfair' placards. One protester is talking animatedly
to a man in a grey trenchcoat:
Protester: ...and so ODU employs unfair employment practices!!!
Trenchcoat: I KNOW what you mean, brother. In fact, they denied
me a job because of a slight medical problem!!!
Protester: A medical problem? What kind of a medical problem.
Trenchcoat: Well, ever since the aliens stole my brain and replaced
it with an exact duplicate, I have a strange tendency
to want to strangle gerbils. I have to go. Power,
Brother!!!
--------------------------
The following were seen in misc.forsale:
----------
Subj: WANTED: UFO any condition
Wish to buy a complete UFO, any condition. Also, needed spare working
parts, perferably drive parts.
Price is no object.
----------
From: eerik@iastate.edu (Eerik J. Villberg)
bobp@leotech.mv.com (Bob Pechusick) writes:
]
] I have a friend who is interested in upgrading the factory
]in his car.
WOW! he must have a big car! ;-)
--------------------------
The following are some .plan files I have come across in my travels. :)
----------
Login name: ruble In real life: Tricia A. Ruble
Plan:
If stupidity is relative, and you
are stupid now, what will you be
when you approach the speed of
light?
--------------------------
The following were sifted from alt.folklore.urban:
----------
From: ian@cs.brandeis.edu (Xiphias Gladius)
My Sophomore year English teacher in High School had the following
story:
He was a victim of unfortunate circumstance . . . he and his friends
were waiting outside the testing building, listening to a transistor
radio. Unfortunately, the radio chose that morning to play, for the
first time, a new song by Simon and Garfunkel -- the "59 Street Bridge
Song." Now, if you've ever heard this song, you'll probably agree
that it's a particularly catchy tune.
It caught him.
He sat through the whole test, just "feeling groovy," and couldn't
concentrate.
However, the guy next to him sat there coloring in every single little
bubble. He got a 1600.
Apparently, said my teacher, at that time, the machenery to read the
SAT's only noticed whether the correct bubble was filled in, and so,
if all the bubbles were filled in, the test was marked completely
correctly.
Personally, although I'll believe the "Feeling Groovy" part, I have to
wonder how the original SAT scorer knew when you left a question
blank, and still acted as described.
--------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
From: gps@wiretap.spies.com (Pat Scandalis)
The Professor was really a CIA operative.
His job was to make sure the castaways stayed
stranded so that they government could perform
secret experiments on them.
Think about it...
--------------------------
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: elvis@netcom.com (kEvin)
Auditors keep people honest.
Apparently, dishonest supervisors can siphon company funds into
their personal troves by creating fictional employees to whom
they issue paychecks.
I recieved a message demanding proof that I exist.
I don't have it.
--------------------------
From: mechalas@expert.cc.purdue.edu (John Mechalas)
Some background here: Recently, our computing center has imposed a
ban on certain host:port combinations, preventing the use of several
popular MUD's from PUCC computers/networks. Shortly afterwards, many
rumors began to fly back and forth, claiming that PUCC was going to
also block out everything from 'FTP' to 'talk'. Eventually, someone
got tired of these silly accusations, and made a posting (below) stating
that PUCC was supposedly also going to ban the use of the 'E' key.
Shortly thereafter, one of PUCC's staff members made a satircal posting
regarding the "expiring of the campus 'E' key license", wherein it
was stated that the 'E' key could only be used by one person at a time
until a new license was purchased. One (apparently new and clueless)
user thought this was serious, and inquired about what would happen
after the 'E' key was no longer available for use. The following are
exceprts from this exchange.
(This has been a source of great amusement for our consulting staff, who
have now used tape to place large, red X's over the 'E' keys on several
of their computers).
----------
From: bjackson@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Ben Jackson)
Subj: Re: pucc blocking certain outgoing telnet ports
Gene Kim wrote:
]whirley@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Lost whirley) writes:
]
]]next some ports on telnet, and rumor has
]]it that there gonna take away TALK and then ftp'ing. What next?
]]How about taking my dov unit away or taking the modem out of my computer?
]
] I heard PUCC was going to ban the use of the 'E' key on all
]keyboards, too.
Before you go spreading unsubstantiated rumors, I suggest you get your
facts straight. Under our contract with Sun Microsystems, we have been
forced to get a single-user floating licence for the use of the 'E'
key. Everyone will still have access to their 'E' keys, but only one
user at a time will be able to press it with any result. For now we
recommend using '3' to represent 'E' in the traditional BIFF style.
For more technically capable users, we recommend keeping a file in your
home directory with a single 'E' in it which you can import into your
documents as needed. C programmers are advised to #define some
synonyms for keywords with the letter 'E', such as "while" and "real".
Users of X windows can create keysyms (see the xmodmap(1X) manual page)
which bind other keys on the keyboard to 'E'.
We are continuing to investigate other possible solutions to the 'E'
licensing problem. If you have any ideas, please use the suggest command
to submit them.
--Ben (not speaking on behalf of PUCC)
----------
From: bjackson@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Ben Jackson)
Subj: Re: Banning of E key? was Re: pucc blocking certain outgoing
telnet ports
That is not entirely correct -- you will still be able to use the key, but
it will have no effect until your keyboard is able to connect to the
campus-wide 'E' key license server (running on alecto.cc, a powerful sun3
workstation) to ensure that only one person at a time uses their 'E' key.
This is the only fair way to enforce our contract with Sun Microsystems.
As I said before, we are investigating other means to provide students and
staff with access to the letter 'E'. However, given PUCC's limited funds
(since there is no Student Computing fee in your tuition), it is unlikely
that we will be able to acquire more than one 'E' key license before
Spring of 1994. In an effort to reduce the network traffic and thereby
provide faster access to the 'E' keyserver, PUCC recently began blocking
access to several mud and haven sites (and a weather server, cleverly
disguised as a mud). This will alleviate the load caused by mud clients
making line-mode connections to these servers and shift the traffic to
character-at-a-time mode rlogin connections to other less fortunate sites.
Those of you who would like to use the 'E' keys on your personal computers
to connect to PUCC will be able to purchase single-user non-transferable
licenses at educational prices from local area bookstores. Sun will be
sending us information packets soon, which will be distributed from MATH
B3 (the consult office) to interested students.
I hope this clears up any questions you may have.
--------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
From: jdnicoll@engrg.uwo.ca (James Nicoll + Jasmine)
A tale I heard told from UW:
Once, back when leisure suits were in fashion, there was a chemistry
grad student who had technically gaduated, except that he had one
last experiment to run. Being a good grad student, he set up his
aparatus, and was killing time when another student came in to talk
to him. The apparatus was noisy, so they stepped aside to chat.
About that time, the reaction going on said to itself 'Heck, let's
be very rapid and strongly exothermic' and blew itself apart. Part
of the gadgetry near it involved a quantity of molten parafin,
which was evaporated, ignited and blown across the room in a
rolling cloud of flame witnesses compared to the breath of a dragon.
Since the two gentlemen had stepped aside, they were not crisped,
but many objects in the lab now had a thin film of wax.
The good Grad student set up his experiment again. Again someone
came into to chat, but this time the noise was so loud, they
retreated behind a pillar on the far side of the lab. Again the
apparatus decided that being rapidly exothermic was a good career
move. This time, the explosion was so powerful, the fumehood was
partly unfolded and glass fragments penetrated a calender on the
far side of the room, pinning it to the wall. The grad student
and the friend happened to standing in the only shielded section
of the room, so were unhurt.
At this point, UW strongly suggested that the grad student use
the little bunker up on north campus designed for the purpose of
running possible explosive experiments. Everything was set up,
and the experiment ran without any explosion.
The grad student then decided that whatever was present in the
first two runs was gone, and without asking if it was ok, moved
his base of operations back to the chemistry department. A third
casualtiless resulted, and the University, now most grumpy over
the third need to replace major portions of a lab, disallowed
any further runs on UW grounds.
James 'Will knock the valves off of compressed gas cylinders for
Food' Nicoll
----------------------------------------------------
The following are from humor archives stored at the
Internet Wiretap, available via gopher or FTP from wiretap.spies.com.
Most of these exceprts are from between 1988 and 1990, extracted from
the file "found.hum".
From: "Ron Pekar" [cs.utexas.edu!oddjob.uchicago.edu!peka%tank]
When the F.B.I. puts people undercover, it wants them to behave like
the locals. Traders in Chicago are fond of (illegal) sports betting pools.
The undercover agents, of course, participated in this (illegal) activity.
The U.S. Attorney made his first set of indictments on the Friday
before the Super Bowl. At this point, the agents' cover is blown.
As expected, all the agents participated in the Super Bowl pool.
What wasn't expected is that one of the agents would have placed the
winning bet. The pool contained $4000. Furthermore, decorum requires
that the winner personally collect his money. Needless to say, the pot
remains uncollected.
--------------------------
Subject: mislabelled mail
From: watmath!lsuc!dave (David Sherman)
One of my favourite envelopes is the one which came
addressed to me at "The Lost Society of Upper Canada".
-- David Sherman
The Law Society of Upper Canada
(equivalent to a state bar association, for you Americans)
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