From cate3@netcom.com Thu Mar 2 11:40:43 1995
Subject: Life D.5
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
From: Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 11 Apr 94 11:55:13 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life D.5
The following were sifted out of aus.jokes
----------------------------------------------------
From: ianst@qdpii.ind.dpi.qld.gov.au (Ian Staples)
Did you hear about the guy who was thinking of joining the new
Skeptics Club in town?
He decided not to, because he didn't believe it existed.
--------------------------
From: ianst@qdpii.ind.dpi.qld.gov.au (Ian Staples)
Somewhat embarrassed service station attendant in town this week.
The poor guy failed the simple test of checking tyre pressure for
a young lady at a Sheridan Street service station in Cairns.
The young woman waited patiently for the lad to check the air,
only to be told the gauge must be broken because there was no reading.
So she hopped out of her car and found that the hopeless case
hadn't taken the dustcap off the tyre valve.
--------------------------
From: gfox@bfsec.bt.co.uk (Gerard Fox)
This little boy takes his dog to the movies, to see Watership Down (the one with
all the cute little bunnies). During the movie the dog just sat there quietly
watching the film. After it was over the usherette came up to the little boy
and said
"I was very surprised to see your dog sit there and enjoy the movie like that"
and the little boy said
"So was I"
"Oh" said the usherette "why is that ?"
"Because" said the little boy "he didn't enjoy the book at all".
--------------------------
From: phoenix@MCS.COM (Eliezer Shlomo Yudkowsky)
Jonathan Crawford @ ArkTech [arktech@clark.net] wrote:
]Another lawyer joke:
]
]It seems the barrier between heaven and hell was beginning to weaken.
]Within 24 hours, over 3,000 wicked souls had escaped and gone to heaven,
]where they were wreaking havoc. St. Peter, under special dispensation,
]stormed into Satan's office, demanding to know when the breach would be
]repaired, since the barrier was Satan's responsibility. Satan replied that
]he had no intentions of fixing the hole.
]
]St. Peter: "WHAT?! You can't do that! I'll sue!"
]Satan: "Oh yeah? Where you gonna get a lawyer?"
St. Peter: "You just sent us 3,000. Sucker."
--------------------------
From: ianst@qdpii.ind.dpi.qld.gov.au (Ian Staples)
Subj: From _The Cairns Post_
Former Soviet submarine captain Yuri Morozov was interviewed by the
Western media some weeks ago:
Yuri was espousing the virtues of American-style capitalism compared
with the "failed Soviet system" when the interviewer asked if he had
ever been to the West to see the workings of capitalism and modern
consumer choice.
"Oh yes," Yuri said. "But only underwater."
--------------------------
From: ianst@qdpii.ind.dpi.qld.gov.au (Ian Staples)
Subj: More from _The Cairns Post_
When Mum, Dad and the kids went to Bali on holidays recently, the others
were surprised that Mum turned out to be something of a closet Indonesian
expert. She got stuck into the bargaining scene, flinging about her
smatterings of the local lingo with pride.
However, came the day after she had balled out the rest of the family
for not bargaining hard enough ...
... A couple of local lads knocked on the door of the lodgings and asked
if the family needed any laundry done. Mum couldn't resist the opportunity
to demonstrate her bargaining technique to her kin. She argued the lads
down to a ridiculously low price for the work, then handed over a bundle
of clothes and shoes to be cleaned.
Much later in the day Mum finally realised that not only were the launderers
not going to return and the family had lost their clothes, but she had
actually paid for them to be stolen!
--------------------------
From: btc@cmutual.com.au (Tony Cook)
How about this software Oxymoron.
MICROSOFT WORKS
--------------------------
From: karena@cs.uq.oz.au (Karen Ang)
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing
where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the
same thing."
--------------------------
From: ianst@qdpii.ind.dpi.qld.gov.au (Ian Staples)
Subj: A touch of jargon
Cairns resident wanted to start a depot for landscaping supplies.
The town planner wanted conditions imposed to ensure the materials
stored there would not create a dust nuisance for surrounding neighbours.
He suggested Council should ask that a "dust suppression device" be
installed on site and "operated to the satisfaction of the Council".
Everything was progressing well until someone asked exactly what a
dust suppression device was, and how could Council ensure it was working
to its satisfaction.
"Easy," another councillor retorted. "It's a garden tap and hose."
--------------------------
From: dac@prolix.apana.org.au (Andrew Clayton)
Subj: Re: Oxymorons
Rap music
----------------------------------------------------
The following were sifted out of aus.jokes by:
Royn Watts watts@lams.msd.lmsc.lockheed.com
--------------------------
From: nag@cmutual.com.au (Neville Grills)
Subject: Re: DOGS !!
Bloke and a bear go into pub , its early they have a few beers
and a few more , its about 10 minutes before closing time , the bear
falls off his chair , out of it. The bloke finishes his beer and gets up
to walk out. The barman says Hang on mate , you carn't leave that
lyin' there,
Bloke says thats no lion its a bear
----------------------------------------------------
The following were sifted out of aus.jokes by:
Christopher Neufeld [neufeld@helios.physics.utoronto.ca]
--------------------------
From: ianst@qdpii.comp.qdpi.oz.au (Ian Staples)
Elderly gentleman booking out from one of the local posh resorts wanted
to give the porter a tip for loading the bags into the BMW. So the old
fellow asked the porter if he could change $10.
"Around here," said the porter, "$10 is change."
--------------------------
From: ianst@qdpii.comp.qdpi.oz.au (Ian Staples)
Resident of a Cairns hillside suburb complained to her landlord that
she had a rat in the ceiling. She had tried everything to get rid
of it, all to no avail. Could the landlord help?
He [the ever innovative male :-)] told her to lay a trail of breadcrumbs
from the ceiling to the outside of the house.
The next day the woman called him again: "I did what you told me.", she said,
"Now I've got two rats."
-------
A young clergyman arrived in Cairns on his first independent posting. Keen
to impress, he began his first sermon enthusiastically. Carried away by the
occasion, however, he went on and on and on and on.
Finally a small boy sitting in the front pew with his mother, tugged at
her sleeve and in a loud voice asked: "Mummy, are you sure this is the
only way to get to heaven?"
--------------------------
From: ianst@qdpii.comp.qdpi.oz.au (Ian Staples)
Some years ago the Shire Clerk in Innisfail and the local Irish priest
were popular wits; they were also very good friends in spite of having
opposing views on certain things. In fact, they usually met once a week
to discuss town goings-on and the world in general [it is not recorded
whether they ever found the answer :-)].
One day, the cleric rang the clerk and said: "There's a dead goat under
the presbytery and maturity is not improving it any!"
"Why bother me?" the Shire Clerk replied. "As an officer of the church
is it not your duty to see to the burial of the dead?"
"Quite so." said the priest. "I fully accept that. But it is also my
duty as an officer of the church to inform the next of kin."
----------------------------------------------------
sifted by Christian.Peter@uluru.aus.sun.com (Christian Peter - SUN Sydney - Software Support)
--------------------------
From: 11437294@eng2.eng.monash.edu.au (NATHAN WHEAT)
A couple who had been married for years and years, had a family, husband
worked etc, were a little unhappy in their marriage. The husband hadn't
taken his wife out for ages, and she really felt like getting out.
One day, when the husband came home from work, his wife was washing
dishes. He came up somewhere behind her and uttered in a playful voice, "
You want to go out tonight, girl?".
The wife was taken by surprise (pleasant surprise) and without even
turning around said "Yes, oh yes, I'd love to."
So the couple went out to a nice Italian restaurant and enjoyed
themselves thoroughly. But after the meal, the husband made a confession.
When he had originally asked the question, he was talking to the family dog,
lying in the kitchen!!!
He felt so guilty that he had to take her out!
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of aus.jokes by:
kholmes@nmsu.edu
--------------------------
From: u9340610@wumpus.cc.uow.edu.au (Nicholson Jeffrey David)
Q: How many communist leaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one but it takes him 30 years to realise the old one went out.
--------------------------
From: haar@mindvox.phantom.com (David Haar)
Two guardians are at the gates of hell. Among the long and gloomy faces
passing through the gates a couple is spotted with smiling faces, looking
at all the wonderous sights. One guardian says to the other, "You can
always tell the New Yorkers, they think this is heaven".
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of aus.jokes by:
mark t. phillips:HENR801c
--------------------------
(I already have a poster for Fluke electronic equipment, which proudly
proclaims, "If it works, it's a Fluke")
--------------------------
I recently saw an article in a paper (can't remeber which
one) that was talking about a book being published by dairy
bosses in england which contains the best of the notes that
have been left for milkman. Here's some that were in the
article.....the cream of the crop :) .....
"Leave one extra pint. If this note blows away please knock."
"Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep
pecking the tops off the milk."
"Do not leave milk at no. 14 as he is dead until further notice."
"Please knock. My TV has been broken down and I missed last night's
'Coronation Street'. If you saw it, tell me what happened."
"No milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow for I wrote this
note yesterday."
"No milk today. We are away for the weekend, which is why I am hiding
this note under the mat so nobody finds out."
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of aus.jokes by:
Leigh Smith:XSIS
--------------------------
From: Adrian.Nardi@f360.n633.z3.fidonet.org (Adrian Nardi)
Q: what do ya call a dinosaur with large muscles?
A: Tyrannosaurus Pecs
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of aus.jokes by:
Peter Yee [yee@atlas.arc.nasa.gov]
--------------------------
From: dylan@austin.ibm.com ()
Q:How do you tell a Chemist from any other scientist?
A:He washes his hands BEFORE going to the toilet!
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of aus.jokes by:
lear@cp10.es.xerox.com (Russell Lear)
--------------------------
From: moask@pippin.cc.flinders.edu.au (A.S.Kayaalp)
My colleague from China is called YOU, and his wife's name is ME.
(True, would you believe it?)
--------------------------
From: acjbooks@citr.uq.oz.au (ACJ Books (Chris))
I had a friend (don't laugh folks), who looked for unfortunate
conjunctions of road signs. The one I liked was:
Sign: PROGRESS AVE.
Underneath: NO THROUGH ROAD.
--------------------------
From: bena@bruce.cs.monash.edu.au
There's a MOCK STREET down here I'm quite fond of.
--------------------------
From: peter@laplace.newcastle.edu.au (Peter Moylan)
On the freeway about halfway between Sydney and Newcastle,
there's one of those "Rest Area" signs that you often see
on major highways. If you follow that sign, you'll find
yourself in a crematorium/cemetery.
--------------------------
From: paul@research.canon.oz.au (Paul Higginbottom)
Seen on Australia's Funniest Home Videos:
Sign: Cemetary Lane
Underneath: Dead End
My favourite street sign from Pennant Hills area:
Sign: Lois Lane
----------------------------------------------------
The following was sifted out of aus.jokes by:
Michael Rutkaus:EdServices
--------------------------
Martin Loos (mattin@unicorn.mk.open.de) wrote:
Q: What is a lada with a pocket calculator?
A: Knight Rider
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