From cate3@netcom.com Thu Mar 16 18:43:43 1995
Subject: Life D.9
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
From: Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 14 Apr 94 16:32:27 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life D.9
The following are from random places
----------------------------------------------------
Samson once killed ten thousand men with the jawbone of an ass.
Ten times that many ideas are killed each day with the same instrument.
----------------------------------------------------
From: risks@csl.sri.com (FORUM ON RISKS TO THE PUBLIC IN COMPUTERS ...)
From: William Caloccia [caloccia@sw.stratus.com]
[Autoweek 7 Feb. 1994]
A British Ford dealer set out to impress potential purchasers with the
burglar-proof features of the new Ford Mondeo by staging a break-in in his
showroom.
As a room full of potential customers watched, the hired thief walked up to
the front of the car and gave it a swift kick in the bumper, near the airbag
sensor. The bag inflated, AND the central locking system disengaged. The
thief then opened the door, quickly broke the steering column lock, hot-wired
the ignition and started the car.
News spread quickly, and copycat incidents have followed.
Autoweek says "Sales of The Club should increase."
Historical Anecdote:
Word from friends in MoTown, was that when Ford was testing the very first
airbags in Police cars, the fuel cut-off relay would also be triggered by
the same impact sensing circuit. Street-wise evaders found this out and
they would tap the bumper to trigger the airbag if the cops were too close
in pursuit, disabling the vehicle. (This also may have been how Ford was
able to guarantee the ability to inspect the vehicle after the bags were
deployed, as it was a testing situation.)
----------------------------------------------------
From: spectre@uiuc.edu (Ian Chai)
There's a group on this campus called
STUDENTS FOR LIFE
Hmm, and they're not mostly graduate students, either...
[Note: This is not to make fun of the pro-life movement or graduate
students... after all, I *am* a grad student and 'mostly pro-life'...]
--------------------------
I just saw this on a mailing list I'm subscribed to:
]I woke up this morning with something on my mind I've been wanting to express
]to my brothers for the longest of time. Bare with me.
What? Right *now*? In front of all these people?
----------------------------------------------------
From: "Kuo-Sheng (Kasey) Chang" [kschang@sfsuvax1.sfsu.edu]
Drunk-Driving Suspect Led Police to Jail
San Francisco Chronicle, 7-8/93, Page A20
Fremont -- A drunken-driving suspect who led police on a wild midnight
chase landed in jail even before his arrest when he crashed into the
building that houses the city lockup.
"He didn't have too far to go from there," said Fremont police Captain
Mike Lanam. "It was like a drive-up window."
During the chase through city streets late Monday, Michael Anthony Dorsey
ran at least 15 red lights and sidswiped several cars before slamming
his black 1980 Corvette into the City Jail, police said. Two officers
were hurt during the episode.
----------------------------------------------------
From: dasher@netcom.com (Anton Sherwood)
How many quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
If you knew exactly, you wouldn't be able to find the bulb.
(seen on an office door at CMU)
----------------------------------------------------
From: kshep@netcom.com (Kirk Sheppard)
************** "It is Better to Die on Your Feet Than to **************
Live On Your Knees."
- Emiliano Zapata
----------------------------------------------------
From: cate3@netcom.com
I just heard another fun one today. The story of someone sending in a photocopy of a floppy is fairly common. Well a support person called back, said they were having a problem with the photocopy. The user apologized and said it wasn't until after the photocopy had been sent that they realized it was a double sided floppy.
----------------------------------------------------
From: MIKE_HALPERIN.pittsburgh@xerox.com
In a season in which the Atlanta Falcons were not playing so well (there have
been more than a few of those), a season ticket holder found himself unable to
attend a game. He tried selling the tickets, but got no takers. He even tried
giving them away, but no one wanted to bother going downtown to see the Falcons
lose again. Finally, the day before the game, he took one last shot at getting
rid of the tickets: while shopping at a local mall, he simply put the two
tickets under his windshield wiper for anyone in the parking lot to pick up.
He returned a few hours later, to find *six* Falcon tickets on his windshield.
----------------------------------------------------
From: Jalil_Oloumi.osbu_south@xerox.com
This was heared on the radio in LA area shortly after the Jan 17th Earthquake.
The DJ of a local station trying to report the weather on a rainy day.
(Note: the earthquake had hit real early in the morning and numerous
aftershocks occurred the following nights).
"We have been waking up together lately, now we have to take shower together.
Heavy showers in the LA area ....."
----------------------------------------------------
From: Vincent.Cate@furmint.nectar.cs.cmu
CLIPPER:
Clinton's Leap Into Privacy Poaching Encryption Regulations
----------------------------------------------------
From: jjsterre@acs.ucalgary.ca
The Economist, Feb 12-18 1994, p. 8, "Painting the Town Red" (a letter to
the editor)
"Sir - Your article on the exhibition of Socialist Realist art (January 22nd) [Socialist Realism was the official Soviet art style] reminded me of
the difference between Socialist Realism and other schools of art.
Impressionism entails painting what you see; expressionism involves painting
what you feel; and Socialist Realism is painting what you are told.
Charles Scott, Norwalk, Connecticut"
----------------------------------------------------
From: blackje@oceana.crd.ge.com (Emmett Black)
--------
From: egstreet@jemima.edaal.ingr.com (Elisabeth Green Streeter)
Subject: Re: PA Potholes
A Madison (AL) woman totaled her car on the main N/S road through town
when she hit a parked car off the side of the road. She was attempting
to avoid a huge pothole in front of the local nursing home!
--------
]From: Greg Kuchta [gregku@brador.UCSD.EDU
]
]
]Bob Brubaker write:
]
] Desperately seeking bigger pot-holes
]
]Have you tried Pennsylvania?
]
] -A friend broke his car frame on I-81 (ok, it was rusted but it did
] break when he hit a pot hole).
]
] -Several reports of holes in bridges on the Schuylkill (Sure-Kill)
] Expressway, but the holes were spotted by persons BELOW the
] expressway bridge.
]
]Had several civil engineer friends who confirmed the primary reason they
]pave rodes in Pennsylvania is to put pot holes in them :-)
OK, it's true - I have first hand experience with PA potholes ...
Back when I used to live in PA, the going rumor was that,
in order to trim the state/commonwealth's expenses, and to
become more efficient, that they would merge the highway department
and the fish and game commision ... the new organization would
no longer repair pot-holes ... but would fill them with water and
stock them with trout... their name ?
"The Department of Trout and Transportation" ...
[I'm not making this up :-)]
--Emmett blackje@crd.ge.com
A scientist builds so he can learn; an engineer learns so he can build...
----------------------------------------------------
From: Robert Cherry:Roch817
Here is a Clinton story making the rounds. It comes from Leadville
Colorado republican Ken Chlouber via newpaper cronies Gail Pitts and
Lee Olson. It goes like this...
President Clinton, angry at Colorado's response to the grazing-fee
increase decides to strike back. After a bit of study, he calls in
Bruce Babbitt and says, "There are 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado.
That's way too many. Fire half of them!
Babbit goes to do as he is told. But before he can carry out the
order, Pat Schroeder calls Clinton.
"Hold On!", she says. "You're not going to fire any cattle guards
untio you give them at least six months of retraining!"
------------------
A man walked into the Brio coffee store downtown recently and
discreetly asked if he could use the restroom.
The woman behind the counter handed him a small cream pitcher, when he
stared at in diksbelief.
"The restroom key is attached to it," she said.
"Oh," he said with relief
----------------------------------------------------
from dmjs@netcom.com (David M. J. Saslav) sig file
If one is both unscrupulous and apathetic,
could one be said to lack both principle and interest?
----------------------------------------------------
From: Allen D C:MARL:Rx
]From the Toronto Globe & Mail - 26th Feb 1994
"All I remember was Ms Fudge running towards me screaming 'Smoking kills!' and, next thing I knew, I was on a life-support machine in intensive care,"John Turcotte told an Ontario court.
Janice Fudge, 45 an anti-smoking vigilante, was charged with aggravated assault, after attacking Turcotte, 64, in the lobby of her apartment building. The prosecution explained what happened:"Turcotte was smoking outside, when the superintendent beckoned him into the lobby. Seconds later, Ms Fudge began screaming ' Cigarettes can damage your health - here's how', hit him over the head with a copper tea trivet, pulled his entire shirt through the sleeve of his jacket, then repeatedly stabbed him with a carving knife."
As she was led away, Ms Fudge yelled at reporters: " I was a 40-a-day person. I've done very well without them. Do I look tense?"
----------------------------------------------------
From: MASCHLER@vms.huji.ac.il [Michael Maschler]
A Jerusale Rabbi died and was on his way to Paradise. At the gate an angel
stopped him, ordering him to wait until another more important person entered.
And indeed, another person entered. He was a taxi driver from Jerusalem, known
to the Rabbi, who died in the same day. He was indeed well received: Angels
greeted him with trumpets and escorted him to Paradise. Only after the man
entered, the angel indicated to the Rabbi that he too could come.
The Rabbi was genually surprised. "I don't understand" he said to the angel,
"I was practicing religion all my life, I used to be a well known Rabbi in
Jerusalem. This man was a plain taxi driver. How come you treat him with such
respect and nobody seems to even notice that I come?"
"Well", said the angel, "in our books it is written that when you gave a sermon,
everybody slept, but when he drove everybody prayed."
----------------------------------------------------
From: sjones@cclink.logicon.com (Jones, Scott T.)
"the world is full of sane people taking medication to help them deal
with the insane people who won't take their medication."
----------------------------------------------------
From: "Mike Haas" [haas@starnine.com]
------------- my navy days...
In a Poseidon nuclear sub, you must pass through the
reactor compartment to get from the fore part of the ship
to the engineering spaces. This would not be possible,
but for a small room at the very top of the compartment
with a big watertight door at each end through which you pass.
This little room is called the tunnel.
Now while the tunnel is shielded, folks are never supposed to
hang around too long because there are some low-level
hot spots in known locations. Well, one day as we were tied up
in port with all systems shutdown, I passed rearward
through the tunnel to see a seaman from the sub tender we
were tied up to sitting there smoking a cigarette right by one of
these live places. Obviously, he didn't know where he was and
probably just on lunch or something, but I decided to
show him how he shouldn't wander around places like that.
I picked up a geiger counter and
began casually surveying the other side of the room. You
could hear the infrequent *click*s, but as I was intentionally
avoiding the active spots, it was nothing much. He was barely
paying any attention to me as I slowly moved around the room
toward him. As I got about 2 feet away, I manuvered closer to
the good stuff, and the *click*s picked up. I'll never forget
the look on his face as the clicks turned to a dull roar just
as I approached his arm (the counter was on the most sensitive
scale). His eyes got real wide, gasped and flew out of there
like a lightning bolt!
We never spoke a word, but I'll bet he never headed in THAT
direction on a sub again!
----------------------------------------------------
From: LOLSON@conduit-po.conduit.uiowa.edu
There was a butcher whose greatest desire was to have no
chickens left in the butcher shop at the end of the week.
One Saturday evening he had one chicken left in the barrel
where he kept the chickens. it was almost closing time when
a customer walked in. The customer asked if he had any
chickens and, delighted, he replied in the affirmative and
weighing the chicken, found it weighed 3 1/2 pounds. The
customer replied, "oh, do you have a larger one, that won't
quite do." Well, the butcher thought hard. He had never
done anything dishonest before, but he'd never been this
close to selling all his chickens, either. So, hoping God
would forgive just this once, he said he did. He rattled
the chicken aorund in the barrel and then pulled it out and
placed it (and his thumb) on the scale. With his thumb, the
chicken came to 4 1/2 pounds. At that, the customer said,
"Oh, good, I'll take them both!!"
----------------------------------------------------
From: jhwang@wiley.csusb.edu [Jimmy Hwang]
Incidently, I must tell you a true story. This is not a joke and must be
the conversation of today. Here is a phone call that I received yesterday.
Caller: "My colleague from another campus told me that he sent me an e-
mail. The mail carrier just came and it's not there."
Jimmy: "Did you check your mailbox?"
Caller: "Yes, I did check my mailbox. I don't see nothing."
Jimmy: "You should be able to find your email under the Windows."
Caller: "Which window? I checked the window and the bookshelf. It's just
not there."
Jimmy: "I know network card and email is installed in your office and in
all faculty's offices.
Caller: "I thought so too."
Jimmy: "You should be able to turn on your new PC and follow the Icons on
the Windows to find your mailbox."
Caller: "You mean I need to use my computer to check my E-mail?"
Jimmy: "......" (a long silence!)
The caller is a faculty member on campus and, like every faculty on campus,
has an advanced 486/PC with 8MB in the office.
----------------------------------------------------
From: "Louise Cate" [catel@vnet.ibm.com]
Appender: Jim Privett, Manassas
Reading about the problems people have trying to get help reminded
me of some of my own problems during my struggles over the years.
Given an earlier vein where we re-composed (de-composed?) some
popular songs, I played around the other night with putting my
thoughts to music and - well - this is the result. Perhaps keeping
such of our own experiences in mind might help keep us remain sensitive
when dealing with customers. At any rate, enjoy...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was younger, so much younger than today
Didn't know which key gave help, this was before CUA
Now when I get all bogged down, and I've given it my best
And I need some online help, I know that F1's pressed!
:chorus on.
Help me if you can, I'm so confused
And even though I know that F1's used
The pop-up text I get is so obtuse
Won't you please, please help me...
:chorus off.
Then I reach down, grab a phone, gotta make a high-cost call
They once offered toll-free help, but now no one does that at all
A machine picks up the line, and after some 15 menus
I get some flunky's phone-mail spiel; he's vacationing til June!
:chorus on.
Help me if you can, pick up the phone!
Don't leave me sitting here so all alone!
Oh please I long to hear a HUMAN tone!
Won't you please, please help me...
:chorus off.
So I reach up for a manual, vol 1 of 32
Spend the next week sitting there, reading each one through and through
When at last I find the section I've been searching for
My machine has version 5, but the books are version 4!
:chorus on.
Help me if you can, I've read the books
I could not find where I could have been mistook
And now my boss is giving me some nasty looks
Won't you please, please help me, help me! Help me-e-e, oooouuuuuuuuu
:chorus off.
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page