From cate3@netcom.com Tue Mar 21 09:08:39 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life D.A
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 15 Apr 94 09:22:17 PDT (Friday)
Subject: Life D.A
The following are from the humor list:
HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu (Or HUMOR@uga.bitnet)
To add yourself send to LISTSERV@UGA.bitnet the command
SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname, as the first line in the message
----------------------------------------------------
From: Jeffry J Simpson [Jeffry@wordperfect.com]
I had to reply to this one. At WordPerfect we have toll free
support and up until lately anyone could call in with any problem.
One day a lady called in with printer problems. The technician had
her make sure it was on. (She said it was) He had her check the
cords. (all were connected). He had her check the installation (She
had a print driver). They checked everything he could think of
finally he begain to get suspious and ask her to describe her
printer.
She replied by describing the CPU and Monitor. She didn't have a
printer and assumed it was part of the computer.
(Believe it or not!)
--------------------------
From: JOHN STONE [JSTONE@letterkenn-emh2.army.mil]
IBM has just announced a new error code!
This code explains a vast array of computer errors.
P.E.B.C.K.
Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard.
--------------------------
From: "D. E. Gulledge" [gulledge@grits.valdosta.peachnet.edu]
One of my students recently told me that Bill Clinton was in trouble with
the IRS for claiming Head of Household status on his tax return.
--------------------------
From: Sharon Rondeau [SKR2%PSUADMIN.BITNET@uga.cc.uga.edu]
Subj: Some Gems from Milton Berle
I never liked you and I always will.
There's no such thing as an old joke. If you haven't heard it before,
it's new.
Where do I get my material? My mother taps telephone wires.
I have a 30-year contract...and the lawyer who drew it up for me got the
same sentence.
My sister married a second lieutenant...the first one got away.
My other brother is a brigadier general...or maybe he's just usually in
the brig.
--------------------------
From: "Dr. David Lustig" [David.Lustig@syntex.com]
Q: What is the difference between Clinton's Health Plan and Elvis?
A: Some people still think that Elvis is alive.
(allegedly told by Bob Dole to a group of Pharmaceutical company CEOs yesterday)
--------------------------
From: "Melanie Brann (Tel 252 1240)" [Melanie.Brann@AUSPORT.TELEMEMO.AU]
Q: How do you crash a houseboat party?
A: You just barge in!
--------------------------
From: "William A. Reitwiesner" [wrei@SEQ1.LOC.GOV]
Once there was an elephant who had a very bad cold. He was all stuffed up
and couldn't breathe through his nose. "No one has ever suffered as much
as I", he said to himself. Eventually he became convinced that his hours
were numbered, so he gathered his family and friends around him and gave
away his possessions. The next day he woke up in perfect health and
penniless.
The moral is: Just because your trunk is packed doesn't mean you're ready
to go.
--------------------------
From: Bill [BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU]
HUMOROUS NEWS from Mexico
Yesterday, I returned from a trip to Mexico. The highlight of
the trip was a train ride on the Chihauhau Pacifico. The train
connects the cities of Chihauhau in northern central Mexico with
Los Mochis on the Pacific coast. The route takes the riders through
beautiful desserts and tremendous mountains. A 15 minute stop at a
lookout to see a spectacular view of the Copper Canyon, sojourners.
Saturday I rode the tourist class train back from El Fuerte to
Chihauhau. I saw the local service train coming from Chihauhau which
was headed to Los Mochis. It was filled with holiday travelers for
Palm Sunday weekend. I read in the Sunday newspaper that that local
service train was later higjacked by a lone bandit. My reading
knowledge of Spanish is limited, but the bandit apparently stopped
the train by blocking the tracks. He was persuaded to allow the
train to continue (and this is the funny part) after the conductor
agreed to pay the bandit 150 pesos (about 5 dollars American). The
bandit joined the travelers, but later jumped off the train near
El Fuerte.
--------------------------
From: Jack Kolb [IKW4GWI@UCLAMVS.BITNET]
"I hear they arrested Paddy again," said one bar patron to
another. "How does it feel to have a thief in the family?"
"Paddy's not a thief," his cousin protested. "He's just got
a talent for finding things. It's not his fault that he finds
them before they're lost."
--------------------------
From: Ian Chai [spectre@UIUC.EDU]
]From the "About the author" section on a scientific paper about
Object-Oriented programming:
Jim Coplien is a member of the Software Production Research Department
of AT&T Bell Laboratories in Naperville, Illinois. He is author of
"Advanced C++ Programming Styles and Idioms," the foremost high-end
C++ book in the industry (and one of the first books to tout object-
oriented patterns, so to speak). Much of his current work focuses on
understanding organizations and development processes, though he keeps
his hand in the object paradigm, in architecture and design, and in
development environments and tools. When he grows up, he wants to be
a cultural anthropologist.
--------------------------
From: Matthew Grob [Matthew.Grob@MCHIS.MED.NYU.EDU]
Subj: Fortune Teller
A sign on the storefront of a Fortune Teller/Mystic on
Second Avenue and 34th Street in New York City reads:
SEE WAHT THE FUTURE HAS IN STORE FOR YOU
I guess spelling lessons will be first.
--------------------------
From: "Wayland Wasserman (temp)" [waylandw@MAILPO2.ASYM2PO.ASYMETRIX.COM]
On my way in this morning I heard one of the lesser puns of that past few
weeks.
They were talking about the submarine service in Loch Ness and how there
were already 500 people coughing up the $100 to go for the one hour trip.
There are also a bunch of couples who want to get married on the sub.
Problem is they can't find a clergyman who wants to be the Loch Ness
Minister.
--------------------------
From: Robert.D.Reynolds@ASU.EDU
These two guys frrom North Dakota see two men fishing in the middle of
a plowed field. The first guy says, "We better go over there and tell them
they won't catch anything out there."
The other one says, "We can't. We don't have a boat."
--------------------------
From: David Christian [DCHRISTI@NDSUVM1.BITNET]
A long time ago, when I was in the Marines studying electronic repair, one of
my instructors poses the following question...
"If electricity flows in a manner similar to water, why is it then that the
electrons don't spill out of the outlets in a room and drown us? Or is that
where we get static electricity?
Just think of the implications...we would have to go around grounded, or at
the very least, wearing garmets made of insulated materials. Hmmmm...
--------------------------
From: "Corey J. Cooper" [corey@NETCOM.COM]
James Thurber wrote a very funny story about his great-aunt, who
believed (among other strange things) that if a socket didn't have a plug
in it, all the elecricity was spilling on the floor. (If I remember
correctly) She would stalk around the house, plugging things into open
sockets and crying 'AH-HA' each time.
James Thurber is highly recommended for anyone who wants a good laugh.
--------------------------
From: Tommy Hughes [HUE@USCN.BITNET]
An usurer was earnestly intreating a preacher strongly to censure
usury. The preacher, thinking the usurer was willing to be converted:
"Ah! sir," said he, "I perceive in you the happy effects of the grace
of God."
"You do not understand me," said the usurer. "There are so many
usurers in the town, that I can get nothing; if by your preachings you
could make them leave off the trade, I should have alone all the
customers." (Father Abraham's Almanack for 1779)
--------------------------
From: "DNA:THE SPLICE OF LIFE" [MASMITH@MICKEY.CARIBOO.BC.CA]
Apparently this guy walks into a gun shop to buy a handgun. Now, with the
Brady bill in effect, there is a five day waiting period during which the
gunshop owner is supposed to check out this guy for a criminal record or
a history of mental illness (perfectly reasonable in my opinion). The guy
returns to find that the gunshop owner will not sell him the weapon (Wonder
why? We shall see.). In a fit of indignation the guy goes down to the police
station to complain that he was not permitted to buy a weapon. The police
check into it, and slap the cuffs on him- click,click. This guy had an
outstanding warrant for his arrest on fraud charges. Duh!
--------------------------
From: Sara Rummelhart [RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET]
I, too, enjoyed Lewis Grizzard's humor. Monday after his death, his
newspaper, the Atlanta Constitution published a list of his most
memorable lines. Here they are, plus one they didn't print.
On dogs
A dog doesn't care where you've been, who you've been with or
what you've been doing. A dog is just glad you're home. You can't
say that about a lot of people.
On sports
I'm against the New York Yankees, no matter who they are
playing; I don't like John McEnroe of tennis because he's a
whining little rich boy with a dirty mouth; and I'm against
any wrestler who wears a mask, especially if his belly also
flops over the top of his tights.
On music
The trouble with young people today is you could put lyrics
to the sound of a power saw being cranked and they would show up
to listen to four hoodlums with orange hair play it.
--------------------------
From: Mark Vellek [mvellek@BIGCAT.MISSOURI.EDU]
My insurance salesman had a cute anecdote that is true:
He and his wife took their 5 year old little girl out to dinner at any
place she wanted. She chose, wisely, one of the most expensive places in
town to eat.
Once they were there, she likes shrimp, so they ordered her a shrimp
cocktail and they both ordered escargot. When the appetizers arrived, she
asked innocently, "What are those, and can I try one?" They explained
what they were, where they come from and that they are a delicacy in
France. Then they said, "Sure, honey."
Turns out she really liked them, so she turned to her mommy and said,
"Mommy, I would gladly trade you my shrimp for your catepillars."
--------------------------
From: Robert Nordvall [Robert.C.Nordvall@ADMIN.GETTYSBURG.EDU]
In the mid 1950s Krushchev came to power in the Soviet Union and gave
his famous speech denouncing Stalin and the Stalinist reign of
terror. As a follow-up to this speech, Krushchev wanted to exhume
Stalin and to bury him outside of the Soviet Union. He approached
Eisenhower who was President of the United States. Eisenhower
expressed sympathy with the idea but pointed out that if it ever
became known (as was very likely with the aggressive media in the US)
that he had sanctioned the burial of Stalin in the United States or
US territory, it would be a political disaster for him and for the
Republican party.
So Krushchev went to Anthony Eden, the prime minister of Great
Britain. He got essentially the same answer.
In desperation Krushchev talked to David Ben Gurion, the head of
Israel. The Soviet Union at this time had no diplomatic relations
with Israel. Still Ben Gurion was more encouraging. Israel had a
lot of desert. The Army and the intelligence community could be
counted on to keep a secret. Yes it could be done, but Ben Gurion
noted "Mr. Premier, there is one thing I must warn you about."
Krushchev asked "what?"
To which Ben Gurion replied "My country has the world's highest
resurrection rate."
--------------------------
From: Ian Chai [spectre@UIUC.EDU]
This reminds me of the political cartoon I saw a couple of years ago.
At the time, some senator was being extremely anti-immigrant and was
trying to push through some anti-immigrant legislation.
Aide: Senator, there is a gentleman to see you. He says he very
much agrees with your anti-immigrant ideas. He says we
should send all the stinking foreigners back where they
came from.
Senator: Great! Send him in! What's his name?
Aide: Big Chief Angry Bull.
--------------------------
From: Ian Chai [spectre@UIUC.EDU]
Subj: FIRST RULE OF CRIME: DON'T GET SIDETRACKED
When a man pulled two guns on convenience store clerk Wazir Jiwi and
demanded money, Jiwi asked how much he wanted for one of the guns. He said
$100, which Jiwi paid him. Then Jiwi offered to buy the second gun. The
robber handed it over, grabbed the cash and headed for the exit. But Jiwi
had pushed a button under the counter that automatically locked the door.
"He turned to me and asked what was going on," Jiwi says. "I told
him to bring the money back and I would let him go. He brought the money back,
and I opened the door."
--------------------------
From: "Corey J. Cooper" [corey@NETCOM.COM]
I'm a few miles away from the epicenter, and have seen a few signs
myself. All of the following are just sprayed with a can of paint, and
therefore could also be considered graffitee
One of the more famous is a sheet of plywood on one of the freeways
leading into L.A.:
Welcome to L.A. Some assembly required.
About a mile from me is an apartment building whos front half decided to
move North and down about 6 feet (the back half was satisfied where it
was), on it's side is:
Rooms for rent: $10.00
--------------------------
From: Tommy Hughes [HUE@USCN.BITNET]
A courtier being very sick and much indebted, told his confessor that
the only favor he had to ask of God was to prolong his life till he
could pay all his debts. "That is a good motive," replied the
confessor, "and it is to be hoped that God will hear your prayer."
"If God would do me that favor," said the sick man, in turning himself
towards one of his friends, "I should be very certain never to die."
(Father Abraham's Almanack for 1779)
Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early American
Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press.
--------------------------
From: Whitmark Christop CDT [x63555f1@USMA3.USMA.EDU]
There was four Army Rangers paddeling a small raft down a stream. They
were on a very important mission. Well, God decided to do a lil' experiment on
these dedicated individuals. He took out half of their brains. Well, this
slowed them down a bit, but they still drove on wanting to complete the
mission. So, God took another half, leaving them with a quarter of a brain
each. This really slowed them down, but did not stop them. So, God, still not
content, removed the rest of the brain. All four Rangers stood up and started
singing, "From the Halls of Montezuma, to the shores of Galilee..."
--------------------------
From: Berton Corson [0005280397@MCIMAIL.COM]
One more Northridge Earthquake Sign that was humorous. On Reseda Blvd.,
at a house with severe damage, the owner sticks up a plywood sign spray
painted that just says:
"I'VE SHOULD HAVE USED LEGO"
--------------------------
From: Janice Calder [CALDER@ADMIN.HUMBERC.ON.CA]
Two college students were trying to make some money for school during the
summer break. They decided to paint houses for the summer. To increase their
profit margin, they watered down the paint so it would go further (even
though the paint job didn't last as long). The last house they were painting
for the season was of an elderly widow woman. The one student remarked that
they had enough money to pay their tuition and should give this old women a
full strength paint job. The other student disagreed and just wanted to get
the job done which they did. As they were cleaning up clouds parted, the sky
opened and an angel appeared to the students. The angel looked upon them and
in a loud booming voice said 'REPAINT YOU THINNERS'.
--------------------------
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