From cate3@netcom.com Thu Mar 30 10:55:29 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life D.D
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 28 Apr 94 10:59:41 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life D.D
The following are from:
netwit
Whim
Desperado
Art Mellor's collection
Selections from Old Farmer's Almanac
----------------------------------------------------
NetWit, a humor mailing list, is run by:
Jeff Knodel [knodel@news.cis.ohio-state.edu]
--------------------------
From: lyn@anchor.esd.sgi.com (Lyn Dearborn)
I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the
accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For
the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that
can't be measured in monetary terms.
Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have
that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by
subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should
someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly
understand his long delay.
--------------------------
| fortune cookies lyn@anchor.esd.sgi.com (Lyn Dearborn) |
The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go
to erase it.
-- Glaser and Way
--------------------------
| submission Chip Switzer [chipsw@microsoft.com] |
"Well, for one thing, I find that I no longer win every golf game I play."
- George Bush, on life after the presidency.
----------------------------------------------------
from WHIM, a Bitnet mailing list
WHIM - "a discussion list for \"Humour Studies/""
WHIM@tamvm1.tamu.edu
--------------------------
From: "Terry Morgan, Alfred, NY" [MORGANTM@SNYALFVA.BITNET]
Add to the growing list of 'seasonal' songs that are not PC and
should not be performed "Silent Nignt" and "Do You Hear What I Hear"
because these songs are insensitive to the hearing impaired. And in
an very slightly related vein, it's is no longer "Slick Willy" but
"frictionally challenged Willy"
--------------------------
From: Ed Eckert & Coffee the Wonder Dog [CRFRESLIFE@CRF.CUIS.EDU]
Bumper sticker (at least that's where email from another _list_
said it came from):
My idea of camping is when room service is late.
--------------------------
From: Bill Bridges [bbridges@NMSU.EDU]
How about a line for the chorus of an as yet unwritten country and western
song, anent earthquake jokes: On the Richter Scale of love she's a 6.6, but
she still ain't the big one.
----------------------------------------------------
The following is from Desperado, a mailing list run by:
John R.Covert [daemon@covert.enet.dec.com]
--------------------------
From: US2RMC::"doughty@HQ.Ileaf.COM"
I recently saw a TV ad for a new 900 number service. The idea is you
call this 900 number and they ask you a bunch of "True or False"
questions which you answer with your touch-tone key pad. At the end,
they tell you your IQ. They advertise the service as accurate and
scientific.
The ad concludes so: Dial 1-900-244-SMART; that's 1-900-244-7627.
Just how low an IQ do you have to have to be unable to make the
translation between the mnemonic phone number and the digits?
--------------------------
From: US2RMC::"jo@odi.com"
A correspondent writes:
Clinton, at a press conference on his first 100 days in office, said,
"When William Henry Harrison was this far into his administration,
he'd been dead for 68 days!"
--------------------------
From: US2RMC::"jo@odi.com" "Jonathan Ostrowsky"
This week's issue of the National Enquirer has the winners of their
"favorite prayer" contest. The one that sticks in my mind is, "Dear
God, help me become the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
--------------------------
From: MUZICK::SPELLMAN
When I was 11 (a frighteningly long time ago), I had a chance to see one of
Tinguely's sculptures. My father was a sculpter at the time, so we went to
a lot of museums. Although this piece wasn't a self destructing device, it
was quite animated.
You could hear it from the next room and upon entering, you ware met with a
very un-museumlike energy. People were talking, kids were scurryng, beach
balls were everywhere (including the air), and the sculpture/machine was
doing its thing. "Its thing" was to take beach balls (collected and fed by
museum goers, even those in jackets and ties), process them for a while
with gears, pullies, rollers, pipes, chains, levers, rails, etc., and then
fire them up out of the top in a slightly random direction. The room was
pleasant happy mayhem. It was the sort of thing one would expect from Dr.
Seuss if he had gone into sculpting.
----------------------------------------------------
The following are selections from a collection of humor built in 1991 by
art@midnight.com (Art Mellor)
--------------------------
From: A_Fan@cayman.Cayman.COM
Once, a barber found two MIT students wanting to buy his barber
poles. They offered a good price for it, so the barber sold it
to them. So - these two guys drove around all day in a pickup
truck carrying the barber poles. They kept getting stopped by
the police, who were sure they had stolen the poles. But each
time, the students referred back to the barber they had bought
the poles from. So finally, an APB went out all over Boston,
saying that if police saw two students driving around with
barber poles, they should leave them alone.
The next day, every single barber pole in Boston was missing.
--------------------------
]From an article torn out of some paper and stuck (via electro-static cling)
to my monitor by an unidentified source:
A favorite story about Start Trek VI - The Undiscovered Country: "In the scene
where members of the Enterprise are having dinner with the Klingons, the
food they used was squid dyed blue. But none of the actors wanted to eat it.
So Nick Meyer (the director) offered to pay everyone $20 a bite. The only
person who made money was Bill Shatner; he made $80."
From: gil@wrangel0 (Gil Cote)
This here is an interesting story I read in a book called,
365 BeerTime Stories. I figure I would share this one with you guys.
New York Giants Manager John J.McGraw guided his baseball
team to two consecutive World Series victories over the Yankees in
1921 and 1922. At one point, McGraw told his ballplayers that it was
a sifn of good luck if they could spot a beer wagon before going to
the game.McGraw then hired a driver to haul a wagon outside the ball
park when he knew his players would be arriving for an important game
in the World Series. His team won.McGraw then hired the driver for the
rest of the series, and the Giants won every game. Known as "Little
Napoleon",McGraw managed the Giants to ten major league victories from
1904-1924.
Pretty interesting eh? If this gets good reviews, i'll post a
story for the next 365 days, my that's a whole year. Cheers.
----------------------------------------------------
The following was forwarded to me by:
From: Dave Buck [dave@bucksm.com]
-------
From: dlb!unislc!psw (Paul Willard)
3 Feb 1994
Dave,
I received a book for Christmas "The best of the Old Farmer's
Almanac, The first 200 years" - 1992 - Editor Judson Hale.
The book contains 250 pages of excerpts from this periodical which
dates back to when George Washington was President of the United States.
Here are some that I thought might be interesting for the humor
netork people. The year is shown by most of the items.
Paul Willard
--------------------------
Q. Will you instruct your daughter in the different languages?
A. No, sir. One tougue's enough for a woman.
--------------------------
Go not to your doctor for every ail, nor to your lawyer for every
quarrel, nor to your pitcher for every thirst. (1802)
--------------------------
One vice adds fuel to another. (1841)
--------------------------
Fools will worship a mule that carries gold. (1849)
--------------------------
Persons struck by lightning should not be given up as dead for at
least three hours. During the first two hours, they should be
drenched freely with cold water and, if this fails to produce
restoration, then add salt and continue the drenching for another hour. (1855)
--------------------------
The Old Farmer believes that our government will use every means to keep
us out of war. (1940)
--------------------------
"How did you get along with your wife in that last arguement?"
"Oh, she came crawling to me on her knees."
"Yeah? What did she say?'
"She called me a coward and dared me to come out from under
the bed." (1952)
--------------------------
About body moles.....
A mole on the outside corner of either eye denotes person to be
steady, sober, and sedate disposition, but will be liable to a
violent death.
A mole on the lip, either upper or lower, proves the person to
be fond of delicate things and very much given to the pleasures
of love, in which he or she will commonly be successful.
A mole on the belly denotes the person to be addicted to sloth
and gluttony, selfish in almost all article, and seldon inclined
to be nice or careful in point of dress. (1966)
--------------------------
The moon has gotten to man many centuries before man has gotten
to the moon. (1962)
--------------------------
Man
At 10 a child, at 20 wild,
At 30 tame, if ever;
At 40 wise, at 50 rich,
At 60 good, or never. (1856)
--------------------------
Concerning kisses (1858)
"The kiss," says an ancient woman-hater, "is the aurora of love
but the sunset of chastity."
"After the first kiss there follows a second, then a third, and so
upward on the many-runged ladder of love the ultima Thule. One kiss
is very little and yet very much. It is the workless interpreter of
two hearts, which by this one breath tell each other more than by myriad
words. The kiss is the high priest who initiates the heart into the
Elysian mysteries of love."
The monks of the Middle Ages - great theorists - divided
the kiss into fifteen distinct and separate orders:
1. The decorous or modest kiss
2. The diplomatic kiss, or kiss of policy
3. The spying kiss, to ascertain if a woman had drunk wine
4. The slave kiss
5. The kiss infamous (a church penance)
6. The slipper kiss (practiced toward tyrants)
7. The judicial kiss
8. The feudal kiss
9. The religious kiss (kissing the cross)
10. The academic kiss (on joining a solemn brotherhood)
11. The hand kiss
12. The Judas kiss
13. The medical kiss (for the purpose of healing some sickness)
14. The kiss of etiquette
15. The kiss of love - the only real kiss.
--------------------------
The perfect husband: a man what is careful of his clothes, don't drink
spirits, can read the Bible without spelling out the words, and can
eat a cold dinner on washday. (1853)
--------------------------
How to find your perfect mate - by Tim Clark
- Think of the one you love while you swallow a four-leaf clover,
and your love will be returned.
- Offer your lover a double-fudge sundae. Chocolate is rich in
phenylethylamine, a substance related to amphetimines, which may
be responsible for the erratic behaviour of people in love.
- Hard-boil an egg, cut it in half, discard the yolk, and fill the egg
halves with salt. Sit on something you have never sat on before, eat
the egg, and walk to bed backward. You will dream of your future mate.
--------------------------
A sour-faced wife is the liquor dealer's friend. (1872)
--------------------------
Some know just enough to excite their pride but not enough to cure
their ignorance. (1844)
--------------------------
His neighbors say that things are coming to a pretty pass. They honestly
believe Farmer Brown enjoys the radio more than he does the party
telephone. (1935)
--------------------------
Craft must have clothes, but truth prefers to go naked. (1796)
--------------------------
A man's reputation is like his shadow: sometimes it follows and sometimes
it precedes him; and at times it is longer and other times it is shorter
than he is. (1910)
--------------------------
Mules make a great fuss about their ancestors having been horses. (1881)
--------------------------
A joyous smile adds an hour to one's life; a heartfelt laugh, a day;
a grin, not a moment. (1895)
--------------------------
In youth the absence of pleasure is pain; in old age the absence of
pain is pleasure. (1892)
--------------------------
Do nothing in haste except catching fleas and running from a mad dog. (1811)
--------------------------
An old yankee was smoking in the waiting room of a railroad station when
a porter said to him, "Don't you see that notice on the wall - No Smoking
Allowed?"
"Sure," said the old fellow, "but how can I keep all your rules? There's
another on the wall over there that says 'Wear Felicia Corsets.'" (1944)
--------------------------
How Early Can Easter Be?
March 22 is the earliest possible date for Easter. It has not been
celebrated that early since March 22, 1818, and will not be again until
2285. The latest date on which Easter can fall is April 25, on which it
was celebrated last in 1943 and will be next in 2038.
--------------------------
Though misfortune may make a man unhappy, she can never make him
completely and inseparably miserable without his own consent. (1800)
--------------------------
Economy is a way of spending money without getting any fun out of it. (1927)
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