From cate3@netcom.com Tue May 2 09:48:56 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life D.M
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 20 May 94 10:45:35 PDT (Friday)
Subject: Life D.M
The following are from various random sources
----------------------------------------------------
From: jjsterre@acs.ucalgary.ca [James Sterrett]
--------------------------
From: Christopher Duffy, "Red Storm on the Reich: The Soviet March on Germany,
1945", (London: Routledge, 1991), pp. 111-112:
(The Soviets are storming across Poland into Germany.....)
On the morning of January 31st, 1945, Colonel Khariton F. Episenko with
his forward detachment of the Fifth Shock Army passed over the ice of the Oder
on foot and took unopposed possession of the little town of Kienitz.
The episode appeared totally unreal. Berlin radio was broadcasting that the Germans were putting up a brilliant defense in prepared positions on the
Bzura River, not far from Warsaw [and now well behind Soviet lines], and yet
here were the Russians only 68 kilometers from Berlin. German soldiers
were strolling through the streets of Kienitz, and officers were sitting
in a restaurant. It seemed natural for the station master to approach Episenko:
"Are you going to allow the Berlin train to leave?"
To this Episenko replied with due solemnity and elaborate courtesy,
"I am sorry, Station Master, but that is impossible; the passenger service
to Berlin will undergo a short interruption - let us say until the end of the war."
----------------------------------------------------
]From From: spectre@uiuc.edu (Ian Chai)
--------------------------
This may sound like a scene from the comedy, "The Mikado", but these
are actual quotes as translated by Reuters...
The Players:
Prime Minister Morihiro Hosokawa
Socialist Party Chairman Tomiichi Murayama
Democratic Socialist Party head Keigo Ouchi
Socialist secretary-general Wataru Kubo
Shinseito (Japan Renewal Party) co-leader Wataru Kubo
Komeito (Clean Government Party) chief Ichikawa
Hosokawa:
I have decided to step down because of the parliamentary
deadlock and I must clarify my own responsibility over my
personal finances.
[10 *minutes* of silence]
Murayama & Ouchi (to Hosokawa):
We want to discuss this among ourselves.
Kubo, to Ozawa:
What should we do?
Ozawa:
Yes, what should we do?
Kubo, to Ichikawa:
What should we do?
Ichikawa:
It's useless to say 'What should we do?' And it looks like we
can't ask him to take back the decision now that the prime
minister has made his announcement.
All:
Let's all meet at about 5 p.m. to decide what to do next.
--------------------------
AP reported on 4/10/94 that Mike Spencer, disgusted that the paint on
his swimming pool started chpping soon after he sanded and repainted
it, turned his 7'-deep pool into a trout pool and invited friends over
for a fishing party!
After making sure that there was no chlorine or other un-fishy stuff,
he put 200 fingerling rainbow trout from a trout farm and fed fed them
fish-food pellets daily. Then on Saturday he invited 140 friends to
come help clear them out before the summer sun warms up the water and
kills them.
One friend, Jim Martini, whose 3-year-old daughter landed a 12-inch
trout, said, "Mike always comes up with novel things." The last time he
had a brilliant idea, he turned part of his backyard into a $3000
pro-quality putting green.
--------------------------
I read an article dated 14 April 1994 from AP that Dutch scientist Rene
Bult, 29, of Groningen University, has figured out the best way to swat
a fly, after 5 years' research. Apparenlty flies see green and violet
best, but has problems picking out red. They also use 75% of their
brain for sight and this deteriorates significantly in the afternoon
as they become sleepy due to the heat.
So, the best way to hit a fly is:
Wear a red shirt, use a red fly swatter, and do it in
the late afternoon!
And that's the Official Word from Holland today.
--------------------------
Reuter reported on 20 April 1994 that scientists at a pharmaceuticals
firm researching insects wants people to, if they find a flea, "wrap it
in adhesive tape, put it in an envelope, and send it to us."
They want to figure out exactly when and where Britain's fleas come out
and infest dogs and cats. Some fleas jump ten thousand times before
finding a host. "After finding a host, they start an orgy of gluttony
and sex, dying of exhaustion a week later."
--------------------------
Some people have suggested it takes a traumatic childhood, or a blow to the
head, or abduction by sadistic aliens. In fact, it takes all three.
- Scott Adams (cartoonist of "Dilbert")
----------------------------------------------------
From: Donald_P_Grantham.DlosLV300@xerox.com
A man finds a bottle. He rubs it, a Genie pops out.
The Genie says I will grant to you three wishes, but I must ALSO grant double
that to your worst enemy. The Genie says if you wish for a pound of diamonds,
he will get two pounds.
The man frowns, ponders, says OK. I want one blonde, one brunette, one
readhead, all voluptuous and devoted to me.
They appear, fawning all over him. Suddenly his worst enemy appears, with SIX
women adoring HIM.
The man frowns and says I wish for that pound of diamonds. A one pund sack of
diamonds appears at his feet. A TWO pound sack appears at the feet of his
worst enemy, who grins and says NOW what, Jerk! I got SIX beauties, and TWO
pouds of diamonds! What are you going to double for me NOW?
The man looks to the Genie and says I wish for a band of 10 bikers to beat me
half to death.
----------------------------------------------------
From: cate3@netcom.com
One of the variations on the classic joke of a man finding a bottle, rubbing it, a genie popping out and so on is the genie is a lawyer genie. And for every wish the man makes, all the lawyers in the world would get double what the man gets.
And of course the hero wishes to be beaten half to death.
But a true lawyer genie would have beaten all the lawyers in the world half to death, and then beaten them again, another half to death, or only a total of three fourths.
----------------------------------------------------
From: Miles O'Neal [meo@pencom.com]
--------------------------
|From Kelly James Clark at Calvin College in Michigan (clak@calvin.edu).
|
|===================================================================
| HOW TO SPOT OUTCOME-BASED EDUCATION
|
|Math Quiz:
|
|In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
|production is four fifths the price. What is his profit?
|
|In 1970 (traditional math): A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
|His cost of production is 4/5 of the price; in other words $80. What is
|his profit?
|
|In 1970 (new math): A logger exchanges set L of lumber for set M of money.
|The cardinality of set M is 100 and each element is worth $1. Make 100
|dots representing the elements of set M. The set C of costs contains 20
|fewer points than set M. Represent set C as a subset of set M, and answer
|the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?
|
|In 1980. A logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of
|production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the
|number 20.
|
|In 1990 (Outcome -Based Education): By cutting down beautiful forest trees,
|a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
|Topic for class discussion: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?
They forgot to ask:
How do the beautiful forest trees feel about this?
--------------------------
REMEMBER DON'T DRINK BEFORE YOU USE YOUR MODEM.
From: Setheni Davidson (CompuCom)
Trust Congress? Not With This Unbelieveable Lair of Slop
PC Computing, April 1994, page 88.
By John C. Dvorak
When Vice President Gore began talking about the Information Highway, we
all knew the bureaucrats would get involved more than we might like. In
fact, it may already be too late to stop a horrible Senate bill from
becoming law.
The moniker -- Information Highway -- itself seems to be responsible for SB
#040194. Introduced by Senator Patrick Leahy, it's designed to prohibit
anyone from using a public computer network (Information Highway) while the
computer user is intoxicated. I know how silly this sounds, but Congress
apparently thinks that being drunk on a highway is bad no matter what kind
of highway it is. The bill is expected to pass this month.
There already are rampant arguments as to how this proposed law can
possibly be enforced. The FBI hopes to use it as an excuse to do routine
wiretaps on any computer if there is any evidence that the owner "uses or
abuses alcohol and has access to a modem." Note how it slips in the word
'uses'. This means if you've been seen drinking one lone beer, you can have
your line tapped.
Because this law would be so difficult to enforce, police officials are
drooling over the prospect of easily obtaining permits to do wiretaps. Ask
enforcement officials in Washington and they'll tell you the proposed law is
idiotic, but none will oppose it. Check the classified ads in the
"Washington Post" and you'll find the FBI, National Security Agency, and
something called the Online Enforcement Agency (when did they set that up?)
all soliciting experts in phone technology, specifically wiretapping.
It gets worse. The Congressional Record of February 19, 1994, has a report
that outlines the use of computerized BBSes, Internet, Inter-Relay Chat, and
CompuServe CB as "propagating illicit sexual encounters and meetings
between couples -- any of whom are underage... Even people purporting to
routinely have sex with animals are present on these systems to foster their
odd beliefs on the public-at-large." A rider on SB #040194 makes it a felony
to discuss sexual matters on any public-access network, including the
Internet, America Online, and CompuServe.
I wondered how private companies such as America Online can be considered
public-access networks, so I called Senator Barbara Boxer's office and
talked to an aide, a woman named Felicia. She said the use of promotional
cards that give away a free hour or two of service constitues public access.
You know, like the ones found in the back of books or in modem boxes. She
also told me most BBS systems fall under this proposed statute. When asked
how they propose to enforce this law, she said it's not Congress's problem.
"Enforcement works itself out over time," she said.
The group fighting this moronic law is led by Jerome Bernstein of the
Washington law firm of Bernstein, Bernstein and Knowles (the firm that
first took Ollie North as a client). I couldn't get in touch with any
of the co-sponsors of the bill (including Senator Ted Kennedy, if you
can believe it!), but Bernstein was glad to talk. "These people have no
clue about the Information Highway or what it does. The whole thing got
started last Christmas during an antidrinking campaign in the Washington
D.C., metro area," Bernstein said, "I'm convinced someone jokingly told
Leahy's office about drunk driving on the Information High and the idea
snowballed. These senators actually think there is a physical highway.
Seriously, Senator Pat Moynihan asked me if you needed a driving permit
to 'drive' a modem on the Information Highway! He has no clue what a
modem is, and neither does the rest of Congress."
According to Bernstein, the antisexual wording in the bill was attributed
to Kennedy's office. "Kennedy thought that technology was leaving him
behind, and he wanted to be perceived as more up-to-date technologically.
He also thought this would make amends for his alleged philandering."
So, except for Bernstein, Bernstein, and Knowles, and a few members of
the ACLU, there is nothing to stop this bill from becoming law. You can
register your protests with your congressperson or Ms. Lirpa Sloof in
the Senate Legislative Analysts Office. Her name spelled backward says
it all.
----------------------------------------------------
From: Barry Perlman [perlman@think.com]
God appeared on an airplane and announced that He would grant
each passenger one wish. The first person on the aisle was a
Communist, and he wished that all the Fascists in the world
would drop dead. Okay, said God, and proceeded down the aisle.
The next passenger was a Fascist, and he wished that all the
Communists in the world would drop dead. Okay, said God, and
proceeded down the aisle. The next passenger was a Jew, and God
asked him his wish. "Just a moment," said the Jew, "I have a question
first. Will these first two wishes really come true?" "Of course,"
replied God. "In that case," said the Jew, "I'd like a cup of coffee."
----------------------------------------------------
From: Fred Kissinger:WBST129
--------------------------
From: Keith_L_Shaddox.dtfe@Xerox.com
WARNING
*** All identified engineering problems:
MUST BE FIXED to the satisfaction of Field Engineering BY NOON TODAY
MAY10,1994 OR ----
THE SUN WILL BE BLOTTED OUT TO 90% OF NORMAL POWER BY 1:15PM IN WEBSTER
WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY
(Actually we are just observers - but we won't get another opportunity to say
this for 98 years)
----------------------------------------------------
From: jesse@netcom.com (Jesse Montrose)
]Does anyone know why they have locks on the doors at 7-11 if they're
]open 24 hours?
Remember what happened to Denny's a few years ago? They're open 24x7 too,
but they decided a few years ago to close for the day on thanksgiving, only
to discover that the majority of the restaurants had either lost thier keys,
or just plain didn't have locks on the doors..
So it was a thanks giving for the locksmiths.
----------------------------------------------------
From: Dan "Spam" Garcia [ddgarcia@cs.berkeley.edu]
..............................................................................
____ . Dan Garcia . _________ r-,
| _ \ __ _ _ __ . ddgarcia@cs.berkeley.edu . | \./ /
| | | |/ _` | '_ \ . Graduate Student in Computer Science . |* [- ME! |
| |_| | (_| | | | | . University of California at Berkeley . \__ __. /
|____/ \__,_|_| |_| . Check out my waycool home page below . `'\/ \|
ftp://ginsberg.cs.berkeley.edu/html/ddgarcia/home.html
..............................................................................
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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