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Subject: Life D.R
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Status: R
---------------------------------------
Date: 27 May 94 12:07:10 PDT (Friday)
Subject: Life D.R
The following are from the humor list:
HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu (Or HUMOR@uga.bitnet)
To add yourself send to LISTSERV@UGA.bitnet the command
SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname, as the first line in the message
----------------------------------------------------
From: Lee Bradley [lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU]
Subj: French joke [clean]
A man comes into a cafe, orders a coffee, 75 cents, drinks it and flings
3 quarters on the counter. The waiter, somewhat frosted, picks up the coins.
The next day, the same thing happens.
And the next day, same thing.
This farce continues for a month.
Then one day, the man comes in, orders his 75-cent coffee, and pays for
it with a dollar bill. The surprised waiter takes the money, and to reap
his revenge on the customer, slings out the change in 25 pennies
scattered all over the counter. He's savoring his victory when the guy
pulls out two more quarters and says, "Waiter, one more coffee!"
--------------------------
From: Adina Sobo [adinas@AOL.COM]
It's an early evening in a dark and smoky downtown bar. Two men are
sititing side by side on barstools, quaffing beer and talking.
"Hey," says the first one, "you're Irish, aren't you? I'd recognize
that accent anywhere!"
"Of course I'm Irish," says the second man.
"Well, saints be praised, so am I!" replies the first. "Let me buy you
a beer."
So Joe the bartender brings each of them another beer. After a bit, the
second man asks the first, "What part of the auld sod is your family from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"Really? That's where my family is from! My turn to buy YOU a drink."
So the second man calls over the bartended and they toast one another with
their beers and keep talking.
"Where exactly in Dublin are you from?" asks the second man.
"We lived on Killarney Street, on the west side of town," answers the
first.
"I can't believe this!" cries the second man. "I used to live on
Killarney Street, too." He waves at the bartender: "Joe, I want to buy this
man another beer, and pour one for yourself while you're about it."
So, Joe brings over two more beers and pours one for himself. "Wow,
says the first man. "This is really amazing! What was your mother's name?"
"Her name was Mary, may she rest in the arms of our heavenly Father,"
comes the reply.
"What!" Gasps the first man. "My mothers name was also Mary, may she
rest in peace. Joe -- tell everyone in the place that the next round's on
me!"
So, Joe sets up everyone in the place with their next drink.
About this time, another man comes in and sits down at the far end of
the bar and motions for Joe to bring him a whiskey.
"Hiya, Joe," he says, reaching for his wallet. "How're things?"
"Same-old, same-old," Joe answers, polishing a bit of brass with his
apron. "The grill's on the fritz, the wife's sore at me, and -- oh, yeah --
the Murphy twins are plastered again."
--------------------------
From: Tommy Hughes [HUE@USCN.BITNET]
A miser being dead and fairly interred, came to the banks of the river
Styx, desiring to be carried over, along with the other ghosts. Charon
demands his fare, and is surprised to see the miser, rather than pay
it, throw himself into the river and swim over to the other side,
notwithstanding all the clamour and opposition that could be made to
him. All hell was in an uproar; and each of the judges was meditating
some punishment suitable to a crime of such dangerous consequences.
"Shall he be chained to the rock along with Prometheus? Or tremble
below the precipice in company with the Danaides? Or assist Sisyphus
in rolling his stone?" "No," says Minos, "none of these, we must
invent some severer punishment, let him be sent back to the earth, to
see the use his heirs are making of his riches." (The Federal Almanack
for 1795)
Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early American
Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press.
--------------------------
From: Jose Alejandro Ceballos [joal@NEXTSRV1UP.GDL.UP.MX]
"Two gallegos [insert your favorites here] went to Las Vegas,
and one said to the other:
- Come on Manuel, let's play something!.
- No Venancio, I don't know how to play this games like bakara,
BlackJack, poker, etc.
-Neither do I. But look, there are some coin machines. Give me one
coin.
Venancio take the coin, insert it to the machine, pull the trigger
and Cuas, pum, crash, squash -Special effects-....
- We win Venancio!, We win!. Let me do it!.
Manuel takes another coin,insert it to the machine, pull the trigger
and Cuas, pum, crash, squash -Special effects-....
- We win again!. Let do it again.
They do this over and over again, winning each time, until Venancio
said:
- Manuel, I thing we must stop.
- Why? We are winning all the time..
- Yes, but what are we gonna do with that lot of Coke's cans?
And remember: The jokes of gallegos doesn't exist, all of them are
anecdotic.
--------------------------
From: Jan Kucera [kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CZ]
Henry Cate's joke about "draining" the PC reminded me of a practical joke
we played upon our technician of an ICL mainframe. Inspired by HAL 9000
in Space Odyssey we sent a message to the console (adhering to the formal
style of kernel messages) saying:
"SCU failure expected in next 1 hour due to insufficient greasing".
(SCU was a peripheral controller - pure electronic unit with no moving parts).
The operator called the technician, and he began to study the hardware manuals
to find what's going on. After an hour he came to us saying desperately that
according to the manuals there was nothing to grease - and we burst into laugh.
--------------------------
From: Phil Corless [APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET]
With a dog, you feed him, you give him plenty of affection, you
take him for walks and he thinks, "Wow, this guy must be a god.
With a cat, however, you feed him, you love him, you care for him
and he thinks, "Wow, I must be a god."
--------------------------
From: Antonio Oliveros [OLIVEROS@IBERO.UIA.MX]
In a effort to know which police corporation in the world is the best,
a contest is held, There are polices for all over the world. The contest consist
of catching a rabbit in the forest.
The first group is scotland yard. they release the rabbit and two days latter,
they return with the rabbit.
judges: Hey that was very impressive, how do you do it?
S.Y.: We follow the trail of carrot leftovers until we found the rabbit.
Next group will be the KGB. On the next day they returns with the rabbit.
Judges: how do you do it? That was FAST!
KGB: You know, comrad, we asked the rabbit friends, follow his trail, put
microphones all over his place...
Judes: o.k. Next group will be the FBI.
12 hours latter, the FBI returned the rabbit.
Judges: Ok. What do you do to catch the rabbit?
FBI: That was a piece of cake, we followed him with a spy satellite and catch
him on the spot.
Judges Ok. next group will be the mexican Judicial police (Federal officers).
Half an hour later, they return with... A GORILA!
The poor animal were all covered with bruises and had a bleeding nose.
Judges : Hey guys, where is the rabbit?
one of the Judiciales snaps his fingers (Blues brothers stile).
Gorila: I swear in my mothers name, I AM THE RABBIT!, PLEASE BELIVE ME,
I AM THE RABBIT!
--------------------------
From: Wally Zajac [Wally_T._Zajac.LAX1B@XEROX.COM]
Those of you who live in a different state or country, subsitute your favorite
elected official.
California Govenor Pete Wilson is visiting a sanitarium.
All of the patients are applauding with the execption of a few people.
One of the Govenor's entourage goes up the them and asks: "How come
you guys are not applauding? Don't YOU know who this man is?"
"Sure we do. But we're not crazy, we just work here."
--------------------------
From: "Steve, Ext. 2337" [chastain@SWIRL.MONSANTO.COM]
One day a small boy, who was certain he was the greatest human being alive,
decided to become the greatest baseball batter in history. He took his little
bat and ball out to the backyard. He tossed the ball up and swung at it and
missed badly. Frustrated and angry, he picked up the ball and tried it again,
but missed it again with his best home run swing. Very angry now, he tried it
again, while really concentrating, but missed it badly. Suddenly he thought
to himself, "Gee..I must be the world's greatest pitcher!"
-------
One day a teacher was giving a lecture on philosophy, and had the class
enthralled. It was a brilliant lecture. Suddenly, over his head a bright light
flashed and an angel came down and approached the teacher.
She said, "You are doing such a good job teaching this class, I have decided to
give you one wish. You can have infinite money, infinite wisdom, or infinite
knowlegde."
Thinking for a minute, he humbly asked for infinite wisdom. She tapped him with
a magic wand and disappeared in a flash. The class came forward to hear the
first words from a man with infinite wisdom.
He said, "It would of been wiser to take the money..."
--------------------------
From: Tommy Hughes [HUE@USCN.BITNET]
A rich farmer having a wife who frequently got intoxicated with cider;
in order to deter her from following that practice, told her one day,
that the next time she got in that trim, he would bury her, and
accordingly had a coffin made for her and brought home to his house.
Not long after, however the farmer had occasion to go from home, and
his wife, not minding his threats, nor regarding the sight of her
coffin, took the opportunity of drinking her fill; the farmer coming
home, found her drunk on the floor; he accordingly had her put into
the coffin, and conveyed down cellar, and there waited till she came
to her senses; as soon as she came too, and reflecting on her past
folly, thinking she had left the terrestrial world, with all its good
juice of the apple--she began knocking on the side of her coffin, and
addressed herself, in an audible voice, in these words--"Ye
inhabitants of this new world, have you here any good cider?"
(Stoddard's Diary: or, The Columbian Almanack for 1797)
Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early American
Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press.
--------------------------
From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" [MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK]
Two Kiwis (New Zealanders) go over to Australia to study for their degrees at
Bond University. At the graduation ceremony one of the graduates had been
chosen to give a speech. This graduate explained that he was going to use the
name of the university - "BOND" - as the basis for his speech. So he nervously
began by saying "B is is for Bravery" and continued on this theme for about 5
minutes. Next he continued with "O is for Outstanding" and spent 12 minutes
explaining to the audience how the university provided an outstanding education
in an outstanding environment with outstanding academics, etc. By the time he
got to "N is for New" the graduate had really warmed to his speech and spent 20
minutes on presentation of new ideas in new ways, etc. As he turned to "D is
for diligent" one Kiwi turned to the other and remarked, "I'm glad we
decided to come to Bond University and not to Queensland Institute of
Technology!"
--------------------------
From: Bill [BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU]
Four teen-agers were arrested in the parking lot of a large mall in
Lakeland, Fla., just before Christmas when, attempting to steal an
automobile at random, they tried to break into a police van containing three
officers on a stakeout.
--------------------------
From: Shyam Bhatia [BHATIA@VAXA.CIS.UWOSH.EDU]
John went to a pet store and selected a kind looking dog. He asked the
salesperson about the dog's pedigree. She said the dog came from a very long
line of distinguished ancestors. Both its father and grandfather were dogs.
Its mother, she said, was a bitch and its grandmother was a r-e-a-l bitch.
John was delighted and said,"Is this dog smart and intelligent?"
"Oh, yes," she said, "this dog is so smart that within a week
it would teach your entire family to talk in its language."
John was impressed and asked if the dog was faithful. The
salesperson replied,"I have sold this dog five times and it has
always come back."
--------------------------
From: "Dr. Michael Robertshaw (S&T)" [MROBERT@OLIV1.OLI.HK]
In a newspaper it was reported that a company in Japan has
started a rail tour for Japanese women. This tour has an unusual
theme as it centres around the hijacking of the train by a team
of 'terrorists'! Apparently the terrorists will subject these
female tourists to all of the usual 'terror' associated with such
events. The company has been overwhelmed by enquiries and
bookings!
--------------------------
From: Lee Bradley [lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU]
Subj: French joke [clean]
A man comes into a cafe, orders a coffee, 75 cents, drinks it and flings
3 quarters on the counter. The waiter, somewhat frosted, picks up the coins.
The next day, the same thing happens.
And the next day, same thing.
This farce continues for a month.
Then one day, the man comes in, orders his 75-cent coffee, and pays for
it with a dollar bill. The surprised waiter takes the money, and to reap
his revenge on the customer, slings out the change in 25 pennies
scattered all over the counter. He's savoring his victory when the guy
pulls out two more quarters and says, "Waiter, one more coffee!"
--------------------------
From: [JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU]
Subj: Humor: Things you wish you'd hear (non-offensive)
]From my auto mechanic:
"That part is much less expensive than I thought."
"I've never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do."
"You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street."
"It was just a loose wire - No charge."
]From my son's preschool teacher:
"Everyone misbehaved today, except Michael."
"Michael traded his candy bar for carrot sticks."
"I wish we had 20 Michaels."
]From a store clerk:
"The computerized cash register is down. I'll just add up your
purchases with a pencil and paper."
"We're sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We'll pick it up at
your home and bring you a new one, or give you a complete refund
- whichever you prefer."
]From a contractor:
"Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing."
"I think I came in a little high on that estimate."
]From a dentist:
"I think you're flossing too much."
"I won't ask any questions until I take the pick out of your mouth."
]From a restaurant server:
"I think it's presumptuous for a waiter to volunteer his name,
but since you ask, it's Tim."
"I was slow and inattentive. I cannot accept any tip."
--------------------------
From: Jan Kucera [kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CZ]
There was a famous hit in the 30's - Ramona. A sweet melody - a waltz -
with very sentimental lyrics.
It became so popular (at least here in Europe) that the following ad
appeared in a Prague newspaper - job opportunities section:
"A clerk wanted for a perspective company. Requirement: The applicant
must not know to sing or whistle Ramona."
--------------------------
From: Tommy Hughes [HUE@USCN.BITNET]
An attorney observed a boy about nine years of age, diverting
himself at play, whose eccentric appearance attracted his
attention, "Come here my lad," said he. The boy accordingly came,
and after chatting a bit, asked the attorney what case was to be
tried next. "A case between the Pope and the devil," (answered
the attorney), "and which do you suppose will gain the action?" "I
don't know," said the boy, "I guess 'twill be a pretty tight
squeeze; the Pope has the most money, but the devil has the most
lawyers." (The New-England Almanack for 1801)
Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early
American Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press.
--------------------------
From: George Olson [GEO1@PSUADMIN.BITNET]
The king sent for his wise men all
To find a rhyme for 'W'
When they had thought for a good long time
But could not think of a single rhyme
"I'm sorry," he said, "to trouble you"
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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