From cate3@netcom.com Tue Jun 6 13:13:09 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com (Henry Cate)
Subject: Life E.1
To: JWry.dli@netcom.com
Date: 9 Jun 94 16:42:56 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life E.1
The following selections are from fido.humor
which was forwarded to me by:
Robert Dolan:wbst129UL
----------------------------------------------------
I once heard the story, possibbly an urban legond, about a man
who bought a box of expensive cigars. He had them insured against
fire. After he smoked the cigars he placed a claim with the insurance
company. They took him to court and it was decided that, since the
company had insured the cigars against fire, and since they *did*
burn, that the insurance company must pay the claim.
When the man cashed the insurance check the insurance company had
him arrested for arson.
--------------------------
Miles Whitman stood by the door listening to his wife try to
start the car. She seem unable to get the job done. So, Miles
yelled to her through the screen door, "Hey, Sheila, did you try choking
it?"
Sheila's reply was, "No, not yet. But I sure as heck feel like
doing it."
--------------------------
The following may help Parents better understand their child/children
school report card.
Easy going ...................... Bone idle.
Lively nature ................... Thoroughly disruptive.
A sensitive child ............... Never stops whining.
Fond of music ................... Anything to get out of work.
Easily distracted ............... Hasn't produced a decent piece of
work all year.
Works better in a small group .... Daren't take my eyes off him/her.
Imaginative ................... Careless with the truth.
Needs encouragement ........... Thick as a brick.
Keen to do well ............... Egotistical.
All work is of a high standard ... Has ambitious middle-class parents.
Good at practical activities ..... Illiterate.
Clever with his hands ........... Light fingered.
A quiet child ................... Lacks self confidence and initiative.
Easily influenced ............... The class fall guy.
A vivid imagination ........... Never short of an excuse.
Artistic ....................... Exponent of graffiti.
Likes to proceed in his own way .. Mulishly obstinate.
Open to suggestion ............... No mind of his own.
A further note to parents, DO NOT allow your child's grandparents to
read this!
--------------------------
A minister preached a very short sermon. He explained, "My dog
got into my office and chewed up some of my notes."
At the close of the service a visitor asked, "If your dog ever
has pups, please let my pastor have one of them."
--------------------------
I like the story about a crew that was unloading a tank car of highly
explosive chemicals when it exploded. Two men were killed and half a
dozen were knocked unconscious. As the ambulance attendants were
carrying one of the men on a stretcher he regained consciousness.
Just as he did, his hand fell over the side of the stretcher. Feeling
nothing but air, he let out a great moan and said, "Oh no! I haven't
even hit ground yet."
--------------------------
A South Carolina. deputy responded to a report of a barroom disturbance.
The "disturbance" turned out to be well over 6 ft. tall and weighed almost
300 lbs. What's more, he boasted he could whip the deputy and Muhammad
ALi too. "I'll bet," said the lawman, smiling, "that you're an escape
artist probably better than Houdini." The giant nodded. "If I had some
chains," the deputy said, "you could show us how strong you REALLY
are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't we see just how
quickly you can break out of them?" Once in handcuffs, the man puffed,
pulled and jerked for 4 min. "I can't get out of these, he said at last.
The cop said, "are you sure?" The fellow tried again. "Nope, can't
do it." Said the deputy,"In that case you're under arrest."
--------------------------
Woman: One of your bees just stung me. I want you to do
something about it.
Beekeeper: Certainly, Madam. Just show me which bee it was
and I'll have it punished.
--------------------------
This is Officer Mike. You have the right to remain silent. If you
speak, the message you leave can and will be used to call you back.
If you don't have a message, the court will appoint you one.
BEEP....
Sorry if you haven't been able to reach me the past few weeks, but
my machine has been in the shop for repairs. It cost me a fortune,
but at least I finally got it back and in decent working condition!
Anyway, (SLUR WORDS) leeaavee a meessagee at the soound of the
toonee.
BEEP...
--------------------------
The devil challenged St. Peter to a baseball game. "How can you
win, Satan?" asked St. Peter. "All the famous ballplayers are up here."
"How can I lose?" answered Satan. "All the umpires are down here."
--------------------------
Teenage daughter (as the radio ground out the finals notes of
the latest hit song): Did you ever hear anything so wonderful?
Father: Only once...when a truck loaded with empty milk cans
bumped another truck filled with live ducks.
--------------------------
Two brothers go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment; the
reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car and even a cabin
in the woods. They spend a fortune. Then they drive eight hours to the
best fishing spot around.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same
thing happens the next day and again on the third day. It goes on like
this until finally on the last day of their vacation, one of the
brothers catches a fish.
As they are driving home they are really depressed. The brighter
brother turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy
fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other brother says "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any
more!"
--------------------------
FOOTBALL SEASON : The only time of the year when a fellow can walk down
the street with a girl on one arm and a blanket under the other,
without people getting the wrong idea.
--------------------------
"Would you like to buy a pocket calculator sir?" "No thanks, I
know how many pockets I've got."
--------------------------
In fact, this town is so exclusive that the fire department's number is
unlisted.
--------------------------
Two girls boarded a crowded bus and one of them whispered to the
other, "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat."
Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all her charms
upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily. "My dear
Mr. Williams," she gushed, "fancy meeting you on the bus. Am I glad to
see you. Why, you're almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired."
The sedate gentleman looked up at the girl. He had never seen
her before, but he rose and said pleasantly, "Sit down, Mary my girl.
It isn't often I see you on washday. No wonder you're tired. Being
pregnant isn't easy. By the way, don't deliver the wash until Friday.
My wife is going to the District Attorney's office to see whether she
can get your husband out of jail."
--------------------------
The IBM salesman and the IBM system analyst went to spend a weekend in
the forest, hunting bear.
They hired a log cabin, and when they got there, took their backpacks
off and put them inside.
At which point the salesman said to the systems analyst:
"You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
The analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat outside to await
events. He did not have to wait too long.
Soon he could hear noises in the forest. The noises got nearer - and
suddenly there was the salesman, running across the clearing toward the
cabin, pursued by one of the largest and most ferocious Brown Bears the
analyst had ever seen.
"Open the door! shouted the salesman.
The analyst opened the door.
The salesman ran to the door, suddenly stopped, and stepped aside.
The Bear carried by its momentum, continued though the door and
disappeared inside.
The salesman promptly shut the door on it, turned, looked at the
analyst, and said:
"Ok, you skin that one while I go rustle us up another."
--------------------------
A first-time Congressman was being interviewed by the local
paper. "Mr. Congressman," said the reporter, "when you get to
Washington, are you going to be a pawn for the powerful interests that
most of your constituents think will control you?"
"I resent that question, Sir," the Congressman replied. "I do
not plan to take my wife to Washington."
--------------------------
Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?
Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which
passes from one pole to the other, and on which the
earth revolves.
Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?
Student: Yes, Sir.
Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?
Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.
--------------------------
A vacationer planned to take a solo hike into the mountains, and
a grizzled old guide was checking up on the supplies he was taking with
him. "Have you a map and a compass?" asked the guide.
"Certainly," replied the hiker.
"And have you got a deck of playing cards?"
"No," said the surprised man. "What do I need a deck of cards
for?"
"It might save your life," replied the guide. "I always carry a
deck. If you get lost in the woods, just sit down and start playing a
game of solitaire. The next thing you know, some smart aleck will pop up
behind you and start telling you which card to play next!"
--------------------------
An old man was talking to a bachelor and asked him why he did
not marry. The bachelor parried the question by telling about the
different young women he had known, finding some fault with each one.
But it appeared that all of them had succeeded in getting married.
"You're in danger of getting left," said the old man. "You'd
better hurry up before it's too late."
"Oh," said the bachelor, "there are just as many good fish left
in the sea."
"That may be true," replied the old man, "but the bait -- isn't
there danger of the bait becoming stale?"
--------------------------
When in the United States, Dr. Wu Ting-fang, the grand old man
of the Chinese diplomatic service in his day, was questioned sweetly by
an American:
"Wha 'nese' are you -- Japanese, Javanese, Chinese?"
Replying that he was Chinese, he asked in turn: "and what 'kee'
are you -- monkey, donkey, or Yankee?"
--------------------------
Mother was in the habit of taking her annual holiday abroad,
while father took his in the form of shooting expeditions nearer home.
This worked well until a few days before her return mother sent
the customary telegram home to father to stock the larder.
She wrote on the telegraph blank: "Home Saturday. Be there."
Father received the following telegram: "Home Saturday. Beware."
--------------------------
I used to forget my wife's birthday all the time. She cured me. We got
a car with a key less entry system. Clara had it coded with her birthday
and I soon learned it. My youngest son used to remind me all the time
until he got married and moved out. You see his birthday was the day
after my wives. I guess he never wanted me to forget his. [g]
--------------------------
A boy and a girl were out driving one evening. They came to a
quiet spot on a country lane, and the car stopped. "Out of gas," said
the boy.
The girl opened her purse and pulled out a bottle.
"Wow!" said the boy. "A bottle....what is it?"
"Gasoline," said the girl.
--------------------------
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer
asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will
you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happet included.
#26284 Gopher-It $49.95 (3.95)
I suppose for rodents of greater than 100 feet in diameter you need the
nuclear powered version.
--------------------------
A tourist stopped his car on a country road and asked a young
boy, "How far is it to Smithville."
"Well," said the boy, "the way you are going, it's about 24,996
miles, but if you turn around, it's about four."
--------------------------
The following story is true.
I work for a company that sells, repairs, and installs commercial
two-way radio systems, pagers, and cellular phones. Two days ago, an
old customer came by to see if he could purchase a replacement handset
for his cellular phone. He related to us this story of how he came to
be missing his handset:
He had driven to Atlanta, Georgia to a meeting, and parked his car in a
big parking lot. On returning to his car, he discovered it and about 5
others had been vandalized. Someone had broken the windows out and
stolen items from them. They had stolen his cellular phone handset
along with some other stuff, they had ripped the dash out of a nearby
BMW (evidently trying to steal the radio), and several other cars had
various items stolen.
He called the police and they sent a detective out to look over the
situation. After taking down the information and a statement, the man
told the detective he had to be in town several more hours, and gave the
detective a number where he could be reached. He said he never expected
anything to come of it.
However, about 3 hours later he was contacted by the police department,
and asked if he could come to the station and attempt to identify a
suspect in the case. Arriving at the station, he found they had 5 men
in a police lineup.
After looking over the suspects, He then told the detective "As I said,
I was in a meeting and did not see the break-in. However, the second
man from the left is wearing my special 'member's only' jacket and has
my watch on!"
CASE SOLVED! Sadly enough, the handset was never recovered.
--------------------------
Mark Twain (1835-1910) tells the story of trying to get rid of a
wreck of an old umbrella. First he threw it in the ash can, but
someone recognized it as his and returned it. Then he dropped it down a
deep well, but someone repairing the well saw the umbrella and returned
it. He tried several other methods, but always the umbrella came back.
"Finally," says Mark Twain, "I lent it to a friend, and I never saw it
again."
--------------------------
A Zen teacher saw five of his students returning from the market,
riding their bicycles. When they arrived at the monastary and had dis-
mounted, the teacher asked the students, "Why are you riding your
bicycles?"
The first student replied, "The bicycle is carrying the sack of
potatoes. I am glad that I do not have to carry them on my back!" The
teacher praised the first student, "You are a smart boy! When you grow
old, you will not walk hunched over like I do."
The second student replied, "I love to watch the trees and fields
pass by as I roll down the path!" The teacher commended the second
student, "Your eyes are open, and you see the world."
The third student replied, "When I ride my bicycle, I am content
to chant nam myoho renge kyo." The teacher gave praise to the third
student, "Your mind will roll with the ease of a newly trued wheel."
The fourth student replied, "Riding my bicycle, I live in harmony
with all sentient beings." The teacher was pleased, and said to the
fourth student, "You are riding on the golden path of non-harming."
The fifth student replied, "I ride my bicycle to ride my
bicycle." The teacher sat at the feet of the fifth student and said,
"I am your student!"
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
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