From cate3@netcom.com Thu Jun 8 12:47:28 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life E.2
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 14 Jun 94 14:52:28 PDT (Tuesday)
Subject: Life E.2
The following was sifted out of alt.humor.best-of-usenet
which is moderated by: best@cc.ysu.edu
----------------------------------------------------
From: 21329KAD@msu.edu (Kim Dyer)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban,alt.folklore.college
Kim Dyer:
]]In Michigan it's pretty much "automatically your fault" if you
]]rear end someone. There ARE a few exceptions, like the time I
]]was rear ended at a stoplight ... by someone ELSE who had been
]]rear ended at the stop light, and pushed INTO me.
Ted Frank (thf2@kimbark.uchicago.edu):
]I would think it's still that person's fault. Why wasn't their
]foot on the brake?
It was. There was a skid mark where he was pushed. And *I* was
pushed forward almost into oncoming traffic. (They managed to
stop when they heard the shreik of brakes.) All in all, the bozo
in the back was moving fast enough to push 4 other cars (5 total
in accident) one into another. Amazing mess. But nobody was
seriously hurt because we were all wearing seatbelts.
]Hey, at least you weren't a summer associate driving the partner's
]car to the first day of a trial when you got into a rear-ending
]accident.
]I still got a job offer, but I'm not particularly sure I want to show
]my face around that law firm...
Actually, I was on my way to a meeting. I was working for one of those
big, three letter corporations at the time ... and was shaken enough to
feel that doom would decend on me if I failed to make the meeting. After
arguing with the cop, who wanted to take me to the hospital because the
minor cut on my knee was bleeding rather spectacularly, I got him to take
me to my meeting instead. (Combination of the reputation of the company
and the fact that I was on the verge of hysterical about missing the
meeting.) The meeting was due to start in only a few minutes, so he
decided that if he was going to do this, we'd do it right. We pulled up
to the building with lights on sirens (only on for the length of the
company driveway) and I rushed into the meeting with my clothes disarrayed
and blood running down my leg ... everyone staring out the window at the
cruiser. "Sorry I'm late. I was in a 5 car pile up." Did wonders for
my reputation.
--------------------------
From: jlibson@ncsa.uiuc.edu (Joe)
Subj: Canine seeks house!! (must allow humans)
Newsgroups: uiuc.classifieds
Hello, I am a 13 year old female german shepherd looking for a place to
stay.
I have the unfortunate complication of requiring housing for
one human also. The human is male, well behaved and house
broken (not fixed however...I know, it was irresponsible of me,
but he put up such a fuss). I have had the human all my life,
and so I am reluctant to part with him. He doesn't care *where*
he lives, but *I* need a place on the first floor since at my
ripe old age, I have trouble with stairs. I also would like a room
in a house (rather than an apartment) so that I would have a
yard and such to lounge in. I can of course arrange for him
to sleep on the floor in my room, so we wouldn't need
separate rooms or anything. Well, it's a hassle typing with
one's nose so I'll cut this short.
If you have a room in a house for rent, please email him at the address
below.
I prefer not to give out my own phone number and such, so please
direct all correspondence through him. He is up all hours, so call
whenever you like.
Woof,
Belle
How to contact the human:
........
--------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.discordia
Subj: Re: Jesus ain't here, dahlink.
From: dave@cca.org (Dave Fischer)
mdm8@cornell.edu (Po Tragna) writes:
]In article [2ok5p7$o5k@freenet3.scri.fsu.edu] naja@freenet3.scri.fsu.edu
] (Sandra L. Powers) writes:
]
]]Just 'cause Heinlein said it don't neccesarily make it true.
]
]what about stuff he didn't say? Can we assume that's true?
The general validity of unknown yet unspoken thoughts is known
but better left unsaid.
Well.... actually you just don't have the proper clearance.
(I just gave it away though - if you include the answer to the
question "Are unspoken things true?" to the set of unspoken things,
then it cannot be false. Thus all unspoken things are true. Oops -
now that can't be argued any more. For a moment it was true though.)
--------------------------
From: cindy@lise.unit.no (Cynthia Kandolf)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban,alt.folklore.college
Subj: Re: whitehouse.gov
Derek Tearne writes:
]]Norway - where mad explorers make it back alive. Well, almost always.
]
]Woah, that Norway place sounds _dangerous_ I don't think I'll try
]going exploring there...
It's safe as long as you remember these simple rules:
1. Glaciers can sometimes move.
2. Don't go parachuting off cliffs.
3. Don't try to take close-up pictures of musk oxen.
4. Never, ever trust a troll.
5. Don't eat the lutefisk.
(The guy who tried to take a close-up picture of a musk ox did
survive, however.)
-Cindy "tourist hunting season opens May 5" Kandolf
--------------------------
From: cultxprt@indirect.com (Jeff Jacobsen)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subj: Pillsbury Doughboy cult
There is a new cult forming that worships the Pillsbury Doughboy.
Their slogan is "He rose for you."
--------------------------
Newsgroups: rec.arts.books.tolkien
From: Maurystal Ravenclawe (sam4796@ocvaxa.cc.oberlin.edu)
Subj: Gondor=Byzantium?
In article [1994Apr17.130946.1845@roper.uwyo.edu], ajanders@UWYO.EDU writes:
]There is one small weakness in the Climate theory. The Shire was in the North
]Kingdom. If there is one place in Middle Earth that represents a flourishing
]community it would be there. The inhabitants were friendly, the crops came in
]regularly, and very seldom did they have a harsh winter. I think we need to
]find another cause for the decline......As if war and plaque weren't enough.
] ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Yes, we know that poor dental hygeine has been the downfall of many a great
empire.
--------------------------
From: jmingo@aol.com (JMingo)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subj: Re: Internet rudeness to AOL users' shoes
In article [1994Apr19.214347.5304@mnemosyne.cs.du.edu], mbur@nyx10.cs.du.edu
(MAC) writes:
] Posting to usenet from aol is like showing up for a pick-up basketball game
] wearing a pair of K-mart shoes. Everyone is going to laugh at you and you'll
] be the last one asked to play. Even after people see that you are a pretty
] good player, they will still make fun of your shoes.
And, frankly, it hurts me down to my sole.
--------------------------
Newsgroups: ne.food
From: mcmorran@ll.mit.edu (Roy McMorran)
Subj: Re: Twin lobsters anywhere?
]In article [NIGHTFLY.94Apr14083138@netcom7.netcom.com]
nightfly@netcom7.netcom.com (Nightfly) writes:
]
] I know it's not exactly the season, but does anyone know of a
] restaurant in/close to Boston that currently has twin lobsters?
I've always been perplexed when I see a sign that says something like:
+-----------------------+
| |
| TWIN LOBSTERS |
| $11.99 |
| |
+-----------------------+
How can they tell, anyway?
Then there was this sign where I grew up in NH that said
+-----------------------+
| |
| FRIED CLAMS |
| PARK HERE |
| |
+-----------------------+
Must be something in the water, eh?
--------------------------
From: skowalsk@nunki.usc.edu (Stephen Kowalski)
Newsgroups: comp.ai
Subj: Parallel processing a requirement for AI?
In article [5933@wet.UUCP] naga@wet.COM (Peter Davidson) writes:
Human brains use massive parallel processing. Cyc is a computer
program running on a Von Neumann type computer, executing one thing at
a time. Without a massive parallel processing there's no way to
obtain an artificial intelligence comparable to human intelligence.
Then why don't airplanes flap their wings?
--------------------------
From: Jim Frederick [fuzzyluke@delphi.com]
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.current
I was wondering...
If data were to de-evolve,
would he turn into a toaster?
--------------------------
From: eagle@catt.ncsu.edu (Daniel C. L'Hommedieu)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.next.sysadmin
I was reading the man page for /etc/reboot today, because I wanted to
reboot my machine (the doggone swap file is over 45 megs)...
Anyway, I noticed a neat option for reboot: the -n option. I'm going to
quote the manpage here:
Options to reboot are:
-n Avoids the sync. It can be used if a disk or the pro-
cessor is on fire.
[...]
Look, if my disk or processor is on fire, I'm not gonna worry about not
syncing the drives. I'm gonna pull the plug.
Generic question: who would WANT to reboot the machine if it's on
fire?!?
My friend and I got a good laugh outta that one.
--------------------------
From: anderson@macc.wisc.edu (Jess Anderson)
In article [sbeckman.768021820@pv1629.vincent.iastate.edu],
Scott P Beckman [sbeckman@iastate.edu] wrote:
]There are many things we do not know about Cuba.
]In Cuba the Infant mortality is something like 4 or 6
]deaths per birth.
Getting started in life is the hard part, I gather.
--------------------------
From: melanie@ph-meter.beckman.uiuc.edu (Melanie Humphrey)
Newsgroups: comp.os.ms-windows.networking.tcp-ip,comp.protocols.nfs
]Hello,
]
[...]
] Can a WFW network be established in this way, or should we just elimina
]te the machines with an axe and hire an office boy to deliver the messages in a
]cart?
we here are replacing our entire fddi backbone with undergraduates on
bicycles.
several studies have shown this approach to be cheap, reliable (except
on saturday nights), and throughput is easily increased simply by
admitting more undergraduates.
--------------------------
From: deckerd@agcs.com (Dwight Decker)
Newsgroups: sci.skeptic
Subject: Re: Found! Lost diaries of Noah
In article [syates.7.769285226@mattek.csir.co.za], syates@mattek.csir.co.za (Simon Yates) writes:
] At least according to South Africa's "People" magazine dated April 11
] to May 1. According to the article the diaries were "found in an
] ancient ship-like wreck about 32 kms from Mount Ararat" "immediately
] below the mountain of Al Judi, named by the Koran as the final resting
] place of the Ark" by Professor Horace Ventor (no origin or organization
] given) and Dr Vito Fontes "a leading Italian archaeologist and
] linguistic expert".
]
] No details of the form of the diaries, the language or the script are
] given, nor any pictures.
]
Hey, I think I can guess what's in the diaries...
Monday.
It rained.
Tuesday
Rained all day today. Mucked out the unclean animals' stalls.
Wednesday
More rain. Mucked out the clean animals' stalls. Not much difference
if you ask me.
Thursday
Rain. Ran out of eucalyptus leaves. Must see if the koalas can
eat something else.
Friday
Rain all day. Damn...the tigers got into the unicorn stall.
Saturday
Still more rain. The boys must be getting bored down below decks.
They asked if it was a sin to swap wives. I put them to work mucking
out the elephant stall to get their minds on something else.
--------------------------
From: Lizard [Lizard@vnet.net]
Newsgroups: news.admin.policy,alt.flame,alt.censorship
Organization: Ferengi School of Business Ethics
In article [2rr451$165d@itsa.ucsf.edu] Lee Doolan,
ldoolan@jekyll.ucsf.edu writes:
]In article [2rm91e$sku@rtp.vnet.net], Lizard [Lizard@vnet.net] wrote:
]
]]The attack was not on their right to speak, but on their right to use
]]private resources (Netcom) to speak with. An analogy would be a
]
] moron
As usual, a brilliant rejoinder, which carefully honed in on the
weaknesses in my argument and masterfully exploited them, leaving me
defenseless. Sir (or madam) I am *most* impressed by your skill in the
art of debate. In the face of it, I think I shall cancel my account, sell
my modem, and nevermore venture forth into these realms.
--------------------------
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: bpa@netcom.netcom.com (Bradley P. Allen)
Subj: Communication skills
This morning the phone rings, at a time that I usually don't get any
calls.
"Hello?"
In the background, I hear office sounds: typewriters, murmuring voices.
Then someone starts panting.
On a whim, I start panting in response, then stop.
The person on the other end stops, briefly resumes panting, then stops
again.
So I start barking.
Then they start barking.
Then I hang up.
No one calls back.
Huh.
--------------------------
Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.astro,sci.chem,sci.bio
From: masjb@irix.bris.ac.uk (SJ. Brewster)
Subj: Re: HST confirms black hole in M87 and the Loch Ness Monster
ton (b0202011@cc.ntu.edu.tw) wrote:
: Is there any photo release of the "black hole"through ftp or www?
Yes; to access it, type 'cls' at the UNIX prompt.
--------------------------
From: Howard_Moneta@lamg.com (Howard Moneta)
Subj: Re(2): DOOM FOR MACINTOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Newsgroups: comp.sys.mac.games
] AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
]
I think you've got a few too many H's, and not quite enough R's.
Other than that, it seems a fairly literate response...
--------------------------
Background: Somebody posted from an anon acount in Finland and said
that the green card lawyers, Larry Canter and Martha Siegel are reading
news.admin.policy and saving articles so that they can sue people for
libel. A follow-up produced this practical demonstration:
]From johnp2@vatican.org (The Pope)
Subj: Re: Canter and Siegel are watching, and archiving, YOU...
Newsgroups: news.admin.misc,news.admin.policy
john@iastate.edu (John Hascall) writes:
]And how do they plan to prove that the "From:" line, etc.
]accurately represents the sender?
Well, Mr. Hascall -- as we all know, the From: line of a usenet
posting is always guaranteed to accurately identify the person writing
the message.
If that's not true, then I'm... well.. You know...
--John Paul II
PS- Sorry I didn't followup sooner, I've been having this problem with
my hip. It's better, and I'll be training for next year's Boston
Marathon real soon now.
PPS- Larry and Martha -- I have it on good authority that spamming the
net is a sin. We were going to write it into the catechism, but our
technical editor was away, explaining VMS programming to God. This
will be in the next edition, but consider it effective immediately.
--------------------------
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page