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---------------------------------------
Date: 14 Jun 94 14:52:47 PDT (Tuesday)
Subject: Life E.3
Fun_People, a mailing list run by:
Peter Langston [pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com]
----------------------------------------------------
Forwarded-by: Claude Ginsburg [claude@espresso.rt.cs.boeing.com]
From: Elan Weekly 8-14 April
Bovine Bingo
The small Swiss town of Beckenried, on Lake Lucerne, has invented
the world's first game of ecological bingo: Dung Lotto. Up to three
cows wander around in a field divided into 2,000 squares, and players
have to guess on which one the first cow pat will drop. In the inaug-
ural game the Sfr3,500 ($2,500) top prize was won after 13 minutes
with a direct hit on square 1,346.
--------------------------
Jaime Guerrero "Verbing weirds language."
--------------------------
Analysts revealed today that a shortage of acronyms may be behind Digital
Equipment Corporation's poor stock performance of recent weeks. By middle
of 1994 it is projected DIGITAL will have exhausted all usable 3- and 4-letter
permutations available in the western alphabet. This is expected to
seriously hamper the introduction of new products.
Although possibilities exist for introducing non-alphabetic characters to
increase the number of permutations available, using unpronounceable
symbols, such as ~,[,*,^, and !, has serious drawbacks. The Acronymic
Task Force (ATF) has been created by Digital to study the problem.
"We have not actually exhausted all the different combinations of letters,
but the ones that are left often have negative connotations." said William
Hought, ATF chair. "We can't go around calling products 'FOO' or 'BLAH'."
Hought said the shortage affects the computer industry as a whole, "Right
now there is a rush to trademark various random combinations of letters --
to grab as many acronyms as possible for future products."
"But," Hought said, "the real solution is to expand the alphabet." When
asked if it might make more sense to use longer, descriptive names Hought
responded, "This is a performance issue."
--------------------------
From: Charlie Bowen [bellcore!GIANT.INTRANET.COM!charlie]
Mention of Michael Coleman, the great Irish fiddler, reminds me that
accordions (squeeze boxes, or just boxes for short) were regarded as
an unnecessary addition to the Irish music scene by more conservative
musicians, at least in Coleman's day. (Never heard an accordion
called an Irish banjo, but there'd be some justice in it.)
I've heard that he was sitting with a bunch of friends in a bar in the
Bronx, one night back there in the twenties, and someone came around
taking up a collection to pay the funeral expenses of an impoverished
accordionist. (This was necessary because ripsnorting funerals are the
most important events in the lives of us Irish, if the preposition "in"
is acceptable when applied to the star of the occasion.)
Coleman didn't happen to hear what the collection was about, and when
the cigar box came around to him, he asked the man next to him what it
was for. "Oh, they want a dollar to bury a box-player," he was told.
Coleman dug a bill out of his pocket. "Here's two dollars," he said.
"Bury two of them."
--------------------------
[Additional bumper stickers from someone who knows Meriday...
From: Mike Jittlov [jittlov@gumby.cs.caltech.edu]
Bumperstickers seen around Hollywood:
"Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful"
"All Dumbs Are _Not_ Blonde!"
"My Other Car -- Is Under Rubble"
"Thank You for Not Shooting At Me"
--------------------------
[A few stories from a very cool book called "Jazz Anecdotes" by jazz writer
(and bassist) Bill Crow. -psl]
One night as Gene Quill was leaving the bandstand at Birdland, a young
self-appointed critic accosted him.
"All you're doing is playing just like Charlie Parker," he accused. Gene
held out his saxophone. "Here," he said, "_you_ play just like Charlie
Parker!"
--------------------------
REC.PETS.HERP. FAQ #1957--GODZILLA CARE SHEET
Congratulations! You detonated a nuclear weapon at the wrong
time, in the wrong place, in the wrong way, and now you are the proud
owner/feeder/panic-stricken victim of over two hundred and fifty feet
of radioactive reptilian flesh! First of all, as a new Godzilla owner,
there is one thing you should say to yourself:
STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!
That said, as it had to be, let's see what we can do about
prolonging your pet's lifespan, most of which will involve prolonging
yours.
Part 1: Your Pet's Habitat
Until recently, Godzillae have been found exclusively on Monster
Island and the main islands of Japan. Of late, however, there have
been accounts of the hulking behemoths in the United States, chiefly in
the area of movie theaters and a number of back alleys in Philadelphia.
What's important to you is to duplicate your pet's natural surroundings
as closely as possible.
In the United States, of late, this has become easier due to huge
numbers of Japanese imports into the bloated U.S. Consumer market.
Your pet should feel right at home, and any large, coastal city with
large ships and elevated trains near the ocean will be suitable for
your pet's rest and recreation. You should be aware that your pet will
go through 2-3 tankers in the course of each month, and as many
elevated trains as he encounters. Arrangements with the Liberian
government and your local transportation authority may be advisable.
You should always provide a hide box in your pet's habitat. This
will be for you. We recommend a converted, hardened Titan missile
silo or a mine shaft not less than 350' from the surface in rock no
softer than igneous basalt. Don't forget to install a filtering system
to remove the lethal Strontium 90 deposited by your pet's breath. You
will spend a lot of time in your hide box. This is normal and very,
very, healthy.
Part 4: Godzilla Do's and Dont's
DON'T trust the Japanese Defense Forces to keep your pet under
control. The Navy and the USAF continue to react badly to the
appearance of Mitsubishi Zero-Sen aircraft over American sites, and
there's no point in starting up all that again, is there? Moreover,
spectacular as those weird-looking satellite dish-things are on film,
it is difficult to dub in the animated laser beams they shoot in real
life. A final note: Japanese Defense Force activity in other parts of
the world may cause all of Asia to panic. U.S. military activity in
any part of the world may cause the entire world to panic, particularly
in parts of Washington, D.C., Europe, and the Middle East.
DON'T attempt to help your pet when shedding. The removal of even
one fleck of skin from his vast outer hide will undoubtedly expose you
to over eighteen times the NRC maximum annual roentgen level for
high-level atomic plant workers. Mist him down (using either slurry
planes or a convenient fireboat) from a distance. If you think your
pet is grouchy enough most of the time, his first shed will be a major
learning experience for you.
DON'T operate a computer anywhere in the vicinity of your pet's
habitat (current Godzilla owners reading this are already in big
trouble). Like many members of his family, your pet will immediately
appropriate your video display for basking sessions (See FAQ on Monitor
Lizards, and, in Georgia, Savannah Monitor Lizards).
DON'T attempt to control your pet's behavior with the use of
tactical or strategic nuclear weapons. Despite the first rate-
opportunities for urban redevelopment and national guilt they offer,
exposure to even the tiniest amounts of U-238 and Tritium are likely to
make your pet return to a feral state. They sure as blazes won't hurt
him.
DO take your pet to a showing of Jurassic Park, since he gets few
enough chances to laugh out loud as it is, and since he will
undoubtedly put the audience on their best behavior. A white-hot jet
of glowing radioactive plasma is the cure for even the most determined
cinema talker.
DO allow your pet to mix with the rest of your pet collection.
Dogs and inquisitive cats will develop an entirely new attitude toward
your herptiles as a consequence, and even the most crotchety of iguanas
or burmese pythons will develop an entirely revised sense of self-
esteem if they survive the aftermath.
DON'T attempt to control your pet's behavior with an oxygen
destroyer. Although initially effective, your pet will have an
annoying tendency to reappear even after being entirely skeletonized by
such an agent, and, obliging Japanese chemists of late have become
increasingly unwilling to immolate themselves because of your
careless use of nuclear weaponry. You will not only have your pet
back again, you will have him back with an ATTITUDE.
Part 6: General Behavior and Tips
As your pet ages, you may notice changes in behavior. At his
youngest, he is at his most irritable and grouchy, and even as a mature
leviathan he may fly into an extremely destructive rage at the sight
of a Perry Mason re-run or movie on television. As he mellows, you may
find him wrestling playfully with King Kongs, Ghidrah the three headed
monster (See MONSTER-0 FAQ ), Rodans (See MACH-3 FAQ ), Mecha-Godzillae,
cockroach-aliens, or other sea monsters (see alt.sci.worldconquest,
talk.aliens.icch, and 20,000 LUS FAQ). He may even begin marginally
socially-acceptable behavior, such as saving the world from the
clutches of the Smog Monster (see alt.environment.worstcase) or
Megalon. Recent studies, however, show a return toward grouchy
behavior as time progresses.
--------------------------
Forwarded-by: [Gramppa@aol.com]
Forwarded-by: barnard@isi.com
DO-IT-YOURSELF COUNTRY-WESTERN SONG
***********************************
I met her ____________ ____________; I can still recall _______________ she
(1) (2) (3)
1 on the highway 2 in September 3 that purple dress
near Altoona at McDonald's that little hat
outside Fresno ridin' shotgun that burlap bra
in Sheboygan wrestlin' gators those training pants
on probation all hunched over the stolen goods
at a truck stop poppin' uppers that plastic nose
in a nightmare hustlin' Martians the Stassin pin
in a jail cell while jogging the neon sign
in the Stone Age stoned on oatmeal that creepy smile
in a treehouse with Merv Griffin the hearing aid
incognito dead all over the orange wig
wore; She was _____________ _____________,
(4) (5)
4 sobbin' at the toll booth 5 in the twilight
drinkin' Dr. Pepper but I loved her
weighted down with Twinkies by the off-ramp
breakin' out with acne near Poughkeepsie
crawlin' through the prairie with her cobra
smellin' kind of funny when she shot me
crashin' through the guardrail on her elbows
chewin' on a hangnail with Led-Zeppelin
talkin' in Swahili with Miss Piggy
drownin' in the quicksand with a wetback
quotin' Al Pacino screamin' "May Day!"
slurpin' up linguini in her muu-muu
and I knew _____________; _________________ I'd _________________ forever;
(6) (7) (8)
6 7 8
no guy would ever love her more I promised her stay with her
that she would be an easy score I knew deep down warp her mind
she'd bought her dentures in a store She asked me if swear off
booze
that she would be a crashing bore I told her shrink salivate
I'd never rate her more than "4" The judge declared punch her out
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore My Pooh Bear said live off her
it was a raven, nothing more I shrieked in pain have my rash
we really lost the last World War The painters knew stay a dwarf
that I would upchuck on the floor A Klingon said hate her dog
what strong deodourants were for My hamster thought pick my nose
that she was rotten to the core The blood test showed play "Go Fish"
She said to me _______________; But who'd have thought she'd ______________
(9) (10)
9 our love would never die 10 run off
there was no other guy wind up
man wasn't meant to fly boogie
that Nixon didn't lie yodel
her basset hound was shy sky dive
that Rolaids made her high turn green
she'd have a swiss on rye freak out
she loved my one blue eye blast off
her brother's name was Hy make it
she liked "Spy vs. Spy" black out
that birthdays made her cry bobsled
she couldn't stand my tie grovel
__________________; ________________________ goodbye.
(11) (12)
11 with my best friend 12 You'd think at least that she'd have said
in my Edsel I never had the chance to say
on a surfboard She told her fat friend Grace to say
on "The Gong Show" I now can kiss my credit cards
with her dentist I guess I was too smashed to say
on her "Workmate" I watched her melt away and sobbed
with a robot She sealed me in the vault and smirked
with no clothes on She sent a hired thug to say
at her health club She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
in her Maytag I pushed her off the bridge and waved
with her guru But that's the way that pygmies say
while in labor
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in
overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
Back to my Life Humor Page
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