From cate3@netcom.com Tue Jun 20 07:53:03 1995 From: cate3@netcom.com Subject: Life E.5 To: jwry.dli@netcom.com Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com --------------------------------------- Date: 29 Jun 94 11:04:25 PDT (Wednesday) Subject: Life E.5 The following are selections from WhiteBoard News To join, send mail to: joeha@microsoft.com (Joseph Harper) ---------------------------------------------------- Fast News Forum: A bird dropped a snake over a California power station, short-circuiting a line and causing a two-hour blackout. A Creighton University (Nebraska) Law School senior, told she wouldn't graduate because of a failing grade on a final exam, sued her professor, claiming he flunked her because she is "politically incorrect." Biloxi, Mississippi, jurors acquitted a woman of drug charges, then passed the hat to collect $55 to pay her bus fare home to Texas. A man allegedly held up 18 New York businesses after casing the places while filling out job or rental applications. The spree ended after he accidentally signed his real name on one of the forms, police said. Harlan County, Nebraska, Assessor Floyd Schippert was unopposed in the Democratic primary, and just to be sure, he entered -- and won -- the Republican primary also. A New Jersey man left his car window open while shopping. He returned to find about 20,000 bees in his car, setting up a hive. Willie Turner wasn't running for the Dendron, Virginia, Town Council. He didn't even vote. But he won with five write-in votes. A Hollywood, California man is accused of renting cars, selling them, then stealing them back for return to the rental companies. Corpus Christi, Texas, police said it was a hit-and- gallop accident: A man crashed his truck into the back of a car, then fled on the horse he was pulling in the trailer. ---------------------------------------------------- ]From the Seattle Times column of Jean Godden: Back from a vacation to Los Angeles, Chris Curtis has a story to tell. "We (my husband, daughter, and I) drove down to the L.A. farmers' market. It's in a neighborhood where you should take precautions. And what did we do? We locked our keys in the car." The Curtises were trying to think what to do when they were joined by three scary-looking dudes. One guy wordlessly pulled out a set of tools. Chris says, "They had the door open in seconds. Then they scurried off before we could offer to pay them. One of them said, "I do this for a living." -------------------------- Montello, Wisconsin: A Wisconsin fisherman's report of a hippopotamus in the Macan River near Montello was initially viewed by authorities as -- well, just a fish story. But wildlife investigators changed their minds when they caught up to Mark Schoebel hauling the carcass of his 1,700-pound hippo from the river. He says a camel at his game farm unlatched the hippo's cage. The huge animal wandered about 5 miles and was wallowing in the river when Schoebel found him. Schoebel shot the hippo because he couldn't get it out of the river and did not want to leave it where it could attack innocent people and livestock. Authorities said no charges will be filed. -------------------------- Warrenton, Virginia: Getting to Virginia was easy for the 18 geese that Canadian artist and pilot William Lishman raised from birth. All they had to do was follow their mother, the airplane. Whether any of the geese would make it back to their Canadian summer home was what had Lishman fretting for days, until 10 of them suddenly appeared outside his door recently. "They look in great shape," Lishman said. "I took them all kinds of goodies to eat, but they'd rather root in the pond." Lishman hoped to "imprint" the birds at birth to believe that an ultralight aircraft was their parent, then follow the plane south for their winter migration. Geese, cranes and swans learn their migration routes from their parents. If the experiment worked with migratory geese, Lishman and scientist William Sladen of the Airlie Conference Center reasoned, the same technique could be used to restore such rare species as whooping cranes and trumpeter swans to territories they once occupied. -------------------------- Fargo, North Dakota: A candidate for sheriff has challenged his opponents to a shootout, calling it a test of a law officer's ability to protect the public. "Clearly, being the best shot doesn't necessarily make you the best sheriff, but I think it proves a point," Ken Schwab said Tuesday. Schwab wants the four other candidates to meet him June 1 at a shooting range. Each will fire 24 rounds at targets to determine the best shot, Schwab said. The challenge could be a problem for one candidate -- a well-known local tax protester and convicted felon who's not allowed to possess a firearm. -------------------------- [Note from SuperChef: This item contains more information concerning an item from Monday's Fast News Forum]: Patterson, New Jersey: When 60-year-old Al Asbaty returned to his car after shopping, he was startled to find that thousands of bees were building a hive inside his Oldsmobile. Due to the sunny and warm weather, he had left the windows rolled down, allowing a queen bee to fly in, followed by about 20,000 of her most faithful servants. Just as one of Asbaty's relatives was about to spray the inside of the car with a can of insecticide, police bee expert Tom Fuscalo arrived and managed to coax the insects into an artificial hive. -------------------------- Farmer's Branch, Texas: Customers waiting for car repairs at Swedish Auto Incorporated now have an alternative to reading old magazines. William Signs, owner of the garage, is offering a free marriage ceremony with any 30,000-mile inspection on Hondas, Volvos and BMWs. For the $290 price of the inspection, he will throw in the cost of being married by the local justice of the peace, a $25 value. The inspection comes with a warranty, but there is no guarantee on the marriage. Then again, the justice of the peace, Judge Bob Forman, suggests, "Maybe the car will break down and the marriage won't." He says he hasn't seen anything like this stunt since his days as a practicing attorney, when a client asked him to draw up wills for employees in lieu of cash bonuses at Christmas. Signs said he got the idea during a trip to Las Vegas, where he noticed a helicopter operator offering free marriage ceremonies with the purchase of a deluxe helicopter ride. He decided to borrow the concept and bring some joy to the unhappy business of auto repair. "Normally people don't get good news" at auto shops, he adds. The mechanic isn't concerned about his offer hastening the nuptials of mismatched partners or cheapening the institution of marriage. After all, 30,000-mile inspections aren't inexpensive. "They're going to have to spend almost $300." he says. If the promotion proves popular, Signs is prepared to expand it to providing one-size-fits-all tuxedos and wedding dresses of the type that grooms and brides easily slip into at high-volume Las Vegas wedding chapels. For customers whose marriages fall apart, Signs is considering another bargain -- an uncontested divorce after four 30,000-mile inspections, a $100 value. To advertise the promotion, Signs sent out a mailing to prospective customers and placed an ad on the side the shop van. But the ad began two months ago, and so far no one has taken Signs up on it. He has, however, heard lots of giggles and guffaws from people who call or stop to ask if the deal is real. Meanwhile, his own Volvo is approaching another 30,000- mile point, and he's worried that his girlfriend may notice and pressure him to cash in on his own offer. To avoid that, he says he's considering disabling his odometer. -------------------------- Martinez, California: Gus Kramer faces an unusual challenge in his race for county assessor: His opponents would rather see a dead man elected. Kramer's only rival in the Contra Costa County race, Dan Hallissy, died of a heart attack April 10 -- too late for anyone else to run. But Hallissy's name will remain on the ballot for the June 7 nonpartisan primary. And the incumbent assessor is working to get him elected. Voters should have "a chance to elect an honest, experienced person to this office," said assessor John Biasotti. A Hallissy victory would force a special election next March, open to any candidate. U.S. Representative Bill Baker, a Republican, also is backing the posthumous effort. His spokesman said voters should have a choice. Kramer, who briefly stopped campaigning to mark Hallissy's death, decried the effort as a "classical case of cronyism." He said his opponents "want the taxpayer to blow $800,000," about the cost of a special election. Kramer also bristled at the charge he's unfit for the job, citing his experience as city clerk for Martinez and as a real estate agent for the county's Public Works Department. The assessor's office is responsible for estimating property values in the 830,000-person county, 30 miles east of San Francisco. The job pays $84,000 a year. -------------------------- Chicago, Illinois: Police passing out composite drawings of a suspect in two rapes were stunned when a man matching the description walked by. Drake Sanders of Chicago looked like the composite drawing, was wearing clothing victims described and had an earring and scar that matched the description. Sanders was walking past the building where an attack took place Wednesday. The first attack was May 10. Sanders was arrested and held in jail. -------------------------- Seattle, Washington: The new U.S. Weather Service radar on Camano Island and atmospheric profiler at Sand Point began to pick up a mysterious 20 mile per hour wind out of the south each night about a month ago, a wind that started about sunset and ended at dawn. Forecasters finally realized the new instrument is almost too accurate for its own good: It was detecting no wind, but the annual nighttime migration of thousands of birds towards the north, said a meteorologist. -------------------------- Fort Worth, Texas: Lee Lively thought he was doing the right thing when he shot a drunken driving suspect who had beaten up a policeman and was running away. His faith was shaken when Jesus Puentes demanded $1.7 million for his wounds. But the jury said Puentes is the one who must pay -- $1.75 million in punitive damages and $1,000 for Cpl. Randy Whisenhunt's injuries. "We just wanted to make a statement. We're tired of the frivolous lawsuits that are plaguing our court system," juror Elsie Bowles said. February 17, 1990, Lively saw Puentes grabbing for Whisenhunt's gun. The officer managed to knock it away, but ended up with Puentes sitting on his chest, beating his face. Lively said he leaped out of his truck and beat Puentes to the gun. As Puentes began to run, Lively said he shouted twice for him to stop, then shot him twice in the legs. -------------------------- Los Angeles, California: "Evolution isn't a terrible thing. All you have to do is look at a poodle. Poodles are descended from wolves. But they've progressed. They know the importance of a good haircut." Barbara Graham, author of the self-help book parody, "Women Who Run With the Poodles." -------------------------- Moscow, Russia: First it was a flight in a MiG fighter jet. Then 30 seconds of weightlessness in a cosmonaut-training device. Soon thrill-seeking tourists may be able to ride in a Russian submarine, tank or missile ship. Pressed for money and burdened with surplus weaponry since the end of the Cold War, Russia is pioneering a new fad: military tourism. The only requirements are a taste for adventure and plenty of cash. As the plane goes into a dive from 30,000 feet, passengers in its padded zero-gravity chamber suddenly rise from the aircraft's floor. The price for floating free for half a minute: $4,000. -------------------------- Des Moines, Iowa: A repentant burglar returned his loot to its owners, along with a note explaining why: "My priest said I done a wrong." More than $200, a pair of sunglasses and some golf balls were found Monday morning on the steps of Potthoff Foods Incorporated, a meat wholesaler. "He took my sunglasses, but I didn't know he took them until I got them back this morning," sales representative Phil Barber said. "You know, I don't think something like this happens that often. It's sort of neat. The guy did wrong, but he tried to make it right." The break-in at Potthoff's happened late Friday or early Saturday. The thief pried open a door and rummaged through some desks. Potthoff officials said they're not going to depend on the honesty of thieves' nature in the future. "We are adding an extra security system today," Barber said. -------------------------- Beijing, China: China declared the dripless toilet a national priority and began a purge of leaky and substandard fixtures. Of China's 570 cities, 300, including Beijing, have serious water shortages, and the 50 in the worst shape distribute water through quotas. The Construction Ministry, citing lack of government control, estimated that leaks from "cheap and inferior" toilets waste 200 million cubic meters of water a year. The agency ordered use of equipment from any of 10 state-sanctioned "top-of-the-line toilet makers" in government projects. -------------------------- St. Paul, Minnesota: For people with lots on their agenda, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing Company creates 25-inch-by-30-inch Post-It Easel Pads. -------------------------- Hollywood, California: Jay Leno on North Korea telling the United Nations it can search anywhere it wants to except two nuclear power plants: "How stupid are we supposed to be? ... That's like Clinton saying you can check my tax records except for '79 and '81." -------------------------- Tokyo, Japan: A bull bound for slaughter gave its handlers the slip Wednesday and escaped into Tokyo's teeming streets. The 1,300-pound bull, shipped in from southern Japan, thundered down the gangplank as soon as it was lowered, bolted past port police and headed for the wide open spaces. More than 20 policeman chased the animal for 40 minutes through nearly three miles of city traffic before managing to herd it into the parking lot of a posh hotel. Waiting patrol cars formed a makeshift corral to avert another escape. Police then roped the bull's horns and tied it to a tree until the owner came to transport it. -------------------------- -- Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com] The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page