From cate3@netcom.com Tue Jun 27 07:49:26 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life E.7
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 29 Jun 94 11:05:53 PDT (Wednesday)
Subject: Life E.7
The following are from the humor list:
HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu (Or HUMOR@uga.bitnet)
To add yourself send to LISTSERV@UGA.bitnet the command
SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname, as the first line in the message
----------------------------------------------------
From: Laurie Firth [lfirth@ELWOOD.LIRIS.LORAL.COM]
Did you hear about the Divorced Barbie Doll?
She comes with all of Ken's stuff!!
--------------------------
From: Alar Pardla [alar@EL.EE]
In old peoples home:
"Remember Mich, when we were at war (Vietnam), they gave us some
pills, that we wouldn't want to chase women?"
"Yeah, I remember..."
"It seems that they finally have started working."
--------------------------
From: Les Pourciau at UMem [POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU]
Two oldtimers met at a 50 year reunion of their college class. "I know
you," one said to the other, who responded, "Your face is familiar,
but I can't recall your name. What is it?" Following a long, long
pause, the other asked, "How soon do you need to know?"
--------------------------
From: Tommy Hughes [HUE@USCN.BITNET]
About the year 1727, when the back settlers of that country were
as proverbial for their prejudices, as ever the first settlers of
Plymouth were, an old woman, about 120 miles from Richmond, on
James river, was so unfortunate as to have a sow litter a pig
with two tails. The circumstance soon overran the settlement. A
general alarm was spread; and the parson of the parish was
resorted to by the affrighted people to account for this
wonderful phenomena; The sage divine, after duly considering the
affair, declared that, as all pigs by nature, were endowed one
tail, it was probable that the devil was officious in the
generation of his litter, and, as he cannot make any thing
perfect, that these two tails were left as a mark of his
imperfection; the parson further observed, that as other
neighbours had sows, on whom the evil spirit might have tried his
operations, his partiality to this old woman was a proof that
she must have a connection with him, and that should could be
nothing less than a witch. The poor woman was immediately
apprehended, and it was determined to tie her up in a sack, and
throw her into the river; if she floated she was a witch and must
be hung, if she sunk she was innocent. A vast concourse of people
assembled on the bank to see the operation, and while the church
wardens were absolutely engaged in drawing the bag over her, a
colonel Taylor who was lately come from Ireland, hit on the
following stratagem to save her.
"By my soul," said he to the wardens, "ye are all wrong; you know
nothing of witches; now in Ireland, we have found out a much
surer way, without half the trouble." The people were anxious to
hear the Irish method, "Why" (says the colonel) "my jewels, we
put the woman in one scale and the big church bible in the other;
if the bible out weighs the woman she is a witch, and must be
burned, but if the woman is the heaviest she is no witch by my
soul." The colonel's method was approved of: the trial made, and
thus the life of a woman preserved, who, but for Colonel Taylor's
stratagem, must have fallen a sacrifice to the ignorance and
prejudices of an illiterate people. (Beer's Almanac for 1798)
Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early
American Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press.
--------------------------
From: Antonio Oliveros [OLIVEROS@IBERO.UIA.MX]
Hi you gang, as i was looking yesterday in a drawer in wich i keep
almost all the funny things, I find an old piece of newspaper with a funny
burglar story. The newspaper is from 1985, unfortunately the header is almost
illegible, so don't ask me the exact date.
Notimex() Yesterday a burglar died from a Heart attack, when he enter a home in
the pedregal area (Upper class zone in Mexico city). The owner of the house, a
middle age lady, was alone at home, and she had applied a beauty treatment
of yougurth, avocado and cucumbers as she had said, when she heard some noise
in the house, as she was alone, she became terrorized as she realized that an
stranger was in her home, that she tried to hide on her closet, but, as she
closed the door, she hit her nose with the door, wich started to bleed.
as the burglar enther her room and open the closet door, she start yelling,
and perhaps the sight of a person with pale green face and bleeding was too
much to the burglar, who instantly died.
--------------------------
From: Phil Corless [APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET]
Thomas Edison had a unique way of hiring engineers.
He'd give the applicant a light bulb and ask, "How
much water will it hold?"
There were two ways to find the answer. The first
choice was to use gauges to measure all the angles
of the bulb. Then with the measurements in hand,
the engineer would calculate the surface area. This
approach could take as long as twenty minutes.
The second choice was to fill the bulb with water and
then pour the contents into a measuring cup. Total
elapsed time: about a minute.
Engineers who took the first route, and performed
their measurements by book, were thanked politely
for their time and sent on their way. If you took
the second route, you heard Edison say, "You're hired."
(From Managing By Storying Around, by David Armstrong)
--------------------------
From: Antonio Oliveros [OLIVEROS@IBERO.UIA.MX]
There's a story is about a bank robbery, a man with no weapons
robbed 3 banks in 30 minutes, How? the 3 banks are very close enough to make the
is stunt. he entered the bank, tell the manager this is a robbery, i have no gun,
but if you see the top of that building, there is a friend of mine with a shotgun
and he's aiming at you, now gimme the money. He grabs the money and proceed to
the next bank. He repeated the same procedure in each bank and went away.
3 hours later, when they realized that the guy with the shotgun was still there,
the police, sure that they will catch the thief, went to the building
and they finded... A dummy made with old clothes holding a broom!!!
--------------------------
From: "Wayland Wasserman (temp)" [waylandw@MAILPO2.ASYM2PO.ASYMETRIX.COM]
Ok somebody triggered a pointer to the wrong memory block and now you'll all
pay for it. These are various stories that have been crawling around the
dark and twisted parts of my brain for lo these many years.
1. In Vancouver BC two guys went in to rob a bank in the middle of winter.
They returned to their car with the cash and started to drive off. The
problem was that they were parked on a patch of ice and unable to move.
Robber number 2 gets out to push the car off of the ice so they can get
moving. As soon as the car starts to move Robber number 1 hits the gas.
Robber number 2 with a good grip on the bumper gets dragged about 20 feet
on his face before #1 stops to let him in. Slightly dazed #2 gets into the
car and sits down on his shotgun. The shotgun goes off wounding #2.
Thinking that his partner is trying to kill him for the cash #2 pulls
his pistol and opens fire on #1 who responds in kind. The cops arrived
about 5 minutes later to find both crooks dead.
3. Bellevue Washington, a motorist was having a bad day one winter. The
guys car got stuck in a snow bank and he became slightly incensed. His
response? Beat on the car with a tire iron. After several minutes of this
he pulled out a 9mm pistol and fired several shots into the car. When the
gun jammed he went back to the tire iron. The cops arrived, arrested him
for discharging a firearm within the city limits and observed "He killed it.
It's a case of Autocide."
4. Seattle. A driver stopped to help another driver in trouble. He was
looking under the hood of the stalled car when he heard his car start up.
Apparently the other driver was in a real hurry. Fortunately there was
another driver who observed this and gave chase. The second driver emptied
his pistol into the fleeing car, but eventually lost track of him. The car
(plus bullet holes) was later recovered, but the second driver was never
heard from. Just imagine the wife when she saw the bullet holes in
the trunk. "What is it that you do at work again?"
--------------------------
From: Angel Dey [DEY@USCN.BITNET]
Staff Officer: "Meine Fuhrer, Italy has joined the war!"
Hitler: "Send an Army Division immediately"
Staff Officer: "No, meine Fuhrer, they joined on *our*side"
Hitler: "Then send Ten Divisions!"
--------------------------
From: Les Pourciau at The University of Memphis [POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU]
The item which follows originally appeared in USA TODAY, July 18, 1989.
==========
Sure, I want a Job;
Wanna arm-wrestle?
Robert Half thought he had heard it all.
Then he took a survey of 100 personnel
directors to find out what kind of crazy
things people say during interviews. Now
He says, "You wonder how people get jobs
at all!"
Here are some of what personnel directors
say job seekers have done:
]"Dozed off and started snoring during
the interview."
]"Wore a Walkman and said she could listen
to me and the music at the same time."
]"Challenged the interviewer to arm-wrestle."
]"Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate
his loyalty by having the corporate logo
tattooed on his forearm."
]"Interrupted to phone his therapist for ad-
vice on answering specific interview questions."
]"Brought her large dog to the interview."
]"Balding candidate abruptly excused himself;
then, returned to office a few minutes later
wearing a hairpiece."
]"Chewed bubble gum and blew bubbles."
]"Stretched out on the floor to fill out job
application."
Half, president of the research firm, Robert
Half International, says the most important
thing you should do during a job interview
is the easiest: Be nice. "An interview is a
very tense situation," he says. "Try to think
of the word, 'smile.' You'll have a pleasant
face, but you won't show a mouthful of Chicklets."
--------------------------
From: Jim Harris [JHLAR@UKANVM.BITNET]
What's the first thing Bill Clinton will say to Al Gore AFTER the 1996
Presidential election?
"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order please?"
--------------------------
From: Paul Robinson [PAUL@TDR.COM]
Recently, the long-awaited Channel Tunnel (nicknamed 'the
Chunnel') opened between Great Britain and France.
Unfortunately, however, there was an alarm in the tunnel
during one of the test runs. The train's occupants were
diverted back to the English side via the Emergency Tunnel.
The alarm turned out to be a false alarm.
This has lead to all sorts of questions about what to name
the problems of false alarms with the tunnel. Some names included:
Channel Tunnel Syndrome
Carpool Tunnel Syndrome
Chunnel Vision
--------------------------
From: "DNA:THE SPLICE OF LIFE" [MASMITH@MICKEY.CARIBOO.BC.CA]
As an aside, I guess I shouldn't be all that surprised of all the elephant
jokes on the net. After all, only a net this large could capture so large
an animal:)
--------------------------
From: Robert Ton [robert.ton@GROTTO.ORG]
The best question to ask a technical type in a job interview: "Why are manhole
covers round?" Unless they know the answer (few have thought about this), it
will show how well they think on their feet. Some of the WRONG answers are:
Easy to move because you can roll them. Weigh less than square covers. Easier
to manufacture. The real reason, of course, is that round is the only shape
that cannot fall into the hole.
--------------------------
From: "Rob Slade" [ROBERTS@DECUS.CA]
A few years back, I worked in technical support for a certain software firm.
At the time, we were coming under pressure from the manager of a certain large
client who said that his salesmen complained that they could never reach us
directly on the telephone. As said salescritters tended to give us a lot of
trouble by not knowing what they were doing, and not accurately relaying the
information we gave them, I figured something must have been going on, and
that they were deliberately calling at times they knew we would not be in the
office. I got a new answering machine with a time stamp, and the next time the
manager called was able to document the fact that his salesmen were calling at
5:30am, PDT. Of even more interest to the manager was the fact that the calls
were at 8:30am *Eastern* Daylight Time. This was before *their* client
offices were open, and therefore the salesmen were calling before they had
made any sales or service calls, and were obviously deliberately avoiding
calling us.
--------------------------
From: Sharath K S + 1 908 615 6082 [shar@MT747.ATT.COM]
When Boeing aircrafts were new, a village school teacher took a bunch
of students to an airport to show them the new aircraft.
On sighting the new aircraft, students got excited and started shouting
"Boeing, Boeing, Boeing..."
Teacher got irritated and said "Don't shout that way, Be silent!"
After a momentary silence, kids continued "Oeing, Oeing, Oeing..."
--------------------------
From: Jim Harris [JHLAR@UKANVM.BITNET]
The UN faces a dilemma as North Korea continues its nuclear arms program:
How do you levy economic sanctions against a country which doesn't have
an economy?
--------------------------
From: Alain LAUVERJAT [lauverja@klakmuf.u-strasbg.fr]
A joke circulated on the network a while back:
"If someone makes a copy of a diskette, how can you tell that he's a
(insert your favorite 'picked-on' minority here)?"
"Because he uses a photocopier."
Well, let's laugh no longer, because this is now also true in Alsace (the
home of the teller-of-the joke). I requested an update from Word 4 to
Word 5 for the Mac, and the supplyer, as a proof of purchase, asked me to
send him a photocopy of the program diskette.
--------------------------
From: Jack Kolb [IKW4GWI@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU]
Two little girls were sitting in the lunchroom of the Beverly
Hills elementary school. "Guess what?" one said. "Mommy's
getting married again and I'll have a new daddy."
"Really?" said the other girl. "Who is she marrying?"
"Winston James, the director."
The second girl smiled. "Oh, you'll like him. He was my
daddy last year."
--------------------------
From: "Elroy Bos" [Elroy.Bos@ALG.VLK.WAU.NL]
Two Belgians drive up to a trafficlight. It's red. The Belgi-
ans stop: 'Ah, what a beautiful light' Then it turns green:
'Ah, this is a beautiful color as well'. Then it turns orange: 'This is
the best color I've ever seen'. And finally, it's red again. The one says to
the other: 'Come on, let's go, we've already seen this one.'
--------------------------
From: "DNA:THE SPLICE OF LIFE" [MASMITH@MICKEY.CARIBOO.BC.CA]
AHHHHH! The wonders of modern statistics. Through the use of sophisticated
polling techniques it is now possible to take the pulse of the nation
and diagnose the societal ills it contains. For instance, in this week's
issue of Mclean's (The Canadian equivalent of TIME) there is a special
report on the Canadian Family. The Angus Reid Poll found 52% of respondents
agreed that they are/were close emotionally to their Grandparents. 70% say they
were close to their pets!!
--------------------------
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
From: "Patrick Ryan" [p.ryan@uws.edu.au]
"Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
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