From cate3@netcom.com Thu Jul 13 12:33:53 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life E.B
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 8 Jul 94 14:55:32 PDT (Friday)
Subject: Life E.B
The following selections are from fido.humor
which was forwarded to me by:
Robert Dolan:wbst129UL
----------------------------------------------------
A bit of American wisdom was demonstrated at a medical school
during a discussion of obstetrics. "Who is happier of two men, one with
five million dollars or one with five kids?" asked the professor.
A student stood up to answer: "I'd guess the guy with five
kids," he said.
"And why did you pick him?" the professor asked.
"Because the guy with all that money, five million bucks, isn't
satisfied and wants more."
--------------------------
The other day a young girl rang the doorbell and tried to sell
me a ticket to a band concert.
"Sorry," I quickly replied, "I can't make it, but my spirit will
be there with you."
"Good!" she replied. "I have three-dollar, five-dollar, and
ten-dollar tickets. Where would your spirit like to sit?"
--------------------------
Here's a true story that happened to a friend's father today:
He was standing in line at the bank when there was a commotion
at the counter. A woman was distressed, exclaiming, "Where will I put my
money?! I have all my money and my mortgage here!! What will happen to my
mortgage?!"
It turned out that she had misunderstood a small sign on the
counter. The sign read,
WE WILL BE CLOSED FOR GOOD FRIDAY
I guess Easter was not uppermost in her thoughts, because she
thought that the bank was going to close "for good" this coming Friday!
--------------------------
Ed is sentenced to die when he gets a last-minute call from his
lawyer.
"I've got some good news and some bad news," says the lawyer.
"Tell me the bad news," says the convicted killer.
"They are going to send you to the electric chair at dawn."
"How can there be any good news?"
"I got the voltage reduced."
--------------------------
A drunk was hanging on to a lamp post for support when an old
lady walked by and asked, "Why don't you take a bus home?"
The drunk replied, "My wife would never let me keep it!"
--------------------------
Bernie the cabdriver is waiting for a fare at La Guardia Airport in
New York. A man jumps into his cab and says, "I'll geve you ten
thousand dollars, including expenses, if you drive me to Paris,
France."
Bernie thinks it over, then says, "I'm your man!" The cabbie drives
to the docks, where a luxury liner is just getting ready to sail. He
gets the captain to agree to let his cab on board and they cross the
Atlantic to Englnad. Once there, they cross over to France on a ferry
The cabbie drives non-stop until they get to Paris. He has been
driving around the streets of Paris for no more than ten minutes when
a guy jumps in his cab and says, "I'll give you $15,000 if you drive
me to New York!"
Bernie can't believe his luck. He drives to the coast of France,
takes a ferry to England, gets on an ocean liner, and sails back to
New York. When he gets to Manhattan, the passenger says, "I'd like to
go to this adderss in the Bronx."
"I'm sorry, Mac," says Bernie. "I don't go to the Bronx."
--------------------------
"Marie, I read that out in Iowa, a woman with nine kids married
a man with seven. Isn't that something?"
"Sure is," Marie responded. "That wasn't a marriage...it was a
merger!"
--------------------------
Fred and Dorothy were having their usual loud and endless
argument about family reunions. At last, Fred relented. "I'm awfully
sorry, Sweetheart. I didn't mean all those hateful things I said about
your family. As a matter of fact, I like your mother-in-law a whole
lot better than I do mine."
--------------------------
To prevent hijackings the airlines make spot checks, and a few years
ago - for some reason - I was always the one picked out of the line
as a potential hijacker. Always they'd take me to a room, look
through my bags - and, in most cases they'd walk me to the plane just
to show me it was nothing personal. I finally got tired of being
picked and decided to get even. One day I went down to the airport
and got in line, and sure enough, the marshall looked at me. He
pulled me off the line, went through my luggage and found nothing,
then told me he was sorry but these checks had to be made. I acted a
bit annoyed, and he put me on the plane. I was the first one on.
Again he said he was sorry, and I told him I understood. the only
reason I did understand was because I was on the plane - and I hadn't
even bought a ticket!
--------------------------
Child rearing myth #1: Labor ends when the baby is born.
--------------------------
A Texan was showing an out-of-state visitor his ranch. As they
bumped over a rough dusty road, a bird dashed across in front of the
jeep. "That's a bird of paradise," the Texan said.
"He's a long way from home, isn't he?" the visitor answered.
--------------------------
At whether stations people have to enter several times per day the
amount. On one occasion somebody typed in that amount without a
decimal point instead of 8.45cm he entered 8m45. Apparently there was a
test for such numbers because following error message appeared :
Build a boat. Take of all animals two : a male and a female
--------------------------
"George Washington really remembered things."
"Why? What do you mean?"
"You still celebrate his memory, don't you!"
--------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a University, a Polytechnic, and a
College ?
A: When a lecturer walks into a class and says "Good Morning", at a
University the students say "Good Morning" back, at a Polytechnic they
ignore him, and at a College they write it down.
--------------------------
In a large office full of administrators sat a worker at his
desk, his IN and OUT boxes practically overflowing. Yet he did not look
the least bit harried. On the front of his desk was a sign that read:
THE BUCK PAUSES HERE AND, HAVING PAUSED, MOVES ON.
--------------------------
One day a salesman stopped by the Tom Jenkins farm, knocked, and
Tom's wife Mabel came to the door. "Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked.
"Sure is. He's over to the cow barn."
"Well, I got something to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any
difficulty finding him?"
"Shouldn't have. He's the one with the beard and mustache."
--------------------------
This woman decides to buy a new cupboard that you have to assemble
yourself.
Back home she reads the instructions carefully and assembles the
cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really neat. Then, a train passes and
the whole cupboard collapses.
Not daunted by this she re-reads the instructions and reassembles
the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses.
Thinking that she must have done *something* wrong she re-re-reads the
instructions and re-re-assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes
and the whole cupboard collapses.
Now, she's finally fed up with this and calls the client service. She
is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a
technician to have a look. The technician arrives and assembles the
cupboard.
Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses.
Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the technician decides to
reassemble the cupboard and sit inside it to see whether he can find
out what causes the cupboard to collapse.
At this point, the womans husband comes home, sees the cupboard and
says: "That's a nice looking cupboard", and opens it.
Says the technician: "You won't believe me, but I'm standing here
waiting for the train".
--------------------------
Jesse James told his brother Frank, "Tomorrow we rob the Second
National Bank."
Frank said, "We'd better not. That's where we keep OUR money!"
--------------------------
When I moved into this small town, everybody greeted me, "Hello,
pardner." Wherever I went, it was "Hello pardner." Then I went into
the bank to cash a check, and it was "Howdy, stranger!"
--------------------------
One barbershop in town put up a sign attacking the fancy salon down
the block. The sign said, "Why pay twenty dollars? We give haircuts
for two dollars."
The salon got even by putting up a sign of its own that said, "We
repair two-dollar haircuts!"
--------------------------
Two fighters went through the motions, hardly touching one another.
They danced around and around. Finally the referee got them in a clinch
and said, "I don't mind your dancing around like that, but dipping is out!"
--------------------------
SLICK-WILLIE HILLBILLIES
(Sung to the Beverly Hillbillies)
Now listen to the story about a man named Bill.
He told his lies to get to Capitol Hill.
Some were small, some others were large.
The biggest one of all, was saying he's in charge.
(Hillary is, top dog, real man of the family)
Well, the next thing he does is pick the Cabinet.
Who he picks is like he lost a bet.
Zoe Baird and "Jaws"lyn Elders, too.
We'd all be better off, if he left'em in the zoo.
(Sing Sing, Wild Animal Park, a pet cemetary)
Now it's time to kick'em out and all his liberal friends.
If he stays in office, he'll only tax and spend.
More government control is what he wants to see
Let's vote him out of office and keep Democracy.
(Freedom that is, Rights)
Y'all don't come back, y'hear.
--------------------------
I can't believe it happened. The other day I jogged backward and put
on eight pounds!
I may not jog or play tennis, but I'm a very brisk eater!
I hear that exercise kills germs. But how do you get the little
buggers to exercise?
I woke up this morning with a real desire to exercise. So I stayed
in bed till the desire went away!
--------------------------
John had been fishing all day with no luck. On his way home, he
entered a fish market and asked the clerk, "Mister, just stand there and
throw me several of your biggest bass." The clerk was puzzled. "Throw
them? What's the idea?" John replied, "I may be a bad fisherman, but
I'm not a liar. I want to be able to tell my family that I caught them."
--------------------------
Because of a dense fog, a Mississippi steamboat had to stop at
the mouth of the river. A woman passenger demanded to know the cause of
the delay. "Can't see up the river," the harassed captain replied.
"Fog's too thick."
"But I can see the stars overhead," the woman said.
"Yes," the captain growled, "but unless the boilers explode,
we're not going that way."
--------------------------
A man visited the Grand Canyon for the first time and went on
enthusiastically and endlessly about its great beauty. Near him was an
older man who didn't seem to be at all excited about the vista. The
younger man said, after his fiftieth superlative, "Sir, I can't help but
notice that this magnificent view doesn't stir you."
The old man said, "I'm stirring and I'm enthusing. I just ain't
TALKING!"
--------------------------
Warden: Men, today marks my fifteenth anniversary as head of this
prison, and I'd like all of you to join me in celebrating.
What kind of party would you suggest?
Prisoners (in chorus): Open house.
--------------------------
While driving in central Wisconsin, the Graham family caught up
to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense
of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand
printed sign..."Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step on exhaust."
--------------------------
A leopard entered the Jungle Olympics every four years and always won the
gold medal in the Long Jump. He got tired of this and the next Olympics
decided try the High Jump and the Javelin. He did very poorly in both,
thus proving that a leopard can't change his sports...
--------------------------
A Cabbie takes on a fare in wintry Washington. Driving at a snail's
pace to put as much as possible on the meter, the cabbie seems to be in
absolutely no hurry. Finally the passenger says, "If you're trying to
do me a favor by waiting for the cherry blossoms to bloom, I've seen
them!"
They knew he was going to be a cabbie. In math class at school he
could never find the shortest distance between two points.
A cabbie went on vacation to England. While in London, he was taken
to many of the historic places. Finally he was shown the statue of Lord
Nelson in which a leg has been shot off. He was told, "This is where
Nelson was hit."
The cabbie said, "Were there any witnesses?"
Rain is weird...it makes flowers emerge and taxis disappear.
--------------------------
The little boy returned from his first experience in church and was
asked how it went. He said, "The music and singing were nice, but the
commercial was too long."
The church was conducting its annual fund drive. One member of the
congregation said, "I give ten dollars." Just then, a piece of plaster
fell from the ceiling and landed on his head. He spoke up again
quickly. "I give a thousand dollars!"
The minister said, "Lord, hit him again!"
The sermon had been going on endlessly. Finally the minister's voice
cracked and said, "What more can I say?"
One parishioner yelled, "How about `Amen'!"
--------------------------
It's amazing how a three-day weekend makes people sick the day before.
--------------------------
A missionary couple was captured by some decidedly unfriendly natives,
tied together with a long piece of leather and left dangling over a large
cliff. That evening, the natives danced and chanted around the campfire
and as each member passed the leather strap holding the unfortunate
missionaries, he gave it a whack with a stick, causing it to weaken a bit
more. As the chanting grew louder and louder, the husband looked at his
wife romantically and said, "Listen darling. They're fraying our thong!"
--------------------------
The doctor had just been buried. The last words of the service over,
his friends and family started toward their cars. However, they stopped
because a strange, eerie sound suddenly was heard from the grave. As
the guests looked around, a colleague of the deceased said, "It's
nothing... just his beeper."
--------------------------
A Scotsman went into a phone booth and called a number. Connected,
he said, "Mary, my love, will you marry me? Think it over and call me."
He gave her the number of the phone in the booth.
Hours went by and the Scotsman stood around. The phone didn't ring
once. Another Scot, watching from a pub across the street, came over
and said, "Look, lad. She won't marry you. You might as well come in
and have a pint. Not that I'm buying, mind you."
The waiting Scot waved off his friend and continued to wait.
Suddenly the phone rang. The Scot said, "Mary's the girl for me, I
knew that. She was waiting for the night rates!"
--------------------------
Wives can suffer in silence louder than anybody in the world!
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
From: "Patrick Ryan" [p.ryan@uws.edu.au]
"Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
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