From cate3@netcom.com Tue Jul 18 08:31:15 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life E.C
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 11 Jul 94 16:48:21 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life E.C
The following selections are from fido.humor
which was forwarded to me by:
Robert Dolan:wbst129UL
----------------------------------------------------
Unemployed for over six months, Brian was so poor that a bunch of his friends
in the Lion's Club got together to hold a raffle . . . one that was guaranteed
to earn him the five-thousand dollar first prize. They gave him ticket number
six, filled the hat with tickets that had only number six and, further, so he
wouldn't suspect the raffle was rigged, they even let Brian pull the ticket
from the hat.
Reaching into the hat at the front of the meeting hall, Brian pulled out a
ticket, adjusted his glasses, and said in a loud voice, "The winning number is
6 7/8!"
--------------------------
Left Brain? Right Brain?
At my age, I simply try to make use of what's left of my brain.
--------------------------
A 4-year-old attended evening church services with his
grandmother the other Sunday. It wasn't long before the little boy
began to get restless.
"Can we leave now?" he asked.
"Not just yet," his grandmother whispered to him. "In a little
while."
About this time, the minister asked the congregation to pray.
Everyone one was ready...except for the little boy who glanced around,
pulled at his grandmother's arm and whispered, "They got their eyes shut
now...let's sneak out."
--------------------------
When buying a used car, check the radio's push buttons. If they
are all set on rock stations, the transmission is probably shot.
Dave will pay closer attention next time. When he bought his
car, the dealer assured him it was a bargain that wouldn't last
long. The dealer was right.
Susan recently attended a stress management seminar, and she
discovered that the cause of her stress is management.
Sam went to a movie recently and things have really changed.
This time the cops were on the screen and the robbers were
selling refreshments.
The nice thing about wearing a smile is that one size fits
everybody.
--------------------------
A rather frugal man asked the bank for a loan of one dollar and
was told he would have to pay seven percent interest at the end of the
year. For security he offered $60,000. in U.S. bonds. The banker,
foreseeing a potential depositor, accepted the bonds and gave the man a
dollar.
At the end of the year, he was back with a dollar and seven
cents to clear up his debt and asked for the return of his bonds. Upon
returning the bonds the banker asked, "I don't want to be inquisitive,
but since you have all those bonds, why did you have to borrow a
dollar?"
"Well," said the tightfisted old gent, "I really didn't have to.
But do you know of any other way I could get the use of a safety
deposit box for seven cents a year?"
--------------------------
Do you want to drive somebody crazy? Send him a telegram saying,
"Disregard first telegram."
--------------------------
Judge: Where were you between five and six?
Defendant: In kindergarten!
Judge: Do you ever listen to your conscience?
Defendant: Yes, but I get very poor reception!
Judge: Have you anything to offer this court before I pass sentence?
Defendant: Nope. My lawyer took every last penny.
--------------------------
Sitting at the bar after a game, Joe said to a club member, "I'm not
about to play golf with Jim Walsh anymore."
"Why not?"
"Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green."
"That's possible."
"Not when I had the ball in my pocket!"
Larry got a hole in one the other day, but he's going crazy trying to
figure out how to mount it!
--------------------------
"Does he suffer from insanity?"
"No, he enjoys every minute of it!"
--------------------------
A hillbilly family on the West Virginia-Ohio border was having the
evening meal and the father noticed his daughter wasn't eating. He asked
her why she wasn't eating and she said, "I just ain't hongry, paw."
The father says, "Don't tell me that. You ain't et in 2 or 3 days. Now
what's wrong?"
The daughter replied, "Wha'll if'n you really wanna know. I'm
pregnated."
Pappy demanded, "Who the daddy be?"
His daughter answered, "Clarence from over Ohio be the daddy."
The old man jumps up and exclaimed, "Boys, get yo' guns. We'uns is goin'
ta Ohio!"
The whole clan loads up in an old pick-up truck and heads for Ohio.
Just as they get into Ohio, they go under an overpass and the old man
spins the truck around and slams on the brakes. One of the sons in the
back of the truck hollers out, "Pa! What you stoppin' fer?"
The old man replies, "We'uns gotta go back fer more kin folk!"
The son asks, "Whut fer? Thar's already 7 of us and only one of him."
The old man exclaims, "Didn't you see thet sign?! It says Clarence be
14 feet, 7 inches!"
--------------------------
Getting old has its advantages. Your friends can come to your
birthday party and warm themselves around the cake.
Gambling is a great way of getting nothing for something.
We have a dozen bingo halls in our town. All the proceeds go
to fight gambling.
--------------------------
One day a man is driving down the road on an interstate trip. Along
the way he decides to stop along at one of the gas stations on the
side of the road. He walks up to the service man and tells him to put
twenty dollars in the tank and fill up his tires.
The service man proceeds to do as his customer asked him. When the
job is finished, the service man walks up and says, "That will be
$25.00 sir."
"What?" replied the traveler, "you mean it costs five dollars just to
have someone put air in your tires?"
The service man takes in a deep sigh and replies, "Inflation, inflation."
--------------------------
A young pupil asked the teacher, "What did I learn today?"
The teacher said, "That's an odd question."
The young pupil said, "Yup, but they'll ask me when I get home!"
--------------------------
One lady driver said it all. "The thing I hate most about
parking is that noisy crash!"
--------------------------
Two very rich people got divorced, and their lawyers lived
happily ever after.
Clothes don't necessarily make the man, but a good suit makes a
lawyer.
A lawyer was questioning one of the witnesses. "Are you sure my
client shot him at close range?"
The witness added, "Very close range."
"Were there powder marks on him?"
"Yup. Why do you think she shot him?"
--------------------------
The attorney was questioning the witness, who was responding
directly to the attorney. The attorney said, "Please speak to the
jury."
The witness smiled at the jury and said, "Hi there!"
--------------------------
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.
Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot
fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A
twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out. When the fence was
forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How
high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks
the gate at night!"
--------------------------
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old
Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."
The next day it rained.
A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said,
"Tomorrow storm."
The next day there was a hailstorm.
"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his
secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.
However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian
didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him.
"I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm
depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio
broken."
--------------------------
Everyone knows that Texas is the second biggest state,
but if they were to divide Alaska in half,
then Texas would be the third biggest state.
--------------------------
A preacher always got into his sermon about noon. At that
time, the train would go through the town and blow its whistle. Several
members of the congregation went to the train company and begged them to
change the schedule. The darn whistle was waking everybody up!
--------------------------
A man complained that justices of the peace were misnamed. He'd
been married by one and hadn't had any peace since!
--------------------------
A religious man who reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped
going to the synagogue. Alarmed by the man's absence after so many
years of faithful attendance, the rabbi visited the man.
"How come after all these years we don't see you at services?"
"Well, rabbi," the man said, "when I reached 105, I figured that
God must have forgotten about me...and I don't want to remind him."
--------------------------
She had been putting it off for years. Each of her six children pleaded and
then finally together they all insisted. Finally, old Mrs. Kazinski had some
dentures made. Three days later she returned to Dr. Wallach's office.
"You know those teeth you make for me?" she asked. "They're no good. They
don't fit."
"That's not too unusual," replied the dentist. "Let's check your bite and
see what the trouble is."
After performing several bite tests, Wallach announced, "As far as I can see
they fit fine!"
"I not talking about my mouth," said the woman. "They don't fit in the glass"
--------------------------
The goaltender threw a party after his team won the championship, and as a
special honor asked the coach to say grace.
Finishing up the short prayer, the team's guiding light said, ". . . we
thank you, Lord, in the name of the Father, Son, and goalie host."
--------------------------
Many people will remember Golda Mier, the former Prime Minister of
Israel. Not many though remember her Husband Oscar. Oscar was an
active terrorist leader in Plasticine in the 1940's, trying to get
Israel recognized as the Jewish homeland.
Oscar Mier's band of terrorists were very famous, and very
effective. In fact that band was the basis of what eventually became
the Musad, the Israeli intelligence service. Mier insisted that only
the toughest, nosiest, most dedicated men be allowed to serve in his
outfit. He also insisted on strict exercise and dietary rules for his
men. His band of men were only allowed to eat wheat and wheat based
meals. No meat, very little vegetable or fruit were allowed eyecup
when they had successfully completed a terrorist assignment.
This diet had the desired affect on these men, and they were the
most effective, most ruthless and bloodiest of all the terrorist
squads operating in Pulsative....
They were known far and wide as Oscar Mier's all Wheat Meanies!
--------------------------
The three partners of a firm went to a convention out of town.
As the plane carried them to their destination, one of the partners
gulped and told the second partner, "I forgot to lock the safe."
The third partner said, "There's nothing to worry about. All
three of us are here!"
--------------------------
"One man's perversion is another man's Phil Donahue show."
-- Johnny Carson
"Bryant Gumbel's ego has applied for statehood -- and if it's accepted
it will be the fifth largest."
--Willard Scott
--------------------------
All afternoon a real estate agent had been showing a young couple empty
houses. The ones they loathed always seemed to be available, but the ones that
struck their fancy invariable had been snapped up by others. Finally they came
to a house at the very edge of town and fell in love with it. "Please," they
begged, "tell us that this one we can have."
"It's yours," beamed the agent. "It's last but not leased!"
--------------------------
There is also a man who is so forgetful that one night he put
his cat to bed and put himself outside. He did not discover his mistake
until a dog chased him and he found he could not climb a tree. Another
time he put his best shirt to bed and sent himself to the laundry to be
washed. But he didn't realize what he had done until they tried to iron
him.
--------------------------
Worn out from carrying the luggage and running for the train,
the husband said, "If you'd moved a little faster, we would have caught
that train."
The wife said, "If you hadn't rushed, we wouldn't have had to
wait so long for the next one!"
--------------------------
My great uncle Leroy (The noted failure), lived with Aunt Matilda
in a nice little house with a pleasant porch. He also lived with
a large Great Dane, who stayed out in the back yard. Every day, Matilda
would toss the Great Dane (Gerald) a big soup bone. One day, Gerald was
in front yard, so she throw the bone off the porch. Unfortunately, she
forgot that she has a very fancy set of wind chimes on the front porch,
made up of cut glass mice. The bone flew right into the wind chime,
and smashed it to smithereens. That was bad enough, but what got
Uncle Leroy in trouble was telling her "People who live with glass
mouses, should not throw bones!"
--------------------------
Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?
A: A police lineup
And you didn't think Al Gore was funny.
We all know about Whitewater and the alleged shredding of documents. On
Sunday (3/6) Al responded to an interviewer's question about evidence:
"Bill and Hillary have provided the special prosecutor with every shred
of evidence they have." ^^^^^
Q: What's a conservative?
A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.
what is a conservative?
a liberal who's been mugged.
A liberal will let a few people cheat the system to make sure that
nobody goes hungry. A conservative will let a few people go hungry to
make sure nobody cheats the system.
Yet another Oxymoron:
Whitewater Development
Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?
You pull a little ring and it NEVER tells the same story twice!
Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
To tax the chicken.
Q. Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against
his critics?
A. Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.
Q. If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before
Clinton commits perjury?
A. When he's sworn in.
--------------------------
Interested in buying a summer place, a man asked a farmer, "How
does the land lie around here?"
The farmer said, "The land don't lie. It's the real estate
people that lie!"
A real estate agent bought a sports car and had the engine
reworked so that it would go even faster. Asked why he needed to go a
hundred fifty miles an hour, he answered, "I advertise this one house as
being five minutes from shopping, and I don't want to lie!
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
From: "Patrick Ryan" [p.ryan@uws.edu.au]
"Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
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