From cate3@netcom.com Thu Jul 20 18:21:06 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life E.D
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 12 Jul 94 15:34:52 PDT (Tuesday)
Subject: Life E.D
The following are from various random sources
----------------------------------------------------
From: Ed Johnson [EJOHNSO3@ua1vm.ua.edu]
]In English, the bird "turkey" was named as though it came from Turkey.
]In Turkish, the bird is named "hindi" as though it came from "Hindistan",
]which is Turkish for India. (Any Hindi speakers wish to comment on
]the Hindi name of a turkey?)
In Brazil the bird is called "Peru." If you have a "turkey" or a "lemon"
of a product in Brazil, you have an "abacoxi" which is Portuguese for
pineapple.
----------------------------------------------------
From: mlf@netcom.com (Michael L. Foster)
Can you believe it? Jumping several rungs *down* the ladder, from advertising
salepersons, to lawyers, to politicians and now to the dreaded orange-vested
highway hazard: The Cal-Trans Worker :{
--------------------------
Q. What's boxey and orange and sleeps four?
A. A Cal-Trans truck.
--------------------------
Q. How many Cal-Trans workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three to five over a 3-5 year period.
--------------------------
Q. How many Cal-Trans workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one but they have to shut the freeway down for a couple of
hours.
--------------------------
The new Century Freeway (originally named so for the length of time
the project was taking, or the estimated completion in the "next
century) is now called the "Glen Anderson" freeway in honor of the
first Caltrans worker to hold a wild sweeper train to under 5 miles
an hour without speeding up the whole day.
--------------------------
Q. A slow-talking lawyer, a public-minded politician, a quick-working
Cal-trans worker and a cheaply-paid Defense contractor were all standing
around a table with a bag of money on it. The lights suddenly go out
and when they come back on the money is gone. Who took it?
A. The lawyer. Everyone knows there's no such thing as a public-minded
politician, a cheaply-paid Defense contractor and a quick-working
Cal-trans worker. (Of course, no one said the lawyer was alive -- or
honest!)
--------------------------
Q. If a Caltrans worker left the yard at 4:30 a.m. travelling at 25
miles-per-hour and another left the yard at 4:45 a.m. travelling at
55 miles-per-hour, which one would arrive at the site of a gravel
spill first?
A. The one leaving at 4:30. Any Caltrans worker who actually drove
a vehicle the speed limit would probably be disqualified and fired first.
--------------------------
Definition: CMS -- Changeable Message Sign, n., Nintendo for Caltrans
workers.
----------------------------------------------------
From: Miles O'Neal [meo@pencom.com]
Mike L Haskell said...
This just in from rec.humor:
-]From Seventeen Party Book, copyright 1956, in a section suggesting
-]the use of outdoor lighting at a lawn party.
-]
-] "We hope you have an electrically minded brother or a
-] handy-man type pal around - unless you're the kind of
-] girl who understands extension cords and can rig the lights
-] up yourself."
-]
-]extension cords and lights must have been a real mental
-]challenge in the 50s. :-)
unbelievable. Its amazing that girls didn't wind up going to
special schools in short yellow school buses.
--------------------------
Steve Rogers (sroger@mcc.com) responds to a qustion on removing Silly
Putty (tm) from a blanket.
Silly putty is an extraterrestrial weapon. All pieces of silly putty are
pieces of the meteorite that fell in Siberia in 1908. This "metorite"
is actually a bit of debris from an alien space battle. Silly humans
think silly putty is amusing, but more advanced aliens recognize it for
the dangerous substance it is. Not only will it lift Garfield's face
right out of the funny paper, it will also lift the finish right off
your dining room table, so you can amuse yourself by contorting it into
silly expressions. (Come to think of it, my hand will lift Garfield's
face right out of the funny paper . . .) If left alone, a ball of
silly putty will collect lint and pet fur until it is approximately
the size of New Jersey. This can be very embarassing when you have
guests over. Send the blanket to NASA and have them blast it back
into outer space where it came from. Earthly technology is too
primitive to defend even a blanket from silly putty.
In all seriousness,
SR ;)
--------------------------
Don't even ask. This is from a mailing list I'm on. The discussion
is between a well-known net.kiwi and a well-known net.andy .
]What if Bob built an identical house in Denver 5 years ago. Say you
]bought the Mt. Vernon house. Your old classmate Joe decided to move to
]Denver, and bought the Denver house for the same price as you paid for
]the Mt. Vernon one. He lived in it 5 years and did nothing to it apart
]from routine maintenance, just as you did in Mt. Vernon. Then in 1994
]you got transferred to Denver. Meanwhile Joe, who was getting along in
]years and hadn't saved a *thing* for his retirement, decided to buy 4
]houses in Mt. Vernon and retire there, living off the rent from 3 of
]the houses. Could you afford the Denver house? How much time would
]you need to work for your employer to earn enough to pay the
]difference? If you bought it, did Joe earn the windfall he got from
]you? Who's work made Joe rich and sitting pretty for the rest of his
]life?
My head hurts. This reminds me too much of those infernal math
word problems that I hated so much in fourth grade.
"Phil, Howard, and Bono each have $100.00. Phil buys a lifetime
supply of Grecian Formula for Men for $69.95. Howard buys a
duck, also named Howard, for $29.95. Bono buys a red guitar
from K-Mart for $39.95 and Truth for $0.79. Assuming current
rates of inflation and depreciation, how much hair will Phil
have in 1998? What color will it be? Assuming that Howard
the Duck has 8,023 feathers, what will each feather be worth
after the nuclear war? Which of the three protagonists has
a Messiah Complex? In a free market economy, how much would
*you* pay for a Messiah Complex? Please round all fractions
or decimals up or down to the nearest integer."
----------------------------------------------------
From: Martin Christopher Kiff [mkiff@trumpet.aix.calpoly.edu]
What did the peace sign mean in the 60's..? Peace right.
What did the peace sign mean when Nixon flashed it..? Victory.
What did it mean in the days of the Romans....? ... 5 more beers.
----------------------------------------------------
From: jjsterre@acs.ucalgary.ca
From: The Economist, May 7-13 1994, p. 68:
"A survey of baptisms revealed some trange names chosen by parents.
One couplewanted their son baptized 'Beelzebub'.
The vicar refused."
----------------------------------------------------
From: Scott_Behan@ntc.com
In Newtown, Ct, where I grew up. There was a railroad bridge and the sign for
this bridge gave the height for it as 13' 10". The funny thing was that each
year they paved under that bridge and they never changed the sign so by now it
must be about 13' 2". Many an 18-wheeler got stuck under that bridge or lost
its trailer top like the removal of the lid of a sardine can. Sucks for them.
----------------------------------------------------
From: NAME [ECLEMENT@admin2.memphis.edu]
Loved your mis-heard songs. Here are a couple more. The first one *I*
misunderstood -- the Beatles "Strawberry Peels forever". The second one
I overheard a very young grandson softly singing "Every time you leave
you take a piece of meat...."
----------------------------------------------------
From: Matt Lewkowicz [MLEWKOWICZ%ADMIN@oa.ithaca.edu]
Which reminds *me* of an incident that happend to a friend of mine...I know
its true, because I was the passenger at the time.
He was giving me a ride home late one night (about 3:00 in the morning). We
came to a red light at "T" intersection, and Doug (that's his name) stopped,
then made a left. Sure enough the only other car on the road was an officer,
who turned on his lights and pulled us over.
Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Doug: "Yes, I do sir. I made a left turn during a red light."
Officer: "Do you have an excuse?"
Doug: "Stupidity?"
In what has to be one of the best proofs of honesty being the best policy,
all that Doug recieved was a verbal warning. Go figure.
----------------------------------------------------
From: watts@aic.lockheed.com (Robyn M. Watts)
From: The Early News (Lockheed Corporation)
MISSING NAVY TOWELS: The Navy is looking for a few good towels - and
bathrobes - that vanished from an aircraft carrier that hosted White
House aides during President Clinton's recent visit to Normandy. A
White House memo said 84 towels and robes were taken from the USS George
Washington. The items had a value of $562, and the memo asked staff
members to pay for any they might have taken.
----------------------------------------------------
From: Markus Kaessbohrer [kassbohr@whu-koblenz.de]
here are snippets I came across recently for your column...
"RAM DISK" is not an installation instruction!
"Market economies have all sorts of unfairness -
intelligent people for example make more money than stupid
people. Most people think this is 'fair' - but is being born stupid
any less luck than being born female?"
from sci.econ
----------------------------------------------------
From: "Rbscott" [Rbscott@aol.com]
How do you get ten Mormons in a Volkswagen:
Alt. 1:Ask a potential convert to be the driver.
Alt 2: : Tell em success will exempt them from a year's worth of home
teaching.
Alt 3: Throw in a nickle.
Alt 4: Six climb inside, John and the Three Nephites ride on the roof.
----------------------------------------------------
From: Darryl Hahn
Seen recently on a California license plate, who's owner must prefer OS/2 or Unix to Microsoft's Windows NT:
GVUP NT
Or GiVe UP windows NT.
----------------------------------------------------
From: Magellan@kenjo.demon.co.uk (Ken & Jo Walton)
A little boy goes into his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night. "Can I
have a glass of water, please?" Dad gets up and gives him a glass of water.
Five minutes later, just as he's getting back to sleep. "Can I have another
glass of water please?" Dad sighs, gets up, and gets him another glass of
water, then back into bed and pulls the covers over his head.
Another five minutes pass. Then a tugging at the covers. "Dad, dad, can I have
*another* glass of water, please?" Dad's patience snaps. "For crying out loud,
*why* do you want so many glasses of water?"
Little boy, in a small voice: "My bedroom's on fire."
----------------------------------------------------
From: jgm@fc.hp.com (John McBride--the brother of Jerod)
"A Boy is the only known substance from which a Man can be made."
--Ricard L. Evans
----------------------------------------------------
From: Steve Sears [sjs@sirius.osf.org]
"furthermore, the gap between theory and practice in practice is much larger
than the gap between theory and practice in theory"
----------------------------------------------------
]From duperval@IRO.UMontreal.CA
"I haven't crashed yet, but I have no idea where I'm going."
-Kim Campbell, while trying out a computer-simulated air-traffic
control tower... but you just have to wonder.
----------------------------------------------------
From: "Keith Stephens" [Keith_Stephens@taligent.com]
What's the proper name for this molecule?
Fe
Fe | Fe
\ | /
Fe -- Fe -- Fe
/ | \
Fe | Fe
Fe
A nine-iron.
----------------------------------------------------
From: MAD Mosher [I.R.Purdie@bradford.ac.uk]
I read a story in the paper which makes light reading. It's not
technically humour, but it's a nice little anecdote. I can't remember what
city this occured in, but I can check if you want.
A man was shot in his car in (this city) and contacted police on his
mobile phone. Thing is, he didn't know where he was. So the dispatcher got
all the patrol cars, one by one, to set their sirens off. Judging by their
relative locations and the sounds he got through the phone, they managed
to find the man and get him to hospital on time! Neat, eh?
----------------------------------------------------
From: Gerry Tsupros:StLouis:Xerox
Rep. John Boehner (R-OH) sent the following fax to all Republicans in the House after President Clinton ranted and raved on a radio talk show from Air Force 1. The segment aired on KMOX/AM from St. Louis during mid-June. Rep. Boehner put this list together with the aid of the Whistleblower, a Cincinnati-based publication.
----------
"Dear Republican colleague, during a radio interview Friday onboard Air Force One, President Clinton had one of his purple fits when questioned about recent occurrences in his administration. Who can blame him? With all he has on his mind, it's no wonder the President blew a fuse. Think about it.
"Imagine you were the President of the United States and your health care plan was on life support; the dollar was in a free-fall; your staff were stealing towels and taking helicopter joyrides; 87 members of Congress demanded the resignation of your top health official; all 44 GOP Senators demanded you disavow your party's intolerant remarks about Christian activists; that Harry and Louise were back on the air; the stock market was plummeting; interest rates were going up for the fifth time since January; inflation fears had economists worried; Supreme Court nominee Stephen Breyer's investments were under intense scrutiny.
"You put out the tin cup to pay for your various legal defenses; you're contemplating the invasion of a Caribbean superpower: Haiti; Korean policy was being dictated by Jimmy Carter; Paula Jones is getting play with the mainstream press; the first phase of Whitewater investigation is coming to a close with more to come; congressional hearings on Whitewater are coming this August; nobody's denied a single item in Bob Woodward's book; the NY Times accuses the White House of a Whitewater cover-up . . . again; voters don't know what you believe in or what you're committed to; you don't know what you believe in or what you're committed to.
"The decade of greed is finally defined in two words: cattle futures; your party hasn't won a single major election since you took office; nobody likes your welfare plan; members of your own party are running from you like scalded dogs; you're Leno's and Letterman's number one source for material; 65% of the American people say the country's on the wrong track; and character does matter, after all.
"So, if you were President, don't you think you'd have a purple fit, too?"
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
From: "Patrick Ryan" [p.ryan@uws.edu.au]
"Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
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