From cate3@netcom.com Tue Aug 1 14:59:30 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life E.G
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
---------------------------------------
Date: 21 Jul 94 16:26:07 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life E.G
The following are from a humor mailing list run by:
ckleinja@novell.com (Connie Kleinjans)
----------------------------------------------------
From: Sara Woodhull [swoodhul@us.oracle.com]
From: Doug McMahon [dmcmahon@us]
Some hilarious bits from today's WSJ (section B):
1. A Canadian has started a photo-editing serivce called "DivorceX".
Using the Photoshop program on a Mac, he removes the face of
your ex-spouse/lover/whatever from your favorite photos...
2. Police in Maryland are making the rounds of local high schools
teaching kids as part of a new campaign. No, it's not another
"just say no" anti-drug campaign -- instead, they're going
around giving kids tips on how to get arrested safely and
without violence...
--------------------------
From: elf@finchie.xs.com
Item Subject: Rita Rudner's "Guy Guide" Rita Rudner's 50 facts about men.
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first
few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my
husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich"
usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world
where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that
when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can
help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our
living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in
case they call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off
season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not
being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever
care about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn
in private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow,
instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have
jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a
combination address book, telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These
seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the
last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get
a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me
for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types:
depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in
winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that
snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man
walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here.
There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on
the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more
types of lettuce, he is serious.
27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a)
got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a
nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and
butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter
and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying
he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie
THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and
creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my
car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget...he
didn't lose your number...he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are
we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out
of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get
out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you
want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you...I want to marry
you...I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you
look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth:
"I do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for
a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because
their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button
and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men
to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros.
Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will
assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that
feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female
menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to
date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten
what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50. All men would still really like to own a train set.
--------------------------
"I pledge a lesson to the frog of the United States of
America. And to the wee puppet for witch's hands. One Asian,
in the vestibule, with little tea and just rice for all."
-- Bette Bao Lord, age 8. [Newsweek, 7/6.]
--------------------------
From: lesinger@aol.com
Found in the Tabloid News column of The San Jose Mercury News:
"Californians must shed 300 million pounds of flab"
"German earthquake expert Dr. Fritz Weller says many quakes are caused by the
pressure of an overweight society on weak places in the Earth's crust," the
World Weekly News reports...in its May 3 issue.
"People don't realize how much strain their extra weight is putting on those
fragile fault lines, Weller said. "In San Francisco and Los Angeles, which
are directly over major faults, the average person is 14.8 pounds overweight.
. . .
"My studies indicate that if each L.A. and San Francisco resident will lose
15 pounds by the end of the year, we can delay 'the big one' indefinitely."
--------------------------
From: david_mccord@INS.COM (David McCord)
Subject: Humor: From the slush pile...
True Facts publishes excerpts from unsolicited manuscripts sent to a
prominent editor of serious fiction who wishes, understandably, to remain
anonymous. These "Lines from the Slushpile" are the pick of the eighties.
-----
Slicing the steak in Rena's cozy kitchen, I considered taking another stab
at marriage.
-----
When Sue and Bob came home, they found their cook in the kitchen, shot to
death. "That does it!" Bob said, exasperated. "We're moving!"
-----
She was furious with her bank teller for eating up her lunch hour.
-----
Dora was pleased as punch to be chosen chairman of the refreshments committee.
-----
I knew I had a bestseller in me--all I had to do was plumb my depths and
out it would come, like some literary bowel movement.
-----
Dan wasn't much, Clara admitted, but at least he was an up-and-coming
lawyer or businessman.
-----
Clues don't kill people, the inspector thought. People kill people.
-----
Dale was not one to mince words and came directly to the point. "Hi," he said.
--------------------------
From: jeffs@sherpa.com
Q. How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write
WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
Q. - How many Microsoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs
burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to
make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
Q. - How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem,
and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this
number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a
technician becomes available, you will be contacted.
Q. - How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change
a light bulb?
A. - We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be
working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok.
Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things
wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?
Q. - How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a
faucet.
Q. - How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light
bulb?
A. - Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets
$2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
Q. - How many testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the
problems.
Q. - How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .
Q. - How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb
object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so
all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
Q. - How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a light
bulb?
A. - We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before
2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.
--------------------------
USS ENTERPRISE
(to the tune of American Pie)
by John Martz
A long, long time ago
I can still remember how that starship used to make me feel
And I knew if I had my way
That I could make those people stay
And maybe we'd be happy for a while
But Paramount filled me with woe
They cancelled my favorite Sci Fi show
Bad news on the Enterprise
Jean-Luc said his last "Energize"
I can't remember if I cried
When I read about their final ride
But something touched me deep inside
The day that Star Trek died
So,
CHORUS
Bye, bye U.S.S. Enterprise
Our Starship was a great ship, but it no longer flies
And that Starship crew was drinking synthetic rye
Singing "This will be the day that I die",
"This will be the day that I die."
Did you write the Prime Directive
And are your outer shields protective
Paramount wasn't groovy
At least you'll be back in the movie
Can sequels save your mortal soul
And why does warp now always seem so slow
Well, I know that you'll be back again
'Cause I saw you in a convention
You said you will be back
Paramount doesn't ever slack
I was a lonely trekker, with just enough
Had a communicator and alot of stuff
But I knew I breathed my last puff
On the day that Star Trek died
I started singing...
CHORUS
Now for sev'n years we've been on our own
Aliens proving we're not alone
But that's not how it used to be
Though we all know The Next Generation
Started with Q at Farpoint Station
And a voice that came from you and me
Oh, and while Picard was looking down
That Q, he chased our ship around
The courtroom was adjourned *
No verdict was returned *
And now Picard doesn't want to go
So Q comes back for the final show
And we yelled no no no no no
The day that Star Trek died
We were singing...
CHORUS
The seventh season is almost done now
Those last two hours won't seem so fun now
That one day is comin' fast
Picard flies through future and past
He's always the one who Q's harrassed
At least this time it will be his very last
Now the Enterprise was made for me
Picard and all his Earl grey Tea
We all sit down to look
Oh, at the last chapter of his book
'Cause those last two hours should be great
When Q wipes clean Jean-Luc's slate
Do you recall what was revealed
The day that Star Trek died
We started singing...
CHORUS
Oh, and there we were all in one place *
A generation lost in space *
But no time left to start again *
So come Picard be nimble, Jean-Luc be quick
The omnipotent Q, he makes you sick
'Cause trick'ry's the Continuum's only friend
Oh, and as I watched the final show
It was the only way to go
No angel born in hell
Could break that Q boy's spell
And as the ship flew deep into the night
To fly its final flight
I saw that Q laughing with delight
The day that Star Trek died
He was singing...
CHORUS
I met a girl who sang the blues
And I asked her for some happy news
But she just smiled and turned away
I went down to the Star Trek club
Where I'd watched the show n' eat my grub
But the leader said the show wouldn't play
And in the streets the children screamed
The Trekkies cried and the Trekkers dreamed
But not a word was spoken
The Translators all were broken
And the three men I admire most
Kirk, Picard and The Great Bird's ghost
They caught the wag'n train for the stars
The day that Star Trek died
And they were singing...
CHORUS
They was singing...
CHORUS
[ By the way, the starred lines are some of those which I didn't change
from the original and seem kind of coincidental. ]
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
From: "Patrick Ryan" [p.ryan@uws.edu.au]
"Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
Back to my Life Humor Page
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