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Subject: Life E.J
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Status: R
---------------------------------------
Date: 8 Aug 94 15:39:35 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life E.J
The following are from the humor list:
HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu (Or HUMOR@uga.bitnet)
To add yourself send to LISTSERV@UGA.bitnet the command
SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname, as the first line in the message
----------------------------------------------------
From: Tiffany Martin [tmartin@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU]
What do you call 11 Notre Dame fans in a basement?
A whine cellar
--------------------------
From: Sven Friberg [i2sven@SIIL.EDU.EE]
Lawyer said to his doctor friend: "My friends and acquaintances are
very thrifty: every time I go to a party they ask me for speciality
advice. I bet you have the same problem ?"
"No, not at all. If someone asks, I just tell him "Undress, please."".
After first act, audience started booing. Before the begining of
second act, producer came out and warned: "If you do that again, we'll
repeat the first act!"
Finns were felling wood, and in night they discovered, that two man
were missing. They searched and searched - nothing.
Next day, big crowd went to wood and they found those two man. They
stand and held up a tree that would have othervize fallen on them.
"Why did'nt you yell for help? "
"We could'nt, the border is near."
--------------------------
From: Ed Johnson [EJOHNSO3@UA1VM.BITNET]
Q: Why do so many Republicans like Bill Clinton?
A: Because he makes Nixon look so honest.
--------------------------
From: "Elroy Bos {elroy.bos@alg.vlk.wau.nl}" [Elroy.Bos@ALG.VLK.WAU.NL]
How does a Belgian catch a fly ?
He chases it into a pasture and then closes the gate.
--------------------------
From: [kcdhawk@KODAK.COM]
"If Bill Clinton is the answer....
Then it was a very stupid question!"
--------------------------
--------------------------
From: Frank White [WINTAL@UCC.UWINDSOR.CA]
This joke is about Native Americans; no offense intended, hope
none is taken.
Native American Indian legend has it that many years ago, before
the domination of the White Man, there existed a tribe that lived
in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains. And in this tribe, the
Chief had decided that the time had come for his only daughter,
the beautiful Wild Honey, to marry.
Now in this tribe, selection of a mate for the daughter of a chief
involved a kind of round-robin competition among the eligible braves
to determine who was the bravest, the strongest, the best hunter and
provider. From the preliminary rounds, two great contenders emerged --
the fast and powerful Running Water, and the bold and handsome
Falling Rocks.
The final event of the competition would decide the winner. Each
brave was given exactly seven days to prepare the traditional
BTFTLOOTGO -- "bridal tepee for the Little One of the Great One."
The winner would be the brave who built the better tepee and assembled
the more impressive collection of provisions.
Before heading their separate ways, each brave had an audience with
the Chief and the tribe's elders. Running Waters was the first to
address the Assembly: "I go now to valley of wild streams. I do
honor to great Chief." Then it was Falling Rocks turn: "I go now
to mountains in sky. I do honor to great Chief."
Although she could show no favorite, in her heart, Wild Honey wanted
Falling Rocks to win. Seven days later Running Waters returned,
pronouncing that he had prepared "One awesome BTFTLOOTGO." Wild Honey
waited anxiously for Falling Rocks return. She waited. And she waited.
The midnight deadline came and went -- no Falling Rocks. She begged
her father to extend the deadline, but he refused -- rules were rules,
he could show no favoritism. However he did arrange to have a search
party go out and look for the missing brave.
Well as it turned out, Falling Rocks did not return. Wild Honey
married Running Water. And every year thereafter, on the anniversary
of the event, braves went out in search of Falling Rocks. The story
became a great Native American legend. Why even to this very day,
if you happen to be driving through the Rockies, you can still see
the signs posted along the highways --
WATCH OUT FOR FALLING ROCKS.
--------------------------
From: Altar Ariel [altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL]
A man walks into a hardware store and says:
- Give me a mouse trap, but please hurry, I must catch a bus.
The salesman:
- I'm sorry, but I don't have one at the size of a bus.
--------------------------
From: Emile Artus [GRARTUS@ECUVM1.BITNET]
"There's a helluva distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has some
truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words."
--------------------------
From: Grady Lacy [glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU]
A sultan falls head over heels in love with a tourist's daughter.
"If you will give me your daughter's hand in marriage, I'll give you her
weight in diamonds!"
"Give me two days," the father replies.
"So you can think about it, I suppose," says the sultan.
"No, just so I can fatten her up a little.
--------------------------
From: Emile Artus [GRARTUS@ECUVM1.BITNET]
Q: Why is Hillary against sending U.S. troops to Bosnia or Haiti?
A: She's afraid Bill will run off to college again!
Q: Why did Clinton go to Russia?
A: He was homesick.
--------------------------
From: Tommy Hughes [HUE@USCN.BITNET]
A knavish attorney asking a very worthy gentleman, what Honesty
was? "What's that to you," said he, "meddle with those things
that concern you." (The New-Jersey and Pennsylvania Almanac for
1799)
--------------------------
From: Bill [BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU]
A hobo knocked on the kitchen door asking for some lunch. He had been
doing some odd jobs for the lady of the house that morning.
The lady comes to the door and looks out at the back yard. "And did you
notice that big pile of wood over there?"
"Yeah, I seen it," the hobo said wearily.
"Mind your grammar," snapped the lady, "You should say you saw it."
"Lady, you saw me see it, but you aint' seen me saw it."
--------------------------
From: JOHN STONE [JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH2.ARMY.MIL]
Seen on a bumper sticker:
****************
Let us pray for President Clinton: Psalm 109:8
****************
Psalm 109:8
O' Lord,
May his days be few,
and let another take his office.
- Psalm 109:8 (KJV)
--------------------------
From: Jim Harris [JHLAR@UKANVM.BITNET]
Subj: Silly definition [clean]
Dinnertime:
That period at which teenagers sit and continue to eat.
--------------------------
From: Emile Artus [GRARTUS@ECUVM1.BITNET]
Shirley MacLaine knew Bill Clinton in a past life. She met him in 1863 in
England, where he was attending Oxford University to avoid being drafted
into the American Civil War.
--------------------------
From: Clarity Hands [CLEAN@USCN.BITNET]
If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who
immediately quit their jobs.
I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two.
--------------------------
From: Paul Randolph [GEH01016@NIFTYSERVE.OR.JP]
Reading the bit about the lunatic with his lawn chair reminded me of
a similar episode. The rock group Pink Floyd had a 40-foot
inflatable pig made in a zeppelin factory in Germany for the
cover of their album "Animals". Well, after the pictures had been
taken, the pig was "accidentally" cut loose and it floated up into
the air space over Heathrow Airport. I believe it landed on a
farm and the interview with the bewildered farmer was funny but
I can't find it.
--------------------------
From: "Tom Ohlendorf" [D7AP002@TOA.TOWSON.EDU]
There was this couple that was going to be married. They were all ready to go.
The hall was booked; the church was booked; the date was set; etc. Then, quite
suddenly, the Lord calls them home.
Upon reaching heaven, the asked St. Peter if they could still proceed with the
wedding. After some thought, St. Peter replied, "Gee, I don't know. This is the
first time anyone has come to me with this one. I'll have to get back to you on
it."
Well, more than a year goes by and finally, St. Peter gets back to them. "Good
news folks, I've found a priest and we can proceed with your wedding. Are you
still interested?" Well, the lady was willing and able but the man was
beginning to have second thoughts. "Gee, I don't know now. Is divorce allowed
in heaven," he asked. St. Peter looked rather taken aback. "Now see here," St.
Peter said, "it took me over a year to find a priest up here in heaven. I'll
never find a lawyer!"
--------------------------
From: Raimund Hoevelmann [Hoevelmann@EM.UNI-FRANKFURT.D400.DE]
]From the German Army Hand-Book :
The soldier is allowed to begin swimming without a special
order of his seargant if the depth of the water he is marching
in is more than half a meter.
(And this is no joke !)
--------------------------
From: [JBOLOGNA@BENTLEY.EDU]
Subject: Humor: A friend-of-a-friend travels to Greece...
A friend was being relocated from San Francisco to Athens, Greece for a two
year assignment. The relocation policy allowed him to bring up to 10,000 pounds
of possessions in each direction. However to prevent abuse he was allowed to
bring back only 1.5 times as much as he brought. Since he only owned about
2,500 pounds he called the VP Personnel at the East Coast headquarters and with
a terrific noise in the background shouted:
Friend: "Do I have this right. I can bring 10,000 pounds back from Greece, but
only if I bring 6,667 pounds with me?"
VP: "That's right."
Friend: "Well, I'm here at the South San Francisco Scrap Iron Works, and they
have a sale on anvils. Should I buy a couple of tons and ship them to
Greece? Or will you waive the policy?"
The policy was waived. The VP gave my friend a hand written note saying "...
can bring back up to 10,000 pounds with the exceptions of overweight Greek
women, significant pieces of the Greek coastline, and anvils."
--------------------------
From: Joe Mole [JOEMOLE@USCN.BITNET]
You have your money and your friend,
You loan your money to your friend,
You ask your money from your friend,
You lose your money and your friend.
The famous author Anonymous wrote it.
--------------------------
From: Tommy Hughes [HUE@USCN.BITNET]
Scorates, when under sentence of death, was visited by a friend, who expressed
great grief for him, that he was condemned to die innocent. "What," said
Socrates, with a smile, "would you have me die guilty?" (An Almanack for 1798)
Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early American
Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press.
--------------------------
From: George Olson [GEO1@PSUADMIN.BITNET]
'N' is for Nietzsche who lived in his head,
and is very well known for one thing he said,
"What does not kill me must make me stronger."
I notice that he's not around any longer.
--------------------------
From: Tommy Hughes [HUE@USCN.BITNET]
Subj: Humor: origin of titles
DIPLOMAT
Greek for "folded twice." A diplomat dealt in matters so secret that the
documents required this special precaution.
--------------------------
From: TK Baltimore [tkbalt@EDISON.CS.NYU.EDU]
Things I love about New York, by TK Baltimore
1. A man in Long Island who was convicted of DWI six times has finally
been sentenced to hang a "Convicted DWI" sign on his car.
2. You can get sprinkler caps for water hydrants at your local police
precincts.
3. NYNEX called me at work the other day at 8:30am with a recording that
said to press one on your touchtone phone if you were satisfied with their
service. I pressed one and I was told they appreciated my feedback.
--------------------------
From: Lee Bradley [lbradley@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU]
Old man Alselme, who has a large farm in Poitou, received a letter from
the school teacher:
--Dear Sir, during an examination today, we noticed that your son
has a strong tendancy toward myopia. Please take care of it.
Old man Alselme take his finest pen and responds:
--You done right in notifying me. I done give him a good thrashing, and
he ain't gonna do it again!
--------------------------
From: Raimund Hoevelmann [Hoevelmann@EM.UNI-FRANKFURT.D400.DE]
It is not beyond any doubt that cigarettes are
the biggest cause of statistics.
--------------------------
From: Rowdy Welch [RWELCH@WTAMU-COMPUTER-CENTER.WTAMU.EDU]
In the small rural town I grew up in, my dentist of Scotish origin perfectly
fit the stereotype of the Scots. He was very thrifty. So tight, in fact,
that he made a deal with the local cement company that, every time they had
extra cement from a job, they could dump it in his driveway. Of course, he
always had a form made for them to dump it in. One of the four sides of the
form was absent, so that after the cement guys poured in their scraps, the
doctor would suitably size the form to fit the material provided.
His driveway is completed now. It has approximately 15-20 individual little
slabs, each about 3 feet by 5 feet. Every body who knows him thinks it is
pretty funny, as he is known to own large amounts of rich farmland, still
has a thriving dental practice, etc.
--------------------------
From: Pat Creech [P=CREECH%MAM%153AG@WYCYS.ANG.AF.MIL]
Once there were three 2nd Lieutenants at Boondock Air Force
Base, East Dakota. They were sitting in the "O" club one evening
discussing the hardest courses they took in college.
The first was an MIT graduate, He thought his hardest course
was advanced hydrodynamics.
The second was a graduate of Cal Poly and he felt his hardest
course was advanced Theory of Triginometry.
The first two Lieutenants asked the third what he felt was
HIS hardest course, to which the alumnus of Colorado State replied.
"Have you boys ever heard of Long Division ?"
--------------------------
From: Clarity Hands [CLEAN@USCN.BITNET]
If you're working in the U.S. health care system, you'll get this:
A managed care consultant dies and finds himself at heaven's gate.
He can't believe he is in heaven and is sure there has been a mistake.
He asks St. Peter to check the records.
St. Peter looks at his papers & says, "Yep, you're supposed to be
here."
The managed care consultant asks, "Are you sure? To heaven? Not
hell?"
"Yes," says St. Peter. "To heaven."
"Well," says the managed care consultant, "Better check the papers
again."
St. Peter rustles through his papers again, points, and says, "See, it
says right here -- you're scheduled for heaven. You're authorized for
three days".
--------------------------
From: Jim Harris [JHLAR@UKANVM.BITNET]
I'm beginning to believe that everyone where I work either creates, or copies
like I do, a bunch of posters! :) This one was seen at the Payroll office:
Everyone Brings Joy to This Office - - -
Some when they enter, and others when they leave.
--------------------------
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
From: "Patrick Ryan" [p.ryan@uws.edu.au]
"Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page