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Subject: Life E.K
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Status: R
---------------------------------------
Date: 9 Aug 94 17:40:21 PDT (Tuesday)
Subject: Life E.K
The following are selections from the GIGGLES Digest
To subscribe send a message to: LISTSERV@vtvm1.cc.vt.edu
with the body of text: "Sub GIGGLES [Your Name]"
----------------------------------------------------
From: Mark Comeau [mcomeau@MTL.PARAMAX.COM]
When Jane was just a child, I understand from her father that she
used to play "Wedding" with one of her friends. The friend would
be the priest and Jane would play the role of the bride. When her
friend would ask the question, "Will you, Jane, take this man in
sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer?", Jane would quickly
answer, "For RICHER!"
--------------------------
From: MARTIN SMITH [MPMS@MANADON-ENGINEERING-COLLEGE.AC.UK]
A news reporter stopped a man in the street and asked him what he thought of
John Major's leadership. "Well I'd welcome it!" he replied.
Q. What is the first command an Italian soldier must learn to obey?
A. COME BACK!
--------------------------
From: Mary Dawson [MEDAWS01@UKCC.UKY.EDU]
The potholes are so bad on our road that the county road crew put up
"No Fishing" signs.
A farmer hauled his cow in his truck and the road was so rough she
gave buttermilk for three days.
Did you hear about the guy who was so unlucky he couldn't win a free prize?
A man visiting New York City said the crime was so bad that the Statue
of Liberty had both hands up most of the time.
Visitor: "I've never seen so many flies. Don't you ever shoo them?"
Old Man: "No, we just let them go barefooted." (ha--MY favorite!)
Mike: It was so cold in Powell County last winter that when I went hunting I
had to take two 12-volt batteries to jump start a rabbit.
--------------------------
From: "Michael D. Meyer" [MDMEYER@CORPSB.REMNET.ROCKWELL.COM]
-Speaking of Arizona, did you hear why they fired the Arizona map maker?
He didn't have a sense of Yuma.
Doesn't that deserve a big desert laugh? Yucca, yucca, yucca.
---
EXPLANATION for international gigglers:
Yuma (humor) is a city in Arizona.
Yucca is a plant/tree that grows in the desert.
--------------------------
From: Roy Peters [petersr@HUACHUCA-EMH1.ARMY.MIL]
I got me a wooden whistle.
But it wouldn' whistle.
So, I got me a steel whistle.
But it still wouldn' whistle.
So, I got me a tin whistle.
So, now I tin whistle.
--------------------------
From: "Augustus W. Cheh" [augie@MAESTRO.COM]
Bill, Hillary and Benson are all in a boat sinking,
who gets saved?...
The American people!
--------------------------
From: Chris Brown Witt [wittchri@STUDENT.MSU.EDU]
Hear about the government study to find out why people die within six monthes
of their birthday?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Interupting Cow.
Interupting co...
Mooooooooooooo!
knock knoc.
Who's there?
Albert Einstein.
Albert Ei....
Mooooooooooooo!.. I lied, it's still Interupting Cow.
--------------------------
From: Chris Brown Witt [wittchri@STUDENT.MSU.EDU]
Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Ach.
Ach Who? (Achoo)
Bless You! Are you coming down with something?
you know the economy is bad when then mob has to cut back.
why just yesterday they laid off 2 judges and a police chief!
--------------------------
From: Wally Zajac [Wally_T._Zajac.LAX1B@XEROX.COM]
Kathleen Brown, democratic candidate for Govenor of California is at a campaign
rally. One of her campaign promises is to create a million new jobs in the state
which is not recovering from the recession as fast as the rest of the country.
Unemployed in the audience: "How are you going to create one million new jobs
for Califonians?"
Candidate Brown: "I'm going to have to start from square one, which is creating
a job for me!"
Taken from the Humor newspaper of Southern California.
--------------------------
From: Brad Pardee [bradp@UNLLIB.UNL.EDU]
Obligatory humor:
You remember the old poem, "Casey At The Bat"? Well, there was a couple
that inserted this poem into their wedding vows because they were getting
married for batter or for verse.
--------------------------
From: Robin Bray [LIJRP@TTACS.TTU.EDU]
In the south of France lives a group of very small people called Basques.
They are very short and rather unkempt but people none the less. One
group of concerned citizens from Paris decided that these Basques should
be brought into Paris some evening for dinner and a play. Dinner went well
and at the play the Basques sat very quietly during the first act but at
intermission they were overheard to say that whereas the play sounded very
nice, they were unable to see anything. Their escourts reported this to the
management and arrangements were made to seat the Basques in the aisles so
that they could see the stage. During the second act, a fire broke out and
in the rush to get out of the theatre, the Basques were all trampled to death.
The moral of this story is : Don't put all your Basques in one exit. -Robin
--------------------------
Bitnet: PHADLER@ECUVM1 Internet: PHADLER@ECUVM.CIS.ECU.EDU
I wanted to name our new Hunter 33.5, which has a well designed stern,
"Callipygian" but ,alas, I was voted down 1 to 1. My wife gave for her
reason the fact that we had frequently heard the Coast Guard become
confused by the name of a boat calling for help. The worst was "May Day
May Day, this is the sailing vessel 'Petrel'(a sea bird) I am located at
... and I am sinking". "This is the Coast Guard what is the name of your
vessel". Petrel:"Petrel". CG: "Petrol,Petrol? Are you saying that you
are out of Gas" Also overheard : Vessel calling in distress ( on the
radio),"I need help immediately". Coast Guard "Vessel in distress this
is the Coast Guard do you have a radio?" And at another time: "This is
the So&So and we are hard aground". CG "What is your draft?" . S&S " 4
feet". CG "How deep is the water?" Finally, I was crew on a boat
leaving East for Bermuda from Beaufort NC when we reported this to the
Coast Guard, They responded "Are you taking the Intercoastal Waterway ?"
(which runs North-South). I still think Callipygian would have been a
great name.
--------------------------
From: Rick Miessau [rick.miessau@SFWMD.GOV]
driver gets a speeding ticket.
cop says "here's your ticket and watch your speed"
driver says "thank you officer"
Don't tell me you told him to shove it like you really
would have liked to. Don't lie, I know you thanked him...
Any other contry than the U.S. and you'ld probably empty
you wallet for him as well, maybe that's why we thank them?
--------------------------
From: "Quist, Oren Phys" [QuistO@MG.SDSTATE.EDU]
One of General Custer's scouts runs up to him and the following conversation
takes place.
Scout: "I've got some good news and some bad news!"
Custer: "Give me the bad news first, then the good news."
Scout: "We're surrounded by Indians, they are going to massacre us
and we're all going to die!"
Custer: "Oh my! -- with news like that, what could possible by the
good news?"
Scout: "We won't have to pass through Iowa again !"
--------------------------
From: Steve Stahl [sstahl@MOE.COE.UGA.EDU]
Subject: BRAIN TEASER
Q#1
A wealthy old man was about to die so he called his two sons in to
tell them their inheritance. He said "After I die you will each be given a
camel and supplies for two days of travel, you will be taken out in the
desert 5 miles from my estate. The *LAST* man's camel to get to the gate of
my estate will inherit all my wealth."
The man died two days later and two days after the funeral the sons
were taken out to the desert to "race".
How do they do it fairly??????
They switch camels
--------------------------
From: Shelia Morgan [sfmorgan@COMP.UARK.EDU]
The other day I had stopped at the local gas station and was getting some
gas, I looked over at a lady filling up her car and she had back washed
onto her arms and legs. She went into the station and told the attendant
what she had done. He asked her if she would like to wash off in the
restroom and she declined, she was going home anyway and would wash off
there. Well we both paid for our gas and left. We were going the same
way. I pulled out behind her and stayed there for awhile. I noticed she
had lit a cigarette and her arm caught on fire. She was holding it out
of the window trying to get the fire out when a police man pulled her
over. He ended up giving her a ticket: for illegal use of a firearm.
--------------------------
From: Patrick Crispen [PCRISPE1@UA1VM.BITNET]
6. Grant McSwine is a repairman. If he tells Mr. White that it will take him
about 10 hours to do a specific job, how long will it really take him?
a. six weeks b. half an hour c. about three hundred dollars longer
d. not enough information because the type of rtepair is not indicated
--------------------------
From: Larry Ries [C459006@MIZZOU1.BITNET]
A professor was grading the essay finals he had just given his
class and opened the exam book of a failing student to reveal blank
pages and a $100 bill. The only thing written in the book was
"$100 = 100% -- I get an A."
A month later the student approached the professor. "I don't
understand," he said. "I failed the course. Didn't you read my
final?"
The professor handed the student the exam book. The student
opened it to reveal $50 and the phrase "$50 = 50% -- You fail!"
--------------------------
From: John F Habkirk [John_F_Habkirk%notes@SB.COM]
There were these two Nuns driving through Transylvania on their holidays when
suddenly out of the bushes jumps Count Dracula! He lands on the bonnet(hood) of
their car and starts snarling through the windscreen at them. Sister Agnes
turns to Sister Mary and says "Quick, Sister Mary, show him your cross, show
him your cross!" So Sister Mary leans out of her window and shouts " Get off my
car you long toothed bastard!!!"
--------------------------
From: John F Habkirk [John_F_Habkirk%notes@SB.COM]
What is the difference between a computer programmer and God??
God doesn't think he's a computer programmer!
--------------------------
From: Frank Shaklee [fshaklee@BE1386.BE.FORD.COM]
Q: When will OJ's lawyers finally say, "The defense rests." ?
A: When OJ runs out of money.
--------------------------
From: Allan McKellar [gbibm5v7@IBMMAIL.COM]
They strike in the dead of the night. They move speedily and silently.
Detectives admit they are STUMPed.
Reports yesterday in various UK newspapers about hedges/hedging being stolen
from gardens overnight, at least 3 recent cases.
Garden hedges being uprooted from gardens during the night and not being
noticed as missing until the morning.
Dogs in affected houses have not reacted, alarm/security lights have
not come on.
A police spokesman said, to groans all round, that there were no plans
to call in Special BRANCH.
From: John Dovey [pjcd@MATIES.SUN.AC.ZA]
- On a fairly short internal flight, I noticed that the passenger next to me,
an older woman, seemed uneasy. 'Havn't flown before?' I said.
'Is it that obvious?' she asked.
'Well', I replied, 'I could've sworn I noticed you praying.'
'You did see me praying,' she answered. 'When I was much younger I used
to beg God to let me meet John Wayne. This afternoon I'm retracting.'
--------------------------
From: Richard Holtzman [HOLTZMAN@OSHKOSHW.BITNET]
In 1860 newly elected President Abraham Lincoln set about his cabinet
appointments. Inquiring about a notoriously dishonest senator, Lincoln
exclaimed, "You do not mean he would steal?"
Senator Thaddeus Stevens replied, "Well, I think he would not steal a red
hot stove."
The other senator got wind of this and demanded a public apology.
Senator Stevens was only too happy to accommodate: "All right, I do *not*
think he would not steal a red hot stove!"
--------------------------
From: Frank Shaklee [fshaklee@BE1386.BE.FORD.COM]
Young lawyer on OJ's defense team: Mr. Shapiro! I have just discovered
absolute proof that OJ didn't do it!
Mr. Shapiro: Keep it to yourself, son. OJ still has $10 million left
in his defense fund.
A few days later:
Another young lawyer on OJ's defense team: Mr. Shapiro! I have just
discovered absolute proof that OJ is guilty!
Mr. Shapiro: Keep it to yourself, son. OJ still has $9 million left
in his defense fund.
--------------------------
From: Michelle Lamacchia [LAMACCHIA@JEFLIN.TJU.EDU]
I once saw a license plate on a Mercedes that said:
WAS HIS
--------------------------
From: Yigal Dayan [yigal@TOVNA.CO.IL]
] There are three lightbulbs on the top floor, activated by three switches
] in the basement - each switch activates one bulb.
] You have to find which switch activates which bulb, by making just ONE
] trip to the basement and back. You can't see any light from the basement.
] Hint: involves a trick, use your senses.
Yes folks, you got it right:
One bulb is tagged by emmiting light (turn switch on)
Another is tagged by emitting warmth (turn switch on for a minute, then off)
The last one is cold.
--------------------------
From: Chris Brown Witt [wittchri@STUDENT.MSU.EDU]
With all the sexual harasment lawsuits, AT&T has changed their slogan to
"Reach out, but for god's sake, don't touch anyone"
--------------------------
From: Chris Brown Witt [wittchri@STUDENT.MSU.EDU]
OK, you know that in Hollywood, every producer has his "Yes Man" whose
job is to follow the producer aroundand say, "Yes, CB", "Right, CB" and
so on. Well, one of these Yes Men got depressed, so down in fact that
he was unable to function. So he consulted a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist
quickly determined the problem, and told the Yes Man that he just had to
find a release for his negative feelings, and say "No." "But if I said
'no' I'll get fired!" The yes man protested. The psychiatrist said, "Oh,
I don't mean on the job, I mean go out to the Grand Canyon and find a
ledge off the trail, and there you can yell "NO!" to your hearts content
and no one will be the wiser." Well, the Yes Man decided to try it.
He went to the Grand Canyon and found a spot off the trail, and stood there
and very timidly said, "no." It felt good, so he tried it a little louder,
"No." Even better! soon he was shouting "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!" AT the
top of his lungs and feeling great. He went back to work a changed man,
and said "Yes!" with all the proper enthusiam, because on the weekend he
could escape to the Grand Canyon and say "NO!"
Other Yes men decided to try this also, and soon every weekend the Grand
Canyon was crammed with Yes Men shouting "NO!" A new Yes Man came to
Hollywood, and he too felt the need of such a release, but when he tried
to find a ledge in the Grand Canyon, all of them seemed to be taken. He
hunted and hunted, but everyplace he found was already taken by another
Yes Man. Finally he found a small ledge which had been overlooked because
of its size. Thankfully he scurried out on it and stood there and said
"No." It felt great! So he wound up and released an enormous "NO!" and
in so doing lost his balance and fell to his death. Which just goes to
prove that a little No Ledge can be a dangerous thing.
--------------------------
From: [KDC9622@ACS.TAMU.EDU]
I received this from a friend of mine...she being a little perturbed about
men at the moment. Being a sensitive guy myself, I can laugh at the
following. So, please note...I am a MAN, posting this. I found it quite
funny.
And, incidentally, I stopped and asked for directions last
night...wow...what a way to impress a girl!
**While we are on the subject, when you are lost OUTSIDE the home, stop
and ask for directions then, too.
**Try not to confuse the woman of your life with your mother, your
ex-girlfriend, or Charles Barkley.
**Provide high level of services. This includes, but not limited to,
dealing with all dead things from steak and garbage to vermin.
**Living vermin are your department too.
**Buy gifts that suggest that you have at least some rudimentary
knowledge of the recipient's identity.
**If you value your life, never, ever make the following remark to a
woman - not even your best friend: "I'm not in that much of a hurry.
I guess I'm lucky I don't have a biological clock to worry about."
**Now that you have mastered the art of putting the toilet seat down, its
time to start cleaning those little facial hairs out of the sink.
**Get some friends. You need somebody to pour your troubles out to
besides your wife or girlfriend. Conversations centered around ball sports
don't count. And in case you were wondering a close friend is someone
you talk to more than twice a year.
**Learn how to tell time. Women don't enjoy hanging out on street corners.
--------------------------
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet
From: "Patrick Ryan" [p.ryan@uws.edu.au]
"Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page