Return-Path: [cate3@netcom.com] Received: from netcom8.netcom.com by chamber.cco.caltech.edu with ESMTP (8.6.12/DEI:4.41) id KAA29632; Thu, 17 Aug 1995 10:07:04 -0700 From: cate3@netcom.com Received: by netcom8.netcom.com (8.6.12/Netcom) id JAA07520; Thu, 17 Aug 1995 09:21:42 -0700 Date: Thu, 17 Aug 1995 09:21:42 -0700 Message-Id: [199508171621.JAA07520@netcom8.netcom.com] Subject: Life E.L To: jwry.dli@netcom.com Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com Status: R --------------------------------------- Date: 10 Aug 94 11:06:40 PDT (Wednesday) Subject: Life E.L ]From Spaf's Yucks Digests: spaf@cs.purdue.edu (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford) ---------------------------------------------------- From: Paul Thublin [paul@sware.com] Heard on a talk radio program last night about Georgia writers: The question was posed to a supporter of keeping the old Georgia state flag (it's the Confederate Battle Flag, for any ignorant bluecoats up there, and we recently considered changing it because it was thought to be racially discriminatory): "So why did the South need a Civil War battle flag anyway? The North didn't have one." "Well, you see, that's because the South is a place, and the North is just a direction out of the South." -------------------------- From: borton@wiretap.spies.com (Chris Borton) [These were written with Mac programmers in mind, but can be applied elsewhere too...] ##From develop 17: Craig Prouse, in response to Dave Johnson's question, "What's so interesting about programming computers, anyway?": "The reason I program is because I'm a compulsive problem solver, and my computer is a never-ending source of problems." ## You have been chosen to participate in a process that will allow you to finally finish that dream project you have always wanted to work on. Below is a list of seven projects currently under development. Write 10 lines of code for the project at the top of the list. Send it to the email address listed. Remove the top name from the list and add in you project as item seven. Forward this new message to ten of your programming buddies. In a few weeks you will receive ten million lines of code written for your project. This is not a chain letter! This is a multi-level program development system. Please to not disrupt the development effort. Ten lines of code should be pretty easy for and experienced programer like yourself. Take a bit of time and be part of some really big software. If you participate your project will soon be complete. 1 Windows NT C++ Bill@microsoft.com 2 WP60/win 8088 Assembler Janitor@Wordperfect.com 3 Cairo Visual Basic Mrs.Gates@microsoft.com 4 HubbleControl Forth Committee@NASA.gov 5 MarsObserver 8088 Assembler NutherCommittee@lostinspace 6 96Voteware Cobol Hilary@whitehouse.gov 7 TraficControl Fortran Joe@redlight.com -------------------------- From: normanc523@aol.com FORT WORTH, Tex. (AP) -- A petroleum engineer has his eyes on five miles of dark, damp tunnels, where scientists had once contemplated smashing atoms. But Naresh Vashisht doesn't want it for science. He wants to harvest white button mushrooms. Vashisht, president of a Texas firm that owns a Colorado mushroom farm, says the underground remnants of the uncompleted Superconducting Super Collider south of Dallas are prime turf for fungus, if not for physics. The five-mile stretch of tunnel is 200 feet underground and sealed with concrete. The Energy Department is considering abandoning the tunnels and letting them fill with water. "I think that is probably a waste of resources," Vashisht said, "if something can be done economically like I'm thinking can be done." -------------------------- From: Michael Cook [mlc@iberia.cca.cr.rockwell.com] I was in a department store this week getting ready to check-out. I saw a check-out lane with the sign: "No candy in this lane" which is to allow parents with children to avoid some last minute "I want that" problems. But what did I see? All those weekly magazines/tabloids with headlines shouting about John Candy! -------------------------- From: knauer@ibeam.intel.com (Rob Knauerhase) ]From the "Private Eye Weekly" (3/23/94), a Salt Lake City alternative paper (not my usual reading fare, but I was dining alone and was bored): Commuter vehicle To dramatize traffic congestion in Lisbon, Portugal's Socialist Party organized a race between a burro and a Ferrari 348 TS coupe on a 1.6-mile course along a crowded road from suburban Odivelas to one of the main entrances of the capital. The burro beat the Ferrari by four minutes. Being in Oregon (but not _of_ Oregon) with its quaint local driving habits, I can sympathize with the poor guy in the Ferrari. [Not only that, but if you *really* get stuck in a terrible traffic jam, you can't kill the Ferrari and eat it to survive... --spaf] -------------------------- From: ck0949@csc.albany.edu (KIELY CHRISTIAN E) Subj: how stupid do they think we are??? upon lookin on the back of my Merriam-Webster Thesaurus i noticed this little tidbit: -Its alphabetical arrangement eliminates the need for complicated indexing, making word-finding fast and easy is there any other way to possible organize a thesaurus??? [Sure. For instance, alphabetize the letters in the word, then list those in sorted order. You would find the word alphabetical listed under aaabcehillpt. Soundex coding might be a way, too. Or by frequency of use in written or spoken English based on some sample (so "flame" would be found before "etiquette", rather as on the Usenet). Anybody got something sillier than these? --spaf] -------------------------- From: jlpicard@bga.com (Craig Becker) Subj: John Johnson for Mayor Newsgroups: austin.general Did anyone else, this fine Easter Sunday morning, manage to catch the misc and sundry mayoral candidates on Austin Access Cable? I wish I'd taped it, as it featured one of those great unsung moments in television history, namely, mayoral candidate John Johnson, who informed us that yes, he was an ex-con, but the media has done him wrong and that people should contact the DA in New Jersey, who will inform them that he was _not_ a hit-man, merely a wheel-man, and that he participated in five hits (not four, as apparently the media has reported), and that the only man he ever killed was so-and-so, who raped the wife of a friend who was in prison. He went on to say that despite the rumors, he does _not_ have AIDS, he has done his time in prison, undergone a metamorphosis, and that law-and-order is high on his agenda. Only in Austin... -------------------------- From: normanc523@aol.com The story in Yucks, V4 #11, about candy in check-out lines reminded me of the time I was visiting in Cheyenne, Wyoming, and stopped in a local variety store. In addition to the usual candy and gum at the check-out line, they had stocked boxes of shotgun shells. I can just hear those little cowtykes now, "Mommy, mommy, can I please have some bullets?" "Not now, you haven't shot the ones I bought for you last week!" -------------------------- From: schuba (Christoph Schuba) got it from a friend in Germany: "Who's on stage?" "Yes" "Yes is on stage?" "No, Yes isn't at this concert, Who's on stage!" "Who?" "Yes!" "Yes is the name of the group on stage?" "No, silly, Yes isn't here, Who's on stage." "Look, what's their name?" "Who!" "The band, the band on stage!" "No, The Band's coming on later, Who's on stage!" "I'm asking you!" -------------------------- From: normanc523@aol.com ]From the "Emergency Procedures Guidelines" publication at Chaffey College in Rancho Cucamonga, California: EMERGENCY PROCEDURE FOR WIND Identification of Wind 1. Perception of strong winds. 2. Horizontal movement of large objects, large quantities of sand, or non-walking persons. 3. Inability of small persons to remain erect. 4. Breaking of windows or doors. -------------------------- From: zac@tractor.austin.ibm.com (Zac Corbiere) Newsgroups: austin.general Hello everyone, My news feed seems not to be working too well, so I'm not sure this will even make it outside IBM. However, I am definitely not receiving any new articles and haven't been for about 2 1/2 days. With this in mind, would everyone please stop posting to Usenet until this is fixed? I don't want to miss anything. Also, please be so kind as to prepare archives of anything you have posted in the last 2 1/2 days. I will notify you when my news feed is fixed and, at that time, you can repost your articles. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter. -------------------------- From: rog@cdc.hp.com (Roger Haaheim) Newsgroups: sci.med,sci.psychology Is schizophrenia declining? Part of me says yes and part of me says no... -------------------------- From: "Scott A. McIntyre" [scott@shrug.org] A british man, whose name escapes me, was recently convicted of murder -- but an appeal is imminent. The grounds? Apparently four of the jury members used a Ouija board to contact the victim, who allegedly informed them that the defendant did indeed do the dirty deed. If the appeal is quashed, we may be able to solve quite a few outstanding murders.... -------------------------- From: sub@expert.cc.purdue.edu (Nathan Strange) Subject: Back Home in Indiana Newsgroups: purdue.cc.general ] By a large margin, more serial killers are from Indiana than any other ] state in the United States (The serial killer world leader) ] ] There's a long list of Hoosier Hommicidal Maniacs... ] Ted bundy, Charles Manson, The Interstate Killer (This guy's brother ] is a teacher at Barr Reeve high school in Montgomery, IN) ] ] Anyway I would like to propose a contest.... ] ] No, it's not who can kill the most people apparently randomly, but with ] one tell-tale commonality... ] ] The contest is who can think up the best new Hoosier license plate slogan.... ] ] Here's a few of my ideas... ] ] "The Axe Murderer State" ] "You don't have to be crazy to live here... but it helps" ] "Wander Indiana - I DARE YOU" ] "Hoosier Hospitality -Not What It Seems" ] "There's something in the corn..." ] "Amber Waves of Pain" ] "Don't Ask What's in the Chili" ] "Land of Manson" ] "The Prosac State" ] ] There is no prize, only Glory... -------------------------- From: cromwell@ecn.purdue.edu (Bob Cromwell) Recently heard an ad on an Indy radio station for some indoor dirt-bike event (one of those where the announcer sounds like Darth Vadar on amphetamines). Promised an event so extreme that it would "rearrange your DNA!!!!" Not exactly what I would view as a feature, unless they could somehow guarantee beneficial mutations. [Considering some of the people who view dirt-bike events and tractor-pulls as the highlights of their social lives, I would suspect that almost any rearrangement might prove beneficial. --spaf] -------------------------- From: reid@iss.nus.sg (Thomas Reid) Newsgroups: comp.edu cdash@cs.colorado.edu (charlie shan) wrote: : shan@calvin.fnal.gov (Jianping Shan) writes: : =] I like to know the ranking of computer science gradute program : =] especially the top 10. Could any of you post it or tell me where to find it? : ^^^^^^^ : This keeps coming up, perhaps an answer ought to go in the FAQ : The University of Wyoming, at 7200 feet above sea level, appears to be : one of the top programs, if not the highest. New Mexico Highlands : University, by its very name is also way up there. : -- [I guess this leaves little hope for those of us at sea-level.] -------------------------- From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub) thanks for printing my comeback in yucks. When I saw it, I wanted to pass on the comment from Frank Young at Rose-Hulman that he, his secretary, and several of his faculty all were taller than 6 feet and that, he felt, qualified them as another "top" program. I also received a clueless post from somebody who thought i was serious about wyoming having a "high quality" program and who couldn't understand why they weren't represented in journals. -------------------------- From: "Michael Cook, 124-211, x2792" [mlc@iberia.cca.cr.rockwell.com] ]From Info-Mac Digest V12 #6: ---------- File: JetFrog 3.0.4.sit (176811 bytes) DL time (9600 baud): [ 4 minutes Download count: 284 Uploaded on: America Online AUTHOR: Dan Green (MPG6) EQUIPMENT: Any Mac (color recommended) NEEDS: A person LIBRARY: New/Arcade/MGM KEYWORDS: JET FROG TONGUE FLIES Cool game where you are a frog in search of flies. The addition of a jet pack gives you an edge over the flies. Four awesome levels! New version 3.0.4 that fixes major bugs in JetFrog 3.0.2 c. ---------- (What could those "major bugs" be? Frogs, watch out! -- MLC) [The image of a frog with a jetback is mind-boggling. --spaf] -------------------------- From: Patrick Tufts [zippy@cs.brandeis.edu] From: solarcar@zeta.coe.neu.edu (Randell Drane (Prof. Kowalski)) Newsgroups: rec.skiing Subject: Re: Problems getting of lifts (with a snowboard) Date: 17 Jan 1994 22:31:25 GMT In article [2heojj$4ib@cmcl2.NYU.EDU] prokoshn@acf2.nyu.edu (Andrew) writes: [....] emaul me if you would like to continue the discussion... [I wonder if "emaul" requires a Brinkman? --spaf] -------------------------- From: thompsn@CC.UManitoba.CA Taken without permission from the local paper, (_The Winnipeg Free Press_) dated Jan 18/94: _TUNES GET A TAD PRICKLY WHEN PLAYING A CACTUS_ You've probably always considered the cactus a fairly quiet plant. Think again. "Apparently, when you put a contact mike on a cactus you get some really excellent sounds," says Winnipeg vocalist Therese Costes. The motive for planting a mike on the cactus in the first place is GroundSwell's latest concert, which is being curated by Costes. [....] One of the evening's pieces [...] involves an amplified cactus. [....] For the plant-life portion of the program, a microphone will be hooked up to the cactus. The plant will then be "played" by percussionist Savador Ferreras. "Apparently, the distance between the spines is crucial," Costes explains. "You're supposed to get some really interesting sounds." We all know Spaf's favorite saying... "Some people have entirely too much free time on their hands." (*sigh*) -------------------------- From: naragget@orion.oac.uci.edu (Ned Raggett) Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k Anne P. Mitchell Esq. (shedevil@vix.com) wrote: ]: We were watching the rerun of The Unearthly last night, and I almost ]: howled with laughter when I heard Crow jest, during a scene where the ]: evil doctor was doing surgery on a victim "we should install a SCSCI ]: port while we're in here"! ] ]: Are there other instances of such humour that only a real geek would ]: get? [and WHO is the real geek writer on the show?] One of the better ones along those lines occured in "Master Ninja II"; an FBI agent rushes over to a phone and picks it up, at which point Tom chimes in with "Microsoft Services, could you please hold for an hour?" When I showed the film to my roommate, he absolutely died at that line; I had to stop the film! Turns out he had had to call Microsoft at some point concerning some of his software and had gotten just about that level of treatment! Ah well. -- Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com] The Life collection maintainer, selections of humor from the internet From: "Patrick Ryan" [p.ryan@uws.edu.au] "Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
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