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Date: Thu, 24 Aug 1995 07:52:18 -0700
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Subject: Life E.N
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Status: R
---------------------------------------
Date: 10 Aug 94 13:57:55 PDT (Wednesday)
Subject: Life E.N
The following are selections from the "Quote of the Day" mailing list
To get on send your request to: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca
Quotes can be submitted to: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
----------------------------------------------------
"The ClipSave package is WhateverWare. If you like it, send me a postcard or
some money, or donate to your favorite charity, or bake some brownies, or call
your grandmother, or whatever."
-- Russ Nelson, in documentation accompanying "ClipSave" software
Submitted by: Alan J Rosenthal [flaps@dgp.toronto.edu]
--------------------------
From the 20 February 1994 Parade Magazine:
THE ANTIDOTE FOR COMMUNIST NOSTALGIA
In the former East Germany, where surveys show that only 1% of the people
feel confident about the future, hard times have triggered a yearning for the
"good old days" under communism. This nostalgia, called Ostalgie by
residents, has hit those aged 16 to 26 especially hard. They are turning out
in droves for disco theme nights, where they wear old German Youth Party
uniforms. And there are concerts where fans drive old Trabi cars, eat
goose-fat sandiches, drink Goldbrand brandy and try to recreate their old
Marxist songfests.
Also in the works is a theme park north of Berlin that will remind
visitors of the dreary side of communism: scratchy toilet paper, lousy
service, shops with no merchandise and biweekly military parades. Visitors
can even be "arrested," jailed and interrogated by men dressed as members of
the secret police.
Submitted by: todds0010d@aol.com (Todd Sleeman)
--------------------------
On a Ph. D. oral, he asked the candidate about the convergence
properties of certain hypergeometric series. "I don't remember,"
said the student, "but I can always look it up if I need it."
[The professor] was not pleased. "That doesn't seem to be true,"
he said, "because you sure need it now."
from Paul Halmos' autobiography
Submitted by: "Chris Kent Kantarjiev" [cak@parc.xerox.com]
--------------------------
"The architecture of the 80xxx series of microprocessors is clear evidence
that INTEL isn't doing in-house drug testing."
- Paul Flaherty
Submitted by: "Chris Kent Kantarjiev" [cak@parc.xerox.com]
--------------------------
The best thing for being sad," replied Merlyn, beginning to puff and
blow, "is to learn something. That is the only thing that never fails.
You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only
love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or
know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. Ther eis only
one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what
wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never
alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream
of regretting. Learning is the thing for you. Look at what a lot of
things there are to learn -- pure science, the only purity there is.
You can learn astronomy in a lifetime, natural history in three,
literature in six. And then, after you have exhausted a milliard
lifetimes in biology and medicine and theocriticism and geography and
history and economics -- why, you can start to make a cartwheel out of
the appropriate wood, or spend fifty years learning to begin to learn
to beat your adversary at fencing. After that you can start again on
mathematics, until it is time to learn to plough.
-- T. H. White
Submitted by: "Chris Kent Kantarjiev" [cak@parc.xerox.com]
--------------------------
It's been said that Congress would exempt itself from
the law of gravity if it could get away with it.
- Representative Harris Fawell, R-Ill
on releasing a study detailing the ways Congress has exempted
itself from laws governing job discrimination, employee
rights, and workplace safety.
Submitted by: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
--------------------------
"Intelligence is the ability to perceive patterns.
Genius is the ability to perceive patterns where the bulk of mankind cannnot.
Scholarship is the ability to perceive patterns where there aren't any."
- Michael J. Moran
Director of Mechanical Technology
Kolmar Laboratories, Inc. - New York
Submitted by: "Darin S. Lory" [p00403@psilink.com]
--------------------------
"I'm not sure I can take your advice. You are dealing with English
Gentlemen. We are dealing with monsters."
- Martin Buber, German Jewish Philosopher, in response to Mahatma
Gandhi's suggestion that passive resistance be used to combat the
Nazi government in Germany, as was used against the British in India.
Submitted by: Carl Sharon [ACARL@yalevm.ycc.yale.edu]
--------------------------
"All my life I've wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should've been
more specific."
- Jane Wagner
Submitted by: Dave Hendrickson [hendrick@hpanlv.an.hp.com]
--------------------------
"There have never in history been so many opportunities to do so many
things that aren't worth doing."
- U.S. novelist William Gaddis
"That line underscores an important distinction - that of failing at that
which is worth doing, as opposed to succeeding at something which is not.
Given that distinction, there is nothing more demoralizing than to fail at
something that you knew wasn't worth doing in the first place."
- William Gaddis, commenting on his above quotation
Submitted by: rotaylor@nsf.gov (Roger Taylor)
--------------------------
"To do something well is so worthwhile that to die trying to do it
better cannot be foolhardy. It would be a waste of life to do nothing
with one's ability, for I feel that life is measured in achievements,
not in years alone."
-- Bruce McLaren, 1937-1970
Submitted by: "Chris Kent Kantarjiev" [cak@parc.xerox.com]
--------------------------
"We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children?
Well, she and I were."
- Mort Sahl
Submitted by: Dave Hendrickson [hendrick@hpanlv.an.hp.com]
--------------------------
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for
support rather than illumination"
Andrew Lang (From Jain's performance text)
Submitted by: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
--------------------------
From the television show "Frasier," a dialogue between Frasier and Niles,
brothers and fellow psychiatrists:
Frasier: I hate lawyers.
Niles: I do too, but they make wonderful patients. They have excellent
health insurance and they never get better.
Submitted by: Dean Woodbeck [dlwoodbe@mtu.edu]
--------------------------
"Those that give up their freedom in the name of security deserve neither."
-- Benjamin Franklin
Submitted by: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
--------------------------
We have forgotten the gracious hand which preserved us in peace, and
multiplied and enriched and strengthened us; and we have vainly imagined,
in the deceitfulness of our hearts, that all these blessings were produced
by some superior wisdom and virtue of our own. Intoxicated with unbroken
success, we have become too self-sufficient to feel the necessity of
redeeming and preserving grace, too proud to pray to the God that made us!
It behooves us, then to humble ourselves before the offended Power, to
confess our national sins, and to pray for clemency and forgiveness.
-- Abraham Lincoln's Proclamation for a National Day of Fasting,
Humiliation and Prayer, April 30, 1863
Submitted by: Chris Taylor [taylor@ecn.purdue.edu]
--------------------------
As I was installing Windows 3.1 on my computer at work, I noticed the
following instructions on the package containing the diskettes:
"Carefully read the License Agreement inside before opening this
pack!
"The program on the enclosed disk(s) is licensed to the user. By
opening this packet you indicate your acceptance of the License
Agreement. "
Anyone have any advice as to how I might follow these instructions?
Submitted by: Michelle Baudais [michelle@pilot]
--------------------------
Opening sentence of a 10th grader's paper (a little unintentional humor):
There is always something to be learned in life...and usually in school.
-David Dahl
Submitted by: Megan Coughlin [meganc@u.washington.edu]
--------------------------
Lesley Visser--So, Coach Knight, how did you beat Temple today?
The General--Well, Lesley, we scored more points than they did.
Indiana basketball coach Bobby Knight in yet another tussle with the media
following his team's win over Temple University.
Submitted by: Dave Hendrickson [hendrick@hpanlv.an.hp.com]
--------------------------
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses
interest in students.
-- John Ciardi
Submitted by: cobrien@craft.camp.clarkson.edu (CHARLES F. O'BRIEN)
--------------------------
"There's a lot more to making a refrigerator glamorous than the average viewer
understands."
--Bob Barker of The Price Is Right on the demands of game show life.
Submitted by: relyea@seas.smu.edu (Alexander F. Relyea)
--------------------------
"Esperanto is an amusing attempt to make Spanish sound elegant."
-Stephen Fry, "Trefusis is Unwell", from _Paperweight_
Submitted by: ejo@maxwell.gi.alaska.edu (Eric Olson)
--------------------------
"Let's face it. Roseanne needs to go face-to-face with a psychiatrist."
- Warren Littlefield, NBC Entertainment president, on his network's
decision to pit Frasier (the hilarious radio-shrink sitcom) against
the often unstable Roseanne Arnold's ABC show, Roseanne, next fall.
Submitted by: Terry Labach [terry@ensu.ensu.ucalgary.ca]
--------------------------
"My brother's got this 65-mile-an-hour bass fishing boat. Now, I don't think
bass can go 65 miles an hour... Maybe he catches them and takes them skiing
or something."
-- Blake Clark
Submitted by: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
--------------------------
"The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere
free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially,
we fear it."
--- George Lois.
Submitted by: kulawiec@camden.ge.com (Rich Kulawiec x3715)
--------------------------
"My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe
to be unpopular."
-- Adlai Stevenson
Submitted by: JP Nye [nye@voglnp.pnl.gov]
--------------------------
"Chicago got started by a bunch of New Yorkers who said, 'Ge, I'm
enjoying the crime and poverty, but it just isn't cold enough."
- comic Richard Jeni
Submitted by: Dean Woodbeck [dlwoodbe@mtu.edu]
--------------------------
"The people never give up their liberties but under some delusion."
- Edmund Burke
Submitted by: Mike Krawchuk [krawchuk@ensu.ucalgary.ca]
--------------------------
"It seems to me that the apparatus for the creation and maintenance of
celebrity is vastly in excess of the material fit to be celebrated."
Philip Larkin (British poet quoted by Joseph Epstein in Commentary)
Submitted by: harvey@acf2.NYU.EDU (harvey)
--------------------------
"To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules
of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game,
moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem
the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the
top of the box."
- Jerry Seinfeld
Submitted by: "Nathan Jacczak" [jacczak.UCD.oramail@zeus.ucdavis.edu]
--------------------------
The True University ... is Books.
Thomas Carlyle,
quoted on the flyleaf of _Teeth_, Sydney Garfield DDS
Submitted by: Mike Dwyer [miked@pss5.ftc.scs.ag.gov]
--------------------------
"Never look back; somethin' might be gainin' on ya!"
Satchel Paige
Submitted by: harvey@acf2.NYU.EDU (harvey)
--------------------------
"The United States has become a place where you neighborhood video store
is still open at 10 p.m., while the library is closed at midday."
- James Lardner, "The Declining Middle", New Yorker, May 3, 1993,
p. 113
Submitted by: Bob Craigmile [CRAIGMIR@GOLDEN.ENMU.EDU]
--------------------------
"My view of Microsoft is that they had two goals in the last 10 years:
to copy the Macintosh and to copy Lotus' success in the applications
business. And they accomplished those goals. Now, they're kind of
lost. I've told Bill [Gates] that I think it's in Microsoft's best
interest if NeXT becomes successful because we'll give him something
to copy for the rest of this decade."
-- Steve Jobs
Submitted by: Mike Krawchuk [krawchuk@ensu.ensu.ucalgary.ca]
--------------------------
"I`ve got drawers full of them, a whole closet full of these tapes and I
haven't looked at them. I think videotapes are going to provide the
world's most effective landfills as years go by because every house is
going to be full of these wretched things. They would be better off
buying books."
- CBS President Howard Stringer, quoted in Television Quarterly
Submitted by: Terry Labach [terry@ensu.ensu.ucalgary.ca]
--------------------------
"People in this country have lost the habit of debating questions.
TV does it for them. People hold opinions, but the opinions are
not derived from either thought or discussion."
- writer Saul Bellow
Submitted by: Terry Labach [terry]
--------------------------
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do
it, it's not all mixed up.
A.A. Milne
Submitted by: alyxx@NADC.NADC.NAVY.MIL (A. Feltser)
--------------------------
"In a lot of rock music you hear now, there's cathartic anger in the
performance, but the philosophy - the feeling and thinking - behind it
is very mushy, or studiedly vague. There's a strain of self-pity: `I
get off the hook because I had a bad childhood.' Whereas in the '50s
it made you a dangerous threat - you were a hoodlum - now it makes you a
victim. I kind of liked the other thing better."
- intellectual rocker Elvis Costello in Vogue magazine
Submitted by: Terry Labach [terry@ensu.ucalgary.ca]
--------------------------
"The greatest problem of communication is the illusion that it has
been accomplished."
- George Bernard Shaw
Submitted by: cunha@oodis01.hill.af.mil (Gary Cunha;OO-ALC/TISEA;)
--------------------------
"One common obstacle to empathy that plagues tech support people is the fact
that we are often dealing with callers who seem confused, stressed, forgetful,
foolish, or, occasionally, downright stupid."
- Ralph Wilson, "Help! The art of computer technical support",
Peachpit Press, 1991, 84.
Submitted by: Alan J Rosenthal [flaps@dgp.toronto.edu]
--------------------------
Soap Opera: A kind of sandwich. Between thick slices of advertsing,
spread twelve minutes of dialogue, add predicament, villainy and fe-
male suffering in equal measure, throw in a dash of nobility, sprinkle
with tears, season with organ music, cover with a rich announcer sauce
and serve five times a week.
-- James Thurber
Submitted by: rissa@prudence.fof.org (Patricia O Tuama)
--------------------------
In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come
into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish
between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which
will only make it mushy.
- Mark Twain
Submitted by: "J. Daniel Smith" [dan@bristol.com]
--------------------------
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
The Life humor collection maintainer, selections from the internet
From: "Patrick Ryan" [p.ryan@uws.edu.au]
"Honour thy father" does not mean repeat his mistakes.
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page