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Date: Tue, 19 Sep 1995 12:35:11 -0700
Message-Id: [199509191935.MAA16855@netcom17.netcom.com]
Subject: Life E.T
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
Date: 16 Aug 94 16:12:52 PDT (Tuesday)
Subject: Life E.T
------------------------------------------------------------
Selections are from fido.humor
Over heard in a courtroom:
Q. Did you observe anything?
A. Yes, we did. When we found the vehicle, we saw several unusual items in the
car in the right front floorboard of the vehicle. There was what appeared to be
a Molotov cocktail, a green bottle__
Counsel: Objection. I'm going to object to that word, Molotov cocktail.
The Court: What is you legal objection, Counsel?
Counsel: It's inflammatory, Your Honor.
------------------------------
Two woman met while shopping. When they started to discuss their home
lives, one of them said, "I've been fighting day and night with my
husband. It's so aggravating, I've lost twenty pounds.
The other woman said, "Stop arguing."
The first woman said, "Not yet. I want to lose another twenty!"
------------------------------
Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He had spent months studying the
little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. Despite all efforts at predator
control, population was declining at an alarming rate.
Finn finally went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone
there might be able to help. Tom Trom looked into the problem and came up with
a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's
water and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Tom brewed up
a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a toss of that and, most critically,
one part sodium.
"You mean...?" said Jim.
"Yes," said Tom. "They need a mono-sodium glue to mate!"
------------------------------
A teacher was telling a friend about one of her students. "He cheats,
he lies, he steals, he hits, and to make it even worse, he's the only
kid in the class with a perfect attendance record!"
------------------------------
A study was made at the college level to find out why most railroad
fatalities seemed to always be in the last car on the train. The students
were asked how to stop it. One student raised his hand and said, "That's
simple...just cut off the last car!"
------------------------------
In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady was
brought before the judge because of a ticket given her for driving
through a red light. She explained to His Honor, that she was a school
teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that
she might hasten on to her classes.
A wild gleam came into the judge's eye. "You're a school teacher, eh?"
said he. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited
years to have a school teacher in this court. Sit down at that table
and write `I went through a red light' 500 times!"
------------------------------
An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president.
When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television
cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a
comfortable flight.
The chief made a series of weird noises...."screech, scratch, honk,
buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-"...and then added in perfect English, "Yes, I
had a very nice flight."
Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington
Monument while you're in the area?"
The chief made the same noises..."screech, scratch, honk, buzz,
whistle, z-z-z-z"...and then said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit the
White House and the Capitol Building."
"Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next
reporter.
The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle,
z-z-z-z...from the shortwave radio."
------------------------------
The new Army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best
for awhile, but about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the
officer of the day standing before him.
Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this
smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment, then looked
upward and reverently said, "A-a-amen!"
------------------------------
While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several
pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an
apple. I asked one nurse what the pin signified.
"Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors
away."
------------------------------
A farmer vows he increased egg production by putting this sign in the
hen house:
"An egg a day keeps Colonel Sanders away."
------------------------------
"The tall building on the right is a States building." said the guide to the
tourists walking through the parade.
"How many work there?" asks a tourist.
"Oh, about one in fifty." replied the guide.
------------------------------
During the noontime recreational activities the president of the corporation
mounted the platform, accompanied by an overall-clad man off the assembly
line, and made this speech.
"Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to see how American industry rewards
those who are conscientious and hard-working. This man standing beside me has
been with the company less than a year, during which time his unusual
qualities have earned him salary increases in excess of one hundred dollars a
week. I have watched him closely, observed with great pleasure the manner in
which he has pitched in and gotten things done. Therefore I am pleased to
announce that starting this very afternoon he gets out of his work clothes,
comes into the executive branch, and takes over an office with the title of
Executive Vice President in Charge of Policy at an annual wage of eighty
thousand dollars. Congratulations to you, sir."
The workman shook the extended hand and said: "Gee, thanks, Dad."
------------------------------
On the first day of the trial, the judge noted with alarm that there were only
eleven jurors present.
"Who's missing?" he questioned the foreman.
"Garcia," said the woman. "He had to march in the Hispanic Day parade. But
don't worry___he left his verdict with me!"
------------------------------
Heard on Tonight show....
This cosmic event - these giant rocks crashing into Jupiter all this week - has
really inspired kids, and in my opinion gotten them interested in science once
more. In fact today, I saw a bunch of kids throwing rocks at a Saturn in a
parking lot.
How come scientists know that this comet thing will hit the surface of Jupiter
at precisely 4:38.4, but you ask 'em if it'll rain tomorrow and they say "I
dunno, 50/50 chance."
------------------------------
One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his
congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three
sermons...a $100. sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50. sermon that
lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10. sermon that lasts a full hour. Now,
we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."
------------------------------
A commuter complained to a conductor of the rail line's service. "If you
don't like it, why don't you get out and walk?" the conductor said.
"I would," the commuter replied. "But I'm not expected home til the train
arrives."
------------------------------
On the Isle of Man, a spot made famous by its refusal to abandon the donkey
as a means of transportation, a preacher was unable to control his own mule.
During Sunday services it poked its head in the window and brayed a raucous
hee-haw, and kicked against the side of the building.
His patience gone, the preacher announced: "Brothers and sisters, is there
not one among you who knows the formula for keeping that mule quiet?"
"I do, parson," a member interjected. "In order to keep that mule quiet all
you needs do is tie a stone to his tail."
"Brothers and sisters," the preacher declared, "let he who is without sin tie
the first stone."
------------------------------
The most embarrassing moment in the live of a performer took place on the
stage of the Palace Theater. A magician, having called upon an impartial
youngster in the audience to assist him, asked: "Now, my boy, have you ever
seen me before?"
The boy replied: "No, Daddy."
------------------------------
A vacationer in New York bragged of an exceptionally good restaurant to other
members of his excursion and organized a party the following evening to prove
his point. When the members of the party ordered, the main course was
microscopic, and the angry organizer sent for the manager. "My good man," he
told the manager. "Yesterday I ate here and the chops were twice as thick,
the garnishing twice as large, and the service four times as good."
"True," the manager agreed. "But yesterday you were seated near the window."
------------------------------
Warner went to a computer dating bureau and picked out a lovely young woman
from her photo. But they explained he couldn't meet her. He'd have to take
out a gray-haired woman of sixty-three.
"Why a woman of sixty-three?" he asked.
"This is a union shop and she has seniority."
------------------------------
Jones was having difficulty with the telephone. "Ottiwell," he was saying. "I
want to speak to Reginald Ottiwell."
And the operator said predictable, "Would you spell the last name?"
Jones sighed and began, "O as in Oscar; T as in Thomas; T as in Thomas again;
I as in Ida; W as in Wallace___"
Whereupon the operator interrupted, "W as in what?"
------------------------------
A man and his little girl were on an overcrowded elevator. Suddenly a
lady in front turned around, slapped the man, and left in a huff. The
little girl remarked, "I didn't like her either, Daddy. She stepped on
my toe, so I pinched her."
------------------------------
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly
furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a
gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled,
slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife
when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
------------------------------
A gentleman, having been admitted to Heaven, decided to spend his vacation in
Purgatory and purchased a round trip ticket, with that objective in mind. He
arrived at Purgatory early in the morning and was amazed to find everybody
sitting about in relaxed positions.
"I don't get it," he remarked to one of the denizens. "I'm a citizen of
Heaven. And what happens? I have to work steady from five in the morning to
seven at night. And down here, where, let's face it, things are supposed to
be so much tougher, why you're all sitting around with nothing to do at eight
in the morning."
"It's not hard to figure our," said the Purgatory citizen. "You see, we have
just as much work down here, but there's more of us to do it, so we get
through sooner."
------------------------------
Upon entering a room in a hotel, a woman recognized a well-known
government official pacing up and down and asked what he was doing
there. "I am going to deliver a speech," he said.
"Do you usually get very nervous before addressing a large audience?"
"Nervous?" he replied. "No, I never get nervous."
"In that case," demanded the lady, "what are you doing in the ladies
room?"
------------------------------
Stewart: "My grandpa lived until he was 104." Sammy: "That's nothing great. My
grandma is still living at 158." Stewart: "I don't believe it. She's at 158?"
Sammy: "Yes. 158 Main Street."
------------------------------
Wills: Dead giveaways.
------------------------------
Sadie was sitting next to Golda. "So Golda," she said, What's with the
children?" "My son Max," Golda responded, "is the biggest lawyer in New York.
If a case is less than 10 million dollars he wouldn't touch it for all the tea
in China."
"And Rachel," Sadie prompted.
"My Rachel," is a big actress on Broadway. "She wouldn't touch a part unless
its the lead in a major production."
"And Izzy," Sadie prompted.
"Oy, My Izzie, My Izzie," Golda responded. "He's a presser in a clothing
factory, and I'll tell you the truth. If it wasn't for Izzie, we'd all starve
to death."
------------------------------
A stranger came to church and the minister was pleased to see him come
forward to sit in one of the empty seats. Afterwards he greeted the
newcomer and said, "I'm glad you felt free to sit well forward, even though
you are a visitor."
"Well," said the man, "I'm a bus driver and I just wanted to see if I could
learn how you can get everyone to move to the rear all the time."
------------------------------
No mater how busy people are, they are never too busy to stop and talk
about how busy they are.
------------------------------
An evangelist was speaking in a meeting when a heckler shouted, "Listen
to him! And his father used to drive a wagon led by a donkey."
"That's right," said the evangelist, "and today my father and the wagon
are gone. But I see we still have the donkey with us."
------------------------------
John Smith happened to witness a minor holdup. In due time the police
arrived, and one officer asked the witness his name.
"John Smith," said Smith.
"Cut the comedy," snapped the cop. "What's your real name?"
"All right," said Smith, "put me down as Winston Churchill."
"That's more like it," said the officer. "You can't fool me with that
Smith stuff."
------------------------------
On visiting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found
him sitting up in bed, frantically leafing through the Bible.
"What are you doing?"
"Looking for loopholes," replied the lawyer.
------------------------------
A man was taken to court for stealing an item from a store. The man
said to the judge, "Your Honor, I'm a Christian. I've become a new
man. But I have and old nature also. It was not my new man who did
wrong. It was my old man."
The judge responded, "Since it was the old man that broke the law,
we'll sentence him to 60 days in jail. And since the new man was an
accomplice in the theft, we'll give him 30 days, too. I therefore
sentence you both to 90 days in jail."
------------------------------
Sally's husband didn't leave a bit of insurance. Everyone wanted to
know where she got that gorgeous diamond ring?
"Well," said Sally, "he left $2,000 for his casket and $8,000 for a
stone. This is the stone."
------------------------------
A man who traveled to Iran was telling a large audience about how
careless the men over there are with their wives. He said it was not
an uncommon sight to see a woman and a donkey hitched up together.
From the back of his audience a woman's voice was heard to say, "That's
not so unusual. You often see it over here, too."
------------------------------------------------------------
1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved
The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use
as long as the signature file below is included
The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by
the individual contributors who should be contacted
if you wish to forward their entry.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
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