From cate3@netcom.com Thu Sep 21 08:20:10 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life E.U
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Date: 18 Aug 94 15:40:26 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life E.U
alt.humor.best-of-usenet is moderated by: best@cc.ysu.edu
------------------------------------------------------------
Sifted out of alt.humor.best-of-usenet
Newsgroups: soc.culture.australian
Subject: Re: Need to find?
In article 6ss@search01.news.aol.com, bigbob5319@aol.com (Bigbob5319) writes:
I was reading a report suggesting 10,000 associates were needed to fill a
growing business demand in Australia. Would you like the same information?
I
hope
it's not
anything too
obvious, know what I mean?
------------------------------
From: mike.jourard@rose.com (mike jourard)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.movies
Subj: Paulina Porizkova ?
Does anyone know if Paulina Porizkova acted in "Her Alibi"? I've seen it and
have strong doubts. You may stop doubting; she was in it.
Perhaps the question is NOT whether Paulina was IN the movie, but whether she
ACTED in the movie... Subtle...?
------------------------------
From: murphy@symcom.math.uiuc.edu (Michael L. Murphy)
Newsgroups: alt.games.doom
Subj: Re: Apology Re: Urgent!!!
In article [019744CKGAODVEBQCFGS@cml.com] online@cml.com writes:
As of June 13, 1994 there was a petition placed in approximately 254 Usenet
newsgroups including this one concerning the adoption of a Russian child.
The petition in question was intended for placement in only 7 different
newsgroups and due to an error in the cross-posting it saturated many
newsgroups to which it had no relevance.
This incident will not be repeated in the future.
Yeah, riiiiight. "This incident will not be repeated in the future."
You're new around here, aren't you?
------------------------------
From: robbiew@inviso.com (Robbie Westmoreland)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers
Subj: Re: YKYBHTLW....
[YKYBHTLW - You Know You've Been Hacking Too Long When]
... you see an announcement that Boeing has just released its 777, and your
first thought is that it's world executable. Then you realize that all of
Boeing's planes have been world executable; they're just changing the group.
It takes a few seconds of wondering why anyone would want to have something
world read/write/execute, but wouldn't give the same priviledges to the group
before you realize that these are planes, not files or directories...
------------------------------
From: vicric@panix.com (Vicki Richman)
Newsgroups:
alt.politics.datahighway,alt.journalism,alt.usage.english,sci.psychology
Subject: Shrinks Target Net
The American Psychiatric Association cites "Disorder of Written Expression" as
code 315.2 in its _Diagnostic and Statistic Manual of Mental Disorders_.
According to an op-ed piece in this morning's _New York Times_, its symptoms
include "poor use of grammar or punctuation, sloppy paragraph organization,
awful spelling . . . ."
Now they think they can stop the Internet by having us all declared insane.
------------------------------
From: M.Gibson@dcs.warwick.ac.uk (Gothick)
[Moderator's note: a series of 15 or so newgroups were issued, that formed
'AT&T - You Will' when the names were viewed in proper order, is the roots of
this post.]
Newsgroups: alt.config,news.admin.misc
Subject: Re: Idiots of the Week.
hiroki@limerick.cbs.umn.edu (Hiroki Morizono) writes:
Looks like it is supposed to be some massive piece of ascii art. Can't we send
people like this to Coventry?
*We* don't want them.
Cheers,
Matt, in Coventry...
------------------------------
From: albertjb@nucleus.com (Albert Blair)
Newsgroups: alt.humor.puns,alt.1d
Subj: Re: Test
: In article [1994Jun13.152046.1@aurora.alaska.edu]
fszlr@aurora.alaska.edu writes:
This is a test.
Have you ever wondered how to pass a test like that? It keeps me awake at
night wondering...maybe I've just been in school too long...
--PB&J
Obviously neither you nor I could pass this test, if we had passed it we
wouldn't have read it. Therefore it must be a zen test, which means to
attempt to pass it is to fail.
------------------------------
From: tbpic1@aurora.cc.monash.edu.au (Tim Pickett)
Newsgroups: monash.test
Subj: Re: Simon and Garfunkel (was Re: This is a test
umisef@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (Bernd Meyer) writes:
So let's go for "there must be 50 ways to leave your editor"
All right, you've got a deal. Memories of trying to quit an editor in VMS that
I didn't understand . . . (A bad song this for parodying. It makes it sound
like I can't make words scan, even though I'm referring to the sheet music in
front of me.)
The problem is all inside your ed(1), she sed(1) to me,
But the answer is emacs if you like C-x C-c,
I'm here to help you if you're struggling to use free(),
There must be fifty ways to leave your editor.
She said, `I hope your print job doesn't get dequeued,
I hope that you've stocked up lots of vending machine food.
But I'll repeat myself - have you gone and colon-q'd?
There must be fifty ways to leave your editor.
Fifty ways to leave your editor.'
Just press control-K, Ray,
Try double-Z, Fred,
You're still in insert, Bert,
So hit control-C.
Press meta-x, Lex,
Then type, `exit-quit-leave'
Or else just suspend, friend,
and kill(1) it with glee.
She said, `It grieves me now to stty(1) sane,
I wish there was somthing I could do to see your prompt again,'
I said, "I appreciate that,' and started to complain
About the fifty ways.
She said, `Why don't we both just sleep(1) on it tonight?
I'm sure in the morning you'll be sick of reading Byte.'
And then she warned me not to be a power-cycling neophyte,
There must be fifty ways to leave your editor.
Fifty ways to leave your editor.
(Repeat chorus)
------------------------------
From: tsalagi@netcom.com
Newsgroups: netcom.general
Subj: Re: What is happenign with who?
In article [mortalCsDxKv.77A@netcom.com], Sam Lowry [mortal@netcom.com] wrote:
When I type who I get this before listing the users online:
netcom: RPC: Program not registered
netcom7: RPC: Program not registered
netcom8: RPC: Program not registered
netcom10: RPC: Program not registered
What's going on?
The folks in rec.pets.cats are having their revenge.
See also 'man rpc'.
------------------------------
From: juniper@uiuc.edu (Laura Zurawski)
Subj: Re: Another day, another fish joke.
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity,alt.slack
pdh@ecs.soton.ac.uk (Peter Harris) writes:
The title says it all really.
Oh, I know your type. You're just posting for the halibut.
------------------------------
From: dannyb@panix.com (danny burstein)
In [2vg9ed$50j@agate.berkeley.edu] davewu@uclink2.berkeley.edu (David Tze-Si
Wu) writes:
I know there are some tricks you can do with the Motorola Express pager (like
showing the firmware revision number by shutting of the machine and holding
down the light and select button then turn it on), but are there any other
tricks you can do with it?
Well, yes. You can use it in place of a barometer to determine the height of a
building....
------------------------------
From: marcusd@lsl.co.uk
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers
In article [30178p$9bl@owl.csrv.uidaho.edu], evans861@raven.csrv.uidaho.edu
(Evans Darrell J) writes:
I need info on computers in Art.
1) Take a large sheet of art board.
2) Paint it your favorite color (blue?).
3) Cover board with contact adhesive.
4) Take one computer running any MS-Windows application.
5) Stand computer in middle of board and switch on.
6) Switch on computer and start application.
7) Prepare sledge hammer.
8) Wait for protection fault.
9) Perform immediate system shutdown with sledge hammer.
10) Wait for glue to dry.
11) Call Tate Gallery.
12) Send me 10%
------------------------------
From: lsloan@umcc.umcc.umich.edu (Lance Sloan)
Newsgroups: comp.infosystems.www.misc
In article [stevec.15.2E1F3E09@hookup.net],
Steve Coulber [stevec@hookup.net] wrote:
Just what is a firewall anyway? I use a MS dos / Windows system, do I need
one?
Steve,
You should most definitely consider getting a firewall, they are very useful.
They are used for protecting networked computers from, naturally, fire. It is
often the case that a fire may start on some host connected to the Internet and
it spreads to other hosts nearby via the networks. If you have a firewall, you
can prevent an ATF (asynchronously transmitted fire) from reaching your
computer.
Firewalls are usually very strong and they are good for other types of fires
besides electrical. I found my firewall to work so well that I got a second
one and installed it in my car.
Hope this helps!
------------------------------
From: jgg@waldo.corte-madera.geoquest.slb.com (John Gillespie)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.mac.apps
Subj: Re: Oscar the GROUCH!
I had this on my Mac a few years ago, too.
I had to toss it because it was so entertaining, my kids started throwing
things away just to see Oscar.
Things like System Folder %^(
------------------------------
From: "*.Sparky.*" [sparky@babylon5.trw.sp.com]
Newsgroups: comp.sys.mac.advocacy
In article [30klml$i40@lyra.csx.cam.ac.uk] L.J. Wischik,
ljw1004@cus.cam.ac.uk writes:
How can you have _windows_ on a desktop?
1. Go to window.
2. Remove window from wall with power tools.
3. Go to desktop.
4. Place window on desktop.
I pope this yelps,
sparky
------------------------------
From: erik@starfish.acs.brockport.edu (erik seielstad)
Newsgroups: alt.config
For those of you who couldn't decipher Tim's message, I've translated it
for you and added appropriate pointers.
Tim=Dammon%HF%PCPD=Hou@bangate.compaq.com wrote:
: You people (Tom included) need to turn off your computers,
see comp.answers, comp.sys.*, comp.misc .
: go outside,
rec.backcountry, alt.fishing, rec.outdoors.fishing .
: look at the sun (it's a big yellow ball in the sky)
sci.astro
: smell a flower,
rec.gardens (or rec.gardens.orchids, rec.gardens.roses)
: mow the yard,
misc.consumers.house
: throw a stick for a dog to fetch,
rec.pets.dogs
: take a shower,
misc.health.alternative
: write a letter (with a pen and ink),
alt.prose, bit.listserv.techwr-l, bit.listserv.wac-l,
comp.edu.composition, misc.writing .
: call your mom,
alt.parents-teens, alt.parents.analretentive.insane,
alt.support.step-parents .
: eat a banana
alt.food.fat-free, rec.food.cooking, rec.food.veg,
bionet.drosophila (look it up)
: In other words GET A LIFE!!!!!!
alt.fan.chris-elliott, alt.life.sucks, alt.thrash,
sci.life-extension, misc.wanted, rec.collecting, soc.misc
: It's only the Internet!
alt.culture.internet, alt.bbs.internet, alt.best.of.internet,
alt.horror.shub-internet, alt.internet.access.wanted,
alt.internet.services, alt.internet.media-coverage,
alt.internet.talk-radio, comp.internet.library, comp.org.isoc.interes,
info.big-internet .
: Despite what the Illuminati might say,
alt.illuminati, alt.cabal, alt.conspiracy .
: It's not the source of all life.
alt.sources.wanted, alt.buddha.short.fat.guy, alt.hindu, alt.pagan,
alt.religion.buddhism.tibetan, alt.religion.islam, alt.religion.kibology,
alt.religion.scientology, soc.culture.jewish,soc.religion.*,
talk.religion.*
-erik
-- erik@acs.brockport.edu
------------------------------
From: egross@mailer.fsu.edu (Eric Gross)
Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy
I heard in the news recently that all earths telescopes will be pointing at
Jupiter during the impending collision with the comet. Has it occurred to
anyone that this is a ploy by extra-terrestials so that they can invade from
the side on which we are not watching?
I beg you to advise your local observatories of this impending disaster and get
them to scan the skies in all directions so that we will not be caught off
guard!
Yours sincerely
Orson Welles
Dear Mr. Welles:
National Bureau Of Astronimical Observations
1340 Palomar Lick Ave
Washington, D.C.
According to our records, you are dead.
Does this letter represent a post or pre-mortem request for request for
modification of observational scheduling? If a pre-mortem request, you have
failed to follow the proper procedure in the following points:
1.) Submitting an official document NBAO-23C with supporting documentation 2.)
Submitting the $2500 schedule modification fee 3.) Submitting your proposal for
a modified observation schedule, as per Section 4, Paragraph 8, Line 3 of the
NBAO Operating Procedures.
If this represents a post-mortem request for schedule modification, you have
failed to follow the proper procedure in the following points:
1.) Submitting an official document NBAO-666A form establishing point of origin
of request, with supporting documentation. 2.) Submitting an official document
NBAO-23D with supporting documentation 3.) Submitting the $2500 schedule
modification fee 4.) Submitting your proposal for a modified observation
schedule, as per Section 4, Paragraph 8, Line 3 of the NBAO Operating
Procedures
These forms are available to all pre-mortem requestors through this office,
and can be obtained by sending a typewritten request to the above address.
In case of post-mortem requests, the necessary documents are available through
our branch office in Hell's Administrative Center. Level 5, Corridor 8, Room
5467. Please ask for R. Descartes.
Requests posted from Heaven must obtain suitable documents from the above
listed location, as we currently have no branch office in Heaven.
Thank you for your interest.
Sincerely,
Whitley Strieber
------------------------------
From: mkellis@ritz.mordor.com (Michael Ellis)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5
I think it is of Great Significance (TM) that the only being who has ever been
shown drinking Zima on TV is the dead fish on the grill, and they had to kill
it, gut it, and even then they still had to force-feed it Zima by pouring the
stuff down its throat while they tortured it over hot coals.
God knows how much they'd have to pay to get one of the actors in the
commercial to down the stuff.
I ask the guy to keep that poor, martyred fish away from my burger too.
------------------------------
From: dave@myhost.subdomain.domain (David Johnston)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.ceiling
Subject: FAQ for alt.fan.ceiling
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) v94.08.01 for alt.fan.ceiling
----
Table of Contents
Introduction
Questions :
What is the purpose of alt.fan.ceiling?
How did this group originate?
Who are we and why are we here?
What is our motto?
How can I contribute to this newsgroup?
How do I become lofty and idealistic?
Why is the FAQ so short?
Introduction
This file is designed to answer some of the most frequently asked questions
regarding alt.fan.ceiling. Granted, no one has actually asked us any
questions yet, so don't fear retribution like, "Go read the #$%^^# FAQ!!!"
because we can't even spell "#$%^^#".
If you have any questions, suggestions, corrections, or reflections, please
do not hesitate to contact THOMAS@utb.edu or DAVE@utb.edu. If these guys
have no idea what you are talking about, then e-mail the code phrase, "The
red wheel barrow has dried out, the chickens have fled". If you do not
receive an immediate response, it is safe to assume they have been drugged
beyond all conscious thought, or they are enjoying a great cup of tea.
Under either circumstance, pack your things in a brown, unmarked briefcase
and drop it under the bridge.
What is the purpose of alt.fan.ceiling?
We, in all truth, don't have the foggiest idea... but give us a minute, and
we'll come up with something (this definitely falls under "suggestions", a
weak point in our organization, if you will). Lofty ideas are the bread and
milk of the human mind. More than anything, the mind wants to explore,
experience, and pursue itself to the totality of its limits (kinda like a dog
chasing its tail until it collapses in a heaving pile of fur). Anyway, this
subject is definitely quite open for discussion. This is a light-hearted,
happy, fun, creative forum. Remember, one purpose of this group is to discuss
its purpose!
How did this group originate?
That is a very good question, and if we knew we would tell you. We stumbled
across this newsgroup, and are in the process of commandeering it. Currently,
DAVE@utb.edu and THOMAS@utb.edu are the overseers of the newsgroup, unless
there are objections. If there are objections, we will arm wrestle for
over-seer privileges. See tournament schedule below.
Basically, we noticed this newsgroup and observed that someone's joke was
destined to become wasted bandwidth. We couldn't let that happen. So, this is
our attempt at making this group actually useful. We would like it to be a
fun, light-hearted, enjoyable group. Hey - some people clean up parks, we take
over abandoned newsgroups - what can we say?
Who are we and why are we here?
Well, admiral Stockdale, we are alt.fan.ceiling. Our purpose is to... well,
promote creative, intellectual, humorous thoughts and writings. This group
could, of course, entail much more; debate, creative works, reviews, the
drawings your grandkids gave you for your refrigerator. Anything goes! For
the time being, at least.
What is our motto?
We have none (yet). On a whim, this has become our first project. One of our
group overseers decided we should put together a bit of a mad lib motto. So,
everyone send a random word (pick your favorite part of speech) and mail it to
one of the group overseers. See next question.
How can I contribute to this newsgroup?
Just a simple post would help. As mentioned above, you could help write a
simple, succinct and eloquent motto by e-mailing (or posting) a word that you
feel deserves a place in our motto. Anyone who would like to begin a
discussion on the topic of their choice or add to the FAQ or attract more
subscribers or discussion should feel free to do so.
How do I become lofty and idealistic?
For only $19.95, you can purchase this simple, easy one step lofty 'n
idealistic starter kit. E-mail Thomas@arizona.oceanfront.property.com for
more information. The other option, is to post great, information-packed
articles to this newsgroup. Or do what we did - find a nice, quiet UseNet News
Group and, well, take it over by force. It's a thought.
Why is the FAQ so short?
In order for questions to be frequently asked, they must first be asked. So,
this list of frequently asked questions is... well, short.
------------------------------------------------------------
1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved
The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use
as long as the signature file below is included
The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by
the individual contributors who should be contacted
if you wish to forward their entry.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
To learn how to get a MS Windows 3.1 Application with
15,000 jokes from the Life Humor collection, send E-Mail
to life@netcom.com with "Info" in the Subject.
Or check out http://www.offshore.com.ai/lifehumor
Back to my Life Humor Page
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