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Date: Tue, 26 Sep 1995 12:19:25 -0700
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Subject: Life E.V
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
Date: 18 Aug 94 16:14:58 PDT (Thursday)
Subject: Life E.V
To add yourself send to LISTSERV@UGA.bitnet the command SUB HUMOR Firstname
Lastname, as the first line in the message
------------------------------------------------------------
From the humor list: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.ed
From: Emile Artus [GRARTUS@ECUVM1.BITNET]
Last year, while the U.S. Midwest was hit by all the flooding, the
South-east, especially the Carolinas, were suffering drought. One poor,
dried-up farmer here in the east was forced to go to the local bank to seek a
loan on his fruitless farm in order to survive. The banker told him, "I
think, under the conditions, that we'll be able to grant you a substantial
loan, but maybe we'd better drive out first and appraise your property."
"No need to go to all that trouble," answered the distressed grower, looking
out the window at an enormous dust cloud rolling over the horizon, "here it
comes now!"
--From a column by Rev. Cleve Wilkie in the Times-Leader, Grifton, NC,
7/20/94.
------------------------------
From: Emile Artus [GRARTUS@ECUVM1.BITNET]
Q: What's the most frightening sentence in the English language?
A: "I'm from the government.- I'm here to help."
Q: What's Clinton's favorite sentence in the English language?
A: "I'm from the government - I'm here to help."
------------------------------
From: Ed Johnson [EJOHNSO3@UA1VM.BITNET]
I understand that in light of Clinton's health-care debacle, the Republican
party will not refer to Clinton in the 1996 presidential election as the
"incumbent," but rather as the "pre-existing condition."
------------------------------
From: Phil Corless [APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET]
During a sermon our pastor stated that money wasn't important in the afterlife,
because in heaven, there is no money. I overheard one parishioner whisper to
her mother, "Did you hear that, Mom? We're already in heaven."
------------------------------
From: "Wayland Wasserman" [waylandw@MAILPO2.ASYM2PO.ASYMETRIX.COM]
CREATE YOUR OWN INTERNET HYPE
Pick one word from each column to form your very own Net Hype Term. Use it
liberally in conversation and in magazine articles. Make it into an acronym.
Call up customer support lines and ask about it. Post about it on irrelevant
Usenet newsgroups. Pretend that you know what it means. Bonus points if Wired
Magazine writes a gushy article about it.
A: B: C:
interactive multimedia suite
highspeed server architecture
networked e-mail engine
revolutionary reality group
visionary protocol site
virtual software agent
the WELL's chat newsgroup
Mondo communications network
intelligent parallel CD-ROM
online modem agent
real-time information teleconference
------------------------------
From: Sara Rummelhart [RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET]
It's sad for a gal to reach the age
Where men consider her charmless,
But it's worse for a man to attain the age
Where the girls consider him harmless.
------------------------------
From: Tom Welbers [twelbers@PEPPERDINE.EDU]
Regarding that pesky little word, UP:
Why must we first cut a tree DOWN before we can cut it UP?
------------------------------
From: Jeff Rollosson Halbhuber [jeffrh@MAILPO2.ASYM2PO.ASYMETRIX.COM]
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in
human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
-- Mitch Ratliffe, in _Technology_Review_, April 1992
------------------------------
From: Doug Gwilliam [DOUGGW@WORDPERFECT.COM]
]From the Salt Lake Tribune:
Coffee has reached its highest price since 1986. Economists say the
marketplace may benefit from this rise. After eight years, it could finally
force civil servants off their breaks.
------------------------------
From: Emile Artus [GRARTUS@ECUVM1.BITNET]
Two raw recruits were being interviewed for possible induction into the Navy,
and among other things were asked, "Do you know how to swim?"
They looked puzzled, then one of them haltingly asked, "What's the matter,
sir -- don't you have enough ships?"
------------------------------
From: Emile Artus [GRARTUS@ECUVM1.BITNET]
A young mother was taking care of a neighbor's young son, along with her own
brood. She took them to a local burger place for lunch.
"Tommy," she asked her young guest, "how many hamburgers can you eat?"
"I don't know," Tommy shrugged. "Mama always stops me!"
------------------------------
From: Kevin Cain [KEVIN@VM.CC.FAMU.EDU]
An East Chicago resident ran into problems when he tried to get a license for
his electric car. The state of Illinois requires that all automobiles must
pass an emission test, and you would think that an electric car would have no
problems, right? Don't underestimate the ineptness of bureaucracy. The
electric car denied a license because it didn't have a tailpipe to conduct
the emissions tests.
------------------------------
From: Sara Rummelhart [RUMMELH@USCN.BITNET]
A grandmother recently met her friend and started to ask, "Did I tell you
about the cute thing my granddaughter said ...."
But she was cut short with, "Before you start I warn you that I demand
equal time--and I have sixteen grandchildren!"
------------------------------
From: "D. E. Gulledge" [gulledge@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU]
What is the difference between Republicans and Democrats philosophy of tax and
spend.
Republicans wish to tax those who can produce to benefit those who can't.
Democrats wish to tax those who do produce to benefit those who won't.
Republicans assume those who don't, won't.
Democrats assume those who don't, can't.
------------------------------
From: "The Meltz Inc." [mmeltzer@WAM.UMD.EDU]
Heard on Paul Harvey news this morning:
Some employees (from some company) were just trained in handling money,
and then put on the floor to do some real work. Evidently a customer
paid one cashier with a 3 dollar bill. Bill Clinton's picture was on
it.
"No one ever told me about 3 dollar bills," said the employee.
------------------------------
From: lisa [LARMISTE@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU]
Saw this bumper sticker on the way to work:
Love is grand
Divorce is 20 grand!
------------------------------
From: "Terrie Roberts C.P.M." [ROBERTS@GONZAGA.EDU]
I read this in my June 14, 1994 issue of PC Magazine:
MORE CRAZY MISTAKES DEPT.: Drew Spenser dug up another funny anecdote.
"The software inside the computer can be as befuddling as the computer itself.
A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything.
After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was
trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and
hitting the Send key. Good one.
------------------------------
From: Bill [BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU]
Doctor to interns: "This patient has a rare form of medical insurance."
------------------------------
From: Bill [BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU]
Witness to judge: "Your Honor, I've already answered that question on Maury
Povich's show."
------------------------------
From: Bill [BEDWARDS@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU]
"The President's really doing the best he can with this Haitian mess. The
problem is sorting out the economic refugees from those who are afraid of being
shot! Which still doesn't explain why anyone afraid of being shot would flee to
Miami."
------------------------------
From: Jim Harris [JHLAR@UKANVM.BITNET]
"I try to take just one day at a time.....
"but lately several days have attacked me at once."
------------------------------
From: NAME [ECLEMENT@ADMIN2.MEMPHIS.EDU]
One of my colleagues has beautifully solved the problem of getting rid
of those obnoxious sales people who call at the worst times and start
out with, "HI, how are you this evening?" before they identify
themselves or their affiliation. After this brief exchange, Tom says,
"Gee, I'm really interested in talking with you about [product] butri I
can't talk with you right now. Give me your home telephone number and
tell me when you'll be there, and I'll be sure to call you back.!"
------------------------------
]From the monthly publication "Bits and Pieces" August 18, 1994:
Victor Borge told a friend that he could tell time by his piano. His friend was
incredulous, so Borge volunteered to demonstrate. He pounded out a crashing
march. Immediately there came a banging on the wall and a shrill voice
screamed, "Stop that noise. Don't you know it's 1:30 in the morning?"
------------------------------
From: Jan Kucera [kuc@FCE.VUTBR.CZ]
A friend of the family went camping not too long ago. The mountains of Idaho,
Washington and Montana are filled with huckleberries this time of year, so she
was told to bring something to collect the fruit in. She brought the vacuum
sweeper. When asked what she was going to plug it in to, she answered, "A
current bush."
------------------------------
From: Emile Artus [GRARTUS@ECUVM1.BITNET]
10 Significant Differences between 1969 and 1994
Then: Watching the Mets race toward first place
Now: Watching the Mets plummet toward last place (and the players strike)
Then: Richard Nixon, man of war
Now: The memory of Richard Nixon, man of peace
Then: Bill Clinton, man of peace
Now: Bill Clinton, man of war
Then: Dennis Hopper as stoned-out cycle rider
Now: Dennis Hopper as whacked-out bus bomber
Then: Charles Manson on trial
Now: Charles Manson on T-shirts
Then: Moon-walker gets Elvis-like reception in public
Now: Moon-walker weds Elvis' daughter in secrecy
Then: Peter Fonda
Now: Bridget Fonda
Then: Mod Squad
Now: NYPD Blue
Then: Abbie Hoffman and Jerry Rubin
Now: Beavis and Butt-head
Then: Hamburger Hill, Vietnam
Now: McDonald's coming soon to Ho Chi Minh City
------------------------------
From: Dave Kenison [DAVEK@WORDPERFECT.COM]
Joe wants to live the life of a monk, but doesn't think he can live up to the
oath of silence. He hears of a monastery which relaxes this concept some, and
very eagerly joins the monastery.
On his first day, Joe is disappointed to find that the relaxing of the oath of
silence is simply that every morning, the head monk chants "Mo-o-o-orning," to
which all of the other monks reply "Mo-o-o-orning." Joe thinks this is
strange, but he decides to stay with the monastery anyway.
After several days of the "morning" chant, Joe gets very tired of it. One day
he decided to do something different. The head monk chanted "Mo-o-o-orning,"
to which all of the other monks replied "Mo-o-o-orning," except Joe, who
replied "E-e-e-vening." The head monk had a puzzled look on his face, but
dismissed the monks to do their work.
The next day, Joe did the same thing again. This time, the head monk paused
afterward, and tried again. He chanted "Mo-o-o-orning," and heard a room full
of "Mo-o-o-orning," except for one "E-e-e-vening." He repeated the experiment
several times, all with the same result. Finally, in exasperation, the head
monk screamed,
"SOMEONE CHANTED 'EVENING' !!!!"
------------------------------
From: Andrew B Stellman [roo+@CMU.EDU]
"The best kind of humor is that which makes you laugh for five seconds, and
then think for ten minutes. The worst kind of humor is that which makes you
think for ten minutes, and then laugh for five seconds."
-- me
------------------------------
From: Alar Pardla [alar@EL.EE]
One mafia man asks another:
- "Where do your Laundry?"
Second man answers:
- "I wash my cash in Dallas, but my clothes in Vegas."
------------------------------
From: Edward Spurlock [spurlock@BGA.COM]
"You cannot say that this administration has not created jobs. Look at the
number of independent counsels now working."
------------------------------
From: Altar Ariel [altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL]
Two friends that haven't met for a long time, meet in the street:
-Hi, how are you?
-I'm fine, how are you? What are you doing these days?
-I've been writing my biography for the last months.
-Great, I like it. I hope that you'll reach very soon that day that I've lent
you $100 and you've completely forgotten about it ...
------------------------------
From: Howard Tayler [tayler@WORDPERFECT.COM]
The city guy is driving down a country road and sees a rancher out pulling
calves (ranch hand-ese for assisting in the birthing process). He runs out
and asks to help. After a long struggle the calf is free and in a few minutes
standing up. The rancher thanks the stranger for his help. The stranger says
he just has one question. How fast was the little guy running when he hit the
big one?
------------------------------
From: Nick c Buford [nbuford@EIS.CALSTATE.EDU]
A football player got so mad at a referee's call that he ran right up to the
ref and insultingly screamed, "You really do stink!" The ref immediately threw
up his penalty flag, boldly marched off a l5 yard penalty for unsportsmanlike
conduct, turned, then shouted to the obnoxious player, "And how do I smell from
here?"
------------------------------
From: John Jolly [JJOLLY@WORDPERFECT.COM]
A friend of mine, employed as a prison maintenance worker, tells this one.
Three guys, one dumb, in a high-security prison were making plans to escape.
In preparation, each guy had his own way of working out. The first smart guy
studied up in the library on tactical maneuvers. The second smart guy would
work out in the weight room. The third, dumb, guy would build his stamina
running around the prison track.
Finally, the planned day came. In the dark of the night the tree inmates
escaped the prison fence and began to run. Of course, the first guy lagged
behind as the second smart guy pulled away and the third, dumb guy shot away.
The prison guards, detecting a break, released the dogs and began the chase.
As the dogs got closer, the first guy thought hard about what to do. Suddenly,
he darts up the nearest tree. When the dogs surround the tree, barking, the
escaped prisoner lets out, "Meow, meow".
The prison guards yell at the dogs, "It's a stupid cat, you mangy mutts, now
get after those escapees!" And the dogs resume their chase.
Now the dogs got close to the second, weightlifting prisoner. Being the smart
fellow that he is, he tries to emulate the trick the first pulled. He climbs a
tree and as the dogs surround the tree, the prisoner begins to go, "Hoot,
hoot".
"You idiot dogs! It's an owl! Get after those escapees!" And the dogs resume
their chase.
The third, stupid prisoner, had quite the head-start, but he wasn't fast
enough. He thought about the first two prisoners and figured, what's good for
them is good for me. So, he scrambles up the nearest tree and as the dogs
approach, begins to go, "Moo, moo"
When the prison guards approach, they yell, "For the love of mike! it's just a
friggen cow you dumb dogs!" So the dogs resume their chase.
------------------------------------------------------------
1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved
The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use
as long as the signature file below is included
The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by
the individual contributors who should be contacted
if you wish to forward their entry.
--
Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com]
To learn how to get a MS Windows 3.1 Application with
15,000 jokes from the Life Humor collection, send E-Mail
to life@netcom.com with "Info" in the Subject.
Or check out http://www.offshore.com.ai/lifehumor
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