From cate3@netcom.com Thu Sep 28 14:42:26 1995 From: cate3@netcom.com Subject: Life F.1 To: jwry.dli@netcom.com Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com Date: 24 Aug 94 13:04:57 PDT (Wednesday) Subject: Life F.1 ------------------------------ From: Nancy_L._Crawford.WBST129@xerox.com These came from a concert that Mark Russell, political satirist, gave to benefit the Rochester Philharmonic Orchestra on 6/18/94. Bill Clinton has Kennedy's hormones, Nixon's scruples and Reagan's memory. Flags are at halfmast at every golf course in the country because of the Clinton Health Care Plan. Clinton doesn't need a jogging track; he gets enough exercise backpeddling. They were trying to find a jury of 12 people in Washington who had never heard of Oliver North; they were going to put on Reagan. They were trying to find a jury of 12 people in Miami who had never heard of Noriega; they wound up with 12 Norwegian immigrants. During the 1992 election, after one of his staffers had made disparaging comments about lesbians, Dan Quayle had to write a letter of apology. He sent it to the Lebanese Embassy. ------------------------------ From: ebranck@vub.ac.be (Branckaert Eric) How can you make a lot of money out of french people? Buy them at their real value and sell them at the value they think they worth ------------------------------ From: ALADDIN42@delphi.com "If an infinite number of monkeys sat at an infinite number of computers and typed infinitely, Bill Gates would compile it and call it Windows. "Let's just say these monkeys still have yet to write _Hamlet_" ------------------------------ From: almy@wisp.physics.wisc.edu Prizewinner in the Least Useful Warning Competition. Warning printed on a respirator mask: CAUTION: Unsafe for use where conditions are immediately dangerous to life or health. ------------------------------ From: Heather.D.Santaw@dartmouth.edu (Heather D. Santaw) On a policeman's phone (credit Reader's Digest, I believe...): "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you. You have the right to leave your name, number and a brief message at the tone." ------------------------------ From: Kreegah@deathstar.cris.com (Patrick H. Adkins) Just say no to Big Government. ------------------------------ From: J_Whiting.Henr801A@xerox.com You know you need a Spiritual tune up when: -your idea of a Bible study is a room full of bookcases with various versions of the Bible on each shelf. -you think that all you need to do to keep your light shining in the darkness is to pay your electric bill. -you can't remember exactly how the Lord's Prayer goes, but think it says something like: "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death . . ." -when the preacher says "Serve" you think he's talking about tennis. -you're sure that other Christians love the Lord less than you do. -you think that the Apostle's Creed is the name of the prizefighter who fought Rocky. -you can't remember where you bought your last Bible, but is got a nifty Gideon's' emblem embossed on the corner. -you're sure it says "two consenting adults" *SOMEWHERE* in the Bible. -when someone says the name Billy Graham, you immediately think they're talking about the music promoter for the Grateful Dead. -you have your quiet time while watching Monday Night Football. -you think that witnessing is something you do on behalf of the plaintiff or the defendant. -you're sure that the Rock of Ages is the symbol for the Prudential Insurance Company. -you're sure Jesus never used humor to make a point. ------------------------------ From: jantypas@ccnet.com (John Antypas) God is too busy to create chaos and disorder in this world, he can't be everywhere at once all of the time, That's why he made two year olds" ------------------------------ From: David Haws [Dave_Haws@Novell.COM] A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board. He's coming into Seattle airport, only there is thick fog, less than 10m visibility, and his instruments are out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in a small opening in the fog, he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around and winds down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hi, where am I?" to which the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane." The pilot winds up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 1 ------------------------------ From: nicka@mccmedia.com (Nick Arnett) "We are surrounded by insurmountable opportunity." -- Pogo ------------------------------ From: Aron Tannenbaum [TANBAUM@clemson.clemson.edu] A British professor and family had just arrived at my college in South g Carolina to begin a Fulbright exchange lectureship. The five-person family had spent quite a bit on airfare and was engaged in an introductory meeting with colleagues discussing high airfares and ways around them when one secretary piped up: "If it costs so much to fly, why didn't you take the bus?" ------------------------------ From: deej@cadence.com (Jim Howard) (If I were expressing Cadence's opinions, they'd probably make me wear a tie... ) (^:= Flames cheerfully ignored. =:^) "Give me the liberty to know, to utter, and to argue freely according to conscience, above all liberties." -- John Milton, 1644 ------------------------------ From: not sharon [MABUHAY@univscvm.csd.scarolina.edu] Did you see the article on user goofs the Wall Street Journal ran on 3/1/94? Very funny stuff. A guy came into the lab where I work with a floppy disk to print out a paper. The disk wouldn't read, so he brought it to the front desk. It was a 5 1/4" disk that he had _folded_ into a triangle in order to put it in his back pocket for the walk across campus. ------------------------------ From: Danny Houssian [Danny_Houssian.SFG@edmonton.usconnect.com] Hi we are not home right now please leave a message after the beep BBBBBBEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPP Not that Beep Beeeeeeeep ------------------------------ From: Danny Houssian [Danny_Houssian.SFG@edmonton.usconnect.com] This was in the comic strip The Wizard of ID: On the hangman's gallows with a noose around a convicts neck The King was about to hang a convict for his crimes. The Convict: You know CAPITAL PUNISHMENT DOES NOT DETER CRIMINALS. The King: I will believe that when I see you again. ------------------------------ From: sbsm_ltd@uhura.cc.rochester.edu (Senator Stu Bushman) The more I study religions the more convinced I become that man never worshipped anything but himself. - Sir Richard Francis Burton ------------------------------ From: "James Jaquette Sterrett" [jjsterre@acs.ucalgary.ca] Lastly, a recent "Economist" had the following item: Recently, a young woman drifted out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth. She was rescued by a young man on an inflatable lobster. ------------------------------ From: SWIFTY@medisense:com:Xerox "It ain't that there are so many damn fools in the world, Its just that the distribution of lightning ain't right!" - S. Clemens ------------------------------ From: manyhats@utxvms.cc.utexas.edu (Karina Montgomery) Don't everybody laugh at Andy! I have a friend (Kim Kennedy of west New York, NJ), who bought this video for her cat (or else another one, she refers to it as video catnip and I wonder if it is a competitor), and the damn thing watches it unmovingly straight through. It has a little intro music, and when Harley (the cat) hears the little music, she dashes into the room and plunks down right in front of the set. This is not some net-fiend rumor, I heard it from a real flesh and blood woman! So mock not the Cat Video, it is real and apparently, great. ------------------------------ From: Jones, Scott T. Scene: A courtroom where a witness is testifying in a case involving a man biting off the ear of another man during a fight. After supplying testimony which was very bad for the defendant, the witness was being cross examined by the defendant's attorney. Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the plaintiff in a fight? Witness: Yes. Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of this concern, you sought shelter elsewhere? Witness: Yes. Attorney: You further stated that during this time of seeking shelter, you turned your back to the fight at hand? Witness: Yes. Attorney: And THEN you testified that that was when the defendant bit off the plaintiff's ear??!! Witness: Yes. Attorney: Well, that makes for an interesting question then! If your back was turned to the fight then you obviously MUST have had the plaintiff and the defendant out of your field of vision, correct? Witness: Yes, correct. Attorney: Well then, did you SEE the defendant bite off the plaintiff's ear? Witness: No. Attorney: (Smugly) THEN HOW DO YOU "KNOW" THAT THE DEFENDANT BIT OFF THE EAR OF THE PLAINTIFF IF YOU DID NOT SEE HIM DO IT??!! Witness: I saw him spit it out. (Dead Silence) Attorney: No more questions. ------------------------------ From: "DxiChkn" [DxiChkn@aol.com] Helicopters have also been described as: "A rotating mass of metal fatigue surrounding an oil leak" "Helicopters are so ugly--the guy who made the first one, how did he know when he was finished?" ------------------------------ From: stern@panix.com (Michael J. Stern) Risks Digest 16.32 Subj: Adventures in Debugging This is from *New Scientist*, 2 Jul 1994. 'Tis just 40 years since North American TV stations started broadcasting in color, using the NTSC system. Officially NTSC was named after the National Television System Committee which chose it. Unofficially NTSC has often been called Never Thrice the Same Color. A journalist who used to cover the NTSC told us recently of a lighter moment at the laboratories of the record company RCA in Princeton, New Jersey, where the system was developed. Team leader George Brown laid on a final transmission test. A color camera was focused on a bowl of colorful fruit in one lab, and the received signal was displayed in another lab on a prototype color tube. Just before the test Brown took a banana from the bowl and painted it blue. For the rest of the day the engineers at the receiving end struggled desperately to find out how their new system was faithfully reproducing the color of red apples, orange oranges and green grapes, but resolutely converting yellow into blue. ------------------------------ From: Esko Cate [esko@connected.com] When I signed on to my internet access today the following was the first part of the news. Makes me feel real confident. "We are please to announces that we are undergoing a complete reorganization under a Chapter 11 filing. This will allow us to provide you with better, stable service and soon with value-added features. We greatly appreciate your sticking with us and being our customers. If you have any questions or moments please leave us an e-mail. ...... Thank you" ------------------------------ From: ronaldscott@attmail.com (RONALD B SCOTT) Recently some cynical New Englanders, with tongues buried deep within their cheeks, weighed in with some reasons why it would be great to be a Latter-day Saint as well as some counterpoints on why it wouldn't be so great. WHY ITS GREAT TO BE A MORMON 6. You may ...if you want...make up your own religious holidays because everyone knows you're not Jewish and PRESUMES you're not Christian. 7. You have plenty of good excuses for why you haven't mowed your lawn. 8. Your neighbors will never call at midnight to borrow a bottle of wine. 10.If you live alone and die suddenly you know you'll be found within a week -- when someone from the bishopric calls to inquire why you weren't in church on Sunday. 13. You don't have to install an expensive voice mail system for your home telephone because your family knows that every call should be answered. 14. You don't have to install an expensive burglar alarm for your house. Just paste "LDS Household" stickers in all your windows. Savvy burglars will instantly know : -That all the family heirlooms you've been willed are still owned by your (still living) great-grandparents; -The home teachers, visiting teachers, bishopric or missionaries will be dropping in any second for a visit; -The laundry hasn't been done. -The silverware is really stainless steel. -There's a rollerskate in the hallway. -There will be dirty dishes in the sink. -The car in the garage will be out of gas. -There will be a three-year-old on the potty who needs immediate assistance. 16. You always have a good reason to buy a new and bigger car every year: another child is on the way. 19. You don't have to do drugs to get some sleep. You can always count the number of "And it came to pass" phrases in the Book of Mormon. Some reasons why it could be great to be a non-Mormon: 3. You'd have time to finish the New York Times crossword puzzle on Sunday. 8. Your neighbors would no longer worry that your wife was carrying on at lunch with two young FBI agents. 10. You could afford to hire a college student to mow your lawn 11. You wouldn't always have formula spots on your suit jacket 15. In official parlance, your religion will no longer be "other" 18. People wouldn't always assume that you could sing ------------------------------------------------------------ 1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use as long as the signature file below is included The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by the individual contributors who should be contacted if you wish to forward their entry. -- Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com] To learn how to get a MS Windows 3.1 Application with 15,000 jokes from the Life Humor collection, send E-Mail to life@netcom.com with "Info" in the Subject. 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