Lifef.5

From: cate3@netcom.com
Date: Thu, 12 Oct 1995 12:25:37 -0700
Message-Id: [199510121925.MAA28287@netcom17.netcom.com]
Subject: Life  F.5
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R


Date: 1 Sep 94
Subject: Life  F.5

 To subscribe send a message to: LISTSERV@vtvm1.cc.vt.edu with the body of
 text:  "Sub GIGGLES [Your Name]"
------------------------------------------------------------
: Selections from the GIGGLES Digest.
From:    Scott Hysmith [scotth@MAILPO2.ASYM2PO.ASYMETRIX.COM]


The comment about the orange barrel being declared the state flower reminded me
of an article I read in the Seattle paper about this time last year.

Seems that Interstate 405, which has seen its share of safety orange over the
years, will never be finished.  According to the Washington State Dept. of
Transportation, there will *always* be some construction project occurring on
this 26-mile stretch of freeway.  Always.

This prompted me to document the following:

THE LIFE CYCLE OF THE WASHINGTON SAFETY CONE

Safety cones, as everyone is aware, hatch in the Seattle spring.  As the
weather gets warmer you can see them popping up everywhere as they pull
themselves out from their winter dormancy (often leaving the large holes in
their native asphalt that everyone notices in the springtime).   It is at this
point that migratory habits begin to appear, and they start the endearing
instinctive ritual of lining up alongside major thoroughfares waiting for
passing automobiles to smack them along their migration paths to their ultimate
destinations.

In the heat of summer begins the mating phase, where safety cones engage in
flashy displays.  Many of them alter their shape to a thin, flat, colorful
sheet and drape themselves across the backs of passing humans, who carry them
past other safety cones to be fertilized.

The fertilized safety cones soon drop off the dormant construction workers and
swell up into large barrel shapes.  They are preparing to lay their eggs.
Safety cone eggs are small, round, and typically laid in rows, about six or
seven to a row, along the asphalt lanes.  These "lane markings" lay dormant all
winter, until hatching in the spring and beginning the cycle all over again.

------------------------------
From:    Bill Edison [EDISON@SNYNEWVM.BITNET]


President Clinton, Janet Reno, and Donna Shalala (funny already, eh?) set out
on a trip to promote "Universal Health Care" and mount a last ditch-effort
sales pitch in a remote section of the President's home state. After a long day
and a late dinner, the three hopped in their limo to begin the 3-hour drive
back to Little Rock.

While taking a short-cut thru an out-of-the-way, wooded area, the fan belt
broke leaving them stranded. The 3 walked more than a mile up a dark, winding
road before they noticed the lights of a remote farmhouse.

An old, grisly-looking man met them at the door and agreed to let them spend
the night.  Problem was, there were only 2 spare bedrooms, so one of the three
would have to sleep in the barn. After drawing the short straw,  Reno lurched
her way  thru the darkness while the other two headed up the stairs. But 20
minutes later, the farmer responded to a knock and opened the door. There stood
the Reno, eyes swollen and red-faced, exclaiming, "I must be allergic to hay".
As the farmer stood by looking disgusted,  Donna Shalala stepped forward to
stumble her way out toward the big, dark building. Another 20 minutes had
barely passed when the farmer responded to a second knock.  Sneezing
uncontrollably, Shalala explained "I think I'm allergic to the cow and the pig
out there"! Feeling Shalala's pain,  the President valiantly offered to take
her place in the barn.  The farmer rolled his eyes as he cut the lights for the
third time.  15 minutes later, burdened with overloaded shovels and
complaining, the cow and pig a

------------------------------
From:    Jeff Shick [jshick@AUSTIN.ONU.EDU]


Today, a local radio station reported that two men were playing a round of
golf. On one particular hole, one of the guys took his shot and the ball landed
somewhere along the fairway. Out of nowhere came a helicopter which proceeded
to land on the fairway. A man jumped out of the helicopter, picked up the golf
ball, got back into the helicopter and flew off! The reporter stated that
neither man knew who the man in the helicopter was!

------------------------------
From:    "Paul M. Verhagen" [verhagen@TSO.UC.EDU]


A man I know had a dog that seemed to be untrainable. Nothing that the owner
tried worked with the dog. One day the untrainable dog's owner goes and visits
his next-door neighbor. The neighbor had a dog that was perfectly obedient.
That dog could do any trick in the book. The man, upon seeing his neighbor's
dog so perfectly obedient, asked his neighbor how he was able to train his dog
so well. The neighbor exclaimed that he sent his dog to the Oral Roberts School
Of Dog Obedience in Tulsa, OK. The man, upon hearing this, stood back in
disbelief. The neighbor went on to proclaim the virtues of the school. Some
days pass and the man, after a lot of thought, decides to ship the dog off to
Tulsa.

Six weeks pass and the dog returns from Tulsa. The owner is beside himself with
glee as the dog does any trick requested. He visits his neighbor one afternoon
and shows off what the dog can do. The owner says "sit!" and the dog sits. The
owner says "roll over!" and the dog rolls over. The owner says "play dead!" and
the dog plays dead. The owner says "heel!" and the dog puts his paw on your
forehead.

------------------------------
From:    "Michael K. Steeves" [steevesk@NBNET.NB.CA]


]From a speech of an African leader:

"When the present government took over, the country was at the edge of an
economic cliff.  Since then we have taken a giant step forward."

------------------------------
From:    - Amy Christensen  [AMYC?UWFOUND%UWFOUND@UWFOUND.WISC.EDU]


It was reported that the great American author Sinclair Lewis was once asked to
give a lecture on writing to a group of college students.

"Looking out at this gathering," he said, "makes me want to know how many of
you really and truly wish to become writers."

Every hand in the room went up.  Lewis looked at them all for a moment, and
then folded his notes and put them away.

"If that's true, then the best advice I can give you is to go home and write."

And then he left the room.

------------------------------
From:    - Amy Christensen [AMYC?UWFOUND%UWFOUND@UWFOUND.WISC.EDU]


Before you offer any comments, just remember -- there is no evidence that the
tongue is connected to the brain...

------------------------------
From:    Elmer z Thudpucker [RANDELL@UTARLVM1.BITNET]


The owner visits his factory and is shocked to see a man leaning against a wall
drinking coffee.  "How much do you make?" he demands.  "Eighty dollars a day,"
is the reply.  The owner hands him $80 and says, "get out, and don't come
back!"

Two minutes later the foreman comes in and asks, "Where's the delivery man who
was just here?"

------------------------------
From:    Reid [SLJC6@USU.BITNET]


This is a subject matter that starts to get people going as they are *tired* of
having this as a catch-all answer to modern problems.  However, being a psych
major at Utah State University, I thought I would shed some humor on a real,
serious (for those who are) problem.  This is not meant to offend, only laugh
(at ourselves).

CODEPENDENT THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
Codependents are people of conviction - after they find out what everyone else
thinks!

Did you hear about the codependent that carried a first aid kit around with him
and called it his codependent briefcase?

CODEPENDENT HOTLINE:
You have reached the codependent Hotline.
If you want to save the world, press 1
If you want to rescue your family, press 2
If you want to change your partner, press 3.
If no one appreciates you, press 4.
If you do not have a touch tone phone, stay on the line and an operator will
speak with you after she's through with the really important people!

You are codependent for sure when you get kicked off jury duty for insisting
that you're the guilty one.

Why did the codependent cross the road?  To help the chicken make a decision.

You know you're codependent if you find yourself in a rut and move in
furniture!

Codependent Insurance:  My fault!

------------------------------------------------------------
1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved
The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use
as long as the signature file below is included

The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by
the individual contributors who should be contacted
if you wish to forward their entry.
--
Henry Cate III     [cate3@netcom.com]
To learn how to get a MS Windows 3.1 Application with
15,000 jokes from the Life Humor collection, send E-Mail 
to life@netcom.com with "Info" in the Subject.
Or check out http://www.offshore.com.ai/lifehumor
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page
nathan@visi.com